Choices
Routes
I did not leave my apartment for the rest of the weekend. I was heart broken. Even though we broke up ages ago, it still felt so fresh to me. I took the break up hard. I was completely sidelined. To know that Brooks Orpik was spending the night with her, come on it was four in the morning when I called her; I knew she was over me.
“I know you are in there Hoss. Open the door.” Kaner yelled as he pounded on my door. It had been a week since I had left my apartment. I had not even answered any calls or texts from my teammates. I didn’t mean to worry them. Just no one understood. I didn’t even bother responding, hoping he would take a hint. I heart his footsteps retreating down the hallway and began to relax
.
I sat back in my seat and began flipping through the channels. Not registering what I was watching. I did not even care. My thoughts were preoccupied. I could hear people talking quietly in the hallway but paid them no attention. I just wanted to be secluded.
“YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE HOSS! I’M COMING IN!” shouted Kane from the hallway. Doesn’t this kid ever give up? I sighed and sunk lower in my chair. I knew it was a bluff. There was no way he could get into my apartment. A key clicked in the door. Shit. He must have paid the landlord off to give him the spare key. Kane walked over to where I sat and sat down across from me on the leather sofa.
His face fell as he looked around my apartment. The once pristine room was cluttered with beer bottles and take out containers. Not like I act much anyways. I was more on a liquid diet I guess.
Laundry, clean and dirty, was thrown about in the corner. My bedroom door was closed, hell I haven’t left my couch in days. It was just a mess.
“Hoss what’s happened to you…” Kane asked. His eyes scanned the room again. I look at his face. There was no pity. It was pure panic.
“It’s nothing that I cannot handle.” I chuckled. Who am I kidding? I am in a downward spiral and I know it.
“Hoss you aren’t handling it. Look at this place. No one has heard from you all week. You were supposed to be at the ceremony last night and you bailed. We have the parade today and you clearly aren’t ready. What’s really going on?” I shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t feel like rehashing my story with anyone else but myself.
“Kaner it’s fine really. Let me go get a fresh pair of jeans and I’ll go to the parade with you.” I made my way to my room. I heard Kaner let out a sigh. I wasn’t being fair. At all. I just cant do this. I grabbed a pair of jeans and slid them on with a white t-shirt before making my way back to the living room. Slipping on a pair of shoes I motioned to the door.
“If you need to talk I’ll be there man. I have been through a lot of shit in the past year. You know, my partying and stuff. And I know I’m not better yet, hell I think I’m a bit worse now, but I know how it feels to have no control.” And with that he patted my back before walking out of my apartment.
2008
Danielle and I have been dating, officially on March 25th, for three months so far. Every day I fell more in love with her. It was perfect partnership. She was always there when I needed a shoulder to lean on. That was tested so soon in our relationship when we lost to the Detroit Red Wings in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals. We were devastated. We worked our asses off only to get so close. We were nearly there. There was mistakes we all made but each and every one of us put the burden on ourselves. It was hard not to. To go so far and have the rug ripped out from underneath your feet. It’s heartbreaking. But through it all Danielle was there.
She was always patient with me. With the playoffs happening at the start of our relationship I wasn’t around. But she was fine with it. She traveled with me when she could. She was supportive. Everything I wanted in a girl. I couldn’t ask for a better woman.
“What’s this?” Danielle asked as she walked into my bedroom. She held an envelope with her name on it that I had left in the living room. I smirked as she walked towards me and sat on my lap.
“Maybe you should open it and you’ll see.” I laughed as she pouted. She wasn’t too fond of surprises, but hell I loved them. Anything to make her day brighter. A smile graced her face as she opened the envelope and taking out her passport and two boarding passes to Slovakia.
“Are you serious?” Her eyes were bright and she was beaming. She always told me how she wanted to travel the world. Hell I was European after all. I figured it would bet the best trip.
“Dead serious. Pack your bags. We leave in two days. And don’t worry about work. You already got that off.” She squealed in excitement and pulled me into an embrace.
“I love you.” She whispered, giving me a small peck on the lips.
“I love you.” I whispered back, recapturing her lips with mine.
2010
“There you guys are! I thought we would have to start the parade without you.” Sharpe laughed as Kane and I arrived at the start of the parade. A worker handed me my jersey and with a curt nod he ran off to finish whatever else he had to do. This parade was a big deal to everyone. A big celebration and it was going to be huge. Over a million people were expected to be there
.
“Yeah sorry about that man. But hey we’re here.” Kane walked away towards the front bus with John and I followed Sharpe towards another double decker bus. A bottle of champagne was pushed into my hand. I took a gulp and climbed the ladder to the top of the bus. What can I say. I’m here. I might as well have some fun.
The parade route lasted a little over half an hour and the ceremony at the end lasted another hour. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I waved goodbye to my teammates and made my way to my car.
“Hey wait up man.” Kane shouted, very drunk I may add, after me. I sighed. I didn’t want to deal with this.
“Where ya going! You can’t bail. You haven’t hung out with us in weeks. We need ya man!” he shouted, dragging me towards the bar.
“Kane I can’t okay. I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t care. I worked so hard to get this fucking championship and what did I get out of it! A fucking Stanley Cup Ring. My name etched on a trophy. Eternal glory. But guess what! What is the point of having it all when you have no one to share it with!” I shouted. A few teammates turned their heads to watch us. I was drunk but I had reached my breaking point. Kane looked like he was slammed by a bus.
“Sorry man I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know you were feeling like that. I’m sorry dude. I’ll just go…” He began to walk off. I wanted to just stand and watch him leave but I couldn’t do that. This wasn’t his fault.
“Kaner wait up.” I jogged after him down the street. He slowed down and turned around.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you. You were just trying to help. And maybe I do need help. It’s been over a year since I have been with her. Just I gave up everything to chase my dream. I’m just not sure if giving up everything was the right move.” Kane clapped his hand on my shoulder in one of those half hugs.
“I’m glad you told me. I’m always here if you need to talk.” With that he walked away. I finally realized I do need to talk to someone. Maybe I’ll talk him up on that when he’s sober.
The traffic after the parade was horrendous. Cars were backed up for miles. My ten minute car ride turned into an hour long bitch fest with people left and right cutting me off. I did my best not to shout or anything but it was too much. I finally made it home and slumped down on my couch with a bottle of Jack and some pizza.
My phone was buzzing from my bedroom so I hurried up to get it. During my drunken rage, well one of them, I lost my phone. I searched and finally found it under my pillow.
“A new voicemail eh?” I pressed send and waiting for the voicemail to start.
“Hey Marian. It’s Danielle. I saw you called me last night. I know we haven’t talked in over a year but I figured it was probably important if you called me at four am. Well if you still want to talk give me a call. Bye.” My heart was pounding through my chest. I wanted to call her right there and then. Apologize for everything. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t that simple. No matter how much I wished it was. My finger hovered over the seven to delete it. I just couldn’t do it. Guess I’m not good at letting go.
“I know you are in there Hoss. Open the door.” Kaner yelled as he pounded on my door. It had been a week since I had left my apartment. I had not even answered any calls or texts from my teammates. I didn’t mean to worry them. Just no one understood. I didn’t even bother responding, hoping he would take a hint. I heart his footsteps retreating down the hallway and began to relax
.
I sat back in my seat and began flipping through the channels. Not registering what I was watching. I did not even care. My thoughts were preoccupied. I could hear people talking quietly in the hallway but paid them no attention. I just wanted to be secluded.
“YOU LEFT ME NO CHOICE HOSS! I’M COMING IN!” shouted Kane from the hallway. Doesn’t this kid ever give up? I sighed and sunk lower in my chair. I knew it was a bluff. There was no way he could get into my apartment. A key clicked in the door. Shit. He must have paid the landlord off to give him the spare key. Kane walked over to where I sat and sat down across from me on the leather sofa.
His face fell as he looked around my apartment. The once pristine room was cluttered with beer bottles and take out containers. Not like I act much anyways. I was more on a liquid diet I guess.
Laundry, clean and dirty, was thrown about in the corner. My bedroom door was closed, hell I haven’t left my couch in days. It was just a mess.
“Hoss what’s happened to you…” Kane asked. His eyes scanned the room again. I look at his face. There was no pity. It was pure panic.
“It’s nothing that I cannot handle.” I chuckled. Who am I kidding? I am in a downward spiral and I know it.
“Hoss you aren’t handling it. Look at this place. No one has heard from you all week. You were supposed to be at the ceremony last night and you bailed. We have the parade today and you clearly aren’t ready. What’s really going on?” I shook my head. I couldn’t do this. I didn’t feel like rehashing my story with anyone else but myself.
“Kaner it’s fine really. Let me go get a fresh pair of jeans and I’ll go to the parade with you.” I made my way to my room. I heard Kaner let out a sigh. I wasn’t being fair. At all. I just cant do this. I grabbed a pair of jeans and slid them on with a white t-shirt before making my way back to the living room. Slipping on a pair of shoes I motioned to the door.
“If you need to talk I’ll be there man. I have been through a lot of shit in the past year. You know, my partying and stuff. And I know I’m not better yet, hell I think I’m a bit worse now, but I know how it feels to have no control.” And with that he patted my back before walking out of my apartment.
2008
Danielle and I have been dating, officially on March 25th, for three months so far. Every day I fell more in love with her. It was perfect partnership. She was always there when I needed a shoulder to lean on. That was tested so soon in our relationship when we lost to the Detroit Red Wings in the 2008 Stanley Cup Finals. We were devastated. We worked our asses off only to get so close. We were nearly there. There was mistakes we all made but each and every one of us put the burden on ourselves. It was hard not to. To go so far and have the rug ripped out from underneath your feet. It’s heartbreaking. But through it all Danielle was there.
She was always patient with me. With the playoffs happening at the start of our relationship I wasn’t around. But she was fine with it. She traveled with me when she could. She was supportive. Everything I wanted in a girl. I couldn’t ask for a better woman.
“What’s this?” Danielle asked as she walked into my bedroom. She held an envelope with her name on it that I had left in the living room. I smirked as she walked towards me and sat on my lap.
“Maybe you should open it and you’ll see.” I laughed as she pouted. She wasn’t too fond of surprises, but hell I loved them. Anything to make her day brighter. A smile graced her face as she opened the envelope and taking out her passport and two boarding passes to Slovakia.
“Are you serious?” Her eyes were bright and she was beaming. She always told me how she wanted to travel the world. Hell I was European after all. I figured it would bet the best trip.
“Dead serious. Pack your bags. We leave in two days. And don’t worry about work. You already got that off.” She squealed in excitement and pulled me into an embrace.
“I love you.” She whispered, giving me a small peck on the lips.
“I love you.” I whispered back, recapturing her lips with mine.
2010
“There you guys are! I thought we would have to start the parade without you.” Sharpe laughed as Kane and I arrived at the start of the parade. A worker handed me my jersey and with a curt nod he ran off to finish whatever else he had to do. This parade was a big deal to everyone. A big celebration and it was going to be huge. Over a million people were expected to be there
.
“Yeah sorry about that man. But hey we’re here.” Kane walked away towards the front bus with John and I followed Sharpe towards another double decker bus. A bottle of champagne was pushed into my hand. I took a gulp and climbed the ladder to the top of the bus. What can I say. I’m here. I might as well have some fun.
The parade route lasted a little over half an hour and the ceremony at the end lasted another hour. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I waved goodbye to my teammates and made my way to my car.
“Hey wait up man.” Kane shouted, very drunk I may add, after me. I sighed. I didn’t want to deal with this.
“Where ya going! You can’t bail. You haven’t hung out with us in weeks. We need ya man!” he shouted, dragging me towards the bar.
“Kane I can’t okay. I don’t want to celebrate. I don’t care. I worked so hard to get this fucking championship and what did I get out of it! A fucking Stanley Cup Ring. My name etched on a trophy. Eternal glory. But guess what! What is the point of having it all when you have no one to share it with!” I shouted. A few teammates turned their heads to watch us. I was drunk but I had reached my breaking point. Kane looked like he was slammed by a bus.
“Sorry man I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know you were feeling like that. I’m sorry dude. I’ll just go…” He began to walk off. I wanted to just stand and watch him leave but I couldn’t do that. This wasn’t his fault.
“Kaner wait up.” I jogged after him down the street. He slowed down and turned around.
“I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. I shouldn’t have gotten mad at you. You were just trying to help. And maybe I do need help. It’s been over a year since I have been with her. Just I gave up everything to chase my dream. I’m just not sure if giving up everything was the right move.” Kane clapped his hand on my shoulder in one of those half hugs.
“I’m glad you told me. I’m always here if you need to talk.” With that he walked away. I finally realized I do need to talk to someone. Maybe I’ll talk him up on that when he’s sober.
The traffic after the parade was horrendous. Cars were backed up for miles. My ten minute car ride turned into an hour long bitch fest with people left and right cutting me off. I did my best not to shout or anything but it was too much. I finally made it home and slumped down on my couch with a bottle of Jack and some pizza.
My phone was buzzing from my bedroom so I hurried up to get it. During my drunken rage, well one of them, I lost my phone. I searched and finally found it under my pillow.
“A new voicemail eh?” I pressed send and waiting for the voicemail to start.
“Hey Marian. It’s Danielle. I saw you called me last night. I know we haven’t talked in over a year but I figured it was probably important if you called me at four am. Well if you still want to talk give me a call. Bye.” My heart was pounding through my chest. I wanted to call her right there and then. Apologize for everything. But I couldn’t. It wasn’t that simple. No matter how much I wished it was. My finger hovered over the seven to delete it. I just couldn’t do it. Guess I’m not good at letting go.
9/22/13