Overlooked

I woke up in a cold sweat. I was confused and dazed. I stood and realized that I had fallen asleep with a plate full of Chinese in front of me. Joff was never even here. I sat back down and buried my face in my hands. He must hate me now. I had tried to use him to get back at Luke. I knew how he felt and played on it. But didn't he do the same to me when he broke of things with Lena? I knew two things for sure. One, I was going to punch Luke in the face if I saw him today and two, I was even more confused about Joff. Fuck my life.

I went and heated up the Chinese food as I checked my phone. 6 new text messages and thirteen missed calls. No surprise there. I ignored the voicemails and skimmed through the texts.

2:32 pm Lupes: We need to talk. Give me a call.

2:45 pm Luke: Call me please. I sent Amelia home. We can get through this. I'm sorry.

3:00 pm Luke: Please pick up the phone.

3:05 pm Lupes: Hello? Pick up the damn phone Car.

3:08 pm Luke: Give me ten minutes. That is all I am asking for. If you don't like what I say, I'll leave you alone.

4:30 pm Lupes: Come on Carly. We can't avoid this conversation that needs to happen. My place, six o'clock. Do you want food that I'll regret eating or healthy stuff. Let me know so I can order it. Stop ignoring me or I will come over and drag you ass back here.

I just shook my head. These two were going to be the death of me. I sent two return texts and headed for the shower.

5:08 pm to Luke: Not today. Can't do it now. See you after your road trip. Need space and time to think.

5:09 pm to Lupes: Seems like we always end up regretting stuff. What the hell. Make it stuff that is terrible for us. Getting shower, be there soon.

A shower was definately what I needed at this point. It helped wash away the haze. I was mad, hurt and lost. Luke had betrayed me and God only knows where this conversation with Joff would lead. For the first time in my life, I had no idea where my heart would take me.

I dressed in jeans and a hoodie, adding my winter coat and gloves for good measure. It was cold in my place and I knew winter was in full swing. I headed towards Joff's and tried to leave the doubts behind.

I took a deep breath before knocking quietly on the door. A smiling Joff, clad only in sweatpants answered. I cursed under my breath. "We can't have an unbiased conversation with you like that. Put a shirt on Lupes. Seriously." I said and he just laughed.

"I have the fireplace on. I figured you be bundled like an Eskimo. Its really warm, but I'll oblige." He said, heading for his bedroom. I took off my coat and gloves and placed them on a chair near the entry way to his place.

He came back fully clothed and I relaxed. "Food should be here soon. Thanks for finally returning my texts." He said and I shrugged.

"Sorry, I fell asleep again. Just woke up when I texted you. Long night last night. Even longer morning." I said as I sat down on his sofa.

"Don't remind me. I know what a long morning it was." He said and he ran his hand through his hair nervously. "So, you know we need to talk right."

I just looked down, trying to avoid his prying gaze. "I'm sorry Lupes. I shouldn't have come back here this morning. I was upset and I was using you to try and avoid me losing it. I was hurt and I made a mistake." I said and held my breath for a response.

"So thats it, eh. You made a mistake. Well I have made plenty Car. I made plenty of them since the first day we met. But you telling me you made a mistake and not telling me how you really feel is worse than what you did this morning. I need to know he truth. Don't you think I deserve that." He said, his voice edgier than I had ever heard.

"Stop, you aren't going to bully me into this. I'm here aren't I. I'm no good at this. I haven't had many heart to hearts with someone I can't even understand my feelings for. Stop looking for a quick answer from me. You won't find it. I don't know what it is myself." I said, feeling shaky.

The doorbell rang and broke the tension. He paid for the food and told me to come into the kitchen. We grabbed plates and he put a huge blanket on the floor in front of the fireplace. We ate in silence, him finishing off two beers and an enormous plate of food. I barely touched my food, taking long sips of the beer hoping the alcohol would hit me and I would have the courage to just open up to him.

He finally spoke, laying on the floor looking up at the ceiling beside me. "I'll go first, maybe then you will be more comfortable?" He asked and I sprawled out beside him after draining the beer bottle.

"When we met, I was amused by you and actually a little taken aback about how I felt. There wasn't a girl I had met in a long time that I could honestly say I was physically attracted to, but vowed not to touch. You weren't that kind of girl and that was special to me. You didn't care that I was reconizable, you weren't in it for the money and you sure as hell weren't throwing yourself at me or showing you were disappointed in how I acted with other ladies. I could honestly say in a matter of a few weeks, you became my best friend." He said, standing and headed for the kitchen, returning with four more beers.

"When things got more serious and I spent more time with Lena, you didn't complain. I thought she was perfect for me. We treated each other shitty, but it worked. I didn't think I deserved any better. I was satisfied with a bull-shit relationship. You were still there for me, even when I showed up and complained. You told me I deserved better, but I didn't believe you. But I knew you deserved someone to make you happy. You seemed so lonely." He said and I nearly finished off my second beer as he turned to face me.

"I finally gave into Luke thinking he was perfect for you. He was a family kind of guy, one I didn't see out going crazy constantly and he had asked me about you time and time again without giving up. Valentine's Day morning, I woke up and thought my life would never change and gave in, going out and buying that ring. I wasn't happy, but I still thought it was what I deserved and she had been getting at me to do it anyway. During dinner, I had my doubts, but I did it anyway, seeing how comfortable you and Luke looked. I thought we could start a new chapter in both of our lives together as friends."

"But your the look on your face when she saw the ring betrayed you. It gave away a year's worth of emotions in one fraction of a second. I felt sick. I never knew. After you stormed out with Luke right behind you I left Lena at the restaurant. I went to your place first, then Luke's. I got there just in time to hear him moaning your name. It killed me but I went home and apologized to Lena, then visited you the next day."

"I told you plenty of lies that day, telling you I wasn't good enough for a family or someone to love me as much as you would love someone. You needed to hear it. I thought you needed Luke. I thought he was good for you. I'm not even going to tell you how much it hurt to do it, just know that I have never felt that much pain ever."

"So time passed and I realized his family was coming into town. Hartsy and I had a long talk. One where he basically told me to man up and do something before I spent the rest of my life regretting it. I made Lena leave. He told me I deserved better and I trusted him. I came to visit you and I know it was wrong but I had to do it. Had to see for myself if you felt anything from before. You turned me away. I understood. You were finally happy."

"I was mad but I felt better. At least you knew I wanted happiness for myself too. When we we out after the Schenn family dinner I was so mad I was an ass. I felt like I had lost you for good. You fit in so well with them. One big happy fucking family. Something I knew I was losing out on."

"When I saw you watch Luke kiss that girl, my heart broke for you. Bestie mode kicked in. I just wanted you to feel better, just like you did with me all those times. When you came back this morning and wanted me, I knew it was because of him. I couldn't do it Carly. I couldn't be someone you used just to get over him. I'm in love with you Carly, it took me too long to realize it and I don't know if it is too late now, but I'm here and I'm telling you whats in my heart. So now, I really need to know how you feel." He looked at me with pleading eyes and I closed mine and took a deep breath trying to compose myself and stifle the tears that he was brushing away with his thumb.

Notes

Laying it all out there....