The Gentle Giant

I fought tears racing through the airport, Danny a step behind me. The last thing I heard four hours ago was that the baby was being delivered via c-section because of a drop in her heartbeat. My parents called me several times while I was in the air but I wasn’t getting reception.

I was scared for Dani and for our daughter. My parents sounded like they were panicking themselves and from what Danny told me, Maman was a mess at the house with the kids. Pam and Raina were unreachable at the hospital. We grabbed his car from the garage and made it to the hospital within ten minutes.

We ran from the parking lot to the emergency room desk. Danny spoke up first. “Hi, I got a phone call that my sister Danielle Briere had been brought in and gave birth via emergency c-section.”

The lady showed us to the waiting room where my mom and father sat. I knocked on the door to the maternity ward and a nurse came out. “Can I help you.” I explained to her who I was and she let me right back, bypassing the nursery and taking me into a room where Dani was sound asleep and Raina sat quietly.

We went out into the hall to talk. “Ok, so far your daughter is stable. She weighed one pound fifteen ounces. Tiny, but strong according to the nurses. Danielle is ok, they actually gave her something to knock her out because she was so hysterical. If you want, we can walk down the hall to the NICU and they will be able to tell you better what is going on.”

We walked down there and one of the doctors met us at the door. “Mr. Meszaros, my name is Dr. Avery. She is holding strong at the moment, tiny but feisty. The first twenty-four hours are the most important in these type situations. We pride ourselves in being the best NICU in the city. She had already been administered the drug surfactant which will help to develop her lungs. Right now we have her on oxygen and a heart monitor. It’s a long road Andrej. I tell all my new parents this. It will be a roller coaster ride. Some days are good, some bad. We concentrate on taking it one moment at a time and right now we need to focus on the first twenty-four hours. Would you like to see her?”

I nodded my head, unable to force words out of my mouth. I had to scrub in first the doctor explained. I removed my watch and scrubbed as hard as I could, almost rubbing skin off. I prayed silently, hoping I didn't carry any germs that could hurt her.

She looked so sick and small I couldn't hold it back anymore. I sat down at the chair beside her bassinet and cried. She was covered in tubes, tape and wires. I never could have prepared myself for this. I sat there and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Within seconds of being with her, she stole my heart.

She laid there as sick as she was and waved her arms and stretched her legs like she was begging for release from the constraints of the medical equipment and the bassinet. I sat there for a good thirty minutes talking to her, telling her how much we needed her to fight and stay strong. I wanted to believe she could hear me and that she would listen. The nurse let me know that babies in the NICU thrive when they have frequent visitors and I thought I might never leave this place, at least until I could take her home.

Dr. Avery finally came and got me to tell me Dani was up and asking for me. He handed me a few pictures of the baby for her and one of me leaned up against her bassinet, just watching her.

I walked down the hall and into Dani’s room, the sound of a healthy crying baby down the hall breaking my heart. She looked all of fifteen years old, lying in bed, vulnerable, swollen and in some ways defeated.

She forced a small smile and I put my arms around her. “I am so sorry I wasn’t here. I love you so much and I am so sorry you had to do this without me.”

She looked up at me with a sadness in her eyes I had never seen. “How is she Andrej?” I showed her the pictures and let her know she had given birth to a fighter and that as a family, we would do this together, no matter what it meant.

Once I was done showing her the pictures, I went out to everyone in the waiting room. Danny was leaned with his head against the wall and looked like he might pass out. Raina had her arms around him, head resting on his back.

My parents jumped up as soon as they seen me. “Dani is ok, she is up and is allowed to have visitors. The nurse told me I can take you one at a time to see the baby through the glass in the NICU. Raina told you how small she was I’m sure. I sat with her for a while and she is feisty, must be the Briere in her.” I said as I put my hand on Danny’s shoulder.

“We haven’t named her yet. Dani just woke up and I haven’t really had too much time with her to ask her about it. Danny, you want to go see her first?” He nodded solemnly and we walked up the hall together as Raina showed my mom and dad to Dani’s room.

“So what did the doctor say?” Danny asked, his eyes fixated on my tiny daughter. The nurses brought her over to the window in the bassinet. “He said the first 24 hours were critical and that it would be a roller coaster ride, with highs and lows. She is going to pull through this Dan, she has to. I can’t deal with it any other way.”

We stood there for a while silently watching her move around. “Come on. I’ll go switch off with your mom.” Danny said and we walked back down the hall. The nurse stopped me and let me know I could bring my mom and my dad together down that way I wouldn't have to keep walking back and forth.

Danny went into the room and put his arms around his sister, kissing her forehead. I asked my parents to follow me. The baby down the halls started crying again and Dani lost it. “Close the damn door. I can’t do this. I can’t listen to them cry anymore.”

I grabbed my mom’s hand and gave her a hug. “Mom, just warning you, she is very tiny. It’s scary.” We walked over to the window. My mom cried, and my dad held her.

I didn't know what to do. My heart felt like it was ruptured. I wished I could take away every ounce of pain my daughter must be feeling. She had me wrapped around her tiny little fingers already. I just wanted to hold her and make her better.

We thanked the nurse and went back to Dani’s room. Raina stood up when we walked in. “Andrej, how about I take your parent’s back to my place with me. I spoke to Jeff and your brother is going to meet me at my house once they come home from the airport. They just finished up. Danny and I are going to go home and talk to Maman and let her know what is going on and then Danny will be back tomorrow morning.”

I hugged her. “Sounds good Rainy, thanks.” Everyone left and Dani had fallen back to sleep. I walked down the cafeteria to get coffee and I called Lavy knowing they were probably en route to the airport. We talked for a few minutes and I let him know that I needed a few days off. He told me to take it one day at a time and just keep him updated. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to stay out too long, but I didn’t think asking for a few days was unreasonable.

Notes

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