Chapter six: We will only regret the chances we don't take.
One of my many flaws is my tendency to always give people too many chances. I keep handing them out without thinking about the effect it'll have on me. So this has landed me where I am.
Messed up.
In fact, I'm pretty emotionally screwed as well when you think about it. It makes me so angry because I would love to be that perfect girl that I know Alex deserves – but I never will be her. It's impossible for me to. Jason destroyed me and as much as I want to be perfect for Alex, I can't be.
And that hurts like hell.
With this thought in mind, I wake up before Alex and all these battles I am having in my head cause me to grab my clothes from the previous night and leave. I don't have time to think about what he'll say or think when he wakes up and I am gone. As I walk out his door, I feel that “walk of shame” thing even though nothing happened between us last night.
Then, to make matters worse, as I am walking down the pathway, Anna is walking up it.
Fuck. What is she going to think?
She stops when she see's me and frowns. I begin to panic, waiting for her to tell me how awful I am but instead, she comes up and wraps her fingers around my wrist, and pulls me to the stairs. She sits down and pats the spot next to her, so I slowly sit down.
“What happened?” She questions but it's not in an accusing way. It's almost like she's concerned and wondering if I'm okay.
At lease I hope.
A blush spreads across me face and I look down. “I had a bit of an emotional breakdown last night and I don't know why, but I came to Alex's.”
When I glance up at her, she has a thoughtful expression on her face. “And you're leaving before he wakes up, yes?”
I nod once and she tilts her head to the side, with her brows furrowed as if she's in deep thought.
“Why?” She asks and I shrug. I've just met Anna, yet I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I just don't know what she'll think. What if she agrees that I am no good for Alex? What if she tells me that I should leave because Alex deserves better?
“You can talk to me,” she says with a tiny smile on her face. “I don't judge.”
I let out a deep breath and try to explain my torn feelings.
“I just... I have so many issues and am so screwed up emotionally and I know that Alex deserves better. He deserves a perfect girl who can always be there for him, who isn't so damaged and who won't pull away every time something serious comes up.” I bite my tongue to keep from crying. “and somebody who, when the time comes, can love him effortlessly.”
“and you don't think you are that girl, no?” she asks and I shrug again and look down.
“No, I'm far from that.”
She quiet for a minute and I think that she'll agree with me.
But she doesn't.
“You know what Alex said when he first told me about you?” She asks and I shake my head.
“What did he say?” I whisper.
“He said to me: Anna, I think I've finally found the girl who is my forever.”
Forever? Alex did not say that.
“Seriously?” I ask, trying not to let out a disbelieving giggle. I always laugh at the most inappropriate times, it's terrible.
“Yeah.” She says smiling. “Eleanor, you shouldn't ever feel like you're not good enough for Alex. He likes you because you're you. He doesn't want this perfect girl you are creating in your head. He just wants you.”
I open my mouth to says something but the door flies open and Alex runs out looking panicked. I have to rein in the urge not to laugh because he didn't even bother to get dressed and his hair is dishevelled. He looks slightly crazy.
When his eyes land on me, he lets out a loud breath.
“You didn't even leave a note.” He says, looking hurt and at the same time, annoyed.
I look down at the ground feeling guilty. I'm just about to open my mouth and tell him the truth when Anna cuts in.
“She wasn't leaving, she just came out to talk to me.” Anna scolds and he sends me another frown and turns, walking back inside making me feel guilty all over again.
“That could've gone better.” I mutter and Anna pokes my shoulder making me look up.
“Don't worry about him, he'll get over it.” She says and then stands up.
“Would you like to come shopping?” She asks. “I was going to get Alex to come but I think you'd be more fun to hang out with.”
I wrinkle my nose and look down at my clothes which happens to be leggings and Alex's shirt.
“Sure, but I have to go change and take a shower.”
She laughs and runs a hand through her hair. “You go do that and then meet me back here. Sound good?”
I nod and hop up and race to my car, dreading going back to my apartment because I'll have to face Audrey who is bound to be mad about me running off last night.

***

“I was so worried about you!” Audrey yells, walking back and fourth on the other side of the bathroom door while I get dressed.
“Sorry.”
“Sorry doesn't cut it. I didn't get a wink of sleep last night and neither did Colton. The only reason he isn't here is because he had to go back to Rockshore.”
This catches me off guard. He just got here. Why'd he leave?”
I walk over to the door and poke my head out. “Why did he go back?” I ask and she frowns.
“Oh some kind of emergency.” She says idly while looking down at her phone. “Probably something about the wedding.. you know how Ava is.”
I roll my eyes. “Ava's not as bad as you make her out to be.”
Audrey holds her hands up defensively. “I just don't really her. Can't help how I feel.”
I shrug and let out a small sigh. “Are you sure you don't want to come shopping with me and Anna?”
“No, you need some time to bond with your future sister-in-law.” She says and I widen my eyes, turning red.
“Audrey!”
“What?” She asks. “I put a twenty on the table that you'd marry him by the end of next year.”
“You guys are betting on my relationship?” I squeak. She has got to be kidding.
It's her turn to shrug. “Colton and Lea's idea. Not mine.”

***

His eyes clouded with fury, and he stepped towards me forcing me to take a few steps away. I was afraid of him when he was angry and I knew that it was wrong – that I shouldn't have felt unsafe around him because then people would question why I was still with him, why I stayed with him if every time he was mad, I felt fucking terrified of what he might do.
“What's wrong with you, huh? What did I ever do to deserve you to treat me like shit?” He snapped and if I wasn't in this situation right now, I would've laughed. So hard.
“You're kidding, right?” I asked, and he rose his eyebrows.
“Do I look like I'm kidding?”
I turned around to leave because I was so done with him right now, but his fingers clasped around my wrist – not gently at all, and he spun me around.
“Don't walk away from me.”
I try not to think about what happened after that.

***

“What do you think about this one?” Anna asks, holding up a knee length red dress that flows and I instantly fall in love with.
“It's gorgeous!” I say and she grins and thrusts it in to my hands.
“Try it on!”
I go in the change room and slip the dress on but quickly decide that it looks much better on the hanger than it does on me. I start to take it off when Anna yells out to me.
“Get out here! I want to see what it looks like.”
When I walk out, I see Alex standing next to Anna and I scowl at her knowing that is why she called me out.
“Looks great,” she says and nudges Alex. “doesn't it Alex?”
Alex quickly rakes his eyes over me and nods once, not directly looking me in the eyes. “Yeah, it looks pretty.”
Anna elbows him in the ribs and he shoots her a glare and starts to rub his side. After Anna raises a brow at him, he turn back towards me and slowly runs his eyes over me making me blush. He smiles but it's forced.
When Anna lets out a defeated sigh, she turns on her heel and starts to walk away.
“I'll leave you two to work out this mess.” She says and I grit my teeth, cursing her for leaving me here with Alex when there is thick tension between us.
“If I go change out of this dress, you won't be gone when I come out, right?” I ask and he purses his lips but shakes his head.
“I won't be gone.”

He's waiting when I come out of the dressing room, looking at something on his phone. When he hears me, he looks up and his gaze meets mine. I start to put the dress on the rack, he stops me.
“You should get it. It looked really good on you.” he says and I blush but tuck it under my arm and make my way to the check-out.
Once the dress is paid for, we leave and twenty minutes later we're sitting on my couch and all I can think is that we've been here before.
I open my mouth to speak but my phone rings. I consider ignoring it but when I see it's Colton, I answer it in case something is wrong.
Shooting Alex an apologetic smile, I bring the phone up to my ear.
“This better be good, I am in the middle of something.” I say and Colton lets out a huff.
“I have a bit of a problem...” He says and I roll my eyes.
“If you're calling me cause you're having wedding jitters and want me to send you a plane ticket to Mexico then you'll have to call Sydney. I don't have time-”
“Ava's pregnant.”
“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” I scold. “What have you done?”
“It wasn't planned!” He says defensively and I snort.
“Of course it wasn't planned. Ava must be devastated cause she told me she didn't want kids for another ten years.”
“Well yeah she's not – wait, she told you ten years?” He asks sounding shocked.
“Colton, that's hardly the problem right now. What are you guys going to do about the wedding? Cause soon she ain't gonna fit in that dress.”
“I guess we'll have to have the wedding early.” He says and I grin, letting out a small giggle.
“That's great! I bought a dress today so now I'll have a reason to wear it.”
“Eleanor! This isn't funny. Ava is freaking out and I don't know what to do.”
“You'll figure it out Colton.” I say and look at Alex who looks so clueless. “Listen, I'm kinda busy so I'll call you later.”
“Eleanor wait-”
I end the call, cutting him off mid sentence. He needs to learn to deal with problems like this by himself instead of calling me.
“So what was that about?” Alex asks, sounding curious. Perhaps he's wondering who Colton is.
I smirk and shake my head. “That was Colton, my cousin but he's more like my brother. Anyway, he's engaged to Ava who he's been with since they were like 18 and they're getting married after Christmas but he just called and said that Ava is pregnant so that kinda throws their wedding plans out the window.”
Alex nods his head thoughtfully. “Did she actually say she didn't want kids for another ten years?”
“No, I just wanted to freak Colton out.” I laugh and Alex shakes his head but chuckles.
“Poor guy.”
I shrug and bite down on my bottom lip, unsure of what to say. I'm awful when it comes to apologies so we sit here for at least fifteen minutes, saying absolutely nothing.
“Can you tell me why you left this morning?” He asks and I freeze.
Tell him why I left? He won't understand. He can't understand.
“You kept saying somebody's name in your sleep last night.” Alex says and I scold myself for going to his house last night when I was so upset.
“Who?” I ask lamely, already knowing the answer.
“Jason.”
To hear his name coming from Alex causes me to cringe. It was a stupid idea – going to Alex's last night. We wouldn't be having this conversation right now if I'd just stayed home. I should've thought it through.
You're fucking things up Eleanor.
“I don't know anyone named Jason.” I lie.
Just keep spilling the lies out, huh?
Alex stands up and shakes his head. “Okay, fine. Have it your way.”
He turns to leave but I jump up and grip his wrist, trying to pull him back.
Just tell him.
“The first time Jason hit me was when he told me we were going to the movies but instead he brought me to a party and got drunk.” I blurt out.
Alex stiffens, and where I am gripping his wrist – it becomes hard as steel. I quickly drop it and take a few steps back.
“The second time was when just the two of us went camping. I told my parents that I was going to Audrey's but instead I went with Jason. He got drunk again.”
Alex turns around and he not only looks angry but he looks so sympathetic.
But I don't want pity.
“Eleanor, I didn't-”
“I thought it was my fault for a really long time. I thought that maybe I was doing something wrong, maybe I wasn't a good enough girlfriend. I was terrified of him, Alex. That is why I can't trust anybody.”
I expect Alex to walk over, to wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything is going to be okay but he doesn't. He takes a few steps back and drops on to the stool at the breakfast bar, with an expression on his face that I can't understand.
He just watches me from across the room like he's afraid to come near me as if I'll freak out if he touches me but he doesn't understand. I crave his touch, I ache for it because when he touches me, I feel alive. It causes my body to become electrified and it makes me feel something that I haven't felt in such a long time. Something I didn't think I'd ever feel again.
I think he's surprised when I walk towards him, but he doesn't stop me when I grip his face and press our lips together. The kiss quickly changes from sweet and soft to passionate and electrified. I think that I surprise him again, when I pull away and grip his wrist, tugging him towards my room.
I know what's going to happen next and I don't stop it. I want it.
“Are you sure?” He asks and I nod because right now, there is nowhere else I'd rather be.

Notes

not really happy with this one
but i realized that Colton's finance is named Anna and i knew that would be really confusing so I changed her name to Ava

ohhh and I never really planned on Eleanor telling Alex what happened so soon but it just kinda happened
anyways let me know what you think in the comments below
- alex