Pick me, Choose me, Love me.
Chapter 4
Derek watched her leave the house, heard the front door slam behind her. Heard the engine of her Beamer roar and heard her drive out of the driveway. It didn’t help that Shattuck was barking up a tree. He finished off the beer he had opened and walked to the front of the house, letting Shattuck out of the office. He grabbed his phone out of the front pocket of his jeans and clicked on Ryan’s name. He put the phone on speaker, and walked into the living room laying down on the couch. “Ryan! Derek’s on the phone!” He smiled. “Hey Kay.” Derek said as Shattuck bounced onto the couch and curled up next to him. “He’s in the shower, how was it D?” Derek had known Kaylee for as long as he could remember, she met Ryan at Cretin-Durham Hall the private high school they attended.
The summer after Derek and Kendall’s freshman year the two arrived home to find out that Ryan not only improved drastically on D in their training sessions but he also had a beautiful girlfriend. He approved of Kaylee the minute he met her, she was a kind soul, a hockey player and overall the perfect match for Ryan. Those two were the perfect couple. “Horrible. She held back tears, I held back tears, I told her to stay and she told me it was too late for don’t go’s. I don’t know Kaylee. I don’t know if I can spend the whole summer at parties she’s at, at training sessions, at events and charity games with her and act like I don’t know her.”
Derek was really struggling with this. “We got nothing accomplished. We didn’t solve anything. We didn’t discuss anything.” He couldn’t see Kaylee but he knew her well enough to know she was giving him a sympathetic look. “Try talking to her again. You guys can’t move on without getting everything on the table.” He agreed but he didn’t know if he could sit through another session of crying, and stolen looks. “Try again. I promise you’ll feel better Step, you need to get everything off your chest.” He didn’t know what he would do without Ryan and Kaylee. “Thanks Kay, tell Ryan I’ll see him tomorrow at training. I have to go to Case De Stepan soon for family dinner.” They said their goodbyes and he hung up. He stared at the jerseys framed on the wall that he and Ryan started. Each jersey held a memory with Kendall. He really didn’t know who he was without her, the past couple months he suppressed it all, not thinking or talking about it but now faced with seeing her he had to start dealing with it all.
A couple hours later he was sitting at the dining room table in the house he grew up in. His parents staring at him, as his sister gave him side eye. No one was talking. Silence. He was getting a lot of that lately. “You do know we’ve been doing these every summer since you guys got divorced…Why is everyone acting so weird?” He took another bite of his steak. “They don’t know what there allowed to talk about.” Josie let out as she took a sip of her beer. “You can talk about anything you want. Let’s start with “Derek it’s wonderful to have you home. We missed our only son so much. We’re so proud of you and love you more then Josie.” He smirked. “At least you didn’t lose your sense of humor when you and Kendall broke up.” Josie hit him upwards the head. “Josie stop.” His mother glared at her. “Come on guys in August it will be a year, let’s get over it already. Their breakup is so old news. I kinda like single Derek, we can go out to bars together and skim the singles of Hastings.” Derek let out a laugh. “I think you’re on your own with that one Jos, I am not even thinking about dating or another girl right now.” She shrugged. “Your loss!” She smiled at him. His father still hadn’t broken eye contact with him. “Jos aren’t you late to meet your friends?” He asked her. She looked down at her phone. “Oh shit yeah. We’re going to this new country bar thing, they’re having line dancing!” He laughed at her. What he would do to be in college again with no responsibilities other then school and having fun with his bro’s. She rushed out of there, leaving him with his parents.
“So guys…” He could tell they were tiptoeing around him like he was a child. “You know what tomorrow would have been right?” His mother looked at him as she finished her plate off. “Yeah the bachelor party.” He replied. The kickoff to their wedding festivities. He wouldn’t forget. They had everything planned. All they had to do was show up. “You can’t tell me your just okay Derek. You are sensitive, and caring, and fragile. You can’t internalize this all and not talk about it.” He shook his head at her. “I am talking about it Mom with Kaylee and Ryan my best friends. And Kendall we met earlier, and we’re probably having another meeting to talk about so just stop.” He took his plate, walking into the kitchen and dumping it in the farm sink. “Is my mandatory dinner over? Am I allowed to leave?” He asked walking back into the dining room. His parents looked at him slowly nodding. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He kissed the top of his mom’s head, and hugged his dad.
Ryan and Kaylee were spending time together, Jake was hanging out with his siblings, Zach and Ryan had their kids and families to deal with and Derek was left driving back to Kingsborough alone with no plans but a night in bed watching Netflix with Shattuck. Alone. Alone with his thoughts, he hated being alone. Maybe that’s what hurt him and Kendall. Him not being able to be alone. He always had a roommate at boarding school, would come home during the summers, then went to Wisconsin had a roommate there, spent the summers living with Kendall. When he moved to New York City he moved in with Ryan and when Ryan and Kaylee moved in together, he moved in with his single teammates in Michael Del Zotto and Mats Zuccerallo. Then when MDZ got traded it was just Derek and Mats. This past season Derrick Brassard moved into MDZ’s old room after him and his girlfriend broke up. This was the first time he was ever living alone. It was weird to him.
Something he wasn’t expecting happened when he pulled into the house; Kendall’s car was sitting in his driveway. He punched in the code, 2110 both their jersey numbers; he guessed she remembered him changing it. The gates opened, and he drove in, closing behind him. He pulled up next to her car and shut off the ignition. She was sitting on the front steps of the mansion as he got out. “Kendall we have to stop meeting like this.” He smirked. She was always waiting around for him. She looked upset, like she had been crying. He strutted over to the front steps and sat down next to her. “What’s wrong?” He knew what was wrong. Everything. He turned his head to look at her. She was wearing her favorite old pair of denim shorts that she would never throw away, a Boston Blades tank top and a Shattuck Hat and she looked absolutely beautiful. Her light brunette, long hair in a braid tucked to the right. She turned to him, and for the first time in what seemed like forever she looked at him like she didn’t want him to die. “What happened Derek? This...This wasn’t supposed to be our lives. How?”
He stretched out his legs, his feet landing on the gravel of the driveway, his limbs stretching out over the two steps. “We wanted different things Kends. I wanted you in New York with me, and you wanted to go to Boston. I had done long distance for four years I didn’t want to do it again. I wanted you to come to New York with me, use your Public Relations degree, settle down. But I knew the minute I uttered that you were long gone from me. You didn’t want to settle. You had just won a silver medal. You wanted to taste gold. Which meant in two years you would have to go to Colorado and start training with the Women’s team for the ’18 Olympics. Long distance. And the Boston Blades invited you to be on their team. And all you’ve ever wanted to since Travel is play competitive hockey and that was your ticket to keep playing. So we’re here now.”
“I...I am not going back to Boston in August.” She stated. “Yeah you are Kendall. You won the CWHL cup. You tasted victory. Once Kendall Brooks tastes victory it’s like a drug, you need more.” She shook her head. “It was nice living in Boston with Hilary and competing and winning. But I can’t do it again. The Olympics once every four years is one thing, but I can’t handle that without someone to come home to. You to come home to.” They had been through this all of last August fighting about her going to Boston. Fighting about the Olympics. That’s all they did was fight. He hated fighting with her. He huffed and closed his eyes.
Derek woke up on the couch once again. His neck killed, his back felt cramped. And he felt fucking horrible. He rolled off the leather couch onto the ground and carefully stood up.
He walked up the stairs to his and Kendall’s room. He went to open the door but it was locked. “Great.” He muttered. He knocked on the door. “Kendall I would like to take a shower, can you open the door!?” He jiggled the lock. “We have two guest rooms with bathrooms and showers use one of those.” He rolled his eyes. “Kendall open the door right now.” He knocked roughly. Silence. “Kendall Kelsey Brooks open this fucking door.” Silence. “Fine. I’ll open it.” He bounded down the stairs, walked into the kitchen, opened his wallet and grabbed a credit card. She always was so stubborn, just like her grandfather.
He walked back up the stairs, jiggled the lock with the credit card in the door and he felt it unlock. He smiled. Shower time. He felt disgusting. He opened the door to her giving him a look of disgust. “I can’t keep sleeping on the couch every time you get pissed at me. If Rammer found out he would kill me, I need a good sleep I am a professional athlete for fucks sake.” He told her as he made his way to the bathroom. “I don’t give a fuck what Jim Ramsay your stupid trainer thinks of this arrangement. Stop being a douchebag and you can sleep in bed again.” She yelled as he took off his shirt and started the shower. “I was not the one who threw a cell phone at you last night. That was you!” He yelled from the bathroom. He took off his shorts and was about to hop into the shower when she came barging it. “Ever heard of knocking?” He said as he grabbed the towel off the ground and wrapped it around his waist. “Seriously? I am your Fiancé, I’ve seen your junk Derek.” He rolled his eyes. “Can I take my shower and then you can go back to throwing iPhones at my head?” He smirked at her. “I don’t want to keep fighting.” He bit his lip. “Me neither.” They never fought before this summer but now it was an everyday occurrence due to them having differing views on their relationship.
“I am sorry for throwing my phone at your head and making you sleep on the couch.” She wrapped her arms around his neck. “I am sorry for trying to decide everything for us now. I’ll try to think about your side too.” She smiled at him. “I missed my body heater in bed last night.” She mumbled into his chest. “I missed you pressed up against me. I don’t like sleeping without you.” She kissed him, and he knew they were good again.
He opened his eyes and looked at her. “You can’t say those things to me Kendall.” He stood up and opened the door to the house. She didn’t move. “I can’t sit out here. Bugs. You coming in?” He glanced at her. “If you want me to.” He shook his head then nodded. “I want you to.” She followed him inside. “Why can’t I say those things Derek?” She asked following him to the living room, sitting down next to him on the couch. “Because we are not together anymore. We’re not a couple anymore. You’re not mine. I am not yours anymore. You can’t say things like I wish I was coming home to you. You could of came home to me you chose Hockey over me.” He shouted at her. She teared up again. “And you wanted a stay at home girlfriend and wife over me.” She said through her tears. He let out a sigh. “Is it so wrong of me? I am a pro athlete. I wanted to come home to my wife and kids everyday after a game or practice. I didn’t want my future kids to be handed off to nannies while both their parents were away playing a children’s game. So sorry, I couldn’t walk away from the game, I am in it too deep. But you, you could of walked away with your head up high, a silver medal on your neck and a national championship ring on your finger. So yeah sorry if I wanted that.”
Here they were fighting about the thing that ripped them apart so many months later. “I am sorry. Okay? I am sorry Derek. I am older now, after playing in the CWHL I know what I want! I want you. I want the Olympics every four years. I want this house and the 2.5 kids, and everything.” She whispered. He shook his head. “You can’t do this now Kendall! You can’t just walk back into my life after months and months of silence and say these things.”
He bit his lip biting through skin and feeling the blood drip into his mouth. “You can’t.” He repeated. “Why not?” She yelled. “Because it will make me want to kiss you. And let you back in. And do this all over again and I don’t know if I can trust you to stay!” He was frustrated and pissed. “I’ll show you, you can trust me again if you promise me to pick me, choose me, love me this time.” She whispered so soft that he barely heard her but he did. “You picked me last time. You chose me. You loved me and you hurt me. By throwing the ring in my face.” He remembered that day like it was this morning.
Derek waited in the lobby of the Hastings ice Pavilion for Kendall to finish up her session. He needed to meet Ryan and Kaylee at the airport. Kendall had some stuff to tie up in Hastings and she would be meeting him in New York City in a couple days. He had kicked Mats and Derick out of the apartment they had shared so she could move in. He couldn’t wait to get back to the city and start the season, he felt like this was going to be the one, Ryan was captain, he had an A and they were going to win the cup and bring it home to Hastings and Minnesota. He waited patiently for her and once he saw her come over to him in her gear, Bauer Slides on her feet instead of skates. “Okay so I am going to get out of here. I said goodbye to my family and the rest of the boys. We start training camp in a week so we have Captain’s practices starting the day after tomorrow, I can still pick you up from the airport, when are you coming in again?” He smiled at her.
She looked back at him with a blank look before she bit her lip like he always did when he was nervous or upset and then she started to cry. “Baby what’s wrong? I am going to see you in a couple days! We’ve been through longer periods of not seeing each other.” He said as he hugged her. “It’s not that.” He was confused. “Then what?” He asked her. “I am not coming to New York now.” She let out. “Okay? So when? A couple weeks? That’s fine we have a little while until the pre season winds down. Take your time. I’ll hang out with the boys.”
She shook her head. “Derek...I am not coming to New York at all.” Now he was really confused. “Kendall what are you trying to say?” His voice got louder. “I am saying Derek I am going to report to the Blades in a couple days, to Boston.” He thought she decided not to go, he thought she picked him, and their future together. “Are you kidding me?” He let out. “Your joking right Kendall? Please tell me your joking?” His voice tightened. “No Derek...I am not.” She said through tears. He let go of her. “What about us?” He asked. “I need some time Derek. To figure out what I want. I’ve been on the Derek train for such a long time, I need to focus on the Kendall train and see where it takes me.” He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “What does that mean Kendall for us.” He asked again. “It means I need a break from you, from us.” She let out through tears. “I can’t, I can’t. Are you fucking serious?” She nodded. “I am sorry Derek. Go to New York with Kaylee and Ryan. They are waiting for you. Have an amazing season. And don’t worry about me. Ok?” She gently took off the ring and put it in her palm. “Take it.” She stated. “No it’s yours. It’s your ring Kendall. We’re getting married next August.” He started tearing up. “No we’re not Derek. Please don’t make this difficult, take it.” He shook his head. “No! Don’t do this Kends don’t.” He yelled. “I am sorry Derek. Just know that.” She placed the ring in his palm and kissed his forehead. “Go.” She shouted. “Please go.” He closed his eyes, tears dripping down his face. He walked away from her, towards his car, and towards Ryan and Kaylee and towards New York City away from Kendall.
Kendall pleaded for Derek to listen to her. “This time will be different, I am different. I don’t know me without you Derek.” Kendall begged. “No they won’t. You will resent me for you not playing, you always will.” He told her point blank. “It will always be the elephant in the room.” He didn’t want to be the sensible one but at the moment he had to be. “No it won’t D, I promise. I am going to try out for the Connecticut Whale of the WNHL and if that doesn’t work I am done until the Olympics.” He looked at her. “The Connecticut Whale is less then an hour from the City.” He did the math in his head. “I know. I’ll commute from said city.” He looked at her with a confused look. “You’ve been thinking about this.” She nodded. “Since the night you won the cup.” He gave her an even more confused look. “Then why the hate at the rink? Then why yesterday?” She moved closer on the couch to him. “I saw my grandmother today and she said I lost the glow about me since I lost you. She called you my Herb. That my grandfather wouldn’t want me to hate you for wanting the best for us. And we’re meant to be.” Grandma Patti always got to her. “Kends can we just talk about this later? I am tired and I am confused and I just need a break.”
The last one was a throwback to what she said to him last summer. “Derek.” Kendall said with a need in her voice. “What Kendall what?” She slipped into his lap wrapping her legs around his waist. “Kendall stop it.” He said without trying to move her away from him. “Stop talking.” She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. He missed the way she kissed him, like there was no other person in the world she would rather kiss. The kiss turned needy as his hands traveled under her tank top. He was into it until he realized what was happening. “No Kendall.” He pulled away. She would not hurt him again. “I think you need to go.” He repeated. “Derek please. One night. We can figure out everything later. We can fight later. I missed you.” He closed his eyes. “One night.” She nodded. She unraveled herself from him and stood up. Walking over to the back staircase leading upstairs, to the bedroom they were supposed to share together. He could either kick her out or follow her up there. He bit his lip and got up following her. Sensible Stepan had to wait until tomorrow morning. Tonight all he wanted to do was be with Kendall again.
Love this!
3/16/16