Again

Vidya scratched another jumble of words on her paper and sighed. In the little wastebasket by her feet there was a pile of crumpled up notebook pages. She was leaving in a week and she hadn’t told him yet. Rubbing her face in her hands she began to write another way to explain why she was leaving.

Its a great opportunity, I’ll be giving something back, I could give these girls a chance they never had before.

Yet all of her options didn’t explain why she took the position without telling him Yet deep down she knew why. Ever since the season started he had been distant, only focused on the team and winning. Every loss would upset him and he’d come home agitated and on edge. As if his increased scoring couldn’t make him happy, that it didn’t matter if the team couldn’t win.

As much as she hated to admit it he wasn’t that same boy she’s fallen for all those years ago. That teenage boy who she began tutoring, whose smile managed to make her anger towards him lessen even when she was pissed off at him.

She knew being with him would be difficult, his career was different from the norm. He would be gone for stretches of time playing games. Yet when he came home he wasn’t really there with her. Something had changed between them, they weren’t clicking the way they had before. She began to think of that scene in Citizen Kane, where he and his wife began to move further and further apart at the table until they were on opposite sides all together.

Than that persistent fear that ate away at her came back. That maybe he wasn’t in love with her anymore. That he had checked out of their relationship, because when you had hundreds of beautiful women willing to sleep with you, suddenly that girlfriend from highschool lost her appeal.

But she loved him, she had ever since he had dropped her off one night and she realized everything in the world was right when she was with him. But she couldn’t keep going on like this, pretending his absence and neglect didn’t hurt, pretending that things would always be the same.

The door opened and she felt her heart began to race, it was now or never.

“Vidya? “ He called out before walking into the kitchen. He saw the paper crumpled up and before she could react he grabbed the sheet from the table. Reading it his eyebrows knit together in confusion.

“Whats going on?” He asked and Vidya took a deep breath.

“A while ago my aunt told me about this great opportunity. There’s a school opening up in Mumbai. Its specifically for girls from the slums. “ Vidya explained “I would become a teacher there, I’d help them get out of poverty and give them a chance they wouldn’t have. She stopped unsure of what to say to him next, how to tell him she would be leaving him. “I took the position.”

Jamie was silent, his face went slack the revelation hung in the air between them.

"Jamie?" She asked her voice barely audible.

“You're going to India, your are moving across the world without telling me?” He exclaimed, his outburst caused her to jump.

“I’m leaving next tuesday.”She mumbled looking down at the floor.

“A week? You’re telling me a week before? Were you about to text be right before you got on the fucking plane? ‘Oh by the way I’m moving to fucking India ttyl?”

“Jamie…” She said but he held up his hand cutting her off.

“No, I just want to know why you never told me, did you think how I would feel that you're leaving?”

“I tried to Jamie.” She explained, “Every time I began to say something you never listened to me!” Jamie paused shifting back and forth on his feet before running his hand through his hair.

He’d been busy with the season he’d been busy being captain to his team. That was the excuse he kept telling himself.

“How long are you going to be gone?” He asked, his voice was softer this time. He didn’t sound angry rather he seemed hurt.

“Six months.” She explained and Jamie sighed.

“What does this mean for us?” His question made her stomach flip.

“Thats what I had to tell you.” Vidya could feel her eyes burning. It would be for the best, it wouldn’t work trying to keep something on two different continents. That there wasn't exactly much to keep up.

“We’re not the same as we used to be. “ She breathed not wanting to admit to him what she had been thinking about for the past weeks. “I know you think this too.”

Jamie stared at her in shock.

“You want to break up?” Jamie breathed, “After everything we did to get here you want to break up?

No, I don’t want to break up with you, I want to go back to the way we were, to being happy with just each other and being in love.

“I know that I’m tired of pretending that it doesn’t hurt when it feels like you're not really here with me. When we’re having dinner and it’s completely silent because we don’t have anything to say to each other. That you don’t really care about us anymore.“

Jamie stared at her, she’d been thinking this all the time? That she didn’t think he was committed to the relationship?

“I just think that while I’m gone we shouldn’t…” She stopped unable to bring herself to say the words.

“Just take a break?” He ended up saying and she nodded. Vidya could feel a tear break the barrier and run down her cheek.

Jamie sucked in a breath before rubbing his face.

“If that’s what you really want than okay.” He told her, he grabbed his keys from the counter. “I’m going over to Tylers for tonight. “

“When are you coming back?” Vidya choked out, her chest felt tight trying to hold in the tears.

“I’m not sure, I may grab some things tomorrow. You want your space after all.” His words felt like a slap to the face.

“Jamie please.” Vidya gasped , her tears at last unable to be contained.

“I’ll say goodbye before you leave.” He told her as he left the kitchen.

The front door slammed and she heard him start up the car. Backing up to the cabinet she slid down to the floor.

Notes