Unexpected

We never really got to talk about his ex this evening after all. The minute we got in the bedroom the mood got all lusty and well that’s that. Honestly, I don’t think I want to know too much about her. If he doesn’t want to talk about her, then I won’t try to force it. Right now, I’m sitting on our bed with my laptop in front of me, editing articles. Luckily, this month's articles are well written so there isn’t too much to edit. Sid is lying next to me, lazily playing with my hair as I sort through all the articles. I love our evenings like this; just the two of us, no phone calls or prior engagements. It means so much to me now that we’re into August which means he’ll be training for the season to start again. It’ll be his first full season back from his concussion and neck issues. All of a sudden, a rush of worry floods my body—of our future and his health.

“Babe,” I whisper.

“Mhm,” Sidney mumbles as he nudges my arm with his face. He’s an actual puppy sometimes.

“Are you all good? You’ve been awfully quiet this evening,” I ask. Sid moans and lies back on the pillows, his hand rubbing my back.

“I’m fine, just a little tired. We were a little busy this afternoon,” he says. I can sense the grin on his face and I’m happy I’m right when I look at him. I absolutely love the way the corners of his eyes crinkle when he smiles.

“Uh huh. You’re awful.”

“No I’m not,” he argues as he sits up, his face inches from mine. Sidney’s eyes are mischievous while he stares me down and it takes everything in me not to jump his bones for the third time today. “You thoroughly enjoyed our little escapades today, didn’t you?” His voice is husky in my ear as he runs his lips up and down my neck.

“Yes I did but now I have to work,” I say reluctantly shrugging him off. “The only way I was able to go on this little vacation was if I kept up with my work. Can you be a doll and get my phone, please? It’s in my bag.” Sidney groans before rolling off the bed and walking into our closet.

“You’re lucky I think you’re cute,” he says trudging into the closet.

“Why? Otherwise, you wouldn’t get my phone? Whatta noob,” I snort.

“What the fuck Seraphina?” Sidney’s voice cuts through the brief silence in our room. My head whips to the direction of his voice to see him standing in the doorway holding my pack of cigarettes in his right hand. My heart is threatening to bust out of my chest and I suddenly feel like vomiting. My mouth is dry as I try to speak.

“I-I meant to tell you,” my voice comes out barely above a whisper. I can barely look him in the eye at this point; I know he looks like a disappointed father.

“Well it’s a disgusting and unhealthy habit for a lady to have,” his words curl with disgust and it sets me off.

“Fuck you; I’m a grown woman who makes her own decisions,” I snarl. Turning to face him, all I see is red. I can feel my blood pumping all the way to my ears; my nose flares in anger. His face is contorted in a look I can’t quite pick out.

“I didn’t tell you because it is embarrassing and I know it’s a gross habit for a woman to have. So fuck you for judging me.” He’s not my father; he’s not entitled to know every detail of my life especially since we’ve only been dating for almost two months. I continue to stare at my computer screen until I don’t even know what I’m looking at; I’m too scared to look at him, not because he’s scary but because I don’t want him to see me cry. Or look at the disgust I know that is on his face or anger since I just snapped on him. The silence in the room is killing me but I refuse to break it. I prepare myself for the yelling match that may ensue when I hear Sidney shift.

“Look at me,” Sidney says when he sits on the bed next to me, but not too close because of the tension. “Baby, please.” I sigh and slowly turn to face him, my tears dangerously close to spilling over. His face is a mixture of things; pain, disappointment, sadness. Love. He takes a deep breath before speaking.

“I love you so much, you know that right?” I nod. “I’m just pissed you didn’t tell me sooner. When did you start?”

“It’s been on and off for years, since high school.”

“Is there a reason you started smoking?” Sidney prods. I shut my computer, pushing it to the side before laying back on the pillows higher up on the bed... I cover my eyes with my hands.

“Not really. I just have always lived life on the edge so smoking was part of that. It was and still is a way for me to avoid my issues. That and weed and booze.” Sidney is silent for a while before asking more questions. I can see him twiddle his thumbs when I peek through my hands.

“What issues? You have issues?” Sidney asks. Here’s the conversation that I’ve been delaying. It’s finally here to either make or break this relationship. I take deep breaths to calm down before I speak.

“I have really shit anxiety. Like full blown panic attacks that for a while were pretty regular. My mind always telling me I’m not good enough, that shit is going to hit the fan. That I’m a burden. For a long time, I was depressed and battling my anxiety. It got so bad I tried,” my voice breaks when I try to finish. Sitting up, I try to get a grip; my head is pounding and I definitely feel like throwing up. My mind wanders to that night.

“I was in my dorm room at NYU, sitting in the tub. I had just taken some painkillers and chugged more vodka than I knew I could handle. The water was warm, I remember it really well.” I look at Sid who is staring me down, silently begging that they story I’m telling isn’t going the way he knows it is. I swallow the lump in my throat and continue.

“I wore a white tank top and black boy short underwear. I didn’t want to die naked. I contemplated slicing my wrists but thought that was too gruesome—this was more…elegant?” I snort at the thought, not that it’s funny, but how fucked up that thinking is.

“I dunked my head in the water as I started to feel funny. I was completely done with everything in this moment; part of me knew how fucking selfish this was but at least I’d be at peace. No one listened to my cries of help so, at that moment, they would have to listen. If I was still as religious as I once was, maybe I could have found a better way out. I remember waking up in the hospital, hooked up to numerous wires and harsh white light burned my eyes. I started crying almost immediately. Morgan was there and so were a few other people close to me like my coach and some other friends. They told me my parents were on the way.

They told me that Morgan came to check in on me when I didn’t answer her calls—she came to visit me that week. She went out that evening when I tried to end it. They said I was dead for nearly twenty minutes but they saved me, obviously. They told me I was going to be on suicide watch for a long time and that they would admit me to psych ward. I cried even harder at that. When I was stronger, I went to therapy and had to have everything that could cause me harm locked away. I did my school work online; it’s funny that I was so determined to get my degree even after what I tried to do.

My parents were so fucking pissed but they were sad more than anything. It pulled our family closer in some ways—it forced them to pay attention to all their children, not just the one with special needs. Morgan said she’d kick my ass if I ever gave her a scare like that ever again.” That’s as far as I’m willing to go with the story. I didn’t even notice that Sid wasn’t looking at me anymore as I was talking.

“Sid,” I whisper, crawling to the edge of the bed to get a look at his face. He’s crying. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“For what,” he grunts softly. His hands are white from holding them together so tightly. I wipe tears from his warm face.

“For being a mess, for telling you all that. It’s a lot for people to handle but it explains a lot about me. After recouping, I realized I’m not my anxiety or depression. I have so much to live for and so much to do. I have people that need me, things I want to do like get married and have so many babies it's silly.” Sidney chuckles a little through sniffles. I get off the bed to stand in front of him, his legs on either side of me. Taking his face in my hands, I gently raise it to look at me. Suddenly, tears leave my eyes as well.

“I’m okay now. Okay? I take my medicine every day, I do things to distract me and manage my thoughts. But if this is too much for you,” I pause before I continue. “I understand. I’m giving you an out.” Sidney’s mouth drops and his eyes widen in shock.

“No,” he huffs while he stands up. His eyes search me crazily, this time, it’s his turn to grab my face but unlike me, he’s more aggressive. “I’m not leaving you. I know you don’t need me but I want to be there when you do. God, I fucking love you. Don’t you ever think that you’re a burden or that you need to hide things from me. Got it?” Sid practically begs. Nodding vigorously, I stand on my tip toes to catch his lips to mine. He moans softly before wrapping me in a warm embrace. I can feel the need and love behind his kisses as our lips melt together. Smiling inwardly, I know that we’ll be alright.

Notes

Well, this got kinda dark but that's how life is sometimes. The topic in this chapter is very personal for me on so many levels (levels I'm not willing to discuss) and I hope those going through feelings and issues like these who are reading it can find some sort of solace knowing that they're not alone and that they are worthy of good things in their life. If you feel this kind of way, definitely seek help and a support system, don't keep it in.

Now that is out of the way, how are these two going to carry on now that Sidney knows Sera's dark past? How does Sidney's ex play into this? Mhmm, good stuff is coming up, make sure to check for updates (I got the writing bug).