I end up leaving for NYC early this morning not sure how I feel. Sad that I’m leaving Sid behind but relieved to go home and get back to my normal routine. He promised that he’d give me some pace for the week and may come to visit next week. I will admit, being away from him for a while makes me want to throw up. You fall into a rhythm—waking up next to him and starting your day together. Going home to him and starting the whole thing back up again. I made sure to let him know that me leaving wasn’t the end of our relationship. Then why does it feel like that?

I take a cab then the subway to my place in Greenwich Village. I lug my bags through the elevator then down the hall to my door. My place seems unfamiliar to me; too small compared to Sid’s home in Nova Scotia. Sighing, I don’t bother to unpack, instead, I trudge into the kitchen and look for a spoon and some ice cream.

---

“So what’s the deal with you and Sid?” Morgan asks over dinner. She told me it would be a good idea to go out and do something to get him off my mind for a bit and I have to agree. Being away from him proved to be much harder in practice—every fiber in me craved his touch and attention and it took a lot of self-restraint not to hop on the next plane up there.

“We’re just… I don’t even know actually,” I admit pitifully. I stuff some fries in my mouth and chew slowly. “I just needed to be by myself again. I felt lost there.”

“Understandable,” she says taking a sip of her soda. “It’s so easy to lose yourself in someone. Especially in the hockey players,” Morgan winks. I chuckle and throw the wrapper to my straw at her.

“This is very true! I just needed space. I told him everything,” I say quietly as I wait for Morgan’s response. She puts down her burger she was about to take a huge bite out of.

“Oh shit,” she cringes and I nod. “How’d that go? That’s not the reason for this weird pause?”

“Eh, no. He took it as well as anyone can, I guess. Just everything after that got weird or that could just be my anxiety fucking me over.” Morgan reaches across the small table and grabs my hand, holding it reassuringly.

“It’s not you or him, Sera. I think you two moved way too fast and now you’re getting cold feet so to speak. It’ll be okay, you’ll see.” I squeeze her hand lovingly. This is why I keep her around, she’s my life raft sometimes.

“I hope you’re right.”

---

~One Week Later~

I wake at 7:00 on the couch, slightly stiff from my slumber. Morgan dropped off the cats last night so I feed them and take a quick shower before changing into a coral color high waisted pencil skirt and a white blouse with gold buttons down the middle that I leave two open to expose my well-endowed chest a little. Red open toed stilettos, a few strings of fake pearls around my neck, Michael Kors white gold watch, a gift from the designer himself, and my black Birken's bag complete the outfit. Almost; I tie my hair up and let my bangs sweep across my face. Maybe I should dye my hair, I'm sick of this dark strawberry color. Maroon possibly? I'll ponder over it later.

A small amount of make up perfume and my glasses that I've decided to start wearing again when I can finally leave my bedroom. I grab a bowl of cereal since I'm too lazy to actually cook anything right now. I look at my watch, 7:45. I thought I took longer, guess not. I sit down and turn on the TV, watching the early morning news on MSNBC, the place I'm dying to work at after Vogue. My nerves are all over the place even after taking my meds. Sid told me he’d come over to see me today and that has got me all jittery. I don’t even know why. Am I nervous or excited? Why would I be nervous? He is my boyfriend after all.

We had talked about us before I left; I told him this wasn’t a breakup. I was just feeling out of place and annoyed with him since the birthday thing so I needed a little space. He agreed and apologized for the millionth time for his behavior before letting me go. We kept in touch while apart, nothing too serious.
My doorbell rings. Getting up to open the door, I'm shocked to see who it is. I open the door.

"Oh, I wasn’t expecting you now. What are you doing here?" I ask Sidney. His hat is low over his eyes, hair no longer poking out from underneath it. He's wearing a gray fitted t-shirt much to my dismay and dark jeans and sneakers, his usual. This look is my favorite on him and it makes me swoon every time with this time being no different.

"I came to see you obviously. Can you let me in?" His voice soft and inviting— enticing even. "Um sure," I say hesitantly. I move out of the way to let him in. Sidney walks in and looks around, “I forgot how small it is in here.”

“Well, not all of us have a salary like yours, Crosby,” I retort as I gather my bags for work. A week from Sid was good for me but I feel like I made it awkward. He leans against the back of the sofa.

“That is true,” he laughs. “I missed you.” My heart skips a beat and I look at him like he just told me he loves me for the first time.

“I missed you too, Sidney,” I admit as I walk over to him. I stand in between his legs as he holds my hands by my sides. He looks up at me with so much love I swear I might explode. How could I ever think of letting this man go? Sidney makes me so incredibly happy I cannot even put it into words. But that happiness and that love I have for him scare the shit out of me. That lingering feeling and those voices deep in my subconscious are always there to remind not to fuck up. That I’m not good enough; that I have too much baggage for a man like Sidney to carry; that I’m not worthy of his love. I know that all of that isn’t true but that’s how anxiety works.

“Oh yeah?” Sidney asks, his head tilted to the side. “What did you miss about me?” I roll my eyes and giggle.

“I missed your hugs and your kisses. I missed waking up next to you. I missed playing house with you,” I bite my lower lip shyly. “I missed doing inappropriate things with you.” His eyes twinkle deviously as the corner of his mouth twists up coyly.

“What inappropriate things, Seraphina?” His voice is low and raspy, just how I like it. He lets go of my left hand, his right hand running up and down the length of my thigh.

“You know what inappropriate things, Sidney,” I huff. I have no idea why I’m all shy about this. It reminds me of when we first started getting intimate; everything felt so new and exciting and it made me blush. Well, my version of blushing anyway.

“I do. But I want to hear you say it,” Sidney grins. Gosh, I cannot stand him right now. I stomp my foot a little in frustration with the situation and my stubbornness in my refusal to say what I want.

“Like,” I start, choosing my words wisely. I don’t want them to be too crass or too vague. “When you put your tongue in between my legs and don’t stop until I’m begging you to stop.” This throws him off a little because he looks back at me blankly before smiling.

“Is that it?”

“Of course not,” I back away from him and hold my hand out. “I was thinking I could just show you instead.” Sidney lets out a groan and follows me to the bedroom.

Notes