“It’s a new world, it’s a new start, it’s alive with the beating of young hearts. It’s a new day, it’s a new plan, I’ve been waiting for you, here I am…”


By the act of a deity, or by her own unluckiness, Marie’s appointment was pushed back a day. The doctor to be performing the procedure had given vague reasons over the phone, and it frustrated her to know that this experience would have to be prolonged.

Now the procedure was on the day she was supposed to take Sofia home from the hospital. She had done exceptionally well post-surgery, and looked to be making a quick recovery. For Marie, she saw it as her young body doing its work.

Marie was laid back on the table, feet propped up in stirrups, waiting for this to be over with. The door opened up, and she nearly breathed a sigh of relief. The sooner the doctor came in, the sooner she could help nurse Sofia back to health. But instead of someone in a white lab coat walking in, it was Marco. And he was holding Sofia.

“Please don’t make this harder on me than it already is.”

Marco sat down in the chair at her side, “this is hard for you? You seemed pretty confident in your decision,”

“Of course it is. I didn’t come to this decision lightly,” she glanced at Sofia, sleeping in her dad’s arms. “What are you doing here?”

“I told you I’m here for you, so here I am. I’m still your husband… at least until you go through with this,”

“Please understand. You don’t know how much it kills me as a mother to watch my child turn blue, to know that I can’t do anything for her… To watch her suffer through heart surgery… To know she’ll have to suffer through it again. It kills me.” Like everyday since then, Marie began to cry, “I would do anything for it to be me instead of her. So this baby,” Marie put her hands on her stomach, “I have time to save this one. I can make sure this baby doesn’t have to suffer. I can make sure it doesn’t have to have surgery after surgery after surgery. So yes Marco, this decision is hard on me. And the only thing harder would be to have to watch both of my babies suffer,”

“How can I love a woman that doesn’t even consider my feelings? How can I love a woman that is selfish enough to take a child away from me? My heart is strong, your heart is strong, our families hearts are strong… you’re taking your fear out on a baby that would most likely be healthy if you just gave it the chance to be born.”

Marie watched as his eyes filled with tears, threatening to turn loose.

“I love you… so damn much… that I’m here, by your side, as you take my future away from me. That baby, our second child, will be healthy. Please, I’m begging you,”

“Marco, please… I would die,”

“You’re already killing me,” he interrupted. “You’re killing me,” he repeated, voice trailing off to nothing. He looked down at Sofia and allowed himself to cry.

Marie looked at him and opened her mouth to say something, but now the doctor actually walked in.

“Hello there. I’m Doctor Huntington… I’ll be performing the abortion for you today,” he sat down on the stool between Marie’s legs and pulled latex gloves over his hands. “Before we begin today, I’m just going to find the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler…”

“Why,” Marie shrieked.

“It’s procedure, miss.”

Marco’s gut ached. He closed his eyes, not sure if he should hate Bill or thank him. He supposed that still remained to be seen. Marco knew damn well that finding the heartbeat wasn’t procedure, and somewhere in her, Marie knew it too. But not wanting to go against the doctor, who was she to speak up? Bill knew that hearing the heartbeat would make it real for Marie, and it might be the thing she needed to change her mind. But Marco also knew, that if she heard it and still wanted to go through with the abortion, he’d be a dead man. As of this moment, that child was still more of an idea than a reality to him. He wasn’t carrying the baby, hadn’t seen it on an ultrasound; but the moment he heard the heartbeat, it would turn into a reality. And it would finish him.

The doctor pressed the probe to Marie’s abdomen and moved it around, searching for something that would make or break this moment. Marco muttered a prayer to himself as he rocked Sofia in his arms gently. Marie just stared at the doctor, searching his face for clues. And then they heard it. The whooshing noise that meant their baby was in there, and Marco cried harder. And hearing that didn’t make it easier on Marie. Hearing Marco cry made her cry too.

“Would you like me to proceed, miss?”

Marco willed himself to open his eyes, and he was devastated when he saw Marie nod her head. Doctor Huntington flicked his eyes to Marco as though he was silently apologizing that Bill’s plan hadn’t worked.

The doctor repositioned himself between Marie’s legs, reaching over to sort his instruments on the tray beside him. Marco choked on his breath and was about to stand up and leave. He couldn’t be here for this. But Marie grabbed on his forearm, and looked up at him. Her eyes were just as red and puffy as his, and he sat back down. If she actually made him sit through this, he was sure he’d never forgive her.

“Alright, here we go.” Doctor Huntington reached for the end of the paper hospital gown and flipped it upwards so he could begin.

Marie’s hand bolted down and waved him off, “wait… wait.” She was hyperventilating, unable to get enough air into her from sobbing. Her other hand squeezed Marco’s arm, “I’m changing my mind, stop. Please stop.”

She begged until the doctor backed away from her, and then the real floodgates opened for both her and Marco. Sometime within the sobbing, the doctor left them alone, and Marco leaned over and nuzzled his face into the base of Marie’s neck. She did the same to him, with her arms secured around him. The jostling had woken Sofia up, and now she too cried, if not for the same reason as her parents.

Marco sat back and bounced Sofia in his arms to calm her down. But now she was wound up. Marie took her from him, and pressed her lips to her head gently. Words could not express how relieved Marco was that Marie had chosen to change her mind, albeit at the last moment possible. With his hands now free, he set one on top of her head, and bent back down to kiss her. He was still sniffling, but he couldn’t stop kissing her.

Bill’s idea had worked. He had just saved Marco and Marie’s family.

---

Getting home that night was a relief. Marco had collected his belongings from the hotel and came home. It would have been easy to write everything off and let things slide, but then the problems would still be there, just covered up. The real problem was that in a situation where they should’ve sat down and discussed things through, Marie had come to her own conclusion and was prepared to act on it.

Marco stood by his reasoning. If Marie’s life had been in any real danger, he would’ve backed her decision to go through with the abortion. But that hadn’t been the case, and he wanted to make sure she understood why he had fought her on a decision concerning her body.

After putting Sofia to bed for the night, Marie came back into the kitchen with the new baby monitor. This one had a screen that streamed to a camera set up in the nursery. After what had happened, Marie was apprehensive to take her eyes off of Sof for too long.

She sat down across from Marco and pursed her lips tightly. “Before we get into an inevitable conversation, I just want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for not consulting you about something that concerned our child’s life. I’m sorry for being stubborn about my choice. And I’m sorry for making you suffer.”

Marco stared at her even though she wasn’t looking at him. It was still a little too painful for her to make eye contact.

He eventually nodded, “I accept your apologies. But it raises issues in our ability to communicate, and that’s something I never questioned. We’ve always been able to talk things out, and on this you were so willing to be a dictator.”

Now she looked at him. “One thing I won’t apologize for is making a decision about my own body. I’m only sorry for not being open to hearing your perspective and taking it into consideration. My dad controlled me for a long time, and so my choices to do what I want with my body started with which boys I wanted to sleep with. They weren’t great choices, but they were mine about myself. I’m not going to go back to being the girl who had a man determine what she was going to do with her body.”

He could respect her for having those standards for herself. Maybe that was even a part he loved about her. “I don’t want you to be that girl. I’m proud that you take charge of your own body. Not once have I ever made a decision about your body, or forced you to do something you didn’t want. I’ve never told you how to dress or how to present yourself.” Marco reached out and touched her hands, “I’m not your keeper, I’m your husband. And I don’t think being your husband means that I’m allowed to make your decisions for you. I am no more or less dominant in this relationship than you are. I’m not angry because you made a decision about your body. I’m angry because you were ready to take our child’s life based on something you perceived to be true in your own head.”

“I know…”

“And there was nothing backing that,” he interrupted her and felt sort of guilty about it. His intention was never to get this worked up. “No science, no heart murmur… You looked at Sofia and got scared. And you decided that you didn’t want to feel that fear again. But what you failed to think through was that whether or not you had this second child, you’d still feel that fear. Because regardless of that second baby, Sofia would be in the same predicament.”

“I know, what do you want me to say? That I fucked up? Okay, I fucked up. I looked at my daughter and watched her have two heart surgeries in a year and I panicked. What kind of mother… what kind of person would I be if I put another innocent child through that? And I know I’d still be scared regardless of the baby, but I thought that if I was minimizing the danger, I wouldn’t feel so guilty.”

When she started to cry again, Marco knew he had pushed too hard. Marie was clearly sorry; she’d already expressed that. She realized she had been wrong to make such a brash decision. He got up from his seat and walked around the table, crouching in front of her.

Taking her hands in his, he tried to make amends for the things he’d just said, “I’m sorry, I don’t want you to feel guilty. I just need to make sure that when it comes to our children, we’re making decisions together. Neither one of us has absolute power when it comes to them.”

“I know, and it scares me because I came so close…” she pulled her hand away from Marco’s to swipe a tear away. “I came so close to ruining everything,”

He took her hand again and kissed it. This would be the start of a painful couple months as Marie would have to deal with the fact that she came a mere few inches away from taking their child’s life. “But you didn’t, and I think that’s we should be focusing on. It won’t help us to think about what you almost did, we’re going to have to focus about what you did do. And when you see that baby in a few months, you’re going to know you did the right thing. No heart issues, just a healthy baby.”

Notes

"Here I Am" by Bryan Adams

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