“I look around but it's you I can't replace. I feel so cold, and I long for your embrace. I keep crying baby, baby, please...”


Marie looked up at the golden numbers on the front door of a loft. Now in her senior year at BU, Jess was no longer living on campus, and had gotten new digs; and nice ones if Marie did say so herself. She looked at the address again to verify it, and then knocked, taking a step back to wait for Jess to open the door.

At first she worried she arrived too early. Jess was prone to sleeping in, and never had morning classes for herself. But then she heard movement from inside the loft, and she hoisted her purse up on her shoulder.

The door flew open instead of seeing her small-framed and fiery best friend, she saw a shirtless man closer to his thirties, clean shaven and hair askew, grinning toothily at her.

“I’m sorry, I must have the wrong address,” Marie stumbled over her words momentarily and took a step back to leave.

“Marie, right?”

Marie flicked her eyes to him. Jess hadn’t mentioned a new guy in her life; although Marie hadn’t given her much of a chance to.

“Jess said to expect you. She’s just in the shower now,”

Marie didn’t move. What the hell was going on?

“Robert,” the man held out his hand. Marie shook it hesitantly. “I take it Jess didn’t say anything about me,”

She shook her head and cocked her head to the side.

“Well this leaves us in an odd situation, then.” He grinned and stepped to the side, “would you like to come in, or would you prefer to stay out here until Jess is out of the shower?”

Marie walked into the loft, and glanced around. The place had Jess written all over it. Everything was white and modern, just the way she preferred it.

“Would you like something to drink?”

She looked back at Robert, who was now standing in the kitchen, leaning over the counter that overlooked the den. “No, thanks… Is the bathroom through there?” She pointed down a short hallway with a closed door at the end of it.

Robert nodded and Marie bolted for it without trying to look too eager. She was relieved to find the bathroom door unlocked, and she slipped in.

“Jessica!”

A hand came down against the steamed up glass shower, “Jesus Christ, you’re gonna give a girl a stroke! Hold on, I’m almost done,”

Marie moved and sat down on the toilet, taking Jess’ towel into her lap. When the shower shut off, and Jess’ hand reached out past the glass, Marie held up the towel (also white) to her.

With the fluffiness wrapped around her, Jess stepped out. “You look gorgeous! What are you using on your skin?”

At the moment, Marie didn’t yet feel like saying anything about the pregnancy hormones raging through her. She needed her own answers first.

“You sounded frantic on the phone. What’s wrong?”

“Me, later. You, now. Robert?”

“Are we really going to have this conversation in the bathroom?”

“Do you really want to have it in front of him?” Marie smiled, standing.

“It’s no Scandy’s, but there’s this little coffee shop on the corner,”

Marie nodded and followed Jess out of the bathroom. Robert had since put on a shirt and was securing a tie around his neck as he stared at the TV, which now projected a financial program.

“We’re gonna head out. What time will you be home tonight?” Jess stood in front of him and reached up to finish tying his tie. She paled in comparison to his height and stature.

“What time do you want me home tonight?” He stared at her as her hands folded his collar down.

“Six? I’ll need you to turn on the grill for me,”

“Six it is,” he cupped his hands over Jess’ cheeks and kissed her passionately. It was unlike any kiss Marie had gotten in quite some time now. “I apologize for Jess’ rudeness. You can question me tonight, Marie,”

Marie blushed and nodded. Forward, yet charming. Jess rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse, before herding Marie out of the loft. There were so many questions Marie wanted to ask, but she waited until they were completely out of the building. She could give Jess that much time to gather her thoughts before she was attacked by an interrogation.

“Spill,”

“About what?” Jess mocked, nudging into Marie’s shoulder as they walked. “Rob Mulaney, thirty-one, vice president of finance at a firm that owns minor league teams. My economics professor brought him in to lecture one day,”

“So he was a midday fuck and turned into a partner?” Marie mocked back. Two could play that banter game.

Jess rolled her eyes again, sarcastically. “No. I thanked him after class for taking the time to speak with us, and left. He found me in the hallway trying to corrupt a Lambda Chi pledge. Took a shot, asked him to dinner, and then we fucked in his car. He came on one of my nicest dresses so I told him he owed me, and now here we are five months later.”

“Five months?! And you didn’t tell me? We were together for a good amount of time at my wedding… remember? And you didn’t say a thing,”

“What was I going to say on your day? Hey Marie, congratulations on getting hitched… Oh yeah, I’m screwing a guy nine years older than me. You would’ve slaughtered me,” Jess smiled and pulled open the door.

The coffee shop was pretty barren. Everyone was either already at work or on their way off to work with their coffees now in hand. Conversation was put on hold as Jess ordered tea for the both of them, and only after they retrieved their drinks, did they sit down at one of the many empty tables.

“So he came on your dress,” Marie giggled and burnt her tongue on her drink in the process. Karma.

Jess even had to laugh at it. It was almost too unbelievable to accept as true. “Just shot his wad all over my black Burberry dress. The one my father got me for my twenty-first birthday, no less.”

“Normal Jess would’ve cut off his penis. How dare he come on Burberry?”

“Normal Jess almost made an appearance,” she grinned and sipped her drink. Her expression softened, and it was one Marie had never really seen before. “He kept apologizing to me and I wanted to be angry, I really did. But all I kept thinking about was how when we were sprawled out on his backseat… how he put his hands on top of my head so I wouldn’t hit it against the door.”

Marie realized her eyes were glued to Jess. It was as though she was waiting for her to break out into hysterical laughter and claim she was just kidding. But that didn’t happen.

Jess licked her lips and shook her head incredulously, “and for once in my sad and lonely life, I felt like I was being taken care of. He wasn’t some frat boy trying to shove inches into me that don’t even exist…”

Marie nearly spit out her tea as she laughed. And Jess appreciated the reaction.

“He was a man that actually gave a shit about my pleasure… Hearing myself say it out loud, it sounds stupid,”

“No it doesn’t. It sounds like you’ve finally found someone who’s worth your time.” Marie reached across the table to hold onto Jess’ hand.

“You’re not going to lecture me on the age gap?”

“If he treats you well, respects you, and doesn’t take advantage of you, what am I to complain about? I’m happy for you, Jess. It’s about time you let someone see the real you.”

She smiled and returned Marie’s glance. “Enough about him for now. First Marco calls me and says you’ll be visiting, and then you call sounding nutty to say you’re coming out? Is everything alright in paradise?”

This conversation was not going to be an easy one. Marie expected some tears, even if they were only coming from her. She could put on a happy face and pretend like nothing was bothering her, but if she gave her mind some time to think and wander, it was very evident that something was wrong.

“I’m pregnant,” her voice was devoid of any real joyous emotion.

“Is that a bad thing?”

“A month ago, Sofia had heart surgery again because the patch my dad placed began to leak. We found out she’ll most likely need surgery every year until she stops growing,”

“On my God, Marie. And you let me babble about Rob?”

“And then I went in for an abortion…”

“Marie,”

She shook her head, “I didn’t go through with it. But it strained mine and Marco’s relationship, obviously. And now for a month, I’ve had unimaginable and consuming depression and anxiety… And I can see I’m going down a dark road, and if I don’t get off it soon, I’m going to do some real damage to my life.” This is where the tears began because the guilt crept up on her and reared its ugly head, “Marco can only keep doing this for so long before he gives up. He’s afraid I’m neglecting Sofia… one of the two people in this world I would give anything for, and I can’t even take care of her properly.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Jess whispered, grabbing hold of Marie’s hand tighter.

“Yeah because I’m a monster that threatens the life of an innocent child when things get tough. Mother of the year, over here.”

“But hun, you’re not going to get better and get over this if you don’t forgive yourself for what you did, or what you thought about doing. So you fucked up; forgive yourself. Shit, I slept with upwards of fifty assholes and just realized after all that, that I actually kind of deserve something better. So who’s really messed up here? Marco’s in love with you, so much so he’s fathered your children and has secret phone calls with your best friend to figure out ways to make your life better. Maybe you angered him, and maybe you got into a fight… he might not love you more, but he doesn’t love you less.”

Marie sniffled and wiped her nose with the back of her hand. She hadn’t realized how much she missed and needed these conversations with Jess.

“Figure out how to forgive yourself. Allow yourself to be the wife Marco needs, the mother Sofia and baby number two need, and the woman you need.” Jess gave a reassuring smile, “you’re my best friend in this whole god-forsaken world. You know I’d give you shit if you deserved it. If you were walking around, uncaring about your potential choice, I’d ream you. But you’re punishing yourself enough. It has to end, because you’re right… Marco can only take this for so long; Sofia can only take this for so long. And you and that baby, you can only take it for so long too. Please figure out or have someone help you figure out how to get better because I’d hate to have to attend a funeral for two.”

---

After spending a few days with Jess and Rob, a few things became clear to Marie. Firstly, it was no secret at all that Jess was hopelessly and irrevocably in love with Rob. The girl who never cooked in her life, who had once denounced every domestic duty, was now performing those tasks with gusto and not because Rob was asking it of her. The man of thirty-one was more than willing to take care of Jess and wait upon her, but she seemed just as adamant to please him.

Secondly, Marie came to realize how active and healthy their sex life actually was. As best friends, Marie had been around Jess when she was closing a deal. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but it happened. And she had to admit that by the sound of it, Jess was having the best experience of her life. For Marie, it made her think about her sex life of late. Nonexistent. And that was her own doing.

Lastly, seeing them together convinced Marie that she had to forgive herself for her recent past. Just in the days she was there, Marie saw how bits of Jess’ past seemed to creep up on her. She was haunted by who she had been and now that she found someone she actually cared about. Those were aspects Jess probably would’ve preferred stay hidden from Rob, but everything he found out about her didn’t change what he felt. He knew that the person she was, didn’t reflect the person she was now. For all intents and purposes, he forgave her. And in turn, she could begin to forgive herself.

With a few days left of this short road trip, Marie made her way to Connecticut. After two days there, she’d fly back to St. Paul, hopefully in a better mindset than how she left. The front door opened, and Marie stared at her mom. Her eyes were heavy with tears and it became apparent to Marie that Marco had called at some point and given Carol the lowdown about the real reason for her daughter’s visit.

As if the guilt she felt for breaking Marco’s heart wasn’t enough, there was a whole new level of it as she looked at her mom who was emotional over the life of her second grandchild. Marie stepped inside and found Kirk dashing up the stairs to be out of their way. That’s when Marie realized this was going to get rough. If Kirk didn’t even want to be around it, chances were it’d turn into a screaming or crying match.

Marie crawled onto the couch, burrowing back into the corner of the L-shaped couch. Carol followed suit, and sat on the end of the couch, seemingly trying to figure out the ways in which her daughter’s mind worked.

“Let’s not dance around the reason you’re here. You’ve got a little girl to get home to,” Carol rubbed her hands over her pants, trying to distract herself at least a little bit.

“Seems like you know why I’m here,”

“I’m not here to pass judgment on you. I just want to help you enough so when you get back to Minnesota, you can be the person you used to be; healthy, moderately happy, functional…”

“I really am trying,”

“Everything happens for a reason, Marie. After your sister was born and your father and I decided to have another child,” Carol hesitated as the breath caught in her throat. “I got pregnant, and four months in… had a miscarriage. So I know your guilt. I know you feel responsible for everything in this world. I know you can’t see yourself ever getting over this. But trust me, that one day… that one decision, doesn’t define your life. It was one thing in a sea of a billion things. Marco doesn’t hold it against you. Not anymore, at least. Allow yourself to appreciate life again. You’re not just hurting yourself anymore. And the only person affected isn’t just Marco, either. There’s two people now who depend on you for everything, and mostly you’re hurting them.”

She didn’t know if it was because it was such tough love, or because she didn’t have any more tears to give, but Marie didn’t cry. “I know you’re right. That’s why I’m here. I needed someone to tell me that I’m allowed to enjoy things again. Marco can say it over and over again, but he doesn’t really know. He’s not a mom. It’s different,”

Carol nodded and ran her hands through her hair. “No man can ever know what it’s like to love as a mother. They just can’t. It’s different. And women can’t ever know what it’s like to love like a father. But you can’t blame him for trying to figure it out. He’s watching the woman he loves become a shell of herself. He sees this killing you and doesn’t know how to make it better. And for a man, who sees himself as your protector and provider, that’s the worst thing in the world.”

Notes

"Every Breath You Take" by The Police.

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