Focus

I made it to work the next day, and the next, but I was barely functional, hardly recognizable as a human being. Roman called me several times a day, asking me if I had talked to James, even though I knew he already knew I hadn’t. He also showed up at my apartment, under the guise of talking, but really I think he just wanted to make sure I was eating. Since I had no appetite, I found his force feeding fairly annoying, but he seemed so happy when I finally gave in, it was hard to stay mad at him for too long.

I didn’t call James; I tried not to even think about him. I knew Roman had been right, I should have told him and not telling him was pretty damn selfish. On the other hand, I stood by my feelings that he was a fucking asshole who could have spared at least a single thought about my emotional well-being before yelling at me about the situation.

It was a mess, but at least after a few days I had stopped crying about it. The Preds were only home for a one game home stand before heading back out on the road. I thought seriously about letting them go, giving James and me both a chance to spent some time apart and think about this.

Yet…for some reason, I’m unable to explain why, on Thursday I found myself calling in sick to work and sitting in the stands, watching the Preds’ open practice. I immediately regretted going. I had prepared myself to see James laughing, joking around with his teammates. That would have fueled my anger, justified it in my mind, allowed me to keep my distance. Instead, he was morose, sulking around, missing passes, being easily blocked by Rinne, and then breaking his stick across the bench in frustration.

Eventually, Laviolette told him to go home, take the rest of the day off. They were leaving for their road trip that night and he told him to get his head on straight before then. Most heartbreaking of all was seeing the look of pity the other players gave him as he clobbered down the hall towards the locker room.

I left, having seen enough. I drove around for a while, I thought aimlessly, but after a little while I found myself parked in front of James’ house. So, I sat there, thinking about the dogs, seeing their little heads pop up in the window under the curtains as if they knew I was out there. I thought about James, the first night be brought me home, the nights and days we had spent together. I smiled thinking about the way he would tease me, about anything, how he hogged the hot water when we showered together, the fact that he would insist on driving me back to my apartment to pick stuff up before bring me back home again.

Home. That house had become like home. Or maybe it was James himself who had sheltered me.

When I heard a knocking on my window, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I turned to see James leaning down, looking into the car and for a moment I just stared at him. When he raised his eyebrows at me, I rolled the window down.

He mustered a sad smile. “Hi.”

I took a deep breath, feeling a heavy weight on my chest at seeing him so close, with nowhere to hide. “Yeah, hi. Sorry…I, uh, didn’t expect you home so soon.”

“Why aren’t you at work?”

“I took the day off, went to see the practice.”

He seemed almost angry now, as if I had gone to there to see him suffer. “Get what you wanted?”

I told him honestly. “No.”

He nodded, seeming to believe me. “The boys have been asking about you. I think they miss having you around.”

“I -” God, the tears were coming again. I hated my emotional state so very much at that moment. “I miss them, too.”

He stood up. “Come in, say hello if you want.”

Without waiting for an answer, he walked away and went inside his house. I hesitated, unsure if I should follow him or not. I did miss the dogs…ok, ok, and I missed him, too. But I didn’t know if I was ready to talk about this yet. Mostly because I really wanted to get through it without crying, but clearly I was still torn up about it at the time.

I sat there for another five minutes before I finally got out of the car. I had keys to the house, but didn’t feel right using them. When I went to knock, I saw the door was cracked opened and I felt something akin to joy at the idea that James had had so much faith in me following him that he had left the door ajar.

When I stepped in, Nixon and Snoop were on me like wildfire, jumping on my back as I squatted down to pet them, nuzzling their snouts against my legs, Snoop rolling on his back so I could rub his belly. Despite my inherent sadness, their silliness and love made me laugh. James stood near the stairs, watching with a blank look on his face.

I stood, meeting his eyes, trying to find the words to start. James didn’t wait. He was on me in less than a second, both hands gripping my face, body pressing me against the wall, his glare now a mixture of sadness and hope. Maybe a little love.

He didn’t kiss me, not yet. We only shared a long, intense moment during which nothing existed but the other’s eyes. Finally, he said, “I’m sorry. I’m a fucking asshole, but I am sorry.”

I fought back another round of tears, told him quietly. “Me too. I should have told you. I -”

“I’m done talking about it. I don’t care anymore because you’re here. Just tell me that you’re gonna stay.”

For the first time in days, I smiled genuinely. Telling him, “Well, I’ll need to go home for some clean clothes eventually, but -”

James didn’t smile, just pulled me closer. “Go home, get everything, move in with me. You’re here all the time anyway and I want that back, I want you here.”

He was right, and that was what I wanted too, eventually. But…still, I had to be rational. “We need to talk about this, James. I can’t just come back and move in with you like nothing happened.”

“What do you want me to say? What do you need to hear? I can’t breath without you, Syd. I’m a fucking mess. I need you. I need you back, I need you to stay. I’ll do whatever it takes, apologize a hundred times.”

I didn’t know what would make things right between us, but I did need to know something. “Just tell me what you told the press.”

“The truth. That I love you and only care about supporting you.”

“Is that the truth?”

“Sydney, yes, one hundred percent. I know the things I said to you…I don’t know why I reacted like that. I hate having my name in the papers and I hated that you were the reason it was there. I don’t want those fucking vultures to touch us, not what we have, it’s too good. I’m telling you now that I was wrong. I know it wasn’t your fault and I’m sorry for what I said. Tell me what you need, baby, and I’ll give it to you.”

“Will you…just listen? Will you let me tell you what happened?”

“Yes, yes, please.”

I took a breath and told him. “My brother was a boxer and so was Kev, Kevin, the guy, my boyfriend?” James nodded. I continued, “My brother had this rule, no one touches me. Just…you have to understand that’s how they are, the guys in Boston. One of them says hands off and the other guys take it as a challenge. Kev and I hooked up at a party, started seeing each other pretty regularly after that. No one was supposed to know, it wasn’t supposed to…Anyway, one day I got in fight with my brother and I just…told him, about me and Kev. I wanted to hurt him, piss him off, I don’t even know. He left, went to the gym, dragged Kev outside and beat him unconscious. He was drunk, that’s not an excuse, but he didn’t know when to stop. He just kept hitting him. Kev was in a coma for a few months and then he…died. And my brother went to prison for it.”

“Syd…I’m so sorry that happened to you. I should have -”

“It’s ok. I…it was really hard to deal with when it happened, but I’ve been trying to move on. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It’s just that everyone who's found out blames me, says it was my fault since I told my brother about me and Kev. You…I care about you, James, I love you. I didn’t want you to look at me the way they do in Boston. I didn’t tell you because I was scared you wouldn’t want me anymore. I know you’re sorry, but so am I. I should have told you, but I wanted to start over.”

“Syd, look at me.” I raised my eyes to his and he told me, “I love you and there is nothing you can say that would make me change my mind about that. We’re a team, you and me, and Nixon and Snoop. Whatever happens, we’re gonna be here for each other. That’s how this is gonna work, ok?”

“Yeah…yeah, ok.”

James kissed me then, softly, slowly, so sweetly I felt my heart liable to burst. I moaned quietly under his mouth and at hearing the sound James pressed himself more firmly against my body, now working his mouth along my jaw.

“Tell me you forgive me, Syd, please.”

“I forgive you. Do you forgive me?”

“Yes, I forgive you.”

I clung to his waist, pulling him even closer, breathing him in. “God, I missed you. Less than a week and I felt so empty without you.”

“I’ll fill you up again, baby. Just let me.”

I tried not to laugh, but it didn’t work. “You always do, James. Take me to bed.”

He thrust his hips against me, but just pulled back to look at me. “Are you gonna move in with me?”

Without hesitation I told him, “Yes.”

“Then yeah, I’ll take you to our bed.”

Oh, yes, that had a good ring to it. “Yeah, our bed.”

We made it up the stairs, stumbling, kissing, touching until my knees hit the edge of the mattress and I found myself on my back, James crawling over me, nudging me along.

His tongue stroked between my lips slowly and I met it with gusto, remembering the taste of him all over again. His body was firm and heavy on top of mine, his masculine scent clouding my thoughts. He must not have showered after practice because his skin was clamming under my palms as they worked across his chest after he shed his shirt.

His beard was getting longer and before he came down to kiss me again, I ran my fingers through it, caressing the course hair and his strong jaw. “Never shave this off.”

He smiled under my palms. “Coming in nice, eh?”

“Very nice. The longer this ginger beard gets the more I love you I think.”

“Then I’m definitely never shaving it.”

“Good. Kiss me again. It’s been too long.”

His lips returns to mine just as his hands skimmed my waist, pushing my shirt up until we broke the kiss again so he could yank it off. Arms wrapped around my torso, he worked my bra off as I came up on my elbows, nibbling his neck and throat. When he let out a groan, I felt it against my lips.

“Syd…” He was frantic now, standing up to pull his jeans down and off before he grabbed mine and ripped them down my legs, tossing them aside. He made short work of my panties and before I could think twice, his beard was on my thighs, rubbing, burning. His tongue hit my aching pussy and I jerked my hips up to meet his mouth.

“Fuck, James.”

He only hummed against me, licked deep within my folds, held my hips down. I didn’t last long, I had missed him, missed this, missed us. When he made a few quick passes over my clit my body cried out for him and I shouted his name as I came.

Still trying to regain my composure, James came up and thrust roughly inside me. “Ugh, Sydney.”

“I know, babe, so good. Fuck me, James.”

He laughed against my ear. “Don’t have to tell me twice.” He came up with his palms pressing into the bed, his torso not touching mine except where our hips met. He drove deep, circled his waist, drawing tiny circles with his actions.

I clutched his forearms, felt them flex under my touch. I clenched around him as he went deeper, squeezing him against my g-spot as his circling, driving hips forced his cock to massage every inch of my walls.

“Tell me, Syd.”

I smiled up at him, breathless. “I love you.”

He came down to kiss me, sloppy, messy, kisses with more air than tongue as our months panted against each others. His forceful thrusts pushed me toward the edge again and shook the bed, which squeaked in protest underneath us.

I spread my legs wider, thrust up to meet him, dragged my nails down his biceps. “James…”

“Yeah, I’m almost there, baby.”

“Don’t stop. Faster…please.”

He sped up, pulling back until his cock almost slipped out and then thrusting back between my legs in short, rapid fire bursts until I felt him shudder inside me and I released again along with him.

I felt his arm slid under my neck and pull my head to his chest. His rapid heartbeat drummed in my ear as I snuggled closer. When he could speak again he told me, “You know we leave tonight.”

“I know. I thought about waiting until you got back, but I’m glad I ended up here.”

He kissed the top of my head tenderly. “Me too.” He paused and then said, “I am so sorry.”

I sat up to look at him. “You don’t need to apologize every hour. I already forgave you.”

“I know. It’s just now I know what it would feel like to lose you. And I can’t do that again. You mean too much to me, Syd.”

I bent to kiss his chest. “Same here.”

“Good.” He sat up now, too, kissing my neck just once. “I wish I could stay like this, but I gotta shower and pack.”

“You shower, I’ll pack you a bag.”

He chuckled. “Do you even know what I need?”

“Suits for going to the arena, t-shirts and jeans for down time, sweatpants and hoodies for working out.”

“Impressive, but you forgot hats.”

Dammit. “Oh, yeah, hats. I got you, babe. Shower.”

Two minutes into his shower, while I was buried in James’ closet, I heard the doorbell ring. I threw on one of his jerseys that was handy and ran down the stairs. When Roman saw me standing there, he just started to laugh.

I joined him because, well, it was pretty ridiculous. “Hey, Jos.”

“Hey, Sydie. I was, uh, I just stopped by to check on Nealer. Seems like I wasted a trip, eh?”

I smiled wide. “Yeah, he’s fine. We’re ok.”

“Good. I’ll leave you to it.” He kissed my cheek and laughed again as he turned to walk away. He shouted over his shoulder, “I’m glad you listened to me.”

I said quietly, more to myself than to him, "Yeah, me too.”

Notes

I was so mad at myself for making them fight when all I want is for them to fuck, so when I tried to fix them, I hated everything I wrote. This is, honestly and literally, about the 20th version of this chapter and I still don't like it. BUT, I'm leaving it as it is and moving on because now I need playoff sex with them. If anyone besides Crosbyfan87 still even likes this, bless you for sticking it out. I promise to update more regularly beause I really love them together. <3