All Hands on Deck

The best laid schemes of mice and men often go awry, and this was certainly true of Sidney and Tessa,with extenuating circumstances turning their two weeks into a month. The day she was planning to drive to Pittsburgh to see him, her dad happened to come to town, so that was cancelled. Sidney was going to come to Philadelphia few days later, but since the end of the season was coming upon them, Coach decided to schedule a video session that day, mandatory even for the Captain.

By the time the last game of the season was played, however, at least one good thing came out of everything: the Flyers were going to face the Pens in the first round of the playoffs and that meant Sidney was coming to Philadelphia is a few days.

“Are you gonna make it that long?”

“I fucking hope so, Sid. When are you coming in?”

“Team is going to be in on Wednesday, but I’ll come on Tuesday.”

“Ugh, bless you.”

He chuckled in her ear. “My pleasure. I’ll see you in two days. Make sure Ryan’s gone.”

“Oh, she will be, or she can suffer the consequences.”

They hung up and Tessa went down stairs. It was still early in the morning and there was nothing going on today. After breakfast, Tessa thought she might go a walk and enjoy the absolutely gorgeous weather they were having. Although, when she hit the kitchen and screamed bloody murder, she had second thoughts about giving her heart anymore of a workout that day.

“Sorry, sorry…I, uh…”

“Jesus fucking Christ, Raffl. What -”

“Ryan -”

“Yeah, ok, wow.” Michael was blushing so hard Tessa thought he might explode from the heat of his skin. “Don’t worry about it.”

“This is awkward, I’m sorry.”

Tessa waved him off and went to the cabinet to find her tea and mug. “We’re all adults, Raff. You’re free to enjoy yourself with whoever you want. Though I feel I should warn you, Ryan has a notoriously short attention span when it comes to men.” They both fussed in the kitchen in a stiff silence for a while, Tessa making tea and Raffl making coffee. “So…can I ask, how did this happen?”

Michael smiled and shrugged. “She messaged me on Twitter.”

“Of course…well, good luck.”

Later, after Raffl left, Tessa stood in Ryan’s doorway, judging her.

“What? Oh, fuck off, like you’re the only one who deserves great hockey player sex.”

“You tweeted him a booty call?”

“Hey! You fucking slut, I tweeted him some encouraging words before their last game. He was the one who went sliding into my DMs looking for sex.”

“Unbelieveable.”

Ryan gave her a self-satisfied smile. “You know me.”

Tessa sat on the edge of the bed while Ryan was in her closet getting dressed. “And how was he?”

“Holy shit, Austrian know what’s up, let me tell you. Hot fucking DAMN.”

Tessa laughed and got down to the business that brought her there in the first place. “So, Crosby’s coming in on Tuesday. Do you mind…you know…”

“Leaving my own home so you can get laid? I don’t mind. I’m sure Raffl has room at his place.”

Tessa got up and hugged Ryan from behind. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Whatever. Are you finally gonna tell that idiot that you love him?”

Tessa felt like she was glowing when she answered, “Yes, I’m gonna tell him.”
Ryan patted Tessa’s forearm that was still clutching her across the chest. “Good, baby, I’m glad.”

The two days actually went by too quickly for Tessa. She wanted everything to be perfect when he came over and she finally got to tell him. She spent way too much time picking out an outfit and since she hated everything, she went shopping with Ryan, hating everything she tried on.

Tessa was in a dressing room and Ryan was sitting there unhappy when she said, “Who fucking cares what you’re wearing? He’s just gonna rip it off when you confess that you’re in love with him.”

Shouting through the door, Tessa answered, “I just want it to be perfect.”

“Ugh, fuck perfect, just be yourself. That’s the Tessa he loves anyway.”

She pulled open the door to see Ryan’s face. “He loves me, right? He has to. But what if he doesn’t? What if he’s just like ‘oh, ok, thanks’ and then leaves?”

“Babe, you really think that’s likely to happen?”

“Ugh, I don’t know! I’m so nervous.”

Ryan got up, grabbing Tessa’s face in her hands. “Listen to me. He loves you, he must to put up with you.”

“Thank you, I think.”

“Just…wear something simple. Jeans, a t-shirt, or your Pens jersey he had made for you? That’s who you are, not maxi dresses and heels. Be yourself, tell him how you feel. Nothing can go wrong if you do that, ok?”

Tessa let out a deep breath. “You’re right, you’re right. Of course you’re right.”

“Thank fuck. Let’s get outta here and go get a pretzel.”

The next day, the day, Tuesday, and Sidney was on his way to Philadelphia. Tessa was up early, cleaning the house and then planning dinner. She wanted to cook for him not only because going out was impossible, but also because she wanted to show him how much he meant to her. Nothing says love like good food.

As she put the lasagna together, chopped veggies for a salad, and sliced bread, she thought about what their life together would be like after this. Much of the same, really, at least she hoped nothing dramatic would change. It would be hard, no question, because they would still have to hide, they would still have to lie, but it would be worth it. It had to be worth it.

By the time Sidney showed up, dinner was almost ready. She met him at the door in the outfit that was true to her, jeans and the Pens jersey with her name on the back.

Sidney tugged the ends of it when he come in to kiss her. “Cute. Not as cute as mine, but cute.”

Tessa just wrapped him up in her arms and kissed him harder. He started to pull at her clothes immediately, but she stopped him.

“Hang on. I made dinner.”

“You what?”

“I cooked. I thought we could eat first. You hungry?”

His smile said he was joking, but his tone was serious. “I’m hungry for you, Tess.”

He grabbed her sides, making her laugh and she accepted his kiss on her lips. “You’ve waited this long. Come on, sit down.”

She got him settled at the table and working on getting everything laid out. Sidney watched with amusement at first. “You need help, darling?”

“Nope, you just sit there and look pretty.” She stole a kiss before going to the fridge to get a bottle of wine.

Sidney watched her and the realization of his feelings hit him hard and fast. He wanted this, a life with her. He had thought about taking Tessa home to Nova Scotia a million times. He had imagined her at family dinners and beach trips. But none of those thoughts and wishes could have prepared him for the joy that he felt in his heart at seeing her be so domestic like this. This was real, this was how it could be, but would never be.

And that’s when he knew he could never this life with Tessa, a real, full life with her. Shared houses and fights about who’s turn it is to take out the trash. He wanted her nagging him about leaving the toilet seat up and letting his dirty clothes pile up on the floor. He wanted Christmas morning with her, New Year’s kisses, cheesy Valentine’s Days gifts, and endless summers at his lake house. He wanted the simple things too, to hold to her hand as they walked the streets of Philadelphia or Pittsburgh, to take her to his favorite restaurants, to explore cities together. He wanted so much more, he wanted everything with her.

“Tessa, I have to tell you something.”

He had a strange look on his face and for a moment Tessa thought he was angry at her for making him wait to get her naked. She put the wine down on the counter and faced him. “What’s up?” Sidney stood up, stared at her for a moment as he leaned his hand on the back of a kitchen chair. Tessa asked him, “You alright?”

He continued to survey her for several more seconds before he said quite abruptly, as if he himself were shocked that the words were coming out of his mouth, “I love you.”

Her heart soared, nearly out of her chest at hearing those words. My God, how she loved him, how she had for weeks. And he was saying it first! She wanted to run to him, wrap her arms around his shoulders and kiss him senseless, say the words back to him until her throat burned and the world crumbled around them. But his serious look and frigid posture kept her feet grounded.

“Why do I get the feeling there’s a massive ‘but’ coming?”

His voice was rife with pain. “Because there is. I love you and that’s why this needs to end. Because I can’t love you like this, if it’s something I have to hide and be afraid of it hurting you. If I can’t love you in the light…I just can’t do that, not to you, and not to me.”

“Sidney…I-”

“And, I’m sorry, I can’t ask you to give up everything for me, for this. Because what you told me is still true, I’m not worth it, not worth your career, everything else you’ve worked so hard for. You deserve better. It’s taken me all these months to admit it, but I’m no good for you, Tess. And I…I never thought that realizing that I love you would be the thing that pushed me over the edge, but it is. And I do love you, so fucking much, but that means I have to do what’s best for you, even if it breaks my heart.”

Tessa was speechless for a moment, unable to believe that Sidney was telling her loved her and breaking things off in the same breath. She managed to mutter, “What about my heart? You’re okay with breaking that as well?”

No, he really wasn’t, but what else could he do? “I don’t want to do this, but it’s the way it has to be.”

She was suddenly angry at his arrogance. “And I don’t get to have a say? Sounds like you just decided for the both of us.”

Sidney’s voice was soft, breaking with heartache and he was unable to meet her gaze. “There’s nothing you can say to change my mind. No matter what you want, I can’t be the selfish asshole who ruins your life. And the thing is, I’ve never wanted anyone to know about my personal life, until now. Because I love you so much that I feel like I want to shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone that you’re mine. Finally finding someone I want to tell the world about and not being able to…it would destroy me.”

Tessa nodded and when she did she felt a tear rolled down her cheek. She quickly brushed it away, meeting his eyes that now raised to survey her. “So, you love me, but you’re giving up? Letting me go like I mean nothing? And we can’t even have a discussion about it?”

“Tess…please don’t say that. You’re everything to me. Letting go doesn’t always mean you’re giving up. Sometimes it’s about accepting that there are some things that just can’t be.” He came forward, took her in his arms now, one hand on her back to pull her close, the other caressing her cheek, feeling the wetness now freely flowing from eyes and nearly letting out a sob himself. He swallowed hard and told her, “You told me that this was never gonna last…you knew. It couldn’t, it can’t, not like this when we have to hide.”

Tessa broke away from him with a hand on his chest, she had to otherwise she wasn’t sure what she was going to. She felt torn between lashing out in self-righteous anger and falling to her knees, begging him to say to that he was wrong, that they could make it work, somehow, some way, that she was worth it to him. She knew there was no right answer, but she irrationally wanted him to provide them with a solution that didn’t involve an ending. Instead, she just relented, feeling powerless.

When she didn’t move or speak, Sidney reached for her, but she jerked her body away. That was worse than anything he had ever felt in his entire life. “Tess -”

“Go.”

“Baby…”

“If you’re not going to stay…with me…then you need to go, Sid.” She looked up now, meeting his eyes with a sadness so intense he thought it might die from the sight of it. She repeated herself quietly, “Just…please, go.”

Tessa’s vision blurred with tears as she looked back at the ground. She heard him walk away and close the door quietly, saying nothing more to her. She held back a sob and then wondered, why bother? She let it out and it left her feeling weak. She let her legs fold as she sunk down onto the floor, eventually curling up in the fetal position.

When Ryan came home with Raffl the next morning, that was where she found Tessa. Their dinner on the table, untouched, the salad wilted, lasagna congealed. She was so lying still that Ryan almost thought she was dead or hurt when she rushed over.

“Sweetie, what the hell happened?. Have you been here all night? Are you okay?”

There was a pool of fresh tears on the floor, some of which stuck to Tessa’s cheek as she pulled her face off the tile, struggling to sit up. Ryan helped her and Raffl stood there feeling helpless. Irrationally, Tessa started to laugh. “No, I’m not okay at all. Everything is terrible and I just want to fucking die, Ry.”

“Oh, babe…”

Tessa choked out another laugh when she finally saw Raffl. “Shit. What time is it? I’ve got to get to work.”

Raffl came down into a squat and put his hand on her shoulder gently. “Hey, I think you need to stay here, with Ryan. I’ll talk to Don. You won’t get into trouble.”

At the sweet gesture, Tessa started to cry again. “You’re a good guy, Raff. I bet you’d never tell a woman you love her and then break up with her in the next breath.”

Ryan was indignant now. “He what?!”

Tessa struggled to her feet. Her anger at the situation now mounting as she was faced with telling Ryan. “Yeah, oh, hell yeah. Apparently because he can’t broadcast our relationship to everyone it’s suddenly worthless. I’m worthless, as in worth nothing.”

She stumbled when she tried to walk, every muscle in her body sore and useless. When Ryan reached out to help her, Tessa pulled her arm back from her grasp. “I’m fine, okay!? Fucking great.” She pointed at Raffl. “You see Sidney Crosby today, you tell him I said he’s a fucking asshole.”

Ryan and Michael’s eyes both went wide and Ryan stammered, “Ignore her, she doesn’t know what she’s saying, this has nothing to do with Crosby. She’s just pissed.”

Tessa was pissed and now even more so. She was angry and hopeless and she didn’t care who knew or what happened, to her or anyone. “Hey, fuck you, Ryan. I know what the hell I’m saying. I’m serious, Raff, tell him he’s a classless son of a bitch and that I hope he never wins another Cup.”

She pushed them both of her way as she made her way towards the stairs. Michael and Ryan watched her shuffle along until the door above them slammed shut. Ryan looked up at Michael, just as angry as Tessa had been, and poked him in the chest. “Not one fucking word about this to anyone, you hear me? Because if someone finds out -”

“Ryan, I would never. I know what would happen. I don’t want to see her hurt anymore than she already is.”

Ryan softened and patted his cheek. “Tessa’s right. You’re a good guy, Raff.”

Michael left and Ryan went upstairs, finding Tessa in bed, crying again. She tried to wipe away the tears when Ryan came in, but it was no use. Ryan said nothing at first, just crawled into bed with her, spoon up against her back and wrapping her arms around her. This only made Tessa cry even more. As much as she had tried to use anger to mask her sadness, it only worked for so long. She was utterly and completely heartbroken and there was no way to hide that.

They lay like that together for a long time, no words necessary. Tessa cried until she felt like there was nothing left, and then, somehow, she cried some more. When she would let out a sob, Ryan would squeeze her just a little, just to let her know she was there.

A while later, maybe hours, Ryan finally said, “He’s not worth it. Not if this is how he’s going to act. You have to know that.”

“But he is…he’s so great.”

“Fuck him. You don't have to defend him anymore.”

Tessa rolled over to face Ryan, rubbing her wet cheek on the pillow. “He’s right, though. I know why he did it. Can you imagine trying to make a life with someone when it has to be kept a secret? I was stupid to think it could work, to even want to try. I should have walked away from him after that first night. Chalked it up as an incredible one night stand. At least then I’d be able to look back on him fondly. Now…” She couldn’t go on, but more tears came.

“One day it’s not going to hurt like this, I swear to you, it won’t.”

“How can you say that? I feel like I’m never going to smile again. Like I’ll never be happy. Like I’ll never truly understand how he could leave so easily if he really loved me.”

“Listen to me, Contessa Higgins. You are so much more than this, than him. I know it hurts, but you know what someone once told me? Sometimes people have to walk away from something because it’s too beautiful and they’re not ready to let go of all the bullshit and just be happy.”

Another sob came from Tessa’s throat. “Yeah, I told you that.”

“Smart girl. That’s why he walked away. What you guys had was too beautiful, too good that it scared the shit out of him. You weren’t wrong to hope, to believe that you could make it work, because you could make it work if he had wanted it to. I know, I know, I gave you a hard time, but you know that’s just my way, right?”

“I know that.”

“You’re gonna love again. And it’s gonna be with someone who deserve you, who isn’t afraid of things being hard. Someone who’s a fucking Flyers fan for God’s sake!”

Tessa managed a half smile and that was good enough for Ryan. “I hope you’re right. Because right now it feels like my one shot at happiness just left me crying on the kitchen floor.”

“Don’t give him that much power over you. I know you feel let down and betrayed, but like I said, you are so much more than him, than your relationship. You’re gonna be ok. You’re home, you’re here with me, in Philly, with people who love you. We’re gonna take care of you, okay?”

Tessa wanted to believe that, that her life had meaning and value beyond her relationship with Sidney. It was just so damn hard to think that positively right now. She didn’t want to argue about it, though, so she just nodded and told Ryan, “Okay.”

Notes

Sorry (?) for bombing you with chapters this week, but I've had the flu and have done nothing for the past three days but lie in bed and work on this...