Back in Pittsburgh I get a cab to take me to Carl’s place. I knock on the door and he answers the door in sweatpants and no shirt.

“Do you always answer the door half naked?” I ask, dragging my luggage in.

“I didn’t know I was having company. Oh congrats by the way. What are you doing here?” he asks confused.

“I found a roommate for you,” I say excitedly.

“What? Who?”

“Natalia Eriksson.”

“You’re kidding. No way.” He says, shaking his head.

“What why not? You used to like her before.”

“Yeah when I was thirteen. Now she’s like this high maintenance Barbie.”

“You’re hardly ever here anyway. Plus it’s only temporary. Please do this for me,” I say sticking my bottom lip out.

“Ugh fine. But if she’s too much, she’s staying with you.”

“K deal. Thanks bro!” I make him drive me back to Sidney’s where I see Geno’s car out front.

“Hey I’m home!” I call out and I hear them coming up from the basement.

“There she is!” Sidney says, picking me and spinning me around. He kisses me deeply and Geno clears his throat. I pull away smiling and go over and hug Geno. “Medals?” he asks. I take out the two medals and hand them to him.

“You don’t look very happy,” Sidney says, noticing me eyeing up the medals.

“I just wanted gold in slopestyle that’s all,” I say shrugging.

“I’m so proud. You did great considering how hard it was snowing,” Sidney says, putting his arm around me. If I made Sidney proud, that’s all that mattered. Geno told us he had to go pick up and Anna and left. Exhausted I went to the living room and threw myself down on the couch. Sidney sits down and puts my head in his lap.

“There’s an article on us in the paper,” he says stroking my hair.

“What does it say?”

“It’s about our engagement and how we’re both gearing up for the Olympics. Question, which hockey team are you cheering for?” he asks seriously.

“I have a feeling Canada’s going to win, but I still have to cheer for my boys in yellow.”

“Interesting. Is your family going to Sochi? ”

“Bobby and my dad probably will. My mother will make up some work crisis excuse not to go.” I say casually.

“Well I can’t wait to watch you in person for the first time.” I look up at him and smile.

“It’ll be so cool having each other both there,” I say smiling. I turn on the TV and we watch some reptile show. He continues running his fingers through my hair and I close my eyes, letting sleep fall over me.

---

“Phoenix!” Natalia screams in the airport. For winter in Pittsburgh she sure wasn’t dressed for it. She wore a tight orange dress with a thin trench coat over top and 6-inch loubouton heels. I hug her and smile.

“You look fantastic,” I tell her.

“You’re too kind. The flight was 5 hours but I was in first class so it wasn’t terrible. I didn’t realize how dreary this city is,” she says looking outside.

“You’re going from sand and sun to snow and wind,” I tell her laughing. We get in my vehicle and make our way downtown. She tells me all about her lavish lifestyle in LA and all the celebrities she’s thrown events for. Natalia had always grown up wealthy and had lived off her parent’s money but it was interesting to see her making a living for herself.

“Let me see the ring,” she says giddily. I give her my hand and she gasps. “2.5 carat square cut halo ring with a rose gold band. Oh my god it’s amazing. I approve.”

“Thank god,” I say mockingly.

“So where we off to?” she asks, turning up the heat.

“My house, I have dinner waiting. Carl and Sidney will be there.”
I pull into the driveway and Natalia seems surprised.

“Wow Phoenix, I see marrying a pro athlete is paying off.” I roll my eyes. She starts walking towards the house and completely slips, landing right on her ass. Doing my best to keep from laughing, I hurry over to her and help her up. “Ow!” she exclaims. We walk through the front door and I can smell food cooking. I take her coat from her and we walk into the kitchen where Carl and Sidney are casually talking. They both look up and stop talking, both staring at Natalia. She was the obviously pretty type and she put a lot into her appearance and it certainly paid off. I clear my throat and they both snap out of their trance.

“Sidney this is Natalia, Natalia this is Sidney. And you already know Carl.” Sidney reaches out and shakes her hand.

“Wow you’re hot. Well done Phoenix.” She says eyeing up Sidney. Sidney blushes and all I can do is shake my head. “You too Carl. You’ve aged well. Last time I saw you, you were just Phoenix’s scrawny lame brother.”

“Thanks?” Carl says, unsure of the compliment. We head to the dining room and begin eating. Me and Natalia take this time to catch up and reminisce.

“Remember that one summer when we were at that one music festival and I totally found you backstage with the drummer of that band.” I turn bright red and see Sidney look at me out of the corner of my eye.
“Man Sidney, before your little fiancé was a serious athlete she was the biggest party girl of the century. You got mono how many times growing up because you were always making out with not just guys but girls as well. I’m surprised you’re settling down so young,” she says laughing.

“I almost forgot about those days. Do you remember that one time in New York where we all went out with team and Nix was grinding with McDonaugh and you were grinding with Krieder and they thought they were going to get with you guys so you two just started making out,” Carl starts laughing.

“That was always how we got away from guys. I always told them Phoenix was my girlfriend. Phoenix did end up breaking your rule that night though. Natalia says to Carl, sipping her wine.

“Oh my god,” I say putting my head in my hands. This dinner was supposed to end any awkwardness between Natalia and Carl. Now they were ganging up on me and revealing every little secret about me. I look over at Sidney and he’s just staring at his beer.

“What do you mean?” Carl asks her. Please don’t tell him, I silently plead. Natalia looks at me and she’s realized what she’s done.

“Shit. I’m sorry. I thought he knew.”

“You slept with McDonough?!” Carl yells, shocked. I look at Sidney and he’s looking at me expectantly.

“It was one time,” I say, playing with my cast.

“So you broke the cardinal rule and then lied to me about?” he asks shocked.

“Relax Carl. It didn’t affect you in anyway. You’re overreacting. And Natalia you were just as bad as I was let’s not kid ourselves. Only difference is none of the guys I screwed were married.” I say huffing and the table falls silent. “Well this was fun,” I say getting up. I leave the kitchen and go upstairs.

I’m in the middle of unpacking when Sidney comes into the bedroom.
“Great. Now it’s your turn to overreact,” I say irritated.

“Why wouldn’t you tell me you slept with him? A guy I play against on a regular basis. Are there others? Have you just fucked the whole league and not told anyone?” he spits out. I turn around shocked. I cannot believe he just said that.

“How dare you. It was before I fucking met you. You have this God like complex Sidney and that everything you do is perfect. And that since the rest of us are human and we all make mistakes we’re somehow beneath you.” I say angrily. I head downstairs and put on my coat.

“That’s not true and you know it. I’m here, fighting for us constantly and you never just let me all the way in. Like right now Phoenix. You find any kind of reason to just pick up and run.” He says irritably.

“Then look at me and tell me I’m not just this self-destructive slut.”

“Phoenix this is insane. What do you want me to say? I love you? Because somehow that isn’t enough for you.”

“I love you for everything that you are Sidney. The best parts of you and even the worst parts of you because they make you who you are. You put this stupid ring on my finger and you say you want a life with me but you can’t handle everything that comes with it. You wonder why I don’t open myself up completely to you but do you see why. You learn one little thing about my past and it blows up into this. You’re the one who needs to evaluate if they really want this. I’m not pulling away Sidney, I am holding on as tight as I can but I need you to figure out if you can do this or not.” I say, crying. I push past him and head out the door. I drive around for a good hour until I drive to Carl’s. Natalia and Carl are the last people I want to see but I have nowhere else to go. I head upstairs and walk through the door to find them watching TV.

“Nix what are you doing here?” Carl asks concerned. I feel numb so I just go and sit between them on the couch.

“Phoenix, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have brought that stuff up,” Natalia says sadly.

“It’s fine. We had other issues we needed to deal with. I don’t even know if I’m still engaged.” I say, my voice lifeless. I put my head on Carl’s shoulder and focus on the TV.

“I’m sorry I got mad. I don’t really care that you slept with McDonough.” Carl says solemnly. I pat his arm to say I accept his apology. We watch late night SportsCenter and I go over mine and Sidney’s fight over and over. I didn’t want to break up with him. I hoped to God that we weren’t broken up, I just needed him to face the truth. I wake up to hushed voices. I look around and see I’m on the couch.

“Good afternoon,” Carl says from the kitchen.

“What time is it?” I ask groggily.

“1:00. Time for us to go to lunch,” Natalia says, her voice loud.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Nonsense. Carl says there’s a great place down the street. Plus you look like you could use some air.” I finally give in and we head to the restaurant. I feel tired and I could definitely use some clean clothes. I order and a coffee and Natalia gets a garden salad. Her outfit today is much more appropriate. She’s wearing high-heeled boots, jeans, and a fur-lined jacket.
“So what’s there to do for fun?” she says, pouring dressing on her salad.

“I usually go to the Penguins games when I’m here. There’s one tonight. We should go.” I say, sipping my coffee.

“You still want to go?” he asks, surprised.

“Yeah why not. You’ll get to see Carl play. Plus I have a lot of friends on the team.”

“But Carl said they’re playing New York?” Ironically enough New York was in town. I shrug my shoulders and she nods her and we silently finish our meal.

I wait until I know Sidney’s already left for the arena to quickly go home and take a shower and get ready. I drive me and Natalia to the arena and we sit in the stands with everybody else.
“I still don’t understand. So it’s not a touchdown?” Natalia asks, after James scores.

“It’s a goal,” I laugh. The penguins lead 2-1 after the first and I take a long sip of my beer.

“Carl’s fast,” she notices.

“He is,” I nod. I see Sidney and my heart hurts. During the second period, I notice Sidney and another player talking until two refs pull them apart.

“Oh my god,” I gasp.

“What?” she asks concerned.

“Sidney and Ryan are talking,” I point and her eyes go wide. “I wonder what they’re talking about?”

“You obviously,” she says rolling her eyes.

“They could be talking about anything,” I say defensively. The play continues and soon Crosby and McDonough are in a full-fledged fight.

“Still don’t think it’s about you?” she asks. I watch in shock as both players start throwing punches. The crowd goes wild and soon everyone is on their feet. I’m standing too, but I’m not clapping. The players fall to the ice and the refs separate them. I sit back down in shock.

“Man I wish I had two hot hockey players fighting over me,” she says, sipping her drink. The Rangers end up winning 4-2 and me and Natalia make our way down to my car.

“So what exactly is your game plan?” she asks on the way to Carl’s.

“I don’t have one yet.” I reply. We get back to Carl’s and watch TV. Carl comes in an hour later smiling from ear to ear.

“What are smiling about? I ask.

“You. Normally I’d be pissed about this but today it’s funny,” he replies.

“What are you talking about?”

“The Crosby McDonough fight tonight. McDonough made some comment about you to get under Crosby’s skin and it totally worked. Crosby flipped,’ he says laughing. I felt weird about the whole thing.

“I need to talk to him,” I say getting up. “If I come back with packed bags, that’s a bad sign.” I say leaving.
I put my key in the door and walk in. I can here the TV coming from the den and I walk downstairs and see him on the couch. I sit down beside him and turn so that I’m facing him.

“That was quite the game tonight,” I say quietly. He turns to face me and I can see a shiner forming under his right eye.

“You were at the game?” he asks. I nod and stare at my cast. We sit there quietly, with the sound of tonight’s highlights in the background.

“I can be selfish. I know that.” I finally say. “This whole being in love thing is scary. And I’m just scared that once the passion and excitement wears off, that all that’s going to be left are my flaws and baggage and that it’s going to be too much for you. I can’t promise that I won’t run when things get tough but I promise to always come back. This ring means everything to me. It means even through all the shit, we’re always going to be together, no matter what.” He looks at me and grabs my left hand.

“When I proposed I knew what I was getting into with you, but I still want to know you. Good and bad. I promise you I can deal with anything you throw at me, you just have to let me try” I swallow and nod.
I told him everything from how I used to party and sleep with my brother’s teammates back in Sweden. I told him about my emotionally abusive relationship with Shaun and I told him about the time I was hospitalized for a depressive episode. He sat there and I listened while I poured every ounce of my soul out. I even told him positive memories of when I got my first medal snowboarding. I told him about the days when me and my mom used to get along and I told him about how scary it was to move across the world. Two hours later after I felt I had told him about all the major events in my life, I dragged him our bedroom where I undressed and made love to him. I was both physically and emotionally naked to him and I had never felt more connected to him.

Notes

I wish Crosby and McDonough would fight over me. Wouldn't that be the dream haha