Stockholm Syndrome

I was in Stockholm a few weeks later, getting ready for a famous talk show in Sweden called Skavlan. I wore a blue dress with black heels. I had been so accustomed to being around English speakers it took awhile to adjust hearing my native tongue all the time. Fredrik introduces me and I walk on stage and sit down.

“Phoenix welcome! Wow so you won only a couple of weeks ago. How are you feeling? Are you still in shock or has it set in yet?” he asks.

“Just doing so many interviews and talking about it all the time it’s kind of setting in, but I don’t think it’ll ever completely set in, if that makes sense?” I say smiling.

“So you had a lot of family in Sochi. Your brother played hockey and your fiancé also played hockey,” The crowd starts booing. “Yeah yeah she’s engaged, like you guys had a chance,” Fredrik laughs.

“Yeah my fiancé plays hockey for Team Canada,” I reply. The crowd starts to boo again.

“The wounds are still fresh obviously. To those of you watching, if you’re not a hockey fan, Team Sweden lost to Team Canada in the gold medal game in Sochi. Who did you cheer for?”

“I cheered for Sweden obviously.” The crowd finally cheered. “It’s my country and I support it completely. I’m happy they were able to grab silver.” A picture of me cheering in my Hagelin jersey shows up on the screen.

“How was your brother after the loss?”

“He was bummed of course. But he was happy they medalled. There’s always 2018.”

“So you’re currently the best female snowboarder in the world. It’s a fact. What’s next for you?” he asks.

“Hopefully to be the best snowboarder in the world.”

“Wow that’s pretty ambitious.” I remind myself not to roll my eyes. Double standards in sports were hard. If you’re a male, you immediately got to compete against other males to be the best. Even if I had the tricks I couldn’t see the USASA letting a woman compete in the men’s competition.

“You know Fredrik I’m all about challenging and pushing myself to the next level. I don’t like putting limitations on myself.” I say simply. Getting the stiff vibe I’m giving him he dives into my bathroom story in Sochi. We finish the interview off and I meet my agent Elliott backstage.

“You were wonderful. I’m really digging the whole passive aggressive vibe you had going there,” he says smiling. I roll my eyes and head out to the car. I was happy to have Elliott with me this tour; he made it seem less lonely. I decide to call Sid to see how’s doing.

“Hey babe, long time no talk, how is everything?” he asks.

“Yeah I’m sorry. I’ve just been so busy I don’t even have time to sleep. Things are going well other than that,” I say, trying to sound convincing.

“Where are you?”

“I’m just leaving Stockholm, heading to Sodertalje.” I say hoping he doesn’t remember.

“Sodertalje? Like your hometown? Are you going to visit your family?”

“I wasn’t really planning on it. I already saw dad and Bobbie at the Olympics. I’m only here for a couple of days.”

“Phoenix it’s your family.”

“I don’t want to see her okay?” I huff angrily.

“She’s your mother. I’m sure she wants to see you. And you know what, don’t do it for her. Do it for your Dad. The dad who would do anything for you. He rarely gets to see his daughter,”

“Ugh Crosby you’re killing me. You and your stupid morals. Fine you win.”

“You’ll thank me later. I got to go babe, I got practice in the morning,”

“Shit I forgot about time zones. My bad. Night Sid I love you. Dream of me,” I say sweetly.

“You know I will.” I hang up the phone and I see that Elliott is smiling.

“Why are you smiling?” I snap.

“I just didn’t think you listened to anyone. Looks like I found your weak spot,” he says smiling. I shake my head and stay quiet for the rest of the drive.
I stand at the front door and everything is telling me to turn around and walk away. Just as I’m about to knock, the door opens and my Dad’s standing there with the trash.

“Phoenix! What are you doing here?!” he says dropping the trash and hugging me.

“I was in Stockholm, I thought I’d come by. Plus I have some hometown stuff I have to film.”

“I was hoping you’d stop by but I wasn’t sure. I know how crazy your schedule is. Bobby!” he calls upstairs. “You’re mother should be home from work soon. I’ll make dinner, make yourself at home kiddo.” He retreats to the kitchen and I look around. It had been years since I’d visited home. They had redone the walls and flooring. I walk upstairs and take a left and walk down the long hallway at the end. I walk into my old room and a feeling I can’t quite put a finger on falls over me. The walls were still painted black and trophies filled the shelves. Posters of DNA and cells filled the walls and the cat skeleton my mother had gotten for my thirteenth birthday remained in its glass case. One of my walls was a chalkboard and still had a perfectly labeled skeleton on it. I sit down by my bed in front of a bookshelf and pull out a journal.

“I wish I could forget that book,” Bobbie says startling me. He sits down beside me and looks down at the journal.

“I totally forgot about this. I wrote about every sexual experience I had with all of yours and Carl’s teammates.” I reply. I open the book and read aloud about how Niklas Nillson didn’t know what he was doing. Bobbie starts laughing uncontrollably and I can’t help but join.

“Man I remember you always being cooped up in here.”

“I was usually studying,” I say looking at all the science textbooks on the shelf.

“What’s wrong? I’m getting a sad vibe from you,” he asks.

“I don’t know it’s just this room. A lot of stuff is coming back to me.”

“Well I’ll give you a moment. I’ll be in my room if you need me.” He kisses the top of my head and leaves. I find another journal and it was all very sad. The Phoenix that wrote it sounded broken and lifeless. I put it back on the shelf not wanting to visit that part of me. I grab a silver tin and open it. It was filled to the brim of polaroid’s of me, Danny, Scotty, Jack, Kevin and Luke. We all look so young and carefree. I never had friends of my own until I met this group of guy’s snowboarding. I smile at all the crazy adventures we’ve been on and I pull out my phone and call Danny.

“Oh my goodness, it’s Phoenix Hagelin, Double Gold Medal winner calling!” Danny yells.

“Hey ya goof, how are you?” I ask.

“I’m good. Didn’t quite do as well as I wanted to in the Olympics but what can you do? You just gotta learn and grow. What about you? How are you?”

“I’m good. I’m just back home in Sweden, looking at old polaroid’s and reminiscing.”

“You and that polaroid camera. You had it everywhere we went. Remember when Jack broke yours and you almost cried? I’ve seen you break bones and you don’t shed a tear, but a camera is what you get emotional over.”

“He’s lucky he bought me a new one or we probably wouldn’t be friends.” I laugh.

“Why did you stop taking pictures?” he asks. I’m stumped by his question. I’m not sure why I stopped.

“I don’t know. I guess I got tired of it. I should probably go though; I just wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Well thanks for calling Phoenix. I miss talking to my best friend. See ya friend. Have fun in Sweden.”

“Thanks Danny, bye.” I hang up the phone. I continue looking through the photos and my breath hitches. I flip through pictures of Shaun and I find myself at peace with him for the first time in a long time. He didn’t have that piece of me anymore. I had won two medals without him and I had the most amazing man who loved me. Shaun was just this faded memory. I take the pictures of him and throw them in the trash bin. So long Shaun, I wish you nothing but the best.

I head downstairs and see that Bobbie is already at the table. I take my old seat and sit down. Just as we begin to eat, my mother walks in the door.
“You should have seen the surgery-“ she begins to say, but stops when she sees me. “Oh Phoenix, wow. I didn’t know you’d be here.” She says stoically,

“Yeah I just got here. Don’t worry I won’t be in town long,” I say, avoiding eye contact.

“Where are you staying? My dad asks.

“I was just going to get a room in Stockholm.” I reply.

“Nonsense. You’re staying here. We left your room just the way it is,” my dad says smiling. I felt bad saying no to my dad so I gave in.

“Okay well dig in. I made Renskavsgryta, you’re favorite.” It had been so long since I had Reindeer stew that I inhaled it.

“So your father told me you won. Congratulations.” I waited for her to say more but I knew that was it.

“Thanks.”

“So what’s your plan now? Are you retiring and finally going to medical school?” she asks.
“That was plan if I decided to retire. Just because I won doesn’t mean I’m done snowboarding,” I say bitterly.

“Phoenix let’s be realistic, athletes don’t win three consecutive Olympics. You want to be a virologist great! Go out and find a cure for a virus! You could have the answer in your head but you’ll never know because you’re wasting your time on that stupid board. You could be out there saving lives, instead you choose to be selfish and party all the time.” I have to take a few deep breaths to keep myself from exploding.

“Is that all you think I do? I compete and train really hard.”

“You’re a snowboarder honey, it’s not like you’re a gymnast or run track.”

“Mom stop,” Bobbie says angrily.

“Where do you get off telling me I’m not good enough? I won two medals so the rest of the world fucking thinks I’m good enough. You can be ashamed of me all you want just know that I am equally as ashamed to have you a mother.” I get up and walk out of the house and start walking down the street. It’s dark and I wish I had worn a warmer coat.

“Phoenix wait!” I hear Bobbie yell. I ignore him and continue walking. He catches up to me and pulls on my arm. “I’m sorry she’s like that, you didn’t deserve that.”

“I don’t care Bobbie. Honestly this is what I expected was going to happen. She’s made it clear I’m a disappointment. I just can’t be near her.”

“Where are you going to go?” he asks. I yank my arm from his grasp and continue walking down the dead street. I come across my old elementary school and I sit on the swings. I text Elliott and tell him to pick me up. My phone starts to ring and I see Sidney’s name on the screen. I debate on ignoring it but answer it anyway.

“Yeah?” I answer bitterly.

“Nix what’s wrong, where are you?” He could probably hear the wind on my side.

“I’m just sitting on a swing,” I say casually.

“Isn’t it night time there? Did you go to you parents?”

“Yes Sidney I went to my parents. That’s why I’m in the middle of nowhere, sitting out in the cold by myself.” I reply annoyed.

“What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it?”

“Was it your mom?”

“What mom? Oh you mean my biological mother? Yeah she’s dead to me,” I say harshly.

“Phoenix-“

“Look is there a reason you’re calling, because I’m kind of busy.”

“Well no. Can you just tell me when you’re somewhere safe?”

“I gotta go.” I hang up the phone and start swinging. I know I shouldn’t take it out on him but he would just try to be the mediator and that’s the last thing I need. I get so much height that I start forgetting the evening and I just take in the fresh air. Forty-five minutes later I see headlights and I recognize the rental car. I get off the swing and hop in the car.

“Sorry it took me so long, I took a wrong exit,” Elliott says apologetically. I sigh deeply and recline the seat. “It went that bad huh?”

“You have no idea.” I text Sidney and tell him that I’m fine and ask Elliott if we have anything important to do the next day.

“Just shooting a few things of you being in your hometown, nothing serious. Why?”

“So it’s okay if I’m hungover?” I ask.

“Yeah. There’s a bar in our hotel if you’re wondering.”

“Score.” I spend the rest of the drive fidgeting with the radio.

Notes

P.S. All my chapter titles are song lyrics so if your wondering what my taste in music is just look them up!