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Mibba

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Never Expected This

Chapter 19

The last couple of weeks have been a blur. Ever since that whole Annie thing, I don't remember what happened to the time because now I sit down in my final class of my first year. I've made it. I have made it. Everyone that has been active in my life in the last 3 months have helped me greatly. He has helped me greatly. It happens that he isn't around because of his profession but I've managed to continue with my life as if nothing is wrong.
In all honestly, Brendan was just a new factor. And I've learnt that anything new scares me. Simply because I do not know who I'm dealing with. But now I do. I'm dealing with a man who is so full of himself but is always putting other people above him. I'm dealing with a man who sees good in people even if all hope seems lost. I'm dealing with a man that loves everything about life.
Brendan and I are like this earth. He's east and I'm west. We're on completely different ends. But at some point east and west meet. And the fate of me meeting him was exactly that. Montreal was our meeting point. That bench on St-Catherine street was the meeting point that jump started all of this.
We're April 2nd. It's their before last home game of the season. Like always I sat down in my usual seat behind the bench with Anna. They we're playing the Hawks. This game was not one that would determine if we made it into the playoffs but it would still be nice to win tonight. Especially against the Stanley cup finalist for the last couple of season. We waited for the national anthem and for the puck to drop. The wait was killing me. I could only imagine what it was doing to them. Maybe the wait helped them play better. We were told to rise for the singing of the national anthems. Anna after may games of insisting her that if she we're at habs games, she would have to sing the Canadian national anthem.
She still didn't know what it was so she was reading it off the screen. We had a good laugh at her not being able to get it right. And immediately after that, the game started. On both ends, they battled hard. Chicago had an edge on them, but I know my boys could win this. The game was tied 1-1 until the last period. I could see Brendan fighting harder with each shift he went on. And the opposing team knew that.
5:45 left in regulation. And that's when I felt a blow to my stomach. Someone from the other team checked Brendan hard. At the moment of contact, I knew something was off. Normally he would get up, but he didn't this time. I grabbed Anna's hand. This could not be happening. Not today. Not before the playoffs. The refs finally called a whistle and made there way towards my Brendan. The whole arena went quiet. Maybe it could have been that I went momentarily deaf because I could only feel my heart barely beating. Subconsciously, I was closing in the distant between Brendan and I. I walked towards the locker room. I heard the crowed like a muffle as the cheered my Brendan.
He was placed on a stretcher and off the ice. He'll be okay. He'll be okay. I kept walking but I hit something before getting Brendan. I pushed the door open and saw everyone around him. I walked towards him and kissed him. He kissed me back but not for long. He winced in pain when they touched his hip. I held his hand and made small talk. I tried to help. I knew he wasn't going to die but I didn't like seeing him in pain like that.
"Done." The doctor said. And everyone there, left the room. Anna and Alex had came in.
"Why weren't you guys here?" I asked.
"They wouldn't let us." Alex said. Anna smiled at me and Brendan, he was holding my hand.
"Seems to me, they think you're an official girlfriend." She said.
"No."I said looking downwards.
"Hey." I heard Brendan say. "Can I tell you something?" He asked.
"Of course. Anything." He took a deep breath with his eyes closed.
"I love you." He said. He's said this before but not as serious as it was right now.
And I felt everything freezing. I let go of his hand. You don't love him like that. My mind was telling me. His jaw structure was well defined. His hair, a perfect shade of brown fixed like an imperfect perfection. And his eyes, God his eyes. The softest green pair of eyes I have ever seen. The light in them, I envy it. His smile showing 2 perfect lines; crystal white. Then his lips, they looked oh so soft and defined like his voice. A voice that often spoke to me. Why would such a beautiful creation dare speak to me? I always wondered. Even now, looking disheveled Brendan still looked like a God. His aura, gleeful and when he is next to me, I feel my own mood changing. All my thought of hating this world for all the hardship it's given me.
Am I happy?
Yes.
Am I in love?
No.
But I cared for him. I didn't want to hurt him anymore. But I knew I couldn't just say those words without meaning them. I really couldn't say them.

Am I falling for him?
More than you can imagine.
The simple though of love gave me a rush. And it's the exact same rush I got saying his name. But I know he does not nor will ever feel the same way. He was just saying because it was in the moment. He was saying this because something had happened. And in that moment I wake up from that daydream and look him in the eyes and said: " I don't love you"
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "But I can't. " I said and walked out. I had barely made my way towards the exit when Alex came rushing.
"Hey. Wait up." He said. I stopped and spoke before he said anything else.
"I couldn't Alex. I couldn't lie to him. Do I like him? Yes! But love is not something you take lightly. I've loved many people before and they've left me. I couldn't tell him that I loved him. And if you hate me, I get it. But I'm sorry. I couldn't" I said. He nodded and stayed silent.
"I was just going to tell you I'll be driving you back. Anna has a shoot tomorrow." he said. I nodded my head.
"Oh." I managed to say. And without saying anything else for the rest of the night, we got to his place. And went straight to bed.
I sat on a surfboard facing the dark sea. To my right, the sun still hadn't set. The sky seemed to be battling, trying to see who would be the dominant color. Purple, pink and orange were being to bold to appreciate the sun setting. They were burning bright. The beachers continued on, enjoying the last few waves before the night took over. I hated the beach. And yet I sit down on a surfboard watching it all. For the first time in awhile, I felt young again. I feel like all the time in my adolescence robbed from me was finally being given back to me now. I was a bit far from the shore, when I heard him call my name. I turned back and rushed towards him. In my mind, I already knew that he was the man I loved. I paddled faster till I got to him. But it wasn't Brendan. The man was tall, stronger.
"Stay there, like that. Do exactly what you're doing."he said. He took another picture with his polaroid camera. The picture came out and he placed it inside the camera's bag then brought my board and me closer to him. His blue stormy eyes were fixed on me. Those eyes belong to Alex. And for some reason I had this need for him. I didn't find myself not being able to think. I was sure of myself. I wanted his lips on mine badly. He read my mind and closed the distance between us. We kissed easily. My mind loved the idea of him and I let myself convince my heart that it did too. We pulled away and that's when I woke up.
Alex's arms were wrapped around me. He let me stay the night at his place. After what happened last night... Nothing had happened between Alex and I but my mind would love to make me believe otherwise. My heart wanted Brendan. Only Brendan, I broke free from his embrace and made my way towards the vanity. I did my morning routine but it was all muscle memory.
Later that day, I decided to walk around the city. I was tired and the coffee in hand didn't help. I sat down on a nearby bench and tried to make sense of this. But I couldn't. Within 2 days, my best friend and Brendan had left my world. And sadly, I need them badly. Some more than others. A women walked towards me but I didn't give much attention. That is until she sat down. Before she spoke, I knew who she was was; my mother. 15 years later, she still looked like a goddess. She looked like Cam.
"Isabelle." She said with her french accent. And that hit me somewhere deep inside of me. I didn't know what it was. But I know I felt angry. I had always imagined this day. I was going to tell her my hate for her, yell, cry and walk away like she did to me. But I couldn't bring myself to do that. She got closer to me and I didn't make an attempt to let her know that I didn't want it. In my mind, I didn't want her at all. But my heart, my stupid heart longed for her. It was like it knew that a piece of it was finally found.
"What's wrong?" She asked. I wanted to tell her everything. About how I hated my life after she left. About how I life wasn't fair to me. About how much I missed dad. About how much I screwed up my friendship over a guy that probably doesn't want me anymore. Everything about Brendan. About how he made me feel every day. About how I screwed up on the mystery that is love. And at the same time I didn't want to tell her nothing. My mind knew she didn't deserve to know all of this. But my heart, my heart wanted her to know all of it.
And that's what I ended up doing. After saying it all, laying it all out there for her I finally asked something that had been bothering me since my father passed away.
"Am I allowed to cry?" I asked my mom. She looked at me and said "You never ask for permission to show your feelings Isabelle. You're human."
Those words made me let go and really let myself feel uncontrollable emotions. I'm human, I kept thinking but I wasn't acting like one. I wasn't allowing myself to feel what I felt. And that lead me to push away the best man I've ever met. The kindest, caring, loving man I've ever know. I could have said something other than I don't love you. I should have. I wish I had. But I didn't, because I was being logical. And love doesn't work by those rules. Love is unique for each relationship but never will you hear it working by logic. She wants you to feel her. And does not liked to be played with. So in the arms of a woman who seems a stranger, I cried about the biggest mistake I've done:
Letting him go, without him knowing the whole truth.

There's still a part inside of me telling me to go run after him, to go and get him back. But I'm too ashamed. He gave me his heart and I screwed it over. I wouldn't take me back. So why would he?

Notes

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