Russian Roulette

I went back to work a week later. I figured the only thing that would make me feel better was a distraction, and surgery was that distraction. I was walking in the cafeteria when I see Matt and Elias at a table. They wave at me but I turn around and start walking in the other direction. I didn’t have it in me to be social. I dump my lunch in the garbage and head to the gallery to watch an appendectomy. I wondered if I would always feel like this. Geno was the love of my life so if we weren’t together there was no else for me. I would spend the rest of my life miserable and alone. I felt angry that he walked into my life, got me strung out on him and then just left, leaving me going through painful withdrawal. So far Geno detox consisted of alcohol and sleeping with a different guy every night. It distracted me for a couple of hours but I always ended up hating myself more. I finish my shift and head home. I put in my earphones and listen to the Russian songs Geno had put on my ipod. I had laid down for a few hours when I heard a knock at my door. I sit up and see Matt standing in the doorway.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Came to check on you,” he replies while sitting on my bed.

“I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I say quietly.

“I know.”

“I remember when we interns, I didn’t like you. I thought you were full of yourself but somehow we became friends and here you are.” He moves a strand of hair from my face and I lean in closely. I kiss him softly but he pulls away and I immediately feel the sting of his rejection.

“Quinn I want to, trust me. But not like this,” he says seriously. I sit back and stare at my hands.

“What do you mean by that?” I ask him.

“It means you’re sad and vulnerable and I don’t want to take advantage of that. Unlike Elias I want to do it for the right reasons.”

“He told you?”

“The hickeys on his neck plus how wasted you were it wasn’t hard to guess,” he says smiling.

“I thought it would make me feel better. Geno left me so broken and I don’t know how to fix myself.” My voice cracks and tears start to fall.

“You’ll get through this Quinn. It’s not going to happen right away but little by little you’ll start feeling better. And you’ll have me and Elias right by your side.”

“Will you stay?” I ask him. He nods and crawls under the covers with me. I put my head on his chest and I forgot how much I missed the feeling of lying on someone’s chest. Me and Matt didn’t fit perfectly the way me and Geno did but it was close enough. I close my eyes and listen to the sound of Matt’s breathing and fall asleep.

It was August and I was working all the time. My life felt so stagnant and routine. It had been three months since he left but I still didn’t feel like myself. I was just this lost person going through her days, not knowing what it all meant. I had lost a patient in surgery that day and I needed something to keep me from going off the deep end. I went to the bar alone in search of answer. I walked in and found my answer sitting on stool wearing a beanie. Bobby.
I see a bunch of girls around him so I pull up a stool at the bar and order a beer. He turns around when he hears my voice and he looks shocked.

“Quinn?” he manages to get out.

“Hey. I bet you didn’t recognize without all the blood on my face,” I joke.

“Quinn I panicked.”

“Whatever it’s fine.”

“What are you doing here?” he asks.

“What do you like own this bar?”

“No. I’m happy to see you.” Bingo. Those were the words I needed to hear. If I was going to move on,
it was going to be with the only other person I had ever had any remote feelings for.

“You are?” I ask.

“Yeah I miss you. I hated myself after what happened.”

“I missed you too,” I smile. Part of me wanted to vomit and run but I knew this is what I had to do. We catch up and I’m several drinks in when he finally invites me over. I spend the night with man I thought once was a monster and I think about Evgeni. I hoped he was happy wherever he was.

I show up at the apartment a week later and Audrina stops me before I go in my room.

“Where have you been?” she asks.

“Working,” I reply.

“So you’ve been sleeping there too?”

“No.”

“So you’re sleeping with someone?”

“Yes.”

“Look I’m your best friend so I mean this in the most caring way possible. It’s not healthy to be sleeping around this much,” she says carefully.

“Don’t worry. I’m only sleeping with one person now,” I assure her.

“Who? she asks. Just then the door knocks and Audrina opens it.

“Hey Audrina, long time no see,” Bobby says winking. She slams the door in his face, and turns to look at me, a look of horror on her face.

“You can’t be serious Quinn. Do you remember what he did?” she says dramatically.

“It was an accident,” I reply. I push past her and open the door. I drag Bobby into my room and slam my door.

“She seems happy,” Bobby smirks.
I push Bobby onto my bed and climb on top of him. I really didn’t have anything to say him so I used his body as a distraction. Somehow being back with Bobby made it seem like me and Geno had never happened. I tried to pretend it was just a figment of my imagination and that I had made the whole thing up. I pretended I was never in love and I pretended that I didn’t get my heart ripped out. It was just me and Bobby, like the way things used to be.

It didn’t take long for Bobby and I to fall back into our old ways. We were constantly fighting and breaking up. But just like before he would come crawling back and I would forgive him. His drinking was out of hand and he was much more physical with me than he used to be. I knew he had a troubled upbringing and that his father was a physical man so I never brought it up. Bobby didn’t know any better and he needed me. It was September and the preseason started which meant I knew Geno was in Pittsburgh. My heart sunk at the thought and I pushed the thought to the back of my mind. I sat on my bed with Luka beside me purring when my phone starts ringing.

“Hello?” I answer without checking the caller id.

“Hey Quinn, it’s Sidney. Haven’t heard from you all summer, how are things?” he asks.

“Sid hey. Things are fine, how are you?” I respond deadpanned.

“Oh I’m alright. The guys are going out tonight, you should come.”

“I work unfortunately, but thanks for the invite.” I hang up the phone and throw it on the bed. I could tell by his tone that he knew about me and Geno. I lie back and wonder how these next few months will unfold.

Notes