Russian Roulette

I open my eyes and stare at the white tile. I hear beeping and there’s a nurse replacing my I.V. bag. My stomach is killing me and my mouth is dry. Why was I in the hospital?

“Oh good you’re awake! How are you feeling?” she asks me.

“Terrible,” I croak. She leaves and I sit up and see that Geno is asleep in the corner. Why was Geno here? I couldn’t remember what happened. A few minutes later Matt and Elias walk into the room and they look worried.

“You’re awake, thank god!” Matt says while shining a light into my eyes. Geno wakes up and stands up quickly.

“What happened?” I ask them. They all look at each other and I wait patiently for an explanation.

“You don’t remember?” Elias asks.

“Obviously not or I wouldn’t be asking,” I say annoyed. Matt sits on my bed and holds my hand. This was starting to get weird.

“You overdosed on an antipsychotic and we had to pump your stomach. You were in a coma for four days and you’re in acute liver failure but it’s reversible,” he says carefully. Overdose? Suddenly I remember taking the pills. A woman walks in and smiles at me.

“Hi Quinn. We haven’t met before but I’m Dr. Sterling the psychiatrist,” she says smiling.

“A psychiatrist? I’m not suicidal. I took those pills because I wanted sleep,” I tell her.

“Quinn you downed an entire bottle,” Elias says intensely.

“Yeah because I hadn’t slept in weeks. I’m not a psych case,” I say annoyed. Because of standard procedure, she does her psych evaluation then finally leaves. I look at Geno and I suddenly remember our conversation. He looks sad and he must think this was his fault.

“Guy’s can you give us a minute?” I ask them. They nod and leave the room. Geno pulls up the chair to the bed and holds my hand.

“My fault?” he asks sadly.

“Zhenya no, this was me being stupid. I’ve had a really tough time over these past few months and it all just got to be a bit much,” I reply.

“I have hard time too in Russia without you.”

“It didn’t look like it. It looked like you were having a great time without me.”

“Эти девушки были просто отвлечения. Я сказал вам, я никогда не мог любить так или иначе, как я тебя люблю, (those girls were just distractions. I told you I could never love anyone the way I love you). I look at him and try to figure this all out. I mean this is what I wanted this entire summer but I still felt like we had so many issues.

“Geno I think I need some time, to be alone for awhile. I just need to figure all this out,” I say hesitantly. He looks at me sadly but nods.

“Okay. Take as long as need. I wait,” he replies.
We sit there for a while until I hear a knock on the door. I look up and see Audrina. Her eyes are red and she looks like she hasn’t slept in days.

“Hey buddy,” I say softly. Geno gets up and leaves the room and she sits on my bed and starts crying. I wrap my arms around her and start rocking her back and forth. “Hey shh it’s okay. I’m here.”

“I was so scared. I found you laying there and you were barely breathing, I panicked,” she says in between sobs.

“I’m so sorry you had to find me like that Audrina. I did something stupid but I’m okay,” I reassure her. I had been so selfish, I totally hadn’t thought about how my actions would affect other people. What if I hadn’t woken up? Audrina would have lost her best friend and Geno would have blamed himself. I think about how reckless of a person I am and realize things needed to change.

They were keeping me in the hospital for observation and it gave me time to reflect on my life. I had never realized how emotionally damaged I was. My reckless behaviour always seemed to stem from my relationships with men. As much as I loved Geno, I needed to learn to love myself first. Elias and Matt walk in and pull up chairs.

“How’s our patient doing,” Elias asks.

“Fine,” I reply.

“What’s wrong?” Matt asks.

“Everything. I feel so lost and confused.”

“Is this about Geno?” Elias asks.

“He dumped me and flew across the world and starting hooking up with random women. Then the season starts and he suddenly comes crawling back. That’s not fair.”

“So you’re not getting back together?” Matt says confused.

“I honestly believe he’s the love of my life but I think getting into a relationship is a bad idea. I need to learn how to function independently.”

“You go girl,” Elias says smiling. It didn’t feel great but deep down I knew this was this best thing for me.

I was discharged a week later and I was sitting on the couch watching old surgeries when Audrina and James walk in.

“Hey guys,” I say warmly.

“Hey how you feeling,” Audrina asks while they sit down on the couch.

“Better. Where were you guys?”

“Vero had a bunch of us over for supper,” she says awkwardly.

“Sounds fun. Was G there?” I ask. I hadn’t talked to him since that day in the hospital and I didn’t have any plans to.

“Yeah. He was,” James replies. I turn my attention back to the spinal fusion on the TV.

“Okay well we’re going to bed. Call me if you need anything,” Audrina says gently. I nod and they head to her bedroom. It sucked being alone right now but I knew as soon I was back on my feet I could bury myself in surgeries.

A few days later Audrina left for the Penguins game so I headed to Jack’s. I walk in and sat down at the bar and ordered a glass of water. I texted the guys telling them I was here if they were free. I was watching the game on the TV when someone sits down beside me and orders a beer. I recognize the voice and I turn around to find Lyla sitting there handing the bartender a fake id.

“Lyla what are you doing here?” I ask.

“I went to the hospital and the hot doctor said you were here,” she replies. Jack sets down her beer and she takes a long sip.

“You know as your doctor I don’t condone underage drinking,” I say smiling.

“Well since I got my casts off you’re not technically my doctor anymore so it’s chill.”

“How are you? How was your summer?”

“Besides being the freak with the dead boyfriend and the limp, I’m okay. My summer was fine.”

“The limp will get better as your leg gets stronger,” I reassure her.

“I’m still a freak at school. Everyone doesn’t know how to act around me and I’m just the girl who survived that accident.”

“Look people suck, especially in high school. I think it’s badass that’s you’re the girl who survived. Not a lot of people comeback from the type of injuries you had,” I tell her.

“How was your summer? How’s Geno?” she asks.

“My summer was hell. Geno and I broke up.”

“I’m sorry,” she says sadly. I shrug and we look up at the screen and they show Geno sitting out watching the game.

“So that’s why you’re here and not at the game?” she asks.

“I’m supposed to be at home resting my liver but I got bored.”

“Is that why you’re at a bar drinking water?” she laughs. I nod and smile. I look at Lyla and she looks a lot better than she did when she was in the hospital.

“How are you doing without Derek?” I ask.

“I thought I was okay but then we had his funeral and I went off the deep end. Slowly I’ve been picking up the pieces. I was able to clean out his apartment and sell it. I kept most of his things but I figure I’ll get rid of them when I’m ready,” she replies.

“That’s a pretty big deal, I’m proud of you kid,” I say nudging her. The game finishes and the Penguins beat the Red Wings 4-2 and me and Lyla leave the bar. I drop her off at home and drive to the apartment. For once, I felt proud of myself for doing what was best for me. I just hoped that it would get easier in the future.

Notes