Russian Roulette

I was back to work a week later and my main focus was on surgeries. I was officially off probation and I was constantly in the O.R. logging as many surgeries as I could.

“There she is. Been keeping busy?” Elias asks at the nurse’s station.

“You bet. Nothing says I’m over you like sticking your hands in someone’s body cavity,” I smile.

“You know I’m proud of you. I can’t remember the last time you were single and enjoying it,” Elias says smiling.

“Actually I can’t remember the last time you were single period,” Matt adds.

“It’s the brand new Quinn. Independent female,” I reply.

“Yeah independent female, turn around,” Elias tells me. I turn around and there’s a delivery person holding a basket flowers.

“Dr. Eriksson?” the delivery person asks.

“Yes?” I reply. He hands me the basket then walks away. There’s gotta be 100 white roses and right in the middle, the number 71 is in red roses. I shake my head and put the large basket on the counter.

“It’s not even signed,” I say rolling my eyes.

“Wow. He raises the bar high,” Elias says impressed. I take the flowers and start stuffing them in the trashcan.

“Yikes,” Matt says to Elias.

“I don’t like flowers,” I say simply. My pager goes off and I leave the basket half sticking out of the garbage. I head to Reid’s office where I spend the rest of the day doing office hours.

A couple weeks later I get off work early and meet Audrina at our favourite restaurant for supper.

“Hey girl, I already ordered for you.” she says when she sees me. I sit down and take off my sweater.

“Thanks. How was work?” I ask her.

“Today was a good day. I got a raise!” she says excitedly.

“Audrina that’s awesome.”

“Yeah what about you? Anything exciting happen today?”

“Geno sent me like 100 roses.”

“Aww”

“Not aww. I threw them out.”

“That’s a little harsh.”

“No it’s not. He dumped me remember. That was harsh,” I say annoyed.

“Yeah but he means well. James says he’s like sad all the time.”

“Sucks to be him I guess.”

“Look I’m happy you’re like reinventing yourself but you’re like different now,” she says carefully.

“Different how?” I ask.

“I don’t know. You seem so guarded and emotionless.” I’m totally taken aback by her words. I wasn’t either of those things.

“No I’m not.”

“I know you got hurt but you can’t just close yourself up. Eventually you’ll have to let someone in.” We finish eating our food awkwardly and go our separate ways. I headed to the apartment while she headed to James’ house. I couldn’t get mine and Audrina’s conversation out of my head. I thought she’d be excited for the new me. And just because I wasn’t letting anyone in now didn’t mean I never would. I shake my head and climb into bed and fall into a restless sleep.

A month had passed since my overdose and I still hadn’t contacted Geno. For the first time in months I felt okay with being alone and I started to wonder whether Geno and I were meant to be. Geno was finally cleared to play after six months of rehabbing and the team doctor’s that were once judging me were now praising me. After a long shift at work I drive home in the rain. I get to the apartment and put my pj’s on and climb into bed. It was 10:00 p.m so I shut my eyes and try to squeeze some rest in before my next shift.
I hear distant knocking and I wonder if I’m dreaming. I sit up still groggy and check the clock.1:27 a.m. Confused I get up and follow the sound. I open the door and Geno is standing there drenched.

“Geno?” I say confused.

“Can I come in?” he asks. I open the door and gesture for him to come in. Luka comes and rubs up against him and Geno bends down to pet him.

“What are you doing here?” I ask.

“I need to talk.”

“About?”

“Us.” He sits down on the couch and I make us tea. I wasn’t sure if I was mentally ready to have this conversation. I bring the cups to the coffee table and sit on the couch opposite of him. I can tell he’s nervous and I can’t help but feel the same.

“I make mistake when I leave. I thought you not happy with me after surgery. You seem so mad at me I thought you not want to be with me so I left,” he says seriously.

“Geno I was unhappy with our situation. You totally gave up on us and made me feel like you didn’t love me anymore,” I reply sadly.

“I still love. Quinn I always love and I sorry for leaving. I know I hurt you.”

“I don’t think it’s healthy to need someone this much. I was absolutely ruined when you left and I was in a really dark place. I’m a doctor but I still swallowed a bottle of pills. Do you know how reckless that is? Geno I could have died.”

“I scared when Audrina tell me you in hospital. I not want you feel like that but I want to be with you.”

“You can’t just hurt me like that and then walk back into my life. I’ve finally picked up the pieces and I’m finally doing okay,” I say while my voice cracks. I feel the tears fall and I wipe them away hastily. He gets up and sits beside me and wraps his arms around me. I wanted to fight it but I couldn’t help but feel comforted by his embrace.

“Если вы больше не любите меня, это прекрасно. Я оставлю тебя в покое, и вы можете прожить свою жизнь без меня, но если ты все еще любишь меня, я обещаю, что я проведу остаток своей жизни, показывая вам, как сильно я тебя люблю (If you don't love me anymore, it's fine. I'll leave you alone and you can live your life without me but if you still love me I promise I'll spend the rest of my life showing you how much I love you)” My thoughts are racing. This is it. If I say no, Geno walks out of my life for good. I think about a life without him and it seems dull and colourless. I still loved him but I was also scared of getting hurt again. I look into his big brown eyes and my heart aches and I make my decision.

“I still love you,” I whisper. He presses a soft chaste kiss on my lips then leans his forehead against mine. I get up and lead him to my room. We crawl under the covers and I wrap myself around him. My heart was happy but my mind wasn’t. Did I give in too easily? Was I being naïve thinking this could work? Audrina said I couldn’t close myself off for the rest of my life and Geno is the only person I wanted to give my heart too. I needed to talk to the guy’s the next day to make sure I’m making the right decision.

I walk up to the nurse’s station the next day and find Elias charting.

“Where’s Matt?” I ask.

“Called in sick,” he replies.

“I need to talk to you,” I say seriously.

“Okay shoot.”

“Geno came over last night and apologized for breaking up with me and gave me an out. He said if I said I wasn’t still in love with him that he would let me live my life in peace, but I told him I still love and I guess we’re sort of together. I need you to tell me if I’m being naïve and making a mistake.”

“Quinn, I’ve see you when you’re with Geno. You’re happier and he brings out the best version of you. I know things got complicated with his surgery but he was trying to do the best thing for you. He’s an idiot for doing it but I know for a fact you two are meant to be together.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ve seen you go from a sad broken person to a strong independent person. You’ve grown so much these past few months and I’m so proud of you. You said it yourself; you can’t love someone else until you love yourself. Do you love yourself?” he asks. I wasn’t sure if I would ever completely love myself but Elias was right. I wasn’t the same person I was a few months ago. I was no longer the self-destructive, reckless sad broken girl I was before.

“For the most part,” I reply.

“Then let yourself fall in love. Don’t let the past keep you from enjoying the present.”

“Since when did you get so wise?”

“Since always. You’ve just never paid attention.” I get up and hug my friend. He laughs and hugs me back and I head to the O.R. in a much lighter mood.

Notes