Russian Roulette

I stand there and I’m stunned. I hear someone saying my name but I can’t move. I look at Matt and his eyes are half open. They wheel the stretcher inside and I instinctively follow. My body is on autopilot and I follow them into the trauma room. I get in the room and Dr. Reid grabs me and Elias and pulls us out.

"You guys can’t be in there. You’re his family,” Reid tells me calmly.

“I’m staying in the room,” I say boldly.

“Quinn-“

“I’m staying in the room.” I push past him and walk back into the room. There are several doctor’s in here all yelling different things and I feel lost.

“Against the wall, both of you, not a word,” Dr. Reid commands me and Elias. There’s so much happening I just wish I could slow it all down. I hear the monitor flat line and my eyes snap to Matt.

“He’s in V-fib,” Dr. Hunter calls out. My heart stops and I stop breathing.

“Okay charge the paddles! Clear!” Dr. Turner yells. ‘No Matt, come on, please.’ I silently plead.

“Okay again. Charge to 200, clear!” she yells. I look at the monitor silently praying.

“Sinus tach, he’s back,” Dr. Reid announces. I let go of the breath I’m holding and become aware that I’m squeezing Elias’ hand. They wheel Matt into surgery and me and Elias go up to the empty gallery and sit down and watch Matt get prepped for surgery.

“See you in the morning. That was the last thing he said to me,” Elias says dejectedly. I sit there and don’t say anything. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I couldn’t feel. I was still processing. I wanted to be down there helping but I was just stuck up here doing nothing. I watch as Dr. Karlsson the neurosurgeon cuts open Matt’s head. The surgery goes on for hours and we sit there patiently. Matt goes into v-fib and I panic and I sit down on the floor in front of the window. I couldn’t watch anymore. What was the last thing Matt said to me? Why couldn’t I remember? I put my head between my knees and try to control my breathing. After a total of 8 hours, they wheel him into recovery where me and Elias pull up chairs to his bed. He’s intubated and I check his vitals every five minutes. He had bleeding in his brain and heart and they packed the bleeding for now. Dr. Turner told us if he makes it through the night they’ll go back and operate tomorrow.

“Remember that one time when I threw up after I screwed up that surgery during our intern year. Matt was the one who found me and calmed me down. He’s always been there for me,” Elias says quietly.

“Stop talking like he’s dying,” I say irritably. I grab Matt’s hand and brush his hair off his forehead.

“Matt, we’re here okay?” I say gently. Hours past and Dr. Karlsson comes in.

“I’m going lower the sedation to see how his brain function is,” Dr. Karlsson informs us. He lowers it and watches Matt carefully.

“Matt I know this is going to hurt but don’t fight the intubation. Can you follow me with your eyes,” he asks Matt while moving his finger in front of Matt’s face. “Can you squeeze my hand?” Nothing happens so Dr. Karlsson puts him back under.

“It’s too soon to tell anything,” he tells us. “I fixed all the bleeders I saw-“

“But he could have permanent neurological damage,” I finish. I turn back to Matt and hold his hand again. Matt was a fighter, he was going to get through this. He had to.

They had taken him back to surgery and fixed the to contusion to his heart. He was now in recovery and I was waiting patiently for him to wake up. Me and Elias were by his side 24/7, neither of us wanting to go home. I’m watching his O2 stats when I hear a knock on the door. I turn and see Geno holding flowers.

“Zhenya,” I say tiredly. He sets the flowers on the table and kisses the top of my head.

“How is he?” he asks.

“The same,” I reply.

“You look tired,” he notices. I hadn’t slept in over 48 hours. My whole life revolved around Matt and I needed to be here in case he woke up or in case he turned for the worst.

“I’m okay.”

“I have practice, I just want to check on you.”

“Thanks G,” I say giving him a weak smile. Geno leaves and I sit there quietly watching Matt’s chest rise and fall. By day 13 I was starting to lose hope. Dr. Karlsson had told us there was a chance he may never wake up. Elias was asleep in the chair across from so I lean forward and grab Matt’s hand. I feel my throat tighten and I blink back tears.

“Hey it’s me. I don’t know if you can hear me but I really need you to wake up. You’re my best friend and I can’t do this without you. You’re my family and I can’t lose you,” I whisper. I start to silently cry and I grasp his hand with both of mine. I put his hand against my cheek and I suddenly feel his finger wipe a tear away. My head snaps up and he’s looking at me.

“You’re awake!” I exclaim. Elias stirs and opens his eyes. He looks at Matt and he jumps up.

“Matt buddy you’re awake,” he says smiling. I take out his intubation tube and check his breath sounds.

“Matty can you say something,” I ask him.

“You look pretty when you cry,” he whispers. I smile and page Dr. Karlsson. He comes right away and tests Matt’s neurological function.

“Everything looks good. We missed you Matt,” Karlsson says smiling. He leaves the room and me and Elias sit there staring at our blonde friend.

“What happened?” I ask him tentatively.

“I just remember the light turned green and the jeep came out of nowhere,” he replies.

“You scared us Matt. You’re never allowed to do that again,” I tell him.

“Yes mam,” he smiles.

Notes