
Russian Roulette
35: Contemplating
I stand there not registering what he said. Everything seems to have slowed down and I feel dazed. I see Matt’s mouth moving but I don’t hear anything. I feel someone grasp my arm and shake me. I turn and find Elias staring at me expectantly.
“Wh-what,” I stammer.
“Are you okay? You look like you’re about to faint,” Elias says concerned. I sit down on the bench and put my head between my knees.
“Are you sure?” I ask Matt weakly.
“Yeah. Your liver enzymes are within normal range but your hcg level is elevated,” he replies. He passes me the paper and I stare at the number. It all didn’t make sense to me. I couldn’t be pregnant. I was due to get my period any day now.
“This could be a mistake. This might be someone else’s test,” I say panicked.
“It’s yours, I ran it twice.”
“An elevated hcg level could mean other things like interfering antibodies. I need to see Jefferson,” I say while getting up. Before they have a chance to say anything I leave the locker room and head to the fourth floor. I get to her office and take a deep breath and knock on the door.
“Dr. Eriksson, can I help you?” she asks frostily.
“Hi. I know it’s late and you’re probably really busy but I need an ultrasound,” I say awkwardly. She looks surprised but she puts down the file she’s reading.
“Sure. Let’s go to an exam room,” she says in a warmer tone. We get in the room and I take my pants and underwear off and drape myself. She inserts the transvaginal ultrasound and I wince.
“How did you find out?” she asks.
“I was doing a blood test to check something and my friend noticed my hcg level was elevated,” I reply.
“How high?”
“426 mlU/ml.” We look at the screen and my heart stops. There in the middle is a gestational sac.
“Well you’re about four weeks along. There’s the sac,” she says pointing to the black spot on the monitor.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper.
“You are definitely pregnant. You’ll be due in September,” she says smiling. I had never seen her smile before but at this time it was oddly comforting. We finish the ultrasound and I put my pants back on. I thank her and leave the room in a state of shock. I head to an on-call room and lay down. I couldn’t go home. I couldn’t face Geno. How did this happen? I was on birth control. Was I really the 0.1% that the pill wasn’t effective for? There was no way I could be a mom. I couldn’t even take care of myself. My life had been such a roller coaster this past year I couldn’t image bringing a baby into all of this. Does Geno even want kids? I think about how this is supposed to be an exciting time but I just feel anxious. I had options though. I think about terminating the pregnancy and I suddenly feel sick. Could I really end this? Me and Geno had created something together and as scared as I felt I wasn’t sure I could just kill it off. I spend the next few hours tossing and turning until I give up and head to the E.R. to help out.
I had busied myself with surgeries and clinic duty until it was lunchtime. I head to the cafeteria and sit down with Matt and Elias.
“Looks like someone slept here,” Elias notices.
“I’m pregnant,” I say seriously.
“How do you feel about that?” Matt asks.
“I don’t know. I’m still processing,” I reply.
“I think this is great!” Elias says excitedly.
“You do?”
“Your kids going to have the best genetics and the two coolest parents,” he says smiling.
“I’m with Elias, this is great news,” Matt says smiling. Their reactions made me feel a little more at ease.
“Looks like you’ll have to quit drinking for the next eight months,” Elias says with his mouth full.
“Oh my god drinking! I totally forgot!” I say panicked. I get up and run towards Jefferson’s office. I get there and she’s on the phone and she gestures for me to take a seat. I sit down and watch her carefully. She was a very attractive woman. Her silky black hair was usually pinned back and she wore sexy secretary frames over her green eyes. I used to joke about how she was hot on the outside but cold on the inside. She hangs up and takes her glasses off.
“Eriksson, what can I do for you?” she says evenly.
“I drank a lot of alcohol the other night before I knew I was pregnant. Did I do any damage to the embryo?” I ask nervously.
“Was that the only time you’ve drank lately?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“I get women coming to me all the time saying they drank before they knew they were pregnant and so far the ones I’ve delivered have all been healthy. There have been little studies about alcohol and early pregnancy but if it was just the one time it shouldn’t be a problem. We’ll monitor your pregnancy closely,” she says reassuringly. The more I talked to this woman the more I realized she wasn’t like the black widow everyone made her out to be.
“Thanks so much,” I tell her.
“I’m sure you’ve heard what happened,” she says watching me closely. I suddenly feel awkward and I don’t know what to say. “It’s okay. The whole hospital knows. As you know there are very few female doctor’s in this hospital and I worked for years to get the respect I deserved and all that went down the drain after one stupid mistake.”
“No one’s perfect. Everyone sleeps with everyone in this hospital. Even I’ve done it.” Her face breaks out in a smile and I smile too.
“Well Eriksson I’d be happy to be your ob-gyn through your pregnancy if you want,” she says warmly.
“Yeah, I’d like that.” Suddenly it hits me that I’m going through with this pregnancy. My pager goes off so I say goodbye to Jefferson. My shift ends and I spend the entire ride home trying to figure out how I was going to tell Geno. I pull up to the house and hop out. I take a deep breath and walk inside. I see Luka sitting by the door and I lean down to pet him.
“Hey buddy,” I murmur. I notice the house is empty so I go upstairs and run a bath. I strip off my clothes and take my hair out of its ponytail. I get into the water and submerge underneath of it. Everything felt safe in the bathtub. I let go of all the stress and tension and relax. I hear a noise so I come up for air. I look and Geno is sitting on the floor beside the tub wearing his suit.
“Hi,” he says amused.
“How was the game?” I ask.
“We lost 5-3.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Is okay. How work? You not come home last night.”
“Yeah I had a busy day so I just slept at the hospital.” He rests his chin on his knee and I start to feel nervous. “G, where do you see us in ten years?” He looks taken aback by the question but then I see him thinking about an answer.
“Hopefully still play hockey and you operate. Hopefully have lots of kids,” he says smiling. There it was. He wanted kids. My face breaks out in a smile and he gives me a questioning look.
“So if you were a dad this time next year that’d be cool with you?” He looks at me confused so I sit up.
“Zhenya I’m pregnant,” I say smiling. He sits there shocked for a few moments until a huge smile breaks out across his face. He jumps into the tub still wearing his suit and crushes his lips against mine.
“I love so much Quinn,” he says excitedly. He looks down and places a hand on my flat stomach. “Я люблю тебя слишком мало одного, (I love you too little one)” Geno kisses me again and we get lost in each other over and over again until the water gets cold.
Can't wait for the next part :)
9/7/16