Differences

(Edit: I just found this pic today and I am more in love with him than ever and wanted to add it to this chapter.)


Mid-May and the pink and red tulips in Ryan’s front yard were in full bloom. Her classes were over and with no summer courses scheduled, Ryan looked forward a few warm months with hardly anything to do. Since the Flyers seasons was over, Contessa packed up her things and moved everything she didn’t need to her mother’s house. Then, she and Sidney prepared to head to his lake house in Cole Harbour where they planned to spend the summer. The two friends said goodbye on Ryan’s porch while Sidney waited in the car.

Contessa squeezed her a little tighter than normal and Ryan told her, “Christ, it’s not like I’m never gonna see you again.”

“I know, babe, but you were so sad when I was in Pittsburgh and then I came back, but now I’m leaving again so soon.”

Ryan grumbled, “I wasn’t sad,” but held Contessa a littler closer as well.

“I’ll call you when we get there.”

“Good.”

“And I’ll call you every day.”

“Whenever you have time. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.”

Finally, Contessa let go, holding Ryan by the shoulders. “I’m sure Raffl will keep you occupied.”

“I’m sure he will.”

Contessa gave her a knowing smile. “You like having him around.”

“I like getting regular dick from him, that’s about it.”

“Okay, sure. Just try to be nice to him. He’s a sweet guy and he likes you a lot.”

Ryan hadn’t told Contessa what Raffl had said when he was drunk and depressed about being ousted from the playoffs. Raffl hadn’t mentioned it either so Ryan was trying hard to act like it never happened. She didn’t want Contessa to know because Ryan knew she would never let her hear the end of it.

Now, Ryan just smiled. “He’s a fool for it, but he does seem to enjoy my company.”

“And you enjoy his. Just admit it, you like him.”

“I don’t dislike him. He’s amusing and he knows how to fuck, which is pretty much all I need from a man.”

Contessa wanted to laugh, but she knew Ryan wouldn’t appreciate it. The woman was so damn hard-headed she wouldn’t admit anything she didn’t want to, especially not having real feelings for someone other than Contessa. It was obvious, though. Ryan never kept a man around for longer than a couple of weeks. Raffl has been in her life for well over a month now and she showed no signs of wanting to cut him off. Contessa was full of hope that he could be the one to finally break Ryan of her flighty habits when it came to men. She didn’t say this, but just smiled sweetly.

Ryan looked towards the car. “Your favorite asshole is waiting.”

“Oh, Ryan, everybody knows that you’re my favorite asshole.” And then Contessa was hugging her again and Ryan held her in equal measure. With one final squeeze Contessa said, “Okay, mmm! I’m leaving. Be nice to Raff, I mean it, and call me if anything exciting happens.”

Contessa started to walk down the path and Ryan asked, “Exciting like he makes me come fifteen times in one day?”

“Well, that too, but I meant exciting like you decide to grow up and be in a real relationship for once.”

“You grow up!”

Contessa just waved and so did Sidney from the driver’s side. Ryan flipped him off and that stopped him, though he did smile a little, even as Contessa gave her a harsh look. Ryan watched them drive away and then sat on her stoop. The door opened and Michael came out.

“You didn’t have to hide in the house, Raff. The both knew you were here.”

He sat down next to her and shrugged. “I wanted you and Contessa to have a moment to yourselves. I know it’s hard for you to see her go.”

Ryan wanted to roll her eyes and shout that she was just fine with Contessa leaving, thank you very much. Granted, she didn’t have anyone else she really talked to and she had enjoyed having Contessa back home, but she was a grown up, despite what her friend thought of her. She had her dance day-camp coming up, she had her cat Iverson, and she had Raffl to satisfy all her sexual cravings. She was going to be a-okay.

Ryan kept quiet and just squinted at Michael in the sun. He sat back on his hands, eyes closed, soaking up the warmth of the day, and looking beautiful. Even though he was Austrian, this man was not made for harsh winters. He looked inextricably right in the sunshine, his hair lighter, his skin already starting to freckle, his smile even wider than normal. His shirt was too tight across his expansive chest, but she wasn’t going to complain about that, his board shorts were loose and comfortable, his feet bare.

She finally said, “Is there still coffee?”

“No, but I can make some.”

“Don’t bother. Let’s go out.”

She stood and he followed, grinning wildly. They hardly ever went out, he would come to her house, or she would come to his, that was it. He was nearly giddy at the thought of showing her off in public. He asked, “Like a date?”

“Like I’m gonna let you buy me a latte so I have enough energy to fuck you all afternoon.”

He pulled her in his arms and her fingers laid flat against his biceps. “Mmm, that’s my idea of a perfect date.”

“Not a date.”

“Mmm-hmm, okay.” He kissed her, negating further argument. He put his shoes on and they went out.

Ultimo Coffee Bar on Fifteenth Street is an overly trendy and highly pretentious sort of place, but the pastries are fresh and the coffee strong, so Ryan tolerated the snotty clientele and employees for those reasons.

Michael let her order for them, coffee and treats, and he paid happily. Sipping her latte and enjoying her brownie, Ryan watched Michael stare at her for a while before she said, “What the hell, Raff?”

“Can’t I look at you?”

“Not like that.”

“I look at you like this all the time, you know I do. Sometimes I think you even enjoy it.”

Ryan relented on that point. He did have the same look in his eye when he took in her naked form. And she did like it. He had an intense gaze that never failed to turn her on even more than she already was. “Fine, not in public then.”

“I can’t help it. You’re so absolutely beautiful, Ry.”

Just as she had when he told her this in that hotel room in Washington, she winced as if he had hit her. She steadied her face quickly, but Michael knew what he had seen. She drank her coffee, almost pretending he wasn’t there. “I’m not really.”

He asked, “How come you only let me tell you you’re beautiful when we’re in bed together?”

“Because that’s different.”

“How?” He leaned towards her across the table and spoke quietly. “You’re pretty when you come, you’re also pretty when you sip coffee in cafes.”

“It’s just…I don’t like it, Raff, okay? Time and a place for compliments, for me, that place in the bedroom.”

“You let Contessa compliment you all the time.”

Now Ryan was really annoyed and her voice reflected it. “She’s different, you know she is. It’s not the same thing.”

“Have you slept with her?”

“Why would you ask me that?”

“You’re too close, closer than friends. I’m just wondering. You seem like old lovers sometimes the way you are together.”

Ryan didn’t like anyone to know about the nature of her and Contessa’s relationship in the past; she was just a private person and men could be so gross about such things. If she had known that Contessa had told Sidney she would have been furious. And yet, Raffl’s pleading eyes were so desperate to know her, she felt compelled to tell him the truth. Lord knows why. He really is so goddamn annoying in the way he makes me act, she thought.

“A long time ago. When we were much younger. It’s not a thing that we do anymore, so don’t get your hopes up.”

Raffl ignored the implication that he would want to watch them together and said, “Can I ask you a really personal question?”

“As if all those other ones weren’t personal and invasive?”

“I just want to know, you seem to dislike men a whole lot. If you also like women…why don’t you date women?”

“I dislike pretty much everyone, Raff.”

“True, but men more so than women, I think. I don’t mean to pry, I’m just curious.”

Ryan let out a deep sigh and looked at him hard for a moment. “Because I like women in bed, but I love the way men make me feel. Trust me, if I could be a lesbian, I would be one, but unfortunately your gender provides something I simply cannot live without. Alright? Are we done now?”

She was like a tulip bud herself at times, closed and tight, but here she almost seem to loosen and bloom, just a bit. Michael figured now was as good a time as any to prod, “What was your mother like?”

He could literally see her close up again and he knew he had pushed too hard too soon. She slammed the ceramic mug she had been sipping from down on the table and stood, leaving the cafe without a word and immediately walking down the block.

When Michael caught up with her, he thought she was going to punch him, maybe even beat him to death if she could find a firm enough object within reach. She ripped her arm away from his grasp before she walked on.

He followed. “Ryan, I’m sorry. You don’t tell me anything so how am I supposed to know what’s off limits?”

She spun around to face him. “Here’s how you know, if I bring it up, you can talk about it. If I don’t, don’t fucking ask.”

She started walking away again and he went along with her. He kept his voice even when he told her, “You did bring it up.”

“When? Tell me when. Because I don’t talk about my mother with anyone.”

He grabbed her arm again to stop her and while she struggled away from him he didn’t let go. “You brought her up in Washington. When I showed up drunk at your hotel.”

Goddamn it all, Ryan thought. “So you remember what was said between us?”

He didn’t want to lie to her, but he knew he needed to if he wanted this to continue, this conversation and their relationship. “I remember you mentioned your mother in passing, that’s about it.”

Ryan didn’t believe him and her look said it all. For some reason, she let that part go, admitted this was her own fault, and told him, “I don’t like to talk about her. About anyone in my family. I probably only mentioned her because I was tired, not thinking and I figured you would be too drunk to remember.”

Michael let go of her arm and put his hands on her back, pulling her into him. “Okay. We won’t talk about them.”

He bent to kiss her, but Ryan moved her head away. “I want to go home.”

“Let’s go home then.”

She pushed off his chest. “No, I want to go home, by myself. I just need to be alone right now.”

Michael had a feeling that being alone was the last thing she needed, but he also knew it was what she wanted. He had done too much damage to fix it right now, so he had to let her go. He let go of her. “Alright. Can I call you later?”

“No, just let me be for today.”

“Tomorrow?”

Ryan started walking away and said, “I don’t know. Ask me tomorrow.”

Michael went home, wondering if he had ruined everything. He just couldn’t help himself, he had no secrets and it drove him crazy that he couldn’t know everything about Ryan. It baffled him how she could be so open and inviting with her body, but keep her emotional and psychological selves closed off so tightly. For him, sex was as much a mental or spiritual connection as it was physical. He knew Ryan was going to be a challenge, but he also knew he himself had to tone it down. He wasn’t bothered by her reaction, he was disappointed in himself.

He had to get better at taking his time. He could be unbelievably patient in bed, building her up slowly, making seconds feel like hours for them both, holding back until the time was just right and then pressing hard to find his way inside and bringing unspeakable pleasure to them both. He could do the same thing with her emotional standoff. He would go slow, break her down a piece a time. He had to be patient he reminded himself. He could make this work if he was.

Ryan got home and the rigid tension in her body was about to snap her in half. Stupid, stupid, stupid, she thought. This was her fault, she did mention her mother to him, why in God’s name she had done that she would never know. She couldn’t call Contessa, because the woman would just tell Ryan to open up to Raffl, tell him everything, be emotionally vulnerable, that Michael could be trusted.

Fuck that, she thought. It was bad enough that she was starting to like the man, opening up to him was another beast entirely. One she wasn’t ready to battle. She pulled on some athletic gear, found her running shoes and left the house again, jogging for a few blocks before she broke out into a full blown sprint. She went like this for miles, until her rapidly beating heart drowned out any thoughts of her mother, Raffl, and the mess Ryan thought she was making of her previously uncomplicated life.

The next day, more determined than ever, Michael showed up at Ryan’s house unannounced. She answered the door in her underwear and a Care Bears t-shirt from her childhood that now fit her long, but still narrow body like a too-tight crop top. He figured things were okay between them when she just eyed him up in silence and then turned from the door, leaving it open for him to come in.

He found her again in the kitchen, making coffee and biting into an apple. “I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot, but I am sorry, Ryan.”

“Maybe if you stopped doing stupid things you could stop having to say you’re sorry.”

“You’re right. I shouldn’t have asked. I shouldn’t have pushed.”

Ryan looked up and told him shortly, “She died, Raff. Don’t say you’re sorry for my loss or any of that shit, it was a long time ago. I just don’t like to think about it. And I don’t get along with anyone else in my family, so I don’t like to think about them either. I’m only telling you this so you’ll let it go. I don’t want to speak about her or them with you ever again because there’s nothing say. I know you’re…sweet and you like me for some odd reason, but I don’t want to share this part of my life with you so you need to let this go. If you don’t, I’m done, understand? This is non-negotiable. You now know all you’re ever going to know about my family. Drop it or I’ll drop you.”

Michael had a feeling that somewhere in the unspoken story of her family was the reason or reasons she could be the way she was: cold, distant, emotionally unavailable, using men for her own sexual pleasure and then casting them aside without a second thought about it. He also knew that her even giving him this much of an explanation was more than he could have hoped for. She had let him in today, into her house and into her past, even just a little. He took it and was so very grateful for it.

He told her with a smile, “Got it. I won’t mention it again.” Now he stepped towards her, pulling her into an embrace. “And that’s the second nicest thing you’ve said about me. Strong, sweet, sounds like a good boyfriend.”

“You’re just a guy I like to fuck, Raff. That’s it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure you’re one of the good guys, but still one I just want sex from. Don’t make it weird.”

“I think you like that I’m a little weird. Right? Right?”

He prodded her until she smiled and then he kissed her, pressing her against the kitchen counter and rubbing their bodies together as he did it.

When she broke the kiss, she was still grinning. “Hold on, buddy. I need to shower.”

“How convenient. So do I.”

“You’re telling me you came over here for sex when you’re all sweaty and smelly?”

Michael pulled off his shirt and then hauled her back against his body. “Don’t act like you don’t enjoy me all sweaty and smelly.”

Ryan answered by grunting and pressing her mouth against his chest and then licking towards his flat nipple, which she then nibbled. Michael grunted in return and started walking them towards the stairs. She kissed his skin until they hit the bathroom and they shed the rest of their clothes.

Under the steaming hot water of the shower, Michael did very little to help either of them get clean. Before she could even reach for soap or shampoo, he turned her around, hands and one cheek pressed against the cool tiles of her shower wall.

His hands moved easily over her wet skin as he caressed her back and sides with his wide palms. Ryan moaned softly, the sound both muffled by the noise of the shower and amplified by the acoustics of the bathroom.

Michael practiced patience now, too, his hands methodical in their movements, soft, gentle, just enough stimulation to tease her body into full blown arousal. He didn’t even want to be doing this if he was honest. He wanted to be back down in her kitchen, drinking her coffee, stealing bites of her apple, and talking about her life, her family, her.

Was he ever going to let this go? Probably not, but he needed to for now. This is what she wanted, no talking, his hands and now his mouth on her skin making her writhe and thrust her hips back towards him. This may be all she gave him for a long time. He needed to be patient, he reminded himself for about the hundredth time in the last twenty-four hours. Patience is a virtue, he thought again and again.

She had admitted he was a good guy, she knew in her heart of hearts she could trust him. At least that’s how Michael was choosing to interpret her statement. Even if she didn’t want to date him, yet, she trusted him. She had told him the truth, as much of it as she was willing to part with right now. That made him happy, that was enough to sustain him.

That little bit of trust was a foundation he could build a lifetime of happiness on. And if he had to lay down brick after brick doing this, fucking her senseless all day and night, injecting himself into her life until she relented and admitted she wanted him around for more than just sex, loving her until she finally saw the light for herself, he was strong enough to do all that. She had told him herself that he was one of the strong ones. She already knew it, now he would prove it to himself.

He was thinking all this when he was brought firmly back into the moment as Ryan’s ass stroked along the length of his cock and he noticed she was begging for him to fuck her.

Her panting breath could be heard even over the rush of the falling water. “Jesus, are you gonna make me get myself off?”

She would, too, he had no doubt about that. He liked a woman who said what she wanted, but he loved one who would just take it for herself. But not right now she wouldn’t. He pressed inside, his hips meeting her backside, his chest draped across her back, his mouth in her ear.

“I’m going to fuck you until you beg me to stop.”

He pumped into her roughly and she smiled as she gasped. “Clear your fucking schedule, Raff.”

He chuckled and licked along the length of her neck. “It’s officially summer, sweetheart, I have no schedule.”

“Fuck…me either. I have camp in a few weeks, but that’s only during the day, just for a month.”

He set a fast, but smooth pace, pressing in deep and stroking just right to drag the tip of his cock along her g-spot each time. “Mmm…just you and me, nothing to do but enjoy each other. I hope you’re ready to be sore.”

Oh, God, how she wanted to be sore for weeks, months. She could never get tired of this…of Raffl. He was dangerous, she knew this. The man wanted too much, sought parts of her she didn’t want anyone to see. And yet, she couldn’t resist him, no matter how hard she tried. They always ended up together again as if drawn by some unseen force.

She had been angry beyond belief after she left him yesterday, but still opened her door to him today, told him about her family, let him back in. She had meant it, she knew he was one of the good guys, but that made him even more menacing to the isolated life she had built for herself. Honestly, she had told him the truth to placate him, give the dog a bone so he would stay. She wasn’t ready to stop this yet, no matter how much she knew she should want to.

She craved this, him: the unforgiving pressure of his cock, his filthy words uttered in that sweet accent that made her blood pump faster in her veins. No matter how much she wanted to close herself off from people, she always found herself opening her body up for him, his touch. It was too good to resist. Ryan had known many men, but none of them had made her body react this way. She was utterly and completely addicted to him and almost happy about it, because the man made her body positively sing.

He pressed in harder, slightly faster and he covered her hands with his. She spread her fingers, welcoming his between them and he dove right in, folding his hand over the top of hers and making fists that he pressed against the wall.

“Ryan…fuck, this is so good, Ry.”

“God, yes, Mike…fuck me so good. No one fucks me like you, I swear to Christ. No one.”

It wasn’t everything, but it was enough. He thrust more deeply, forcing his feet and legs to balance in the slippery tub. Water beaded on her back and shoulders and he licked them clean, only to watch more water droplets form on her skin. He licked them again, thinking about taking her to bed after this and drinking his fill of her.

After she came and he followed and they washed up, he did just that. He had her on her bed, still dripping wet, her pussy bright pink and swollen from their fucking in the shower. He spread her open and licked the liquid wet from between her thighs until she screamed. Not satisfied, he held her down and started again until she cried out his name again, and then again.

Wickedly hard again, he took her roughly, being loud himself now that they had the whole house to themselves. With Contessa gone he felt a newfound freedom and he exploited it right away. While he was in the middle of fucking her, he had an idea and suddenly pulled out.

“What the fuck, Raff?”

“Come on.” He grabbed her hand, pulling her off the bed as she tried to follow on wobbly legs. He found Contessa’s old bedroom, Ryan’s spare room that still had a made bed if nothing else. Once there, he pushed her down onto the mattress as she smiled up at him.

“Nasty,” she said. “Kind of like people fucking in their parent’s bed almost.”

“Come home with me to Austria and we can do that, too.”

Ryan couldn’t even think about the implications of that statement because Michael was filling her again, plowing to the deepest part of her and jerking his hips at a wild pace. She hung on, opened for him, and enjoyed the ride.

It was hot, doing it in that bed where they both knew Contessa had fucked Crosby again and again during her time in the house. The season was over, but the Flyers/Penguins rivalry would always burn strong and Michael fucked her like he had something to prove, like he could out do Crosby just by pleasing Ryan in this bed. Silly and so very like a man, but Ryan wasn’t about to complain, not one bit.

She came with a strangled moan in her throat and then gasped when he pulled out and came on her stomach. “Okay, seriously. Was that necessary? Ugh.”

Only Ryan could go from the throngs of passion to being annoyed at him about getting her dirty. He didn’t care, not one bit. He sat back on his heels, hauled her into his lap and pressed their bodies together. He undulated his torso against her now slippery stomach and shared in the filth he had created.

Ryan started to giggle and she sounded so innocent when she did. Michael grinned at her. She admitted to him, “Alright, this is kind of hot, in a weird way.”

“Dirty, actually dirty. I love it. Rub me harder, I want to fuck you again.”

Her amused, but impressed reaction showed on her face. “Already? You literally just finished.”

“I told you, until you beg me to stop.”

She nodded her agreement, rubbed him harder, letting his come transfer to his body and drip between them onto his lap. He was still groaning over this when she pushed off of him and laid down on her stomach on the bed, taking his come smeared and still flaccid cock into her mouth.

He said again, “Dirty…so dirty, Ry. Don’t fucking stop.”

She sucked him until he was hard and then she was right back on his lap, grinding down on him with a vengeance until he came again and she came twice on his cock. When she threw her head back in ecstasy the first time, he leaned down and bit one her nipples so hard he almost drew blood, thus drawing out her orgasm even more. The second time, she pleaded with him to do it again and he was happy to do so.

They fell asleep in the soiled bed that had been Contessa’s and they didn’t move until night had fallen. Ryan woke up to Michael rubbing her back softly and she moaned, arching towards his touch.

“Are you going home tonight?”

Part one of his plan was working already: fuck her all day, nap, make her want him to spend the night. That way when he was around all the time, it would seem like her idea. He grinned only because she had her back to him and she couldn’t see his face. He bent to kiss her neck. “No, sweetheart, I’m not going home tonight.”

She peeled herself from the sticky sheets and turned in his arms. “Mmm, then fuck me again, Mike.”

“Say please.”

The famous Ryan eyeroll made an appearance, but she complied. “Please fuck me, you goddamn asshole.”

“You’ve got an irresistible charm about you.”

“Are you still talking?”

“Hmm, not for long.”

He was kissing her and then he was fucking her, all talking done. For now.

Notes