A Season of Firsts

3/2/16

"Cara? Baby, it's me. It's Jamie. Can I come in?"

No response. He could see her, sitting in the corner of the stall with her knees drawn up to her chest, stroking Finn's head as it rested against her shins. He could see the tear tracks on her face, too.

The horse turned away from Cara and came up to the stall door, snorting a warning.

Jamie spoke softly, in the low, calm tone he heard Cara use so often. "Hey, Finn, it's just me. I'm just checking on our girl, buddy." He offered his knuckles for the horse to sniff. Finn reached forward with flared nostrils and took in Jamie's scent. He snorted again and tossed his head but then stuck it over the door and nosed around Jamie's pockets.

Jamie chuckled. "Yes, I brought you a peace offering, ya big guard dog." He brought out the carrot he had stashed in his pocket and broke off a bite for Finn. The horse happily took it from him and crunched loudly as Jamie rubbed his forehead. "That's a good boy, Finn. Mind if I join you in there?" He scratched the horse's cheek in his favorite itchy spot for good measure. Finn closed his eyes and leaned into Jamie's hand.

"Cara, hon, I'm gonna come in, ok?" he called back to where she sat, now hugging her knees and staring blankly into space.

Still no response. That scared him. He cautiously slipped into the stall, running his hands over the horse soothingly. He approached slowly and knelt next to Cara. Finn nosed his back and pockets, looking for more carrot. Jamie broke him off another piece to keep him occupied, then turned his attention back to the girl huddled in the corner.

"Hey, Beautiful." He brushed her cheek with his fingertips. "I'm here, Baby. It's gonna be ok." She still didn't respond. He was getting really worried now. He sat next to her, facing her, and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her head onto his shoulder and rubbing her back. "Cara, please say something. You're scaring me, hon."

She didn't say anything, but she let go of her knees and put her arms around him. Then she quietly went to pieces. She sobbed into his shoulder and clutched his shirt, while he held her tightly and made soothing sounds. "It's ok, I've got you. I'm here. It's ok, Baby." He continued to rub her back and stroke her hair until her sobbing subsided and she caught her breath.

"C'mon, sweetheart, let me take you home, ok?"

She nodded into his shoulder and sat back, wiping her face with her sleeves. Jamie held her face in his hands and kissed her forehead. "That's my beautiful girl."

He stood up and pulled her up by the hands. She wobbled a little, lightheaded from standing too fast and from crying, and grabbed onto Jamie's arms. He pulled her close to him and held her steady, then leaned back a little and looked into her eyes. "You ok?"

She shook her head. "I feel dizzy," she whispered.

"Oh. Hold onto me, then. Just a sec, lemme give Finn the rest of his bribe and then we'll go." He gave the horse the last bit of carrot and patted him on the neck as he pushed him toward the far corner of the stall. Then he picked Cara up and carried her out, nudging the door open with his knee where he had left it slightly ajar, just in case. Cara tucked her head under his chin and closed her eyes.

Outside, he pushed the door shut with his foot, then carried Cara down the aisle to the small office in the center of the barn, where he ducked his head in the door to tell Maria that he was taking Cara home and ask her to take care of Finn.

"Of course," Maria said with a dismissive wave. "Thank you, Jamie. I didn't know how to help her. I'm glad you were home."

"Me too. Thank you for calling me. I'll take care of her."

"Can I help you get her in the car?"

"That'd be great, thanks."

Maria followed them to Jamie's car and opened the door after very awkwardly retrieving the keys from the pocket of his jeans, blushing furiously.

Jamie set Cara down in the passenger's seat and buckled her seatbelt, then closed the door and turned back to Maria, who handed him the keys and Cara's bag. He thanked her and walked around to the driver's side.

"I'll let you know tomorrow how she's doing, ok?"

"Yes, please do. Thank you."

Jamie nodded and buckled himself in and headed home, holding onto Cara's hand as he drove. She leaned against the window and fell asleep, totally exhausted.

…

Jamie made sure all the doors were open leading to his bedroom, then carefully lifted Cara from the car and carried her through the house, still fast asleep. He lay her gently down on his bed, pulled off her boots, and drew a blanket over her, then kissed her cheek and went to bring in her bag and close the garage. On the way back to the bedroom, he grabbed a water bottle and some ibuprofen. She was bound to have a headache when she woke up.

When he got back to the bedroom, she was still sleeping but not peacefully. She was curled into a ball and whimpering softly. Jamie set the water and pills on the table and sat next to her on the edge of the bed. He held her hand and ran his fingers through her hair.

"Shhhh, Baby, you're ok. I'm here. Shhhhh."

Cara continued to whimper and gripped his hand so tight it almost hurt. Then she suddenly started awake, screaming “No!”

"Cara. Cara, you're ok." He squeezed her hand and cradled her face. "Baby, hey, it's ok. Look at me." He tilted her face up toward his and kissed her forehead. "I'm here. You're at my house, ok?"

She sat up and flung herself into his chest, clinging to him like she might float away otherwise. He held her tight and rubbed her back, still making soothing noises as she trembled in his arms.

Eventually she stopped shaking and took a deep breath. "Sorry," she croaked, barely above a whisper.

"What? Why are you sorry?”

"For ... I dunno. I just ..." She sighed again.

"Cara Ryan." Jamie pushed her away from his chest and held her face in his hands, looking intently into her eyes. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Nothing. You hear me? I love you. Don't you ever apologize for needing me." He kissed her softly on the lips, then hugged her tightly back to his chest.

She melted into him, finally relaxing a little. "Thank you, then. Can I at least thank you?"

Jamie chuckled softly. "No thanks necessary either, but you're welcome." He rubbed her back and combed her hair with his fingers. "I brought you some water and some ibuprofen. I figure you've gotta have a headache after all that."

"Ugh, yes, I do. Thank you." She sat up and rubbed her eyes, took the pills from him, and drank half the water in one gulp.

He softly traced the side of her face and tucked her hair behind her ear. "Let me know when you wanna talk about it?"

Cara closed her eyes and sighed heavily, but nodded. "Not right now, ok?"

"Yeah, of course. When you're ready." Cradling the back of her head in his big hand, he pressed a kiss to her forehead. "You want something to eat? It's way past your normal lunch time."

"Maybe something small. I'm not very hungry."

"Whatever you want, Beautiful." He stood and helped her up, holding onto her in case she wobbled again. "Ok?"

She stood still for a minute, testing her equilibrium, and nodded. "Yeah I'm ok. Not dizzy anymore." She squeezed his arm. "You go ahead and I'll meet you in the kitchen."

Jamie frowned. "I don't want to leave you alone."

"I'm ok, Love." She patted his hip to encourage him to go. He didn't budge and looked at her suspiciously. "Jamie, I just gotta pee," she smiled.

He blushed. "Oh. Sorry. Ok, I'll be in the kitchen." He kissed her sweetly on the lips. "Just yell if you need me, ok?"

"You're sweet and I love you, but I can make it to the bathroom and the kitchen."

He held up his hands in surrender. "Ok ok I'm going." He walked away but called back over his shoulder, "I mean it though. Yell if you need me."

Cara giggled. "Go, dork!" She shooed him and turned toward the bathroom. When she was done, she took a little extra time while washing her hands to wash her face as well and take a few deep breaths. She was still pretty rattled, but she didn't want to worry Jamie any more than she already had — which she knew she was doing by taking so long. So she gathered herself and headed into the kitchen.

Jamie had made himself a sandwich and was just cutting it in half when she walked in. "I was just about to come check on you."

"Just wanted to clean up a little," she smiled.

"So what can I get you? Sandwich?"

"I think I'll just have some crackers for now."

"Ok I'll get them, you sit down." He kissed her temple and went into the pantry for the crackers while Cara got settled on a barstool. She was too tired to argue that she could get her own crackers. He could baby her if he wanted.

He returned a moment later, grabbed his sandwich, and joined her at the bar, kissing her temple as he handed her the crackers. They ate quietly, knees touching under the bar. Well, Jamie ate. Cara nibbled. Jamie noticed, but he didn't push. He finished his sandwich and put away his trash, then walked up behind her and put his arms around her.

"Baby, you don't have to eat if you're not hungry." He kissed her shoulder and rested his chin there.

"Hmm? Oh." She looked down at the crackers. "I guess I'm just ..." She trailed off, not sure what to say.

"Anything I can do?"

She sighed. "Can you lay down with me?"

"Of course." He kissed her cheek and held her hand as she hopped down from the barstool, then followed her back to the bedroom.

"I'm gonna change out of these funky clothes first," Cara explained as she fished through the dresser for something to change into. "I smell like horse."

Jamie chuckled as he sat on the bed. "Ok, I'll be right here."

When she emerged from the bathroom, he was lying on his side, head propped on his elbow. He watched her with concern in his eyes but a small smile on his lips. Worried as he was, she was still beautiful, and his, and he loved her, and that made him smile.

Cara noticed and gave him a small smile in return. She climbed into bed and curled up with her back against his chest, and he wrapped his whole body around her.

She fell into an uneasy sleep, clutching his arm to her chest, her brows drawn together and her breathing uneven. When he felt tears roll down her cheek onto his arm, he hugged her tightly and spoke to her softly. "Cara, Baby wake up. It's over. You're here with me. Shhhh. It's ok."

When she opened her eyes, she took a deep, ragged breath. Blinking away tears, she turned around in his arms and buried her face in his chest. He held her and rubbed her back and stroked her hair until her breathing evened back out. "It's not fair," she whispered.

"Baby, you gotta talk about it. C'mon, I'm here. Just tell me."

She nodded. "I'll try. I just ... Ok, I'll try."

He pulled her face up to his and kissed her deeply. And for a moment, she forgot everything else but his lips on hers. When they broke the kiss, she smiled softly up at him.

"I love you. So much," she said.

"Good because I love you and you're stuck with me."

That got a chuckle out of her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, then began very quietly, "Natalie and I were out in the woods. She was riding Jake, one of the newer horses, getting him used to the trails. I was on Finn. We try to go out in at least pairs — for safety." She looked up at Jamie, eyes wide. "Oh god, what if she'd been alone ..." She had to stop and collect herself for a moment. Jamie waited patiently, hand on her arm, rubbing it softly.

Another deep breath, and she continued, "There was a noise in the underbrush — an animal I guess — and Jake spooked. He jumped about three feet sideways — he almost dumped Nat but she managed to hang on — and his butt hit a sapling, which spooked him more, and he tried to turn and bolt back to the barn, but he lost his footing and went down, twisted up sideways, and landed on Nat, up against a big tree. There was an awful crack when they hit the tree ... oh god." Her eyes went wide in horror. "Oh god, I'm gonna be sick." She jumped off the bed and ran to the bathroom. Jamie followed, wincing as she threw up the little bit of food in her stomach. He knelt behind her and held her hair and rubbed her back. When she stopped retching, she collapsed against him and sobbed in his arms until she couldn't do that anymore either. All he could do was hold her and let her cry.

"It was her head." The words came out barely audible. "The crack. It was her helmet hitting the tree. It happened so fast, I didn't realize it then. But that's what it was."

"God, Cara, I'm so sorry. Sorry you had to see that, that you had to hear that.” He crushed her to his chest, still sitting on the bathroom floor. “Baby, I'm so sorry."

A moment later, she pushed him away. "I gotta get outta here. I need air. I can't breathe." She stood up and walked quickly, Jamie at her heels, out the door in the bedroom that led to the back yard. She braced her hands on a patio chair and took deep breaths until she didn't feel like she was going to faint.

Quietly, Jamie waited until she didn't look so panicked, then stepped closer and put a hand on her back. He was relieved when she immediately turned and clung to him. "I didn't mean to smother you," he apologized.

Stepping back, she looked up at him and put her hand on his cheek. "Oh, no, Love, you didn't. It wasn't you. I just got a little overwhelmed, and maybe overheated in that small space, and I thought I was going to pass out. I'm ok now. Really."

He kissed her softly. "You ok to keep going? You don't have to."

She sighed heavily but nodded. "Yeah I need to. I need to talk it out. Thank you for staying with me. It's helping. I know it may not seem like it, but it is."

"Whatever you need."

She pulled him over to the pool and sat down with her feet in the water. He sat behind her with his legs on either side of hers and wrapped her up in his arms. After another deep breath, she picked up where she'd left off.

"So Jake fell up against the tree —" Cara squeezed her eyes shut "— and he thrashed around for a minute before he managed to stand up. He’d hurt himself, so he didn’t try to run off, just stood there with one leg off the ground. I jumped off of Finn and threw his reins over a branch and went over to them really slow so I didn’t scare Jake. I was more worried about Natalie, so I tied Jake over by Finn — who for once was being a good influence — and went back over to her. She wasn't moving.”

Tears streamed down Cara’s cheeks. Not wanting to interrupt, Jamie stayed quiet but held her tighter.

“I called Maria — I always wear my bluetooth when we’re trail riding so my hands are free to deal with the horse and stuff. I told her what happened, and she had me stay on the line while she called EMS and the vet on the barn phone. She talked to me, kept me calm. She had me check Nat’s pulse. It was faint, but it was there. She was breathing. But she wasn’t moving at all.”

She had to pause for a moment and just cry. All Jamie could do was try to comfort her, pressing his lips to her temple and murmuring comforting words. She went on when she could talk again.

“It took about 15 minutes for EMS to get there — it felt like hours. They were really careful, but when they started to move her, she stopped breathing. Maria — she’d come with them to show them where we were — she pulled me over to the horses where I couldn’t hear or see what was going on. She made me focus on keeping them calm so Jake didn’t injure himself more. The vet got there a few minutes later, and I had to explain again what happened. By then, they had taken Nat away. The vet looked Jake over and told us the leg was broken in at least one place but he wouldn’t know more without x-rays. He splinted it and they had me lead Finn out ahead of him really really slowly so he would have another horse to follow and keep him calm. Finn was such a good boy, so quiet and calm. I think he knew I was out of it. He just kept his head over my shoulder — you know, the way he does over the stall door?” Jamie hummed assent, and she continued. “It took forever to get out of the trees to where the trailer was waiting, we had to walk so slow. When they had Jake in the trailer, I got up on Finn and rode him back to the barn and untacked him and brushed him down, kind of all on autopilot.”

Leaning back into his chest, she closed her eyes. He kissed her cheek and ran his hands up and down her arms. She turned her head to look into his eyes, so full of concern, and reached a hand up to pull him into a kiss. It was soft, and sweet, and sad, and when it was over, he kissed all over her face because he knew it would get a giggle, which it did. Smiling up at him, she kissed his lips one more time before turning back to look at their feet dangling in the water.

“Thank you, Love. Anyway, while I was putting him back in his stall, Maria came to tell me about Nat and Jake.” She took a deep, shuddering breath, and he closed his hands around hers and squeezed.

“She said Jake had wigged out in the trailer and rammed his leg against the wall so hard that it basically shattered, and they had to put him down.”

Tears ran down Cara’s face again, but she kept going. “Nat … they never got her breathing again. Her spinal cord was damaged so close to her brain that her whole body just shut down. At least she probably didn't feel any of it. I guess when Maria told me, I kind of freaked out. I remember hugging her and crying and telling her I just wanted to hug Finn for a while and her telling me she'd be in the office if I needed her, and I remember shutting the stall door and holding onto Finn for dear life, but I don't really remember much else until you got there. I don't know how long I sat there in the corner. I only sort of remember you bringing me here — did you carry me?”

“Yeah you were dizzy, so I carried you to the car, and then you were sleeping, so I carried you into the house. Maria said you were in there with Finn for like two hours before she called me. She said you wouldn't answer her and Finn got testy when she tried to get you up and out. She said he was calm as long as no one bothered you. He makes a good guard dog, that horse. I had to bribe him with a carrot and a good scratch,” he laughed.

“I love that nut. We get each other. And I love that he trusts you as much as I do. Thank you for coming to get me. I just … I couldn't deal. It was too much.”

“I was really worried when you wouldn't say anything. I've never seen you look so small and … broken. You're always so much bigger than your little body, so full of fire. It was scary.”

“I'm sorry I scared you.” She barely got the words out before she was sobbing against his chest.

“Shhhhh, I told you there's no need. You couldn't help it. I'm a big boy, I can handle it. I'm so sorry about Natalie, and Jake too. I can't even imagine how you feel. It's terrible.” He rocked her gently in his arms until she cried herself out.

When she had run out of tears, she looked up at him and said, “Let's go back inside. I just wanna curl up on the couch with you and watch a movie or something. Ok?”

“Anything you want, Beautiful.” He kissed her forehead and stood up, then reached down to help her up. But as he pulled her to standing, he leaned too far forward and lost his balance, grabbing onto her and pulling her with him as he fell into the pool.

When they surfaced, Jamie reached for Cara, pulling her close. “You ok? I'm sorry, I just lost my bal- … are you laughing?”

She was. In fact, she was laughing so hard she could barely breathe. Standing in chest-deep water, fully clothed, holding onto Jamie's shoulders to stay upright, she leaned against his chest and laughed her head off. After a moment of stunned silence, he couldn't help but join in — her laugh was infectious. They stood there, cackling like maniacs, holding each other up, for a solid five minutes before it occurred to them that while the pool was heated, the air was not.

Cara was first to catch her breath. “I’m freezing,” she giggled.

“Yeah it’s a little cool for swimming,” he agreed. He picked her up easily, and she wrapped her legs around him as he walked to the steps and out of the pool. He set her down at the door and started stripping out of his clothes.

She giggled again. “What are you doing?”

“I don’t want to soak the carpet!” he giggled. “Besides, no one can see us. And it’s not like you haven’t seen all this before,” he winked with a hand wave down his body.

With another laugh, she shrugged and started stripping out of her clothes too. “Why not?”

When they were both naked, they darted, shivering, through the bedroom and into the bathroom. Jamie grabbed a towel and wrapped it around Cara, but she shook her head. “I’m gonna take a hot shower. Join me?” She smiled up at him hopefully.

“Of course,” he said, and kissed her softly. “I didn't mean to dunk you in the pool, but I'm not sorry. I'd do it again to hear you laugh like that and see that pretty smile.”

Another giggle escaped her lips. “It was just so ridiculous, after everything today, to end up in the pool, in our clothes.” She smiled up at him. “I needed that. I needed some comic relief. Thank you.”

“Always happy to be your clown.” He stuck out his tongue and crossed his eyes. Cara laughed and wrapped her arms around him with her cheek pressed against his chest. Dropping the towel, he hugged her tightly and kissed the top of her head.

“I love you, clown. Let's go get warm.” With a wink, she took his hand and led him to the shower. Jamie could only smile and follow her lead.

Notes