A Season of Firsts

5/6

“Hey Babe I can’t find my phone, can you call it?” Jamie called to Cara from the bedroom.

“Mine’s on my nightstand I think,” she replied from the bathroom, where she was putting her hair into a ponytail. “Go for it.”

Jamie grabbed her phone off the table and unlocked it, fat fingered the Safari icon instead of the phone one next to it — and stopped dead. The title “The Abortion Pill” screamed at him in big black letters. He stared at it for a moment, brows knitted together, trying to think of any possible reason she would be looking that up, other than the obvious, which he didn’t want to think about. He was yanked from his thoughts when she walked into the room.

“Find it?” she asked. Then she saw his face and stopped in her tracks.

Turning the screen around to show her, he asked quietly, “What’s this about?”

Eyes wide, she glanced from the phone to his face and back, unable to think, to move.

The fear in her eyes wasn’t reassuring. Jamie blinked hard and sighed. “Was it for you?”

“Yes, but I didn’t —”

“Were you going to tell me?”

“No, but —”

“Get out,” Jamie growled.

“What?”

“Get. Out.”

“Jamie, no. Don’t —”

“Get the fuck out of my house!” he roared, throwing her phone across the room.

Wincing, she started to really worry. She had never seen him this angry. She couldn’t just leave. She had to fix this. Fuck, but she’d made a mess of it. “Jamie, I’m sorry!” she cried. “I freaked out! I wasn’t thinking straight — ”

Hurt and furious beyond words, Jamie grabbed her by the shoulders and half-pushed, half-dragged her — begging him to stop, to let her explain, to talk to her — to the front door, opened it, and with all the self control he possessed, gently but forcefully set her outside, pushed the door closed, and locked it. He then punched a hole in the nearest wall and silently sank down to the floor with his back to the door, holding his hand but not really feeling the busted knuckles.

Outside, Cara pounded on the door, crying and screaming “Jamie no, Jamie please, I didn’t” over and over again until she was hoarse and out of breath. She continued to slam her palms into the wood as she fell to her knees on the mat, crying “no no no …” in between sobs. For a good half hour, she sat there, crying so hard she was almost hyperventilating, futilely hitting the door, shredding her voice trying to make Jamie hear her.

Jamie heard everything but was too paralyzed by rage and shock to get off the floor, whether to doctor his hand or escape the sounds outside or give in to the urge to let her back in, to comfort her, tell her everything was ok. It wasn’t ok. Nothing was ok. Tears trickled down his face as he sat with his head thrown back against the door.

When the police arrived — a concerned neighbor had heard the commotion — the two of them were sitting silently on either side of the door, miserable mirror images of each other, shoulders and temples pressed to the wood as if they were leaning on one another. After the they (separately) explained the situation to the officers, and it was clear that no one was in any actual danger other than heartbreak, they were scolded for disturbing the peace and warned to keep it civil, but no charges were filed.

By the time the police left, Jamie had calmed down enough that he didn’t feel like his heart was trying to escape through his ears anymore. His stomach was still in knots, but he was pretty sure he could control his temper. He found Cara in their bedroom, halfheartedly packing an overnight bag.

“We should talk,” he said quietly.

“Oh now you want to talk?” she croaked, her voice so shot from her earlier screaming that it was barely audible.

“Not really. But we should.”

Cara whirled on him, her eyes shooting daggers. “You throw me out of the house without listening to a word I have to say, then let me scream myself hoarse until someone calls the cops, but now you think we should behave like rational adults. Absolutely, Jamie. Let’s. Let’s talk about how I do one thing wrong and you throw me out like garbage.”

“One thing wrong?” he asked incredulously. “Cara, you didn’t forget to close the garage door. You didn’t leave the water running in the bathtub. You were going to abort my baby. Without asking my opinion. Without even letting me know. You tried to hide it. It may be one thing, but it’s a huge fucking thing.”

Cara sat down on the bed, hard, the wind knocked out of her by his words. “Oh god,” she gasped. She put her hands on her knees and leaned forward, trying to breathe. “Shit.” She couldn’t get enough air. “Shit shit shit shit.”

Jamie glared at her for a moment but then began to worry. “Cara, calm down, you’re gonna pass out.” She kept gasping and cursing, and Jamie knelt in front of her and made her look him in the eyes. “Cara, breathe. Cara. Listen to me. You’ve got to breathe. Deep breaths.” He demonstrated with a deep breath of his own. “C’mon, breathe with me, Baby.” He took her hand and placed it on his chest. “Nice and easy, just like this.” He rubbed her back with his other hand, slow and steady, to the rhythm of his breathing. Little by little, she took deeper breaths, staring intently into his eyes, and the panic started to subside some. He got up and sat beside her on the bed, hugged her to his chest, still rubbing her back, and made soft shushing sounds.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie,” she cried against him. A hundred miles an hour, she babbled, “I freaked out. I should’ve told you. I couldn’t have gone through with it anyway. I just —”

“Cara, just breathe, ” he interrupted. “Calm down, eh? You gotta calm down.” He kissed the top of her head and sighed heavily. It didn’t matter how angry he was, he loved her, and he couldn’t stand to see her scared or hurt. This full-blown panic terrified him. He hugged her tighter and murmured soft, soothing words into her hair.

Cara went from clinging to Jamie like a life preserver to nestling into his heartbeat like a security blanket. He wasn’t so angry he wouldn’t hold her. Everything would be ok. Her breathing evened out, her heart stopped racing.

“Baby, you ok now?” he asked softly sometime later. Cara nodded. “I’m not gonna throw you out, I promise. But we need to talk about this. Help me understand why. I just … I don’t understand.”

Reluctantly, she pulled away from him to look at his face. His brows were drawn together, but he was calm, and his eyes looked more hurt than angry. She couldn’t stand seeing the pain in them, so she looked down at her hands, fidgeted with the sleeve of her shirt. Taking a deep breath, she tried to explain. “It was stupid. God, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking. I should’ve just told you. I …”

“Baby, slow down. Don’t get all panicky on me again, eh?” He grabbed her hands and held them still. “Start from the beginning. Nice and slow. What happened? I thought you were on birth control.”

“I was. I am,” she corrected. “But I missed a couple of pills, and then I was late, and —”

“How late?”

“Four days.”

“That’s not that late, is it?”

“I’ve never been more than a day late in my life, Jamie.”

“Oh.”

“So I kinda freaked out. I skipped the whole ‘take a home pregnancy test, call your mom, go to the doctor’ step and went straight to ‘find a way to undo this.’ Which was stupid and irrational and —”

“Baby, why didn’t you tell me? You never even mentioned it. You didn't need to freak out. At least not alone.”

“You were busy. I didn’t want to be a distraction. I didn’t want to screw up this series for you.”

“Cara. Hockey is important to me. This series is important. But it’s not more important than you, and it’s definitely not more important than a baby. My baby. Our baby. You can’t just decide what’s important for me. For us .”

“I know.” Blinking back tears, she cleared her throat. “I know. I was scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“That you’d be mad, that you’d hate me, that you’d run screaming, that you’d think it wasn’t yours ...”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know. It was right after the whole Jordie incident and I guess I …”

“Jesus, Cara, I thought I had made that up to you, that I was just stressed and dumb and —”

“Like you’re not more stressed now? Jamie, I said it was stupid. I see it now. But at the time, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I just reacted. Overreacted. I just … I don’t know, lost my mind, I guess.”

They were both quiet for a moment, trying to sort through all the emotions and information. Finally, Jamie spoke, very softly, so softly she could barely hear him.

“You said you couldn’t go through with it. Does that mean …”

“That I’m pregnant? No. No, I … I started. Yesterday. Just late, I guess, from messing up my pills. So no. There’s no baby.”

He couldn’t help letting out a sigh — of relief? of disappointment? He wasn’t sure. Maybe both. But Cara winced, and he instantly regretted it.

“Baby, no. Look at me. Cara, please.” He tucked her hair behind her ear and lifted her chin. “Sweetheart, come on. I need you to look at my face.” Sighing, she looked up at him. “I want babies with you. So many beautiful, green-eyed babies.” Happy tears welled up in those green eyes at the loving, earnest look on his face. “But I don’t think we’re ready yet. And I’ve gotta be able to trust you. You can’t hide things from me, especially not big things like this, not even if you’re trying to help me. Ok?”

“Ok,” she nodded. “I was so scared, Jamie. I thought I’d ruined everything. I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” he interrupted. “This is just … new. We haven’t ever talked about kids or anything. But you remember what you told me when I jumped to conclusions about you and Jordie?”

Cara blushed, looking at her hands again. “Yeah. Yeah, I do. Talk, fight, scream, whatever.”

“Yeah. Same goes for you. You gotta talk to me. We may fight, but that’s better than running away.”

Nodding, Cara smiled up at him sheepishly. “Do you really want babies with me? Someday, I mean.”

“I do. I want a bunch of little mini-Caras to spoil,” he said softly. “Not now , ideally, but I want that with you. I love you, woman, even if you drive me crazy.” Struck by sudden self-doubt, Jamie turned ten shades of pink and near-whispered, “Do you ? Want kids, I mean … with me?”

“God, yes,” she bubbled. “I love kids, you know that. I want to be a mom. I want to teach them to ride and fish and kick butt at Scrabble and all kinds of other things. And I would be a big puddle of goo if they looked up at me with those big chocolate eyes that you’re aiming at me right now.”

“We’ll just have to have several then. A couple beautiful princesses with your eyes and a couple little monsters with mine,” he grinned.

“Oh god, if they have your dimples I’m ruined. Ruined, I tell you!”

Laughing, Jamie wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in for a deep, emotional kiss. “We’re gonna be terrible parents,” he giggled. “Someday.”

“Someday,” she agreed.

Notes