It Feels Like

Training camp was scheduled to start in two days, but he felt like he wasn't ready. He told everyone he was, but it was just lip service to his new coach, to ownership, to the media. All he could do was hope that he hit his stride when the pre-season started. Another bad year and they would try to buy his contact and cut their losses. Nothing was more frustrating than knowing he could deliver, yet not being able to do so after years of consistency.

His phone rang and he jumped off the stationary cycle to take the call away from the noise of the Rangers exercise facility.

"Hey, Norm."

"You back in town, Richie?"

"Last week," he replied. He'd known Norm for several years. When he had just started out in his career, a manager had introduced them. Norm had helped him double his salary through the right investments. It could be risky, but the payoff was worth it. And with the size of his paychecks, he could afford to take the risks.

"Your clothing designer was in here this afternoon."

Brad swallowed and tried to ignore the twist in his heart and the shame he felt when he thought of her. "Her name is Keri," he told his friend and business partner.

"Keri Anglin," Norm replied, his smile evident in his voice. "She shut me down this afternoon."

"What?"

"Now that the divorce is final, I figured it couldn't hurt to ask her out. She's sexy as hell. Patty would be so pissed if I showed up to her fucking restaurant with a woman like that. She'd put Patty to shame, looking all hot and classy in those tight business suits she wears when she struts her fine ass in here. I thought you were nuts before, giving her all that cash without strings attached, but I owe you one."

Brad felt a hot flash of jealousy. "Did she say yes?"

"No. But I'll work on her. She's coming in at the end of the month, and I thought a gift would win her over."

“She’s off limits.” Brad didn’t realize what had come out of his mouth until it was hanging in the air.

Norm cleared his throat. “What’s that Richie?”

“Don’t mess with her,” he told his friend.

“Hey, man, I’m not messing with her. I really do like her. She’s great. Feisty and shit.”

Brad didn’t say anything because he felt like the vein in his forehead was going to bust open. He’d left the City, ran back home, and then spent the summer training and playing golf. He’d been the one to walk away because he was too ashamed to handle that his safe haven finally knew who and what he was: a hockey player in the declining twilight of his career, reduced to the fourth line and then scratched because he couldn’t keep up.

“Do you two have a thing or something?” Norm asked when Brad didn’t respond.

“Or something,” Brad said. “I’m just asking you not to touch her. I... she’s...”

“She get under your skin, Richie?”

“Yeah.”

Norm laughed. “Man, I totally understand. She’s got that way about her. I’ll back off if you want her. But if you don’t make a move, then I’m all over her like white on rice.”

Brad ran a hand through his hair. He didn’t have a lock on her. She didn’t owe him anything; she probably hated him. “Has she said anything about me?”

“She said you’re an asshole and she doesn’t want your money.”

“But she agreed.”

Norm snorted. “Yeah, but when she got wind that you were behind it, she started playing hardball. That’s when she cut off your ability to make a profit. And like a pussy-whipped loser, you agreed to let her pay you back interest-free without getting an ounce of equity in that shit.”

“She’s doing well?”

“Like fire. She’ll have you paid back in six months at the most. I’m a little sweet on her, so I pulled some strings of my own with a few owners.”

“She and I have a... history.”

“Say no more,” Norm said. “But if she tells you to take a hike, then I’m up to bat. You can’t bogart that.”

**************************

It took him another two weeks to work up the nerve to walk into the diner. They had played two pre-season games, and he was shaky. He couldn’t take another bad season, especially if she wasn’t going to be around. Just the sight of the diner tightened his chest. There were so many bad memories associated with it. And so many good memories, too.

She had probably quit, but he couldn’t help himself. Brad pretended he would walk in there, take a seat at the counter in front of her, and they could start again. And he could do it right this time.

The bells jingled as he pushed the door open. The older lady with her graying hair held back by a net was pouring coffee for customers at the counter. Brad sat down at the end and waited patiently. The schedule was posted where it’d always been. Helen, Aurelia, and Fran. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t disappointed.

“Well, if it ain’t Mr. Moody,” the waitress said as she walked up to him. Her name tag said Helen. “You getting hot chocolate, honey?”

“I was looking for Keri,” he replied.

Helen smiled and gave him a knowing look. “She don’t work here any more. Quit almost two months ago. She’s a clothing designer, you know.”

Brad nodded. “I know.”

“She still comes in now and then. Gave me a pretty blouse the last time she stopped by. She’s a sweet girl.”

“I know,” he repeated.

“You messed up, huh?”

“Yes.” Brad dropped his gaze and looked at the countertop.

Helen leaned forward and whispered, “She’s still living in the same place, last I heard.”

“Did she tell you who I am?”

The woman’s brow furrowed. “Who you are?”

“What I do,” he clarified.

“No, what do you do?”

He almost found it unbelievable. For ten years his name and career had defined him. Anyone he interacted with invariably told everyone else that they had spoken to, gone out with, or hung out with Brad Richards, NHL player. They were in New York and if Keri had told her co-workers about him, they would have remembered that he was a professional athlete for one of the city’s more popular professional teams. But she hadn’t. She hadn’t told them.

“I play hockey,” he told her as he pushed away from the counter and headed toward the door. The knowledge that Keri hadn’t bragged about her relationship with him was a blow. It hurt because he knew he had fucked up something that was real.

**************************

Norm had told him when she would be coming by: four o’clock on a Friday afternoon. The last pre-season game was at home on Saturday. He was thankful for the lucky break that allowed him to see her. He stood in the corner of the conference room with its amazing view and plush, expensive chairs. Norm had gone to meet her in the lobby of the suite and bring her back. And Brad felt like he was either going to sink into the ground in shame over what he’d done to her or burst out of the conference room and sweep her out of the building and back to his apartment.

Maybe he shouldn’t. Last season had been a disaster. And he’d seen her for a good part of that disaster. As much as he wanted her, maybe she was bad luck. Then again, he’d been a mess before he even started going into the diner. And even thought he felt more confident entering into this season, his performance was still shaky, not what he wanted it to be. That was all him because he hadn’t seen her in months.

Norm turned the corner and Brad saw Keri walking behind him, her face tilted down to look at a folder of papers in her hand. She was in a pair of tailored black slacks and a green blouse that was tucked into the pants and snug over her breasts. Her hair was pulled up into a loose bun, tendrils floating down her neck. He swallowed. She looked amazing and sophisticated and perfect.

Norm pushed open the door, and she looked up to enter the room. Before she stepped instead, she saw him standing in the corner. Her hazel eyes locked with his, and she stopped mid-stride.

Without a word, she flipped the folder closed and turned on her heel, walking back down the hall and around the corner.

Norm looked at Brad and then at Keri’s retreating back. “What the hell did you do to her, man?”

Brad pushed past his friend and jogged down the hallway, around the corner, down another hall and into the lobby of the suite. The frosted glass door was shutting behind her.

“Keri,” he called out, pushing the door open, hoping to catch her at the elevators. She was gone, and the stairwell door was banging shut. For a moment, he considered going after her. She’d been in heels, and he was sure he could catch up if she was trying to run down more than forty flights of stairs. But he didn’t know what he would say once he caught up to her. I’m sorry. I was an asshole. I shouldn’t have left you. Would you have dinner with me and give me another chance?

He stood in the elevator lobby and remembered sitting in his condo by the windows with her in his lap as they drank Champagne. He’d give anything to rewind and take her to bed that night, make love to her when he wasn’t feeling like a piece of shit.

“Where did she go?” Norm asked, pushing open the door to the suite and looking at Brad.

“I don’t know.”

“What the hell kind of history do you two have together, Richie?”

“A complicated one.”

***************************

“She made this?” Hank asked, looking at the shirt Brad was wearing with a shrewd eye.

“Yeah, I referred her to a business partner of mine. She’s sold her stuff to a bunch of high-end men’s clothing stores in the City.”

“What’s the catch, Richie?”

“No catch. You like the shirt?”

“I do,” Hank agreed.

Brad nodded. “Well, I told Norm Rainey that an important potential client would be at the wine tasting. He’s going to suggest she come and speak to you about some custom work to boost the word of mouth on her line.”

“It sounds like you want to speak to her.” Hank was smiling at him.

“She hates my guts,” Brad admitted.

“So, I’m the bait to get her close enough that you can plead your case, yes?”

Brad pressed his lips together. Well, if you put it that way, he felt like a jerk. “Yeah,” he finally admitted.

“I’ll do what I can so you can get your woman,” Hank replied, clapping Brad on the back.

*************************************

She walked into Hotel Chantelle in a black satin dress with capped sleeves. It hugged her curves and fell to mid calf. Her hair was in loose curls falling halfway down her back. She looked sexy but classy. And Brad wondered where the sweet waitress from the diner who served him hot chocolate had gone. Obviously, he didn't know everything about Keri.

He watched her from a corner table. She walked over to the bar and was served a glass of wine. She looked nervous, like she was out-of-place without anyone to talk to. He wanted to go over and spend the entire evening with her, but was afraid she'd run out on him like she did at the office a few days ago. Hank walked by and caught Brad's eye before glancing at Keri. Brad nodded in confirmation. That's her. Of course that's her.

Hank sauntered over and leaned against the bar, chatting with her. He was married and in love with his wife, but Brad felt that familiar itch of jealousy. It was a problem since she didn't seem to want anything to do with him.

Del Zotto sat down across from him. "Who is she?"

Brad didn't even take his eyes off her. "Keri."

"Jealous of Hank?"

"No." That was a lie.

"I am. She's pretty sexy."

Irritation surged through Brad. Why did these guys keep looking at her? "She's too old for you," he snapped.

"Oh, yeah?" Del Zotto leaned forward in his chair, studying her from afar. "She doesn't look much older than me."

"She's thirty-one."

Del Zotto grinned. "Damn. I wouldn't mind her showing me a few things."

"She's off limits." Brad's hands were balled up in fists underneath the table. What if she never gave him another chance? What if she started dating one of his teammates or Norm. And then he'd have to see her, knowing he could never have her. And it was all because he fucked up and ran away.

"Don't be greedy. You and her got a thing?"

"Had a thing."

"You in love, Richie?"

Brad stood up. Looking down at the younger man, he said, "None of your business, Del Z."

Del Zotto stood up, too. "Maybe I'll go talk to her. Make her feel more comfortable."

Instead of responding, Brad turned and walked away. Slinking over into another corner, closer to the bar, he watched her laugh at something Hank had said, nodding in agreement. True to his word, Del Zotto approached the two of them and held out his hand to Keri.

Notes