Happiness Is Overrated

Eric didn't sleep that night. It didn't help that he had to sleep on the leather couch and just a little bit drunk from an evening out with his former team mates. But even if he had been in his own bed, he seriously doubted he would have been able to get a single second of sleep. At first he had tossed and turned, trying to find a comfortable spot to slip into unconsciousness, but after a few hours he had relegated himself to laying on his back and staring up at the lights from the traffic outside passing over the ceiling.

He had heard Arthur get out of bed a few times during the night, but he couldn't bring himself to get up. Eric didn't want to think about it, but he was almost 100 percent positive that Arthur had come into the living room at least once or twice during the night. He didn't want to admit to himself that he could smell how close Arthur was. He didn't want to think about how while Arthur stood just a few feet away, he couldn't stop keeping his eyes closed. Even as he heard the hitches in Arthur's breath, he couldn't bring himself to just let the wall that he had built between them come down for even a second.

Eric hated just how fucking stubborn living with Arthur had made him.

He was thankful that Arthur had left the apartment before Ash arrived to pick him up. He was dreading the concept of having an emotional break down in front of Arthur before he left. Once he was dressed and sort of acceptable looking for going out into society, Eric locked the door behind him and never looked back. He didn't even take a moment to look the place over one more time; he didn't want any last minute memories surfacing and making him change his mind.

“So you're really leaving.” Ash said as Eric closed the passenger side door of Ash's car.
“Yup.” Eric said, rolling down the window to let in the crisp morning air. “Going, going, gone."
“I wish you would tell me more as to why,” Ash began as he pulled out into traffic and headed down the busy road. “But I'm not gonna pry. It's none of my business.”
“I've pretty much told you everything that there is to tell.” Eric lit a cigarette. It was a nasty habit he had picked up the last couple months of living with Arthur. “I mean, you've pretty much lived through it with me, anyway.”
“But I know there's so much that you're not telling me. Successful team captains don't just suddenly pack up their lives and move to a shitty team in a shitty division.”
“The Narwhals really aren't all that bad.” Eric huffed. “And I told you before; this isn't about the game. This is about me.”
“That is such bullshit, man.” Ash shook his head. “I don't get why you two couldn't just solve your problems off of the ice.”
“It has nothing to do with him.” Eric flicked his ashes angrily out the window, crinkling his nose. It was so pathetic how transparent he was.
“The fuck it doesn't, dude.” Ash pulled into the parking lot of a diner they frequented often. “But fuck all that noise. I want to have a proper meal before I have to sit and cry in the airport terminal for ten minutes with you.”

“So, have they said anything about making you an alternate or anything?” Ash asked as they were seated in their regular booth.

“It's been tossed around, but even if they do offer it, I'll probably turn it down.” Eric said as he perused the menu, even though he knew what he was getting. He was simply trying to make these last few moments with the man who was arguably his best friend as normal as possible. “And it's only a year contract. If anything comes out of it, I might consider it.”

“But you're built to lead, dude.” Ash sighed.

“I just don't want the pressure anymore.” Eric shrugged as he closed his menu. “I just want to play hockey. I don't want to be a baby sitter anymore.”

“You'll never stop being the Mother Hen, no matter what team you're on.”

Eric sighed as he looked out the window. The grey cloudy sky reflected perfectly how he felt; crappy and cold.

“You're probably right.” He said, resting his chin in his hand. “But I've got try and get away from that. I don't know how much longer I can keep going if I don't.”

“You can't fight who you are, Eric.” Ash said after they ordered their food.

Eric really wasn't feeling up to being berated on his last day in the city. He merely shrugged, before sitting in silence until their food arrived. They both ate in relative silence, both of them knowing what the other would say. Ash would try and get Eric to admit that he didn't want to go, that he still wanted to try and patch things up and keep playing with his best friends. But Ash knew that Eric would never admit defeat. Maybe a couple years ago he would have, just for the sake of going with the flow and not wanting to cause problems. But all those years of being pushed around and tossed aside, Eric had become bitter and cold.

Everyone had noticed it, too. Even when he was a rookie, he was a warm and ever-friendly presence on and off the ice. He cared about everyone, and made sure that every single one of his team mates felt welcome and safe within the organization. He could plan outings and charity events for the team, he would make visits and take players out when he knew they were feeling down.

“So, are you going to keep in touch,” Ash finally broke the silence as their empty dishes were taken away. “Or are you going to forget us all completely.”

Eric looked at him incredulously.

“You really think I'm going to ignore all you assholes?” He smirked. “I like you all too much to be a total prick.”

“We were all worried that you were going to drop off the face of the Earth.” Ash smiled as they departed the diner.. “We were starting to freak out; how are we supposed to survive with Mama Eric?”

“You can all just jump off a bridge.” Eric punched him playfully in the arm.

The ride to the airport was filled with equally light-hearted banter; mostly jokes about the past and remembering some of the more humorous moments of their tenure together. It made Eric feel good, knowing that he was leaving the team on a happy enough note. They would remember him in a good light, and hopefully when their paths would cross, they wouldn't be too hard on him. While Eric was smiling on the outside, his insides were burning with guilt. How could he leave a team that loved him so.

But as they parked the car and began walking to the terminal, Ash brought reality crashing back down around him.

“I just don't see why you two couldn't even muster a proper goodbye.” Ash sighed as they began jogging toward the terminal to beat the rain.

“I-”Eric hesitated. He wasn't sure if he wanted to let Ash in any more. “I tried. I tried to get him to come out with me last night. He turned me down.”

“Why?” Ash asked, covering his head with one of Eric's bags to block the rain.

“Something about Mumford coming over and looking at the apartment.” The very words made him want to vomit. “I guess he's thinking about moving in or something.”

“That sneaky weasel.” Ash scowled.

“Hey now.” Eric tried to save face. “Jack is a good guy. There's no need to knock him. He needs a place to live, too, you know.”

“I don't mean him.” Ash shook his head as they reached the curb beneath an awning. “You're not even gone and he's already looking for people to move in?”

Eric was soaked the bone. It was a fitting end to this chapter in his life. Sitting in an airport terminal, wet with cold rain, trying not to pour his soul out to a friend that would more than likely be an enemy the next time he saw him.

“He's got his own issues to sort through.” He finally said, slicking back his hair to keep it out of his eyes. “I really screwed him up. I know I did.”

“I don't see how.” Ash said as they sat down on a bench near the check in desk. “He wasn't the one who tried to, y'know.... Kill himself.”

“There was a lot you didn't see.” Eric really didn't want to be talking about this. But he knew he would have to eventually, especially with Ash. “And I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to destroy myself.”

“Man, I keep telling myself I'm not going to pry.” Ash smirked. “But I just keep at it.”

“It's helping, really.” Eric shrugged. It was half true, anyway. “Fuck, I should just kidnap you and take you with me.”

Ash laughed.

“You'd get sick of me after a day or two.”

The two sat in relative silence, waiting for time to tick by. Finally, Eric could no longer wait to go through security.

“So I guess this is good bye.” Eric sighed.

“Just for now.” Ash pulled him in for a hug. Eric clung to him, probably tighter than he should have. “I'll see you in a couple of months, I'm sure.”

“Hopefully sooner than that.” Eric could already feel the tears coming on. “I'd like you to come and visit before the season starts.”

“We'll see.” Ash patted his back. He too was fighting off tears. “There's just so much shit to do now that you're leaving.”

“Way to make me feel like a dick, bro.” Eric pulled away, chuckling as he wiped the tears away from his eyes.

“Oh, you know I don't give a shit.” Ash was smiling now, too.

They smiled at one another for a few moments, before Ash patted him his shoulders.

“Be good to yourself, man.”

“I'll try.” Eric said with one final hug between them.

Ash waved at him as he passed through security. Eric sighed heavily, his eyes once again wet with tears and his chest heavy with regret, and waved at his best friend one last time before making his way to his gate.