Accidentally On Purpose

I gripped tightly at the steering wheel and tried to focus on all of the questions Danny was asking me about Pittsburgh. The drive wasn’t a long one – just above two hours – but it felt like it was dragging on with the constant chatter of the excited four-year-old in the back seat.

It had been two weeks since I made the decision to leave Columbus to move to Pittsburgh, and though doubts littered my mind and my stomach was constantly in knots, I knew the move was the best choice for Danny and I. I couldn’t breathe in Columbus. Everything reminded me of him – the ice cream shop on the corner of our neighborhood where we would go every Saturday after dinner, the grocery store where he would always tag along when I went shopping, the park where we had our first date, the church where we had gotten married, the spot on the river where I would hide during the first miserable years of our marriage – the home we shared, the places we frequented – our whole life was in Columbus. He was ingrained in the city, both in body at the Union Cemetery and in spirit in everything around me.
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“What does our new house looks like, momma? Are we gonna go to Uncle D’s hockey games? Can I get his new jersey? Are we gonna meet his new friends? Am I gonna like Pitt- Pitt-“

I silently sighed as I rubbed at the migraine forming around my temple. “Pittsburgh, honey. If you can’t say it though, its okay to just say Pitt or Burgh.”

My son let out an adorable giggle and grinned his toothless smile – identical to his fathers – at me through the rearview mirror. It had taken some times before he seemed okay to move. He didn’t want to leave grandma Angie or grandpa Mike or uncle Matt or aunt Nicole. He didn’t want to leave his cousins – the children of Nicole and her husband David – didn’t want to leave all the people he grew up knowing.

He especially didn’t want to leave the connection to his daddy.

It wasn’t until Derick had come up in the conversation – that he had moved to Pittsburgh to play hocket and he wanted us to come with him – that he had completely changed his tune. Instead of clinging to everything he was going to leave behind, he settled on promises of visits and practically pushed me out of the state himself. The little guy absolutely adored the center, especially after he rescued us after Christopher died.

“I don’t know what the house looks like, babe, but Uncle D promises me that we’ll like it. He has spend all week getting everything ready.” I looked down at the GPS on my phone as I passed into the city limits of Sewickley, a neighborhood Derick had promised was a good one for us, as I attempted to remember and answer all of Danny’s questions. “I am positive you’ll have not only Uncle D’s new jersey, but some of the other guys’ one as well. And of course we’re going to go to all the games – it’s our favorite thing. We’ll be at every home game, and maybe we’ll go visit grandma and grandpa and watch the hockey games there.”

I had called Derick during a much needed bathroom stop, about twenty minutes away from the address he gave me for the next chapter of our lives, to tell him where we were. He barely let me get the words “we’re almost there” out before he was yelling into my ear in excitement. And apparently, I noticed as I pulled into the driveway of a way-too-big house, he had come outside to pace the front porch ever since then. Before I could put the car in park, my back door was ripped open and my son was squealing as he was being lifted in the air by my six-foot-one best friend.

“Uncle D!”

“Hey buddy! I’ve missed you!” I got out of the car just in time to see Derick tickle Danny’s sides. “Were you good for momma?”

Danny squealed and tried to wiggle away. “Yes, yes, yes! Uncle D! Stop!”

Derick looked at me, his eyes still dancing. “Livvy.”

My smiled turned into a happy grin as I stood on my tip toes to wrap my arms around his neck. “Hey D.”

He pulled back just enough to look me in the eyes, Danny squished between us. “You ready for this?”

“I should be asking you that. “I let out a soft sigh. “Us Hanson’s are crazy.”

Derick just laughed as he shook his head and tilted his head towards the front door of the house, giving me Danny and telling me that he would grab the bags as we both explored.

I didn’t stay to fight with him, knowing that no matter what I said, he wasn’t going to let me help. It had happened every time I went to visit him, either by myself or with Christopher and Danny, and not once have I ever gotten to carry my own bags. Christopher told me it was how he knew I would always be okay with Derick when he wasn’t there. Not that there was anything romantic between Derick and I – or that Christopher himself ever thought so. From the very moment we met, he’s been like a brother to me, always there with unconditional support and love, never afraid to tell me when he thinks I’m being absolutely stupid or when he’s proud of me. Never had there been any blurred lines between us and our relationship, and never will there be. Derick had known and loved my husband – but he still saw me as something more than just a grieving widow. He saw me for who I was when we first met, and when I saw him walking back and forth on that front porch, a peace had washed over me that I hadn’t felt since the last time Christopher held me in his arm. In Pittsburgh, I could be me again. I could be Olivia Hanson, a woman who was still trying to find her way after all the crap life put her through but was strong enough to start to actually live again.

Walking into the house Derick had picked for us, I gasped. It was absolutely beautiful, and absolutely way too much. It was two stories, with a huge winding staircase – the one I described to Christopher once upon a time ago when he had asked me about my dream house. Tears picked at my eyes and I gripped my chest, feeling as if my heart was breaking all over again. Derrick was there for that conversation, during one of our visits to see him play when he was in New Yok. We had all gone out to dinner the first night we flew in, something we did every time we visited, and Derick was talking about maybe designing a house since he thought being with the Rangers would be more long term. Having been a dream of Christopher’s since we were in high school, he started making plans himself, ones centered on my huge winding staircase.

Danny’s giggle made me hurriedly wipe my eyes, not wanting him to see me cry again – an occurrence that he’s seen more times that I was willing to admit to myself. How was I supposed to be a good mom when I felt this broken inside? So broken that a freaking staircase can make me breakdown.

“D.” I turned around to face him, only to find him watching me with a sad smile on his face. “It’s- how?”

“I wasn’t looking for a house with the staircase in the beginning, but as soon as I saw it, I couldn’t walk away from it.”

“It’s too-“

He shrugged me off. “Don’t say it’s too much. I wanted a place where you felt at home. I tried to find a place that checked all your boxes and had some aspects of the house you loved so much in Columbus, while having two master bedrooms, and this one was perfect. I just hope you guys are happy here.”

I smiled at him holding my son, not understanding how I had gotten so lucky to have a best friend like him. I told him so and laughed as he slightly blushed and started to head up the stairs, telling Danny all about his new bedroom.

I looked around the front entrance of the house again, my eyes lingering on the personal touches Derrick added just for me, specifically my favorite picture of Christopher, him, and I. It was taken a year and a half after we had met at Derrick’s summer home in Hull, Quebec, Canada. His sister, Janie, had snapped the close up of us, with me in the middle of my boys, my head back laughing as I leaned heavily into Derrick who was cracking up just as much. Christopher, who hadn’t really understand what caused the giggle fest between us, was leaning forward slightly, a huge smile on his face as he stared at mine.

The picture had always made me smile every time I looked at it, as it showed not only how much fun Derrick and I had in our friendship, but it showed how much my husband had loved me. Seeing it for the first time since he died, however, caused emotions stir in me that I didn’t even understand. I walked closer to the frame hanging on the wall and let my fingers ghost over his face, before following the sound of my son's excited laughter.

Notes

First chapter! I'm so sorry it's so short! I've had this up for a while now, but writer's block is a pain in the butt. I'm getting out of it though and I'm so excited to continue what I've been working on!

Let me know what you think!