Call Me Captain

Fall 2006
Ever since my parents divorced, I’ve been able to do whatever I wanted. My dad moved across town and works two jobs to try and keep up with his bills and alimony. And my mother, well, she just cares about spending money on whatever new trend is in style so she can look good for her flavor of the month.

Sorry if that comes across rude, but it’s hard for me to tell when something is appropriate to share or not. My dad says I need to practice learning how to use my brain filter, but sometimes I just can’t help it and the thoughts that are piling up in my mind just come out. That’s why I like the pond.
There is something special in the simplicity of skating on a frozen pond. There is a calm that can’t be replicated and a freeness that can’t be explained. I’ve been skating on this pond for the past five years. Every snowfall I’m down here with a shovel, scraping off the snow for long periods of time until I get down to the ice and then I skate. I skate until all the thoughts that are jumbled up inside my head are gone, until I can see clearly again.

Today, I need to skate. My head feels like it’s about to explode I have so many thoughts running through it. The trigger for today’s episode- my mother. Most commonly she is the reason why I skate; when I’m around her she makes me see red. I can understand why being around her for so long finally drove my dad away. She’s not a nice person.

This morning I was sitting at the kitchen table, eating my usual breakfast, a bowl of Frosted Flakes with almond milk, when she came in.
“God Nick, don’t you ever get sick of the same thing every damn day of the year?”
“No, it’s what I like.”
“I know it’s what you like, but don’t you think you could try something else? You might like that too. How do you know this is all you like if you don’t try something else?”
“Because I know that I like this, so why do I need to try anything else?”
“Because Nick, you need change. You need some variety in your life. You can’t have the same meals at the same time every damn day of the week.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s not right.”
“What do you mean it’s not right?” I said putting my spoon down looking her square in the eye. I could feel my body temperature starting to rise which meant that I needed to calm myself down. Instinctively I began taking deep breaths, bracing for what was about to come next.
“I mean that for the past ten years you have had the same damn thing to eat or breakfast at 7:00 every morning and that isn’t normal for a kid your age. Kids your age like to sleep in, stay in the bedroom until the middle of the afternoon. I’m just saying it wouldn’t kill you to try a little harder.”
“Dad doesn’t have a problem with my eating habits. In fact he says that it’s a good thing to have structure in my life and a routine. That’s what Jenny the school counselor says too.”
“Of course, your father says something is good and it’s the word of God, me I’m just a dumbass is that it?”
“No, that’s not what I said.”
“That’s not what you said Nick, but that’s what you meant. Goddamnit, if you cherish every word he says so much, why don’t you go live with him!” she said stomping her bare feet across the linoleum floor back to her bedroom where she slammed the door.
What had I done? I was simply eating breakfast and minding my own business when she walked in. It wasn’t the first time she had told me that I wasn’t normal and that I needed to try harder. In fact, I don’t think I have a single memory from childhood where she wasn’t telling me to act more like my brother or that I couldn’t do something because of my disorders. However, this was the first time she had ever flat out told me she didn’t want me here and those words cut like a knife.
So that’s why I’m here. I’ve laced up my skates and I have one of my brother’s old sticks It’s a little short for me, but it’s all I have so I make it work. I skate over to a loose puck on the edge of the pond and I start my routine.

First I skate five laps around the outside of the pond at a leisurely pace. Then I pick it up, I start at one end of the pond and skate as fast as I can to the other end and back. Then I skate to the middle of the pond and back. I do this for three rounds. Once I’m done my conditioning, I prepare to work on my stick handling.

I skate over to the nearest snowbank and begin forming softball-size snowballs. Once I have six to eight of them made, I place them in a line down the center of the ice, spacing them exactly two skate lengths apart from each other. Once I have my line, I grab my puck and head to the far end. At first I start off slow, weaving the puck one way around the snowball, then the other. Once I reach the end, I turn around and head back the other direction doing the same thing, weaving in and out, gradually picking up speed. As I near the tenth cycle of weaving in and out, I pick up speed coming around the last snowball and race the puck back towards the net on the other end of the ice where I take a shot.

I can tell as soon as the puck leaves the end of my stick that it’s going to go wide. Sure enough, it sails way past the post and into the snowbank off to the left side of the net. I released too late again. It doesn’t matter how many times I practice, I can’t seem to perfect skating and then shooting accurately. I can stand in one spot and shoot the puck into the net just fine, but to skate and shoot, forget it.. I never seem to be able to time my releases right.

Finally, my last part of my routine is to shoot. I line up a dozen pucks that I have collected over the years and start firing. This is my favorite part. With each slap of the puck off the end of my stick I can feel weight lifting off of my shoulders. With each shot I hit the puck a little bit harder, a little bit faster until there’s nothing left for me to give.

“Whoa, little bro, I didn’t know you had a shot like that.”

Startled I turn around to find Justin standing at the edge of the pond with a couple of his teammates.

“For real Nick, that’s a hell of a shot you have there dude. Why haven’t you had him try out for the team Justin?” asked Tyler, one of the defensemen on the high school team.
“I didn’t know he could shoot like that and besides, mom would never let him set foot in a rink anyways.”
“Why not?” asked Alex, the team’s starting goaltender, “if he’s got talent, which he clearly does, why shouldn’t he play?”
“She’s always babied him because of his disorders, says he can’t do the same things as normal kids.”
“But I can.” I interject defensively.
“Clearly you can dude.” Alex said, “I’d be scared to be on the opposite end of that shot, and I’m wearing extra padding in between the pipes.”
“Nick, why didn’t you ever tell me you could shoot like that? I didn’t even know you could skate.”
“You never asked. Once dad left, you were always at the rink practicing or out with the team for some function and I was at home. I got tired of staying in my room all of the time so I started coming down here and teaching myself the basics. Now it’s all just a routine.” I said moving a puck between my skates.
“Dude, you need to try out for the team, especially with Brian getting injured, we could really use an extra forward.”Tyler explained.
“But, mom says that I can’t.”
“Bro, since when does mom pay attention to what we do anymore?”
“Well, not a lot I guess.”
“Exactly. She wouldn’t have a clue.”
“The only thing we will have to figure out is the permission slip, but that’s what dad is for. You know he would let you play. He’s always been your biggest fan. We can ask him about it this weekend if you want when we’re at his house.”
“You really think that I could play on your team? You wouldn’t be mad?”
“Mad, bro, we need more guys with a shot like yours. I’d be honored to have you on my team. Besides, could you imagine the look on mom’s face if she ever comes to a game and sees you suited up. You’d be putting her right in her place. The ultimate F-U.”
“I guess..”
“Look, just think about it. The guys and I have to get over to Loui’s house to get ready for the winter ball. We’ll talk more about it tomorrow, alright?” he asked clasping my shoulder forcing me to make eye contact with him.
“Sure.”
As I watched my brother walk off with his friends, I began setting the pucks back up for one more round of shooting. As I lined them up I couldn’t keep my brother’s comments out of my head. Could I really be a part of his team, something that I had wished for for so long? No, they wouldn’t take me, especially after they realize I can’t skate and shoot at the same time, but maybe. Maybe a powerful shot is all I’ve needed all along. It doesn’t hurt to try.

I finished up my shooting drill and then made my way back up to the house. My friend Jason was coming over tonight and we were watching the Lightning game and ordering in a pizza. Neither one of us much liked the idea of attending dances, the idea of crowds freaked us out.
There were too many expectations and too many ways to fail and be embarrassed, it was easier just to stay home.

Notes