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Captive

Fields of Cold

“People talk about life-changing events that alter one’s perspective. Did the idea of an early retirement ever cross your mind while in captivity?”

Crosby scrunched his eyebrows, “no.” His hard eyes moved on to the next raised hand.

“Initial military reports predicted that you were injured following the explosion. Was Captain Shaw captured for that particular reason?”

Crosby stared blankly at the reporter.

“Gentlemen, need I remind you that Sidney is not in a position to answer this type of questions,” a dark-haired man standing behind him said.

“Are you still in touch with Captain Shaw?” Another question came.

My breathing hitched in my throat. Crosby opened his mouth a couple of times until his saviour came back to the rescue.

“Thank you, I believe we’ve exceeded the time limit. Sidney has other commitments this morning. We will …”

“Miaaaa? Where are youuuu?" Livvie sang loudly as she made her way into my bedroom.

“Shit.” The tablet danced in my hands before landing on the carpet, at my sister’s feet. Luck has left my side lately.

She quirked her eyebrows. “What are you hiding? Were you watching a sex tutorial?” She mocked. My virginity has always been an entertaining topic that we would normally get a laugh out of.

When I didn’t laugh, she beat me to the tablet. She frowned at the screen.

“You avoid watching TV and yet you hide in your room to watch his interviews. What’s going on? And stop lying and saying you're fine. Mom and dad are worried. Jamie tries to protect your secret that I’m sure you haven't even shared with him. What happened that night with Sidney?”

Richard Shaw once told me that the only way to fight the shadows was to turn the lights off. At seven, my father’s advice did not make any sense; if anything, complete darkness was scarier to me. The 26-year-old me finally understood her dad’s lesson. He was telling me that I should nip my problems in the bud. But like the stubborn girl I still was at 26, I ignored my father’s advice.

Instead of moving on, I stalked Crosby online. I listened to my mom's almost daily conversation with Trina Crosby. I even asked Peter once about "the security measures" around Crosby. Maybe I was desperate to know if he was struggling as much as he said he was or as much as I was.

Maybe I still worried about him. Maybe I missed him. One thing was for sure, three weeks were not enough for me to get over our three months together.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said, studying my empty hands.

Livvie placed the tablet on the bed and sat at my side, squeezing my shoulder. “Look, don’t tell us if you don’t want to. All I’m saying is that whatever it is, you need to work it out. You seem depressed to me. I’ve told Dr. Moore about it.”

“What? You’re talking to my therapist now? Real mature, Olivia!” But instead of the witty comeback and the usual screaming match that would follow, she frowned.

“It was Jamie’s idea. We’re all worried about you and running out of tricks to cheer you up."

"Why does everyone feel the need to intervene? Just stay out of my business, Olivia."

She sighed at my words. "That's not what... I'm here to tell you that his family invited us for dinner tomorrow night."

"I'm aware of that. I already told mom that I'm not going," I said as I retrieved my hat.

"Would it change your mind knowing that he won't be present?"

I paused and looked at my sister quizzically.

"Trina called to confirm and said that Sidney sends his sincere apologies for skipping dinner. He has some preplanned commitment."

"Coward," I muttered under my breath.

*****

The wind blew in my face. Cold air filled my lungs. For the first time in weeks, I felt alive. I felt free. Misty galloped across the field, her hooves denting the frozen soil, her white mane dancing like a gypsy at a festival. She was by far the finest horse my aunt had. She's been my confidant, my escape for the past 10 years. She was so graceful in brisk temperatures; in fact, she preferred to be ridden in the cold.

She gave me space to breathe without any judgment or questions. She loved me and accepted me unconditionally. Anytime I showed up, she made sure I knew that I could count on her. She's been the sanctuary I craved when Josh left us. When Ryan broke up with me, I rode every day until my bones ached.

"My family, they're too much to take these days, Misty. Let's take a break, what do you say?"

I leaned against the beds of barley with Misty chilling at my side. Soon, I will lose my hideaway to the harvest season. I covered my face with the hat to avoid the light rain of early December. I thought about when I should get back home before my dad and Peter send a search party.

Misty happily neighed, disturbing my peace. I knew that sound all too well. It was reserved only for Izzy. Great, I was no longer alone. I peered under my hat to see a glimpse of my cousin Patricia dismounting in one lithe movement. But Izzy seemed to be carrying another cargo.

I sat up on my elbows and my hat tumbled down. A figure sitting awkwardly on the horse stared back at me. Patricia was giving the man some instructions, not paying me much attention. As soon as he clumsily got to the ground, Patricia mounted her horse and left.

I remained planted in the cold muddy earth, staring blankly at him. He was wet from head to toe. He seemed hesitant to talk, let alone come closer. With an excruciatingly slow movement, he reached into the inner pocket of his coat. If I didn’t know any better, I would think he had a gun.

The white and red polka dot umbrella was hysterically funny in his large hands. He sat nearby, careful to keep enough space between us. He opened the umbrella as I watched him closely. Stretching his hand, he hung the umbrella over my head. It was a useless gesture since we were both already soaked. He looked straight ahead and cleared his throat.

I shook myself out of the shock state and stood up. I dusted my jeans and put my hat back on. “I hope you enjoy the 30-minute walk in the rain,” I said as I prepared to mount.

His hand caught my wrist, trying to stop me.

“Mia.”

His voice was strained and weak. I swallowed the lump and ignore how he still made me feel after all this time. I glanced at him. His hair was dripping. His cheeks were red but not as red as his nose. His eyelashes looked wet when he blinked.

I turned my back and rode off, leaving him behind with my aunt’s umbrella hanging limply in his hand. I felt my chest tighten as I willed Misty to go faster. I needed to stay away from him before he pulls me back into his gravity like every single time. I looked back to see him sprinting after us as if he could catch up to a horse. I kept on glimpsing back at him. But he was getting smaller and smaller. Giving up, he stopped and leaned down to catch his breath.

I pulled Misty to a halt and turned around. I watched him from afar standing defeated among the gold fields. Cursing under my breath, I wiped my warm tears off and rode back towards him.

“You will be lost for days in here. I don’t want to be held accountable if, God forbids, Sidney Crosby disappeared again.” I said bluntly as I dismounted.

“Mia, I wanted to talk to you. Please,” he said as I gestured for him to put his foot in the metal stirrup.

“I’ll take you back to the barn,” I said as I gave Misty’s face a few gentle strokes. I felt bad since this intuitive animal was sensing my stress.

“Let’s talk first, then I’ll go. Please, Mia.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. I’ve moved on.” I pointed to the stirrup again.

“I haven’t.”

“Well, too bad for you,” I said, my voice rising. “I’m not your healer, so just leave me the fuck alone. Also, stop texting me! I want nothing to do with you.”

I turned my attention back to Misty. My eyes were still dry, but I wasn’t sure for how long I would keep it together.

“I’m sorry. I know I messed up. I said some things that were maybe harsh. Please forgive me.”

“There is nothing to forgive,” I said, looking at him and his hopeful smile.

“You forgive me?” he asked eagerly.
“I’m not mad at you. You were nothing but honest with me. If anything, I’m mad at myself for reading the situation all wrong.” I confessed as I fiddled with my fingers.

“Mia, what are you talking about?”

I covered my face and hid in Misty’s mane. I was choking on my tears when I felt his hand on my shoulder. “I let you break my heart,” I whispered.

His other hand went to my other shoulder and he hugged me to him like he’s done a million times. His cheek rested on the hand that was still covering my eyes. I spread my fingers and saw the puffs of air coming from his mouth and mine. I tried to gain back some control over my emotions, reminding myself that this was for the best.

“If your heart is broken, mine is shattered,” he whispered.

His hands slid down my arms, forcing my hands off my face. He turned me around to face him. Sadness poured from his eyes. He rested his forehead on mine. A freezing breeze passed between us, mixing with the steam of our breaths. I remained limb in his embrace, denying my hands and lips all their desires.

“Mia, God only knows how much you mean to me. Give me a chance to prove it to you.”

“What for?” I asked passively.

“What do you mean?”

“You said it yourself. You said that what we had was circumstantial. And you know what? It was.”

“Listen, Mia, I said things that I shouldn’t have said because I panicked.”

“But you meant them nonetheless.”

“Look, it’s true that if it wasn’t for that prison, we wouldn’t have gotten close or wouldn’t have met even. Our meeting was circumstantial. I thought long and hard about all your questions that I had no answer for.”

He held me at arm's length and looked down to catch my gaze. “Mia, all I wanted was to protect you from a relationship that would have done you more harm than good. Believe me. I ended up hurting you in the process because I’m an idiot. Your words, not mine.”

He smiled softly and my eyes threatened to betray me again. “The thought of you hating me is killing me,” he added with a small voice.

“So, this is all about you. Everything is about you! You came all the way here to get me to forgive you so you could feel better about yourself?! You’re so fucking selfish. I should have left you here lost in the cold. No, I should have left you to die that night in prison.”

I was ready to ride off before he even had a chance to answer. Before leaving him, for good this time, I yelled, “Ryan was right about one thing. You don’t deserve me. You never have and never will.”

Notes

My dear readers,

I'm back! Had a long well-deserved vacation. Will be updating more regularly now. Thank you for sticking around!

Charlie :)

Comments

I’m obsessed. It’s so ducking good. Please tell me there is more to come! I literally beg of you.

Canadice Canadice
2/5/21

@Gigipens
You’re welcome :)

CharlotteWhite CharlotteWhite
1/29/21

2 updates in one week. I love it and thanks so much!!!

Gigipens Gigipens
1/29/21

Thanks so much for the update!!!

Gigipens Gigipens
1/26/21

Hmm I don't know what the filter problem is, but I don't really use it that much! Looking forward to chapter 39!

Court31 Court31
8/5/20