That Man Right There

She heard the toilet flush and she knew she only had a couple seconds left to clean while he washed his hands. But somehow, the concept of time had gotten away from her. And she hadn’t realized how far the concept of time had gone until she heard Sid laughing from behind her. Addie turned around at the sink and spotted him coming up.

“You’re doing chores,”

“I know, I’m terrible. I didn’t think I’d have company so I left dishes in the sink while I went to school. And then I asked you to come in my house and remembered I’m actually a pig,”

“Oh, I knew that.” Sid giggled and grabbed a dish towel that had been folded on the oven, “I watched you eat cake off the floor a couple days ago.” He picked up the pan she’d just finished washing and dried it.

It wasn’t lost on Addie that he was now helping her finish the task she’d started. And now instead of setting the washed dishes down to drip dry, she handed them over to Sid. “You don’t have to do this,”

“You haven’t had sex in two years?” He asked, seemingly ignoring her previous comment.

She stared at him, wondering how long he’d been holding onto that thought. Since she said it outside? Or had it just popped back into his mind? “Almost. It’s been a year since I last went on a date, so…” She noted his shocked expression and nodded, handing him the last of the dishes. She set the sponge down and leaned back against the sink, watching him dry the plate. “The last guy I went on a date with, robbed me. He stole my wallet,”

Sid flicked his eyes back to her in disbelief, “no he didn’t.” He set the plate down and his expression became even more shocked when Addie nodded to confirm that that had actually happened to her.

“I went home and came to the terrifying realization that there wasn’t one guy in my life that I felt completely safe with. And that sucked,”

He leaned against the counter, just a couple inches from her. “Sorry,”

“Why? Did you have plans of robbing me too?”

He smiled quickly as she did, but then stared at her seriously, “I can’t imagine what it’s like not to feel safe with any guys in your life. And I’m sorry men have behaved in ways that’ve made you feel unsafe with them. With all of them,”

“They weren’t men,” she looked at her feet. They definitely weren’t men. Maybe at one point she thought they were. But now standing in front of Sid and believing this was how a man should behave, she knew those other guys hadn’t been men. “They were boys,”

Addie looked up at him to already find him staring at her. She nodded her head to the side and moved their conversation to the living room. They sat on the couch, which was only a bit bigger than a loveseat, so their knees touched with the way they were positioned facing each other. While Addie got a rush from even this slight physical contact, Sid didn’t show any indication that he felt the same.

“What about you? How long’s it been?” Even she was unsure if she was talking about a relationship or just purely sex. And she figured Sid would interpret it however he wanted to and would give her an answer.

He smiled and tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling to think. “Four… five years since I’ve had a girlfriend?” When he looked back at Addie, he wasn’t surprised that she couldn’t hide her shocked expression.

“Are you asexual?” More word vomit. And here she thought Sid was the socially awkward one. She was going to have to work on this.

“Sorry?”

“Do you feel like you don’t have to have attraction realized in a sexual manner? Or it’s just not something you want or crave?”

Sid smiled, “I know what it is.” He stared at her and nudged her knee with his, playfully, “do you think I’m asexual?”

Addie blushed, “I mean, I don’t really know you… You’re super even-keeled, and had a very easy shot at getting laid tonight, and…”

“I’m an adult,” he interrupted and grinned. Addie was pleased to see that although she had started them down this path, he didn’t seem angry or personally attacked by it. “It doesn’t control my behavior. I don’t view sex as an itch that needs to be scratched. Sex is a very serious thing, and as fun and free as it can be, it comes with a lot of feelings and ideals. I’m not impulsive when it comes to non-monogamous sex, but I would by no means say that I’m an asexual person.”

She nodded in understanding and pursed her lips together in a tight grin. Sid stretched his arm out across the back of the couch and bit his lip. In the silence, they both tried to figure out where to go from here.

“Talking about dark sides earlier,” he trailed off and waited until they were back to looking at each other. “Six years ago or so, I got a really bad concussion. And I wasn’t able to work, which depresses me to no end. My girlfriend of two years at the time pretty much became my caretaker, and it was really hard on her and the relationship. I was angry all the time because I couldn’t work and she was trying to get me healthy, and we sort of just watched our relationship disintegrate. My concussion symptoms lasted longer than a lot of people expected them to and I felt like a burden.”

Sid ran his hand over the fabric of the couch, trying to distract himself from the words he was saying. “You never know it’s the last time you’re gonna have sex with someone when you’re having sex. The last time she and I were intimate was two weeks before the concussion. And she stayed in the relationship for fourteen more months even though I had basically ignored every single one of her needs. She was trying to get me healthy and every time she asked for sex… for an ounce of pleasure for herself in the relationship, I shot her down like she was a fool for asking. I broke her will because I didn’t want to fail. I was already failing as a hockey player. I can’t even remember how many months it had been since I’d had an erection, and I didn’t want to fail at that too. I couldn’t fail at my career and as a lover, and so I ruined the relationship until she had had enough and left.”

Addie stared at him, unblinking. It wasn’t lost on her that in that story, he admitted to what his job was. But an even bigger bombshell to her was that he was confessing to very intimate things about his life and she doubted whether or not some of his best friends even knew that part of the story. It made her feel for him a little bit more. The even-keeled, stoic man was that way because he had destroyed something in a devastating way.

“In the five years since that relationship, I can count the times I’ve had sex on my fingers and toes. And they’ve all been with a girl that was a friends with benefits situation because that’s all I feel I’m able to maintain. There was no expectation other than sex. No feelings, no conversations, no ‘why’d you leave before I woke up’ arguments. So there’s my dark side,”

Addie was unable to look away. So much was running through her mind. “You didn’t have an erection all the time you had a concussion?”

Sid chuckled softly, “out of everything I said, that’s what you took away?”

She smiled too, shaking her head vehemently, “no, I have many questions. That’s just where I’m starting.”

He could go along with that logic even if he didn’t necessarily understand it. So he nodded as an affirmation to her question.

“You didn’t have an erection for fourteen months? For over a year, you never got hard?”

“However you want to word that, the answer’s still yes.” He licked his lips and set his hand down on her leg, about to try to explain it, “I was beyond depressed. Any drive or exertion of energy I had was used to get myself playing hockey again. That’s it. Everything else I was ready and very willing to sacrifice if it meant I could get back on the ice sooner.”

“And your friends with benefits situation…” Addie was very visibly fishing for information now. And honestly she didn’t care if Sid realized it or not.

“I met her at a club. We went out a few times because I’m not into one night stands, but when we finally did have sex, I was upfront and told her I didn't want a serious relationship. I was solely looking to appease a physical and sexual appetite. And she was cool with that. And even though I know she was probably screwing other guys, it was as monogamous as I could get without actually having to put energy into someone.”

Addie’s smile fell when Sid pulled his hand off her leg. That, she tried not to make too obvious. “Is she any good?”

He smiled and looked at Addie with soft, heavy eyes. “I think the right preposition now is, was. I broke it off awhile back.” Sid smiled a little wider when she did, “she was fine. Gave me what I was looking for and that’s all I asked of her.” He nudged her leg again with his knee, “what about your dark side?”

Addie smiled, “mine’s a little bit simpler and shorter than yours.”

“They usually are,”

She giggled and shook her head. In composing herself enough to tell him, her expression became heavier and far more serious than Sid had seen her. “I watched my dad die when I was ten,” she glanced at Sid from the corner of her eye to see how he was taking that. He looked petrified. “We were in a taxi and this guy was running from the cops, and he slammed right into us. This metal separator in the cab… I don’t know, this metal thing inside the cab bent and when my dad was pushed forward on impact, it went into his chest. And when he fell back against the seat, it came out of his chest. I put my hands over the hole because he was bleeding so much, but,” Addie’s breath caught in her throat and choked her. She held her palms out face up and looked down at them. “My hands were too small, and by the time the paramedics got to us, he was already dead.”

Addie could feel her eyes starting to sting. That was thirteen years ago. She had lived so much life since then. She rolled her eyes and looked up at the ceiling, shaking her head like she was embarrassed by this. Although no tears fell from her eyes, Sid scooted over on the couch and came closer to her. He wrapped one arm around her shoulders and pulled her into him, setting his other hand across her body and holding her hip. Addie tucked her head against his shoulder and looked down at his shirt. “My dad wasn’t affectionate by any means, towards me or my mom, so growing up, affection wasn’t something I was good at because I never really saw it. I started dating when I was eighteen because I thought that I should. When I finally hooked up with someone for the first time, and he got me off, I remember wondering how long it would take for it to be over because I didn’t want him touching me anymore.”

Addie brought her hand up to Sid’s shirt, running her fingers over the fabric, “I got my first boyfriend at twenty-one. He was a really good guy, very affectionate. Always wanted to hold my hand, and cuddle, and touch even if it was very innocent. It only lasted six months. Every time we would have sex, it was like a switch would flip in my brain… like once the touching was associated with sex, it would feel weird. I didn’t grow up thinking I was beautiful or sexy, so being touched in a sexual way was never even on my radar. And he thought I was being selfish because I’d be disinterested after getting off, but really I was just uncomfortable. So he broke up with me, I finished my undergrad in California, and then came out here a month ago for grad school.”

Sid released her, “that’s not simple.”

Her face dropped when he let go of her; like she wasn’t ready to lose the first bit of human touch she’d had in a year. But she didn’t dare close the gap between them and hold onto him again. “Dark side,” she forced a smile when she looked into his eyes.

“For the record, you’re very beautiful. Wildly intellectual, but something tells me you already think that about yourself.” He smiled and nodded when she laughed in agreement. “And you’re sexy beyond belief… and you’re not even trying. Sitting on a potentially dirty kitchen floor, eating destroyed cake, and you were still the sexiest thing in the room. I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.”

“That’s a line,” Addie blushed.

“That’s not a line, but it’d be a great line.” He laughed and licked his lips quickly, “it’s okay that you feel uncomfortable with someone touching you in a sexual way. One day you’re going to be with someone, and you’re not going to want him to stop. He’s going to make you feel safe in his hands. And he’ll know these things about you; this dark side. So when you tell him not to stop, he’ll know it’s real and that he has you. There won’t be a doubt in either of your minds. And Adeline, just incase no one’s ever told you this, it’s not your fault that your dad died.”

Now she thought she was going to cry. No one had ever sat her down and expressed even these simplest things to her. She smiled at him softly. “And Sidney, you’re not a terrible person because of what happened in your past relationship. That was an extreme circumstance. You’re capable of maintaining an intimate relationship. So when you find the girl, who knows those things about you, that dark side… she’ll understand you’re worth much more than an ice time and a goal percentage.”

He stared at her, taking in her words for everything they were worth. And even when she had finished speaking, he stared at her awhile longer and smiled. Eventually he sat forward, “I should get going.”

Addie nodded gently. She wanted nothing more than to have him stay with her if only so she could fall asleep in someone’s arms instead of beneath a weighted blanket. She stood up when he did and followed him to the front door.

After pulling it open, he looked back at Addie. Her eyes looked weak like they wanted something she wasn’t asking for. So Sid took a deep breath while they stood in the doorway. “I’m going to kiss you. And if I’m making you uncomfortable by saying this and you don’t want me to, tell me… right now, and I won’t. I won’t kiss you, I—I won’t tell you that you’re unbelievably beautiful and sexy and you should be hearing that all the time. I will walk back to my truck without so much as a hug.”

He took another deep breath after he got done talking, or ranting, or whatever he was doing. And when Addie didn’t object to anything, he knew he was in the clear. Sid leaned forward, set his hands on the doorframe behind her, and kissed her. Addie sighed against his lips and placed one of her hands on the side of his neck. She had to stand on her tip toes even though Sid was just under six feet. Being five foot three tended to make things out of reach for her. But being on her tip toes made Addie considerably less stable, and so when Sid tilted his head to the side for another kiss, she lost balance and stumbled back. Thankfully his hands on the doorframe protected her from taking a piece of wood to the spine.

When he pulled back and looked down at her, Addie got down off her tip toes and blushed. He smiled wider and pecked her lips once more, “okay, I’m gonna go.”

“Wait!” she reached forward. Thinking she wanted one more kiss, Sid was caught off guard when she reached into his pant pocket and felt around.

“Whoa, what are we doing?” He giggled and searched her face for an explanation. But she was on a mission, and when she didn’t feel what she was searching for, Addie put her hand in the other pocket. “Woman, take me to dinner first,” he grinned as he simultaneously saw her pull his cell phone from his pocket.

She clicked the button and then held it up to him to unlock. Once he did, she continued the very important task of putting her number in his phone. He watched her the entire time like he was afraid she’d disappear into thin air and he’d never get to see her again if he looked away even for the slightest of seconds.

Addie handed the phone back to him. He glanced down at the contact she’d left, “Adeline Ward.”

“Sidney Crosby, you better call me.”

“I will,” he smiled. She blushed and little harder and Sid set his hand down on her cheek, and kissed her again. “Bye,”

He stepped down off the small front porch and walked to his car. Addie leaned against the door and watched him climb up into his truck. Once he started the engine, he looked out at the window at her and smiled before he drove off. Addie took one more deep breath and then shut her front door for the night.

Notes

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