The Hockey Life

PART SIXTY-NINE: PUSHIN’ ME AWAY
Wow. I quickly realized how much of an understatement it was that playoffs would be a busy time. Within the first week of games, things were already chaotic. I had started to fall behind on wedding planning, and I felt like there was no time for me to catch back up. I did everything I could. I brought my laptop with me on road trips and skipped out on leisure time with friends and family to work instead. I had to spend extra time on Jonathan and Pat to make sure their injuries really were healed and they were doing alright. To make things worse, I felt like I had no help, despite the fact that I spent most of my time with Patrick. I finally decided to bring this to his attention after game five of the first round. The Hawks had won against the Blues, 3-2, so Patrick was in a good mood. I figured he’d be fine, because of that.
“Nice one, guys! One more win to go!” I congratulated the team once they had filed into the locker room. I high-fived a few of them until I got to Patrick. He got a hug, even though he was pretty sweaty.
I let the players speak to the media, shower, and get changed. When it was time to leave, I decided to let Patrick have a few more moments to just be elated while we made our way back to the hotel. It wasn’t until we were re-packing our bags that I decided to talk to him about my issue.
“Hey, can I talk to you about something?” I wondered as I stuffed a hoodie into my bag.
“Yeah, of course. What is it?” he asked. I took a deep breath before continuing.
“It’s just the whole wedding thing. It takes a lot to plan it, and some things have deadlines. With the playoffs and everything, it’s hard to get things done. I could use a little help.”
“Maybe we need a wedding planner. It isn’t too late to hire one, is it?” I couldn’t believe it. He was completely missing the point I was trying to make.
“I don’t want a wedding planner. If I wanted one, I would have hired one a lot earlier. I want to do things myself so I’ll know that I’m getting exactly what I want,” I explained.
“Okay, well, I don’t know, then,” Pat replied.
“Maybe you could help,” I suggested.
“I don’t know what I’d help you with. It’s kind of the bride’s day, isn’t it? I mean, I’ll give you my input if you need it, and obviously there are some things I want a say in, but you know I’m fine with you making most of the decisions. I want you to be happy,” he told me as he mindlessly filled his duffel bag. I had stopped working on mine earlier in the conversation, and I wished he would too so he wouldn’t even be the least bit distracted. He didn’t understand where I was coming from and it was getting frustrating.
“I don’t just want your help with decision making, Patrick. It’s the actual work! The research, the emails, the phone calls, the outlines, the financial reports, everything!” I said, my patience slowly fading away.
“I’d love to help, Lean. It’s just that it’s playoffs, and I only have so much time,” he answered. That absolutely did it for me.
“You only have so much time?” I questioned him. “YOU only have so much time? And I have all the time in the world, right?”
“Well, no, but…”
“We work for the same place, Pat. I have to go to everything that you have to go to. We work the same times! When I’m just sitting at work, I’m not allowed to pull out my phone and laptop and work on other things. I have to watch closely and look for signs of anything out of the ordinary, especially with you and Jonathan lately. And as far as free time, I don’t have it anymore. You never gave it up, but I had to because I’m the only one who has to work on making one of the most important days of our lives happen!” I raged. My voice was raised now, without me even realizing it or caring that there were people in the rooms on either side of us.
“Well, maybe you should have said something then, and I would have given up my free time. Geez, you make it sound like I’ve been having the time of my life, partying every night,” Patrick yelled back, now as frustrated as I was.
“Compared to the way my life has been going, you have been,” I retorted.
“Alright, well I’ll stop enjoying myself, then. Sorry that I feel the need to actually relax in between the constant games and practices that reflect on my whole career.”
“You’ve had two Stanley Cups in four years. You and Jonathan are a couple of the most popular hockey players in the NHL at this point. The Blackhawks are doing everything they can to keep you and they’ll continue to do that as long as they possibly can because they love your talent. I think your career is pretty damn solid right now,” I decided.
“You know, you’re right. Why don’t I throw it all away now? There won’t be any consequences or anything. Why try? It’s just my career that I’ve worked hard for my whole life. It’s nothing!” Our hotel room neighbors had to hate us by then, but we kept getting louder and more angry, both of us.
“That’s not what I’m saying! God, if you would just stop trying to do other shit like ‘packing your bags’ when you’re not even making any real progress, maybe you’d understand what I’m trying to tell you,” I raged.
“Fine!” Patrick answered, tossing his bag onto the floor to let half of its contents spill out. “This better?”
“No. No, it’s not, but whatever. You’re such a hopeless case right now,” I realized, annoyed at his stubbornness.
“Yeah, so are you. We were made for each other,” he joked, although he wasn’t smiling at all.
“Yep, let’s just make some jokes about our relationship, that’ll make everything better. I thought I could have a serious conversation with you, but apparently that’s impossible.”
“It is pretty f*cking impossible. You’re a complete psycho!”
“Well I’m sorry that you have to go home with a psycho tonight then. Luckily you won’t have to sleep with her. Have a nice time repacking!” I told him, grabbing my bag and the things I had left to pack as I said it. Once I had everything, I stormed out of the room, fuming. As much as I wanted to talk to Jonathan, he wasn’t an option. He had gone out for food with a few of the guys, and he would probably tell Patrick everything I said anyways. I rampaged down the hall until I got to my own room, knowing I shouldn’t try to talk to anyone judging by the state I was in. I tried my best not to slam the door. Instead, I threw my stuff on the floor and went over to the bed, which I punched a good five times before I realized that I really was being a psycho. I laid down on the mattress which was now slightly dented in the middle from my punches and before I knew it, my eyes were watering. I had gone from extremely angry to completely sad and upset in a matter of seconds, but I didn’t even care. I just let the tears fall onto the blanket under me. I wished I could just crawl under the covers and fall asleep crying, but I knew we had a plane to catch soon. After about thirty minutes, I pulled myself together enough to finish packing and before I knew it, I was at the airport with the team, boarding the plane. I didn’t even glance at Patrick, and I had a feeling he didn’t give me any looks either. For once in my life, I was actually glad that the trainers didn’t sit in the same area as the players. I put my earbuds in, lost in my own world of angry and depressing music for the whole late night flight, and I hid my emotions as much as I could from everyone sitting around me, not wanting an intervention. When it was time to get off the plane, I stole a few glances at Patrick and made it very obvious when I called a taxi, so he’d know he could drive himself home and not worry about waiting for me.
The taxi brought me home before he arrived, and I threw my hoodie on the counter and hid away in the bathroom texting Tess until I heard him come in and go into the bedroom, closing the door rather loudly behind him. I left the bathroom and quietly rummaged through a closet until I found a blanket that would be comfortable to sleep with. I got comfortable on the couch, the blanket over me and the earbuds back in my ears. The music helped me fall asleep rather easily, despite the millions of thoughts in my head that tried to distract me. Sleep was the best thing I could possibly get at that point.

Notes