His nerves were on fire. It was worse than preparing for a game. Worse than preparing for game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final. He spent 40 minutes picking out his outfit. He had spent more than he was willing to admit to get everything to fall into place. He had flown in her family and friends, his family and friends, set up a catered dinner and everything. He had interrogated and re-interrogated her friends to make sure she’d say yes. Then there was the ring. He spent more on it than most people do on cars. She hated whenever he spent a lot of money on her, but this was special. It was a solitaire cut with a huge diamond in the middle, lined by smaller ones. It even had diamonds all the way around the band. She’d have to love it.

He picked her up from the apartment she lived at part-time on the Southside of town and headed up the hill towards Mount Washington. Still fairly new to town she hadn’t seen the best view of the city. He told her they’d enjoy the view then go for dinner. He told her to dress “nice” which to her meant a blood orange, knee length dress and silver heels. The brightness of the chiffon brought out the yellow undertones in her chocolate skin. It was minutes before dusk and the clouds were sparsely layered, creating a dissolve across the sky. He parked and held her hand as they walked to the edge of the overlook.

“It’s beautiful.” She said, her deep brown eyes twinkling in the dimming sun.

“Not as beautiful as you.” He said turning her to face him. His palms were nearly dripping with sweat and he bit his lip in anticipation. He’d practiced this speech hundreds of times, he knew he was going to get it right.

“Ana, I love you. You are my entire world. I can’t imagine not waking up to you every morning or hearing your laugh when the dogs run in circles. I can’t imagine looking up into the stands and not seeing you in my jersey. I can’t imagine what my life would be like if we weren’t a team. If you didn’t do the taxes and only buy the healthy foods. If you didn’t straighten my tie before I leave. If we didn’t make breakfast together every morning. I don’t know what I did before I found you, but I don’t want to remember what my life was like back then. Ana, will you marry me?” he asked as he descended to only one knee.

The ring presented to her made her feel as if she was betrayed by the diamonds. As if the sharpest material on earth were carved into a dagger and piercing her back, but there they laid, inset on a platinum band, begging her to put them on.

She covered her face in complete shock. Her shiny black hair clipped in a half up-do whipped at her shoulders. The elevation caused the wind to begin ripping tears from her eyes. The tears that plummeted down her cheeks weren’t happy. She knew after watching marriage after failed marriage she couldn’t do it. She always thought to herself

“Sidney, I—“ she was in short supply of air. Salty tears rolled into the corners of her mouth and her throat was dry.

“I can’t.” she croaked. “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” she cried. Her knees were weak and her feet were already numb in her stilettos. She knew if her legs shook once more she’d surely fall. She buried her face in her hands and refused to look at him. If it weren’t for her toes being deprived of blood she’d have bolted. Instead she was forced to stand there, his heavy eyes cast on her.

He froze. He was assured that she’d say yes. That she was ready. They told him she was ready. After a moment of silence his fingers regained mobility and he shut the box and stood. Brokenhearted, he stepped into her. He wrapped his arms around her and pressed his lips to her cheek. Those salty tears weren’t for her. They were for him. She shivered in his arms as she cried, hating herself for hurting him. Hating herself for having commitment issues. Hating herself for telling the man she adored, “no”.

“Why?” he whispered a question he already knew the answer to.

“I’m not—“ she began, holding him as if she hadn’t lost him just yet.

“I know…” he sighed. He forced back tears and dragged his fingers on the exposed skin of her shoulder.

Her heart nearly burst as all of their family and friends came out from behind the corner. Hoping to congratulate them, they looked somber, embarrassed for her even, for the both of them.
She wanted to hide, or jump off the escarpment because even a not-so-sudden, brutal death would be better than facing them. In the small crowd she saw her parents, his parents, her friends from college, his friends from Nova Scotia, and about half the team.

He had put his heart out there and the looks on his families’ faces, she’ll never forget. They weren’t looks of of anger like she expected, but sadness. Depravity that signified their relationship may never be repaired. She may never get a second chance.

As much as she wanted to please him, she had to be honest. She was in no way, shape, or form ready. Her own parents looked at her ashamed. As if they took the blame for her trust issues. Her mother tried, oh did she try, but on a day they had taken off of work for, they realized the mistakes they made in their marriage would haunt their only child for the rest of her life.

“Well…we still have dinner reservations. Everybody is here to see you.” He whispered. He wore his “media” face. His I’ll-smile-because-you-need-me-to grin and at that moment she loathed herself more than he loathed her. She had forced him back into his shell. The danger and uncertainty which was her forced the turtle to hide.

She held him tighter. At-home manicured nails digging into his back, pulling his navy striped dress shirt taut.

“I’m so sorry. I love you Sidney. I love you so much that I can’t do this in good will, knowing it will make you resent me later. I can’t enter a marriage knowing I’m not ready and then blame you later.” She cried, giving him a watered down explanation and rushed apology. Her heart ached, she knew how bad she’d hurt him. The pink from the bulbs of his cheeks were gone and he was pale.

“It’s okay. I just wish I knew that.” He mumbled. “Let’s go say Hi to everyone.” He said guiding her with one hand on her lower back. She hugged everyone and whispered an “I’m sorry” to his parents as well as hers. His mother squeezed her hand and gave her a teary smile. “You’ll always be part of our family”.

While Ana was distracted by some of his closest friends she hadn’t really met before, he called off the string quartet that was supposed to play at the restant. In a rare moment of weakness he gazed over the edge of Mount Washington and let himself cry. He had everything, money, his dream job, the only thing missing was her. Soon Troy had a hand on his son’s shoulder.

“I can’t believe it either, you guys are so perfect together.” He said, his words doing everything but comfort his son.

“Dad—“ he groaned, wiping his eyes and clearing his throat. He put on his slightly crooked fake smile, but his dad wasn’t buying it.

“It’s okay to be upset.” He said before clapping his son on the back and headed back towards the people Sidney spent over $10,000 on flying out.

They headed to dinner and had a very different time than they expected. The night was quiet, small chatter around the loud table. They didn’t address the elephant in the room and as much as Ana’s friends wanted to make light of the situation in hopes of cheering everyone up, they decided it’d be better not to mention it.

After a three-course feast Sidney hated himself for ordering for everyone they headed to their hotel. She and him rode silently home in the car. His true emotions creeping up slowly.

“Fucking Shit!” he yelled, punching the steering wheel. Ana scooted as far away from him as possible. She never saw him like this. His eyes closed he took a deep breath and began to drive. Once at the house he didn’t open the door for her. He walked inside and bounded up the stairs. Scared, she wasn’t sure what to do. She followed him only to have him brush by her with a pillow and blanket in his hands. He removed his suit jacket and shoes, and plopped on the couch without another word. She bit her lip, wanting desperately to talk, but she’d humiliated him. She stepped into the bedroom, slunk off her dress and slipped into her side of the bed.

In the morning she couldn’t break her routine. She noticed his peachy skin, toasted from summer, was blotchy and hours of applying sliced cucumbers couldn’t resolve the bags under his eyes. She found him looking restless as she began to make coffee and oatmeal. His house was unfamiliar to her now. She was a guest, no longer a part of the home.

The box housing the $40,000 ring was open on the coffee table. The ring, grasped firmly in his hand. She set a bowl of oatmeal with fruit and stevia sweetened coffee with no cream on the table. Her mind searched for the most probable “what now?” solution. She tiptoed down the stairs and removed several suitcases, set within each other like Russian nesting dolls. She carried them upstairs without a sound. She began to fold her clothes and search the room for anything else that was hers.