February 13, 2014
Dear Lana,

You're writing again. You're writing into that letter notebook thing of yours like you've been doing for the last month. But you did something different today. You ripped out the paper, stuck it in an envelope. You're going to send this letter. It's to Derek, I know. There's nobody else you would write all those letters you won't send to.

I know you miss him and I know he misses you too. I don't blame him.

But you're tearing me apart, Lana. I want you to be happy but I want you to be happy with me. I want you to laugh at me, at my jokes, at the dumb things I say and do. But every time you laugh, you're not laughing at me- not completely. You're not here completely. You're mind's always off somewhere.

Do you know how much it kills to watch the dimness in the eyes of the girl you'd die for? You don't get how much it kills to know that when you laugh, you think of Derek. I hope you never have to feel that emptiness- again.

I know I hurt you. I know I killed you on the inside but I came back to fix everything.

You didn't have to stay with me in the hospital, Lana. You could've left. Your only obligation to me was to get me to the hospital- barely. You didn't have to stick around every single day and wait for me to wake up. You could've left before I woke up from the dream that I was marrying you. You could've left and made everything so much easier for all three of us.

Derek's a great guy, Lana. He deserves someone like you. I don't. But I want you. And you chose me. Not completely, but you chose me.

I wish you hadn't. I wish I hadn't come for you. I wish I'd just left it the way it was. Better me heartbroken than you double broken. I wish I knew you were happy with Derek. I would've butt my ass out of your business. I keep messing shit up for you.

I wish you hadn't stayed with me in my hospital bed. I wish you hadn't thrown your book to the side of the room and ran to me when I opened my eyes. I wish your eyes hadn't filled with tears and that your nose didn't turn so red. I wish your cheeks weren't as rosy and your lips as trembling. I wish you hadn't held your hand in mine and cried into my chest. I wish you hadn't gotten up onto the bed when I asked you to and rested your head on my shoulder. I wish I hadn't fixed my head on yours and cried.

I wish Derek was in the room when I woke up. I wish I knew you two were happy, satisfied. I wish you told me you'd moved on a bit. I wouldn't have done that to you.


I wish I didn't make it through that accident. I wish I sent my letters earlier. I wish I never left my home. I wish your mom didn't die and I wish my dad wasn't a dick. I wish you were okay and I was on the ice, playing hockey. I wish Derek was lining up on the fifty-yard line like he should be.

I wish.

I wish you'd stop crying. I can hear you from the kitchen. I wish you wouldn't do that so much now.

I wish you were still all mine like you were on our white and silvery wedding day.


Patrick.