Dear Patrick

"Who is this?" I heard Patrick, anger flooding from the vowels of every word he spit. From the other end of the receiver I could hear a heavy, deep laugh. I looked up instantly, my eyes were filled with worry. Patrick shook his head softly, "Don't worry, baby, it's a prank call."

I nodded, fully aware that he was lying. I glanced up to meet Toews' gaze, hoping that his reassuring smile would calm me but I found his chair empty. I looked outside. His big black Ram was still parked exactly where it was when he got here. I swallowed my nerves, he was probably in the bathroom.

"Lana," Patrick told me, laughing, "It really is a prank call." My insides calmed a bit but the worry took a little longer to leave. He leaned in toward me, "I love you." I blinked. For the first time, I felt the impact of his words. They went straight to the heart. He waited for my reply, but all I could do was replay the sound of his voice and the meaning of what he said over and over. Every time I heard it, I remembered my parents. The way my mom used to whisper it to me when her broken body didn't allow her voice to escalate more than that. The way Adam croaked it from the heat vents when he was trapped in the attic of that psycho house. The way my dad muttered it before he collapsed in front of my very own eyes.

But the more I heard your voice, not just the words themselves, the more the memories faded. You were what removed my broken pieces. Or you were what patched them up. It's you. It always was and it always will be. From my ugly vans to my terrible dancing. Your words, your sound. It was all so simple.

"Lana, I love you."

I looked into his eyes. They were blue. Bright, blue, and beautiful. Just like they always were. I didn't need to leave to Norway. I didn't have to swim in a man-made lake thousands of miles away from my home to drown away all the pain. I just had to lost myself in him. I just had to cut the anchor and float in the sea of his eyes. Fresh and new. He was my tide and I was his shore.

The ocean of his softness flooded my eyes. I fumbled with my hands to reach up and wipe away the tears before they ruined the make-up that I struggled putting on for hours. He reached over and wiped the tears for me, biting his lip and blinking furiously, almost like he was holding back his own tears. "Lana," he fought a smile and aired his eyes out for a second before proceeding, "I really love you."

My lips trembled.
"Lana," he whimpered, "I love you so much."
I tried to hold back but it became difficult to fight. Raging waters against a weak dam. The victory always belonged to my emotions. The tears started pouring. Patrick quickly got up and ushered me to the back, a little cave in the wall with a tall vase and fake flowers.

"Listen to me," he demanded, softly, "What this is, whatever this is, we're going to get through it. Me and you. Okay? Me and you always. Me and you forever. Me and you only."

I nodded my head, knocking some curls loose. I fixed them and nodded again, this time more gently. He extended his arms a bit, "come here." He pulled me into a hug that drowned all the fear I ever owned. The way the shore hugs the ocean, never letting it leave, always bringing it back.

"I just need you.." I struggled surfacing my words. "I need you to know how much I really love you."

He nodded at me, "You don't have to explain this. I know. I know, I promise."

"I need you to know," I continued, "How much I love you, Pat. You're all that brings me closure. You're all that I feel safe in."

"Lana," he interrupted.

"From the second I left, I knew I needed you. I've been through so much and no doubt, you've been through just as much having to witness it. And I'm not the person I was and maybe you're not the person you were but all I know is who I am will always love you. My plane was overbooked but it was empty, because there was no dorky blonde mullet beside me. My hotel room was for only one, but I only occupied half. I live through your breath. And I'm so sorry."

"Lana, please," he whispered, turning his face to avoid joining me in my endless tears.

"I love you, Pat. Me and you always. Me and you forever. Me and you only."

He wrapped me in his arms and my chills were heated by his warmth. I felt the security of being in his arms. I tightened my arms around his neck and he pulled me even closer. Just like the shore hugs the ocean.

Notes

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