Shell Games
Always Ten Feet Tall
It took as much time to work up the nerve to talk to Kris as it did to get ready to do so. After being up for more than 24 hours straight, I ended up sleeping through the day. The sun was making its descent into the horizon when I awoke. From my bedroom window, I could see the rush hour traffic on the QEW. I did a round of my favorite Pilates movements, meditating and trying to relax, before I ate. I stood in front of my closet for far too long.
Gavin was home from his Sunday errands, and he informed me that Kris was home, too. Shuffling through the hangers in my closet was more of a stalling tactic than actually choosing what to wear. I didn’t have to put on a dress or fix my face up flawless just to have a conversation with Kris. What I needed was a confidence boost and to remain calm. I always felt so spastic around him.
The hallway of the 17th floor had never seemed so daunting before. The fire exits on both ends seemed miles away. When I knocked on door 1714, the sound seemed to echo. I let out a deep breath as I heard movement on the other side of the door. The doorknob turned in front of my eyes. Then the door was open and Kris was standing in front of me.
He looked happy to see me. “Hey.”
“Uh…h—hi,” I stammered and immediately cursed myself internally.
We were just greeting each other and I already sounded dumb. The guy standing in front of me didn’t seem to care though. He smiled and reached out across the empty space between us, taking my hand and ushering me into the apartment. Standing in the entryway, his grip was tight as he shut the door behind me and pulled me toward the living room. I didn’t even get the chance to take my shoes off in customary Canadian fashion.
I’d only been in his rented condo a few times. All of the units on my side of the hallway had the downtown view. His side had the lake view. Because Kris’ dislike of heights had more to do with looking straight down and seeing the possible plummet under his feet, the view from the 17th floor outward on the city wasn’t a problem for him. Although our building wasn’t like Luke’s—we didn’t have floor to ceiling windows—the curtains were open and I could see Mimico Harbour in the distance.
Kris stood close to me, our chests almost touching. There was stubble on his face and concern in his light eyes. “Are you still mad at me…for what I did?”
Well, was I?
Knowing all the facts, I didn’t really think I had any reason to be. He didn’t pawn me off to Luke, and Luke hadn’t just played along. In fact, Kris didn’t even know that Luke had switched teams before the game even started. Knowing that he’d been trying to get me to like him, the stupid things Kris did didn’t seem so stupid anymore.
I looked down at our linked hands. It wasn’t the first time we were holding hands and it wasn’t the first time I thought that they looked good together. “I guess not,” I spoke softly.
“Good,” he let out a sigh and then grinned. “That’s good.”
He let go of my hand and went for my waist. We were pressed up against each other then. His free hand went to my face and his fingers brushed over my cheek. My heart pounded in my chest. It wasn’t like dancing. It was sensory overload. It was his head lowered and my chin tilted upward. It was our lips meeting and him kissing me.
Oh my God. He kissed me. I was kissing Kris. It was everything that a first kiss should be. It was tender. I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. Butterflies were soaring in my stomach. But I only got to enjoy it for a moment. Instead of my eyes closing, they widened. I backed away from him and put my hand over my chest, as if that would ease my heart beating out of control.
Kris had concern in his eyes again. “Kaylie, I—”
“You can’t just kiss me and assume everything is okay,” I cut him off. “You can’t just expect that…that…” I frowned, at a loss for the right words. “I don’t even know what you expect.”
“What I expect?” he gaped at me. “Come on. I think I’ve made it pretty obvious by now.”
“You’ve been in Toronto for two months. It took you until yesterday to tell me that if you started something with me it would be different.” I walked to the couch and plopped down, looking up at Kris as I continued, “You were gaming me up until the day before yesterday. How do I know you don’t just enjoy the pursuit? I’m not sure that different is what you want, Kris. I’m not sure that I’m who you want.”
It was probably the most long-winded thing I’d ever said to Kris since I was fourteen. It was very honest, too. Just because he said anything he started with me would have to be serious, it didn’t mean he wanted that. It was entirely possible that he liked me—which was why he’d felt like he needed to lure me in—but he didn’t want anything to change.
When Kris had a steady girlfriend, he was locked down. I was sure he enjoyed not having to answer to anyone but himself just as well though. What 24-year-old guy didn’t take full advantage of a bachelor’s lifestyle, given the chance? I wondered if playing the game, giving chase, and keeping me at a distance really was for my own protection. He couldn’t let me down if we never got involved. But it was too late for that after all that had transpired. I needed to know what he wanted, whether or not it involved me.
He took a seat in front of me, right on the edge of the square coffee table. It was solid wood and didn’t creak under his weight. Kris confused me when he let out a light laugh. “Are you always like this?”
His gesture and word choice were slightly off-putting to me and my expression remained rigid, “Like what?”
“So…so…difficult,” he got out. “It’s so hard with you.”
Oh, now you’ve resorted to insulting me?
“Let me apologize for being such a challenge. So sorry to have been an inconvenience for you,” I retorted with a huff.
“Hey now, did I say it was a bad thing?” Smiling. He was smiling at my sarcastic comeback. “Actually, I like it.”
He was still missing the point. I shook my head. “I don’t want to be the girl that you just like chasing.”
“You are unbelievable,” he smiled again, more of a beam this time. “And that’s definitely not what you are to me.”
There. He said it. “No?” I replied, hopeful for a further explanation.
“No,” Kris confirmed. He went silent for a moment as if he was analyzing what he should say next. His expression went serious.
He bit his lip before he spoke, “Do you remember Canada Day weekend after my last year in The Dub? Me and Gavin had a fight.”
“I remember,” I nodded, thinking back and wondering why he was jogging my memory from a few years back, before either of us had made it to the show in our respective professions. “You were mysteriously absent from our barbeque.”
Ever since I could remember, my parents had held an afternoon barbeque on Canada Day, July 1st. It was kind of like a block party to start off the night. In fact, even as adults, Gavin and I made it back to Lethbridge every year for the statutory holiday and for the barbeque. Since Gavin and Kris had been friends from the age of ten onward, the Versteeg boys were always invited and always present.
The year Kris was referring to, he didn’t even make an appearance. After the academic year in Toronto—Gavin was still in university and I was in high school at the dance academy—we were home for the entire summer. Kris was home from Providence, where he’d participated in a very short playoff run, after having spent most of a forgettable hockey season in Red Deer. His brothers showed up to the barbeque without him. When I asked Bryce, Kris’ youngest brother, where he was, he simply shrugged and said Kris and Gavin had butted heads over something the day before. I remembered being disappointed—I was a teenager with a crush. But there was no way, at that time, that I would have asked Gavin why his best friend was missing. I didn’t see Kris at all that weekend but by the time Monday rolled around, the two of them were back to their bromance.
“Gavin never told you what that fight was about, did he?” Kris asked.
My eyes widened at what he was implying. “Are you saying it had to do with me?”
“I...I had the hots for you even then. At the barbeque, I was gonna find a moment alone with you and ask you out on a date,” Kris confessed, stopping my heart. “I told Gavin that that was my plan for…I don’t know, his permission, I guess, and he freaked out. He said that if I did it, then our friendship was over.”
Even then? All along I’d thought that my crush was something that was silent and unrequited but Kris had already liked me four years ago? My brother was the ultimate reason that nothing had ever happened between Kris and me? He’d never even meddled in my love life until I met Luke...or so I thought.
“So you chose Gavin. You couldn’t betray your best friend,” I replied. “I understand.”
“Actually I told him I was gonna go through with it anyway,” he corrected. “I had this idea in my head that we could have had a great summer. Then after, you would be back in Toronto and I’d be in Boston or Providence, so at least we’d be in the same time zone. We could still see each other sometimes.”
Warmth rushed to my cheeks. I blushed at the thought of him coming up with a scenario of us. I’d only cared about how cute and hilarious he was when I was a teenager. I would have liked to be his girlfriend then. “So what happened?”
He grimaced and shook his head. “Like an idiot, I was pre-partying before the barbeque. Pre-partying turned into partying. I woke up hung over the next morning in someone else’s bed. I never even got to see you. But I knew Gavin was right.”
My heart sank in my chest. No, my brother wasn’t to blame for why, after all the time that had gone by, Kris hadn’t paid any attention to me. He had decided it for himself.
“I would have let you down. I was 20 and you were in high school. I know I would have messed something up and you would never be able to forgive me. Then you’d never speak to me again,” Kris said tensely. “Gavin was my running mate way back then, so of course he knew what I was like.”
“Well, he’s still your running mate,” I offered.
Had anything really changed? The NHL trade from Chicago to Toronto had brought Kris and Gavin back together, and they wreaked just as much havoc as they used to when they were just small city boys.
“I wasn’t ready then,” Kris shook his head, “but I’m ready now.”
I looked at him but I didn’t say anything.
“I hadn’t figured out the balance yet. I was a cocky little prick,” he went on. “But I really have grown up since then. I get it, you like me but you’re…you’re totally out of my league. Still, I think we have a real chance now.”
“I’m out of your league?” Unless he meant literally, as in I wasn’t in the National Hockey League, I didn’t know what he meant. I was always intimidated and always self-conscious around him.
Kris shook his head and frowned. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“I just told you that I’ve had a crush on you for years too. But I can tell you make me out to be more than I really am. I’m always ten feet tall to you.” He touched my hand again. “That’s not fair to you. That gives me an excuse to…to…take you for granted. You’re the one who should feel ten feet tall.”
He sighed and cringed at himself, then began his usual nervous tick of drumming his fingers on his knees. “None of this is coming out right. I’ve played this moment out in my head so many times. Now that it’s actually happening, I don’t even remember any of the things I wanted to say to you. They were smart things, I swear.”
I laughed out loud. Of course he still had that effect on me. I didn’t know if he meant to insult me or compliment me, but he could make me laugh. Who else would admit, out loud, that they had to plan out ‘smart things’ to say?
“Take your time,” I offered.
He stopped his nervous tick. For good measure, he sat on his hands. I leaned back against the couch, watching him, waiting for him to continue. I wanted to knock on the coffee table for good luck, for both of us.
“I guess I always had an inkling that you liked me,” he began. “Since that long weekend that I never got to ask you out, I’ve always thought it was a good thing, because in the last couple years I haven’t been ready to be committed long-term to anyone. I told myself that I could come back to you once I was ready and—”
“That sounds horrible, I know. But I don’t mean it in a bad way, I swear,” Kris cut off his own egocentric sentence hurriedly before I could even react. “If you liked me, I didn’t want to disappoint you just because I couldn’t handle it, because I wasn’t ready to be a grown up yet. When I found out I got traded to Toronto, you’re the first person I thought of. You and me could finally happen and this time Gavin wouldn’t be mad and threaten to break up with me because he’d see how I’ve matured. I thought it was perfect. But I should have known, when I saw you at my Cup party this summer, how much you’ve grown up too.”
A smile made its way onto my face. I could see the real Kris again as he spoke. We were in the middle of a serious conversation and he was being sensitive, but he was also being funny and he didn’t even have to try. The line about Gavin breaking up with him, as if their bromance was a relationship itself? So on point.
“You’re not Gavin’s little sister no more. You’re so…cool. Damn it, you’re this totally beautiful, confident little blonde ballerina. You have so much going for you.” Kris’ shoulders slumped. “No wonder you dismissed your crush on me. No wonder you fell for Luke. I never should have asked for his help. And he’s completely legit, too, right? The way he carries himself isn’t a front? A real fuckin’ heartthrob, that guy. But I’m just Kris.”
There was a lot I could say in response. For one, I still wasn’t a ballerina and I wouldn’t get the opportunity to be since I wasn’t a principal. I’d reminded him of the fact, several times over the years, but he still called me that anyway. It was kind of cute though. Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe I kind of liked it.
His most ‘out there’ idea was that I’d ever dismissed my crush since meeting Luke. At Luke’s birthday he’d made up a lie and said that he’d hoped Luke would be enough of a distraction that I would stop crushing on him. Knowing that he wanted the opposite, that he wanted me to like him, and having already admitted to him that I liked him, I was surprised at what he said. Wasn’t he the one who’d tried to make me jealous when I hit it off with Luke?
He had started the game. He had also truly failed miserably at it. Kris still believed the charade. He hadn’t been entirely sure that I liked him, but he was pretty sure, and he’d left it alone for years. He really thought I would trade in my crush on him of multiple years for some other guy? Boy, he really was clueless. As he said, he was just Kris. But I liked ‘just Kris’. I had more than a crush on just Kris. It was time for just Kris to finally get a clue.
“Are you saying you’re jealous of Luke?” I asked.
“Well, he’s the one you ended up liking,” Kris nodded.
His jealously was what Luke and I had worked so hard on. We knew we succeeded because we’d seen it. But hearing Kris say it out loud, that was something else.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a moron. I just started to feel so bad for myself, because I’d created this grand scheme and it backfired. It was all about Luke. He had all the luck. I envied him and when I found out about his ex, I used it as leverage. I was so mean to you at his party. I can’t believe I made it seem like I was annoyed that you had a crush on me, like you were a nuisance. That was so awful and I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Obviously I don’t want to get rid of you. You know that right? Now I’m rambling. But just…everything I did…I created a grand scheme because I wanted you to fall for me.”
He could ramble all he wanted. I silently accepted his apology and I’d already fallen. I was right where he was.
“Look, I know I’m not Luke. I won’t be able to impress you the way he did,” Kris paused, and then he did ramble on, his voice going soft, “but I want the chance to. I’m ready to be the best version of myself. I want to be the one that makes you feel special.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Because he was being genuine, it was the sweetest thing he’d ever said to me. Maybe the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. And, well, Kris had been my ultimate all along.
He removed his hands from under his knees. His eyes of baby blue kept shifting focus, searching mine. His hands clasped together as he leaned forward on the edge of the table. He urged, “Will you say something, Kaylie? Please say something.”
I was already impressed. I always had been. A total heartthrob wasn’t who I was after. But a guy who’d crashed and burned to win me over? I was into that. It was my kind of stupid. Kris’ imperfections were part of his charm. They were part of mine, too. For so long we wanted the same thing – apparently we just had a communication problem.
But no more. He liked me. He thought I was beautiful. He wanted me to feel special. It was time for him to know exactly how I felt about him. And damn it, he looked so cute with his five o’clock shadow and pouty lip.
“No.”
“No?”
“No,” I repeated, shaking my head. “I’m not going to say anything.”
My heartbeat was racing but I smirked. I leaned forward to meet him, our knees touching. My arms settled onto his shoulders and went around his neck. Then, with all of my confidence and all of my feelings, I kissed him.
Gavin was home from his Sunday errands, and he informed me that Kris was home, too. Shuffling through the hangers in my closet was more of a stalling tactic than actually choosing what to wear. I didn’t have to put on a dress or fix my face up flawless just to have a conversation with Kris. What I needed was a confidence boost and to remain calm. I always felt so spastic around him.
The hallway of the 17th floor had never seemed so daunting before. The fire exits on both ends seemed miles away. When I knocked on door 1714, the sound seemed to echo. I let out a deep breath as I heard movement on the other side of the door. The doorknob turned in front of my eyes. Then the door was open and Kris was standing in front of me.
He looked happy to see me. “Hey.”
“Uh…h—hi,” I stammered and immediately cursed myself internally.
We were just greeting each other and I already sounded dumb. The guy standing in front of me didn’t seem to care though. He smiled and reached out across the empty space between us, taking my hand and ushering me into the apartment. Standing in the entryway, his grip was tight as he shut the door behind me and pulled me toward the living room. I didn’t even get the chance to take my shoes off in customary Canadian fashion.
I’d only been in his rented condo a few times. All of the units on my side of the hallway had the downtown view. His side had the lake view. Because Kris’ dislike of heights had more to do with looking straight down and seeing the possible plummet under his feet, the view from the 17th floor outward on the city wasn’t a problem for him. Although our building wasn’t like Luke’s—we didn’t have floor to ceiling windows—the curtains were open and I could see Mimico Harbour in the distance.
Kris stood close to me, our chests almost touching. There was stubble on his face and concern in his light eyes. “Are you still mad at me…for what I did?”
Well, was I?
Knowing all the facts, I didn’t really think I had any reason to be. He didn’t pawn me off to Luke, and Luke hadn’t just played along. In fact, Kris didn’t even know that Luke had switched teams before the game even started. Knowing that he’d been trying to get me to like him, the stupid things Kris did didn’t seem so stupid anymore.
I looked down at our linked hands. It wasn’t the first time we were holding hands and it wasn’t the first time I thought that they looked good together. “I guess not,” I spoke softly.
“Good,” he let out a sigh and then grinned. “That’s good.”
He let go of my hand and went for my waist. We were pressed up against each other then. His free hand went to my face and his fingers brushed over my cheek. My heart pounded in my chest. It wasn’t like dancing. It was sensory overload. It was his head lowered and my chin tilted upward. It was our lips meeting and him kissing me.
Oh my God. He kissed me. I was kissing Kris. It was everything that a first kiss should be. It was tender. I could hear my heart thumping in my ears. Butterflies were soaring in my stomach. But I only got to enjoy it for a moment. Instead of my eyes closing, they widened. I backed away from him and put my hand over my chest, as if that would ease my heart beating out of control.
Kris had concern in his eyes again. “Kaylie, I—”
“You can’t just kiss me and assume everything is okay,” I cut him off. “You can’t just expect that…that…” I frowned, at a loss for the right words. “I don’t even know what you expect.”
“What I expect?” he gaped at me. “Come on. I think I’ve made it pretty obvious by now.”
“You’ve been in Toronto for two months. It took you until yesterday to tell me that if you started something with me it would be different.” I walked to the couch and plopped down, looking up at Kris as I continued, “You were gaming me up until the day before yesterday. How do I know you don’t just enjoy the pursuit? I’m not sure that different is what you want, Kris. I’m not sure that I’m who you want.”
It was probably the most long-winded thing I’d ever said to Kris since I was fourteen. It was very honest, too. Just because he said anything he started with me would have to be serious, it didn’t mean he wanted that. It was entirely possible that he liked me—which was why he’d felt like he needed to lure me in—but he didn’t want anything to change.
When Kris had a steady girlfriend, he was locked down. I was sure he enjoyed not having to answer to anyone but himself just as well though. What 24-year-old guy didn’t take full advantage of a bachelor’s lifestyle, given the chance? I wondered if playing the game, giving chase, and keeping me at a distance really was for my own protection. He couldn’t let me down if we never got involved. But it was too late for that after all that had transpired. I needed to know what he wanted, whether or not it involved me.
He took a seat in front of me, right on the edge of the square coffee table. It was solid wood and didn’t creak under his weight. Kris confused me when he let out a light laugh. “Are you always like this?”
His gesture and word choice were slightly off-putting to me and my expression remained rigid, “Like what?”
“So…so…difficult,” he got out. “It’s so hard with you.”
Oh, now you’ve resorted to insulting me?
“Let me apologize for being such a challenge. So sorry to have been an inconvenience for you,” I retorted with a huff.
“Hey now, did I say it was a bad thing?” Smiling. He was smiling at my sarcastic comeback. “Actually, I like it.”
He was still missing the point. I shook my head. “I don’t want to be the girl that you just like chasing.”
“You are unbelievable,” he smiled again, more of a beam this time. “And that’s definitely not what you are to me.”
There. He said it. “No?” I replied, hopeful for a further explanation.
“No,” Kris confirmed. He went silent for a moment as if he was analyzing what he should say next. His expression went serious.
He bit his lip before he spoke, “Do you remember Canada Day weekend after my last year in The Dub? Me and Gavin had a fight.”
“I remember,” I nodded, thinking back and wondering why he was jogging my memory from a few years back, before either of us had made it to the show in our respective professions. “You were mysteriously absent from our barbeque.”
Ever since I could remember, my parents had held an afternoon barbeque on Canada Day, July 1st. It was kind of like a block party to start off the night. In fact, even as adults, Gavin and I made it back to Lethbridge every year for the statutory holiday and for the barbeque. Since Gavin and Kris had been friends from the age of ten onward, the Versteeg boys were always invited and always present.
The year Kris was referring to, he didn’t even make an appearance. After the academic year in Toronto—Gavin was still in university and I was in high school at the dance academy—we were home for the entire summer. Kris was home from Providence, where he’d participated in a very short playoff run, after having spent most of a forgettable hockey season in Red Deer. His brothers showed up to the barbeque without him. When I asked Bryce, Kris’ youngest brother, where he was, he simply shrugged and said Kris and Gavin had butted heads over something the day before. I remembered being disappointed—I was a teenager with a crush. But there was no way, at that time, that I would have asked Gavin why his best friend was missing. I didn’t see Kris at all that weekend but by the time Monday rolled around, the two of them were back to their bromance.
“Gavin never told you what that fight was about, did he?” Kris asked.
My eyes widened at what he was implying. “Are you saying it had to do with me?”
“I...I had the hots for you even then. At the barbeque, I was gonna find a moment alone with you and ask you out on a date,” Kris confessed, stopping my heart. “I told Gavin that that was my plan for…I don’t know, his permission, I guess, and he freaked out. He said that if I did it, then our friendship was over.”
Even then? All along I’d thought that my crush was something that was silent and unrequited but Kris had already liked me four years ago? My brother was the ultimate reason that nothing had ever happened between Kris and me? He’d never even meddled in my love life until I met Luke...or so I thought.
“So you chose Gavin. You couldn’t betray your best friend,” I replied. “I understand.”
“Actually I told him I was gonna go through with it anyway,” he corrected. “I had this idea in my head that we could have had a great summer. Then after, you would be back in Toronto and I’d be in Boston or Providence, so at least we’d be in the same time zone. We could still see each other sometimes.”
Warmth rushed to my cheeks. I blushed at the thought of him coming up with a scenario of us. I’d only cared about how cute and hilarious he was when I was a teenager. I would have liked to be his girlfriend then. “So what happened?”
He grimaced and shook his head. “Like an idiot, I was pre-partying before the barbeque. Pre-partying turned into partying. I woke up hung over the next morning in someone else’s bed. I never even got to see you. But I knew Gavin was right.”
My heart sank in my chest. No, my brother wasn’t to blame for why, after all the time that had gone by, Kris hadn’t paid any attention to me. He had decided it for himself.
“I would have let you down. I was 20 and you were in high school. I know I would have messed something up and you would never be able to forgive me. Then you’d never speak to me again,” Kris said tensely. “Gavin was my running mate way back then, so of course he knew what I was like.”
“Well, he’s still your running mate,” I offered.
Had anything really changed? The NHL trade from Chicago to Toronto had brought Kris and Gavin back together, and they wreaked just as much havoc as they used to when they were just small city boys.
“I wasn’t ready then,” Kris shook his head, “but I’m ready now.”
I looked at him but I didn’t say anything.
“I hadn’t figured out the balance yet. I was a cocky little prick,” he went on. “But I really have grown up since then. I get it, you like me but you’re…you’re totally out of my league. Still, I think we have a real chance now.”
“I’m out of your league?” Unless he meant literally, as in I wasn’t in the National Hockey League, I didn’t know what he meant. I was always intimidated and always self-conscious around him.
Kris shook his head and frowned. “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“I just told you that I’ve had a crush on you for years too. But I can tell you make me out to be more than I really am. I’m always ten feet tall to you.” He touched my hand again. “That’s not fair to you. That gives me an excuse to…to…take you for granted. You’re the one who should feel ten feet tall.”
He sighed and cringed at himself, then began his usual nervous tick of drumming his fingers on his knees. “None of this is coming out right. I’ve played this moment out in my head so many times. Now that it’s actually happening, I don’t even remember any of the things I wanted to say to you. They were smart things, I swear.”
I laughed out loud. Of course he still had that effect on me. I didn’t know if he meant to insult me or compliment me, but he could make me laugh. Who else would admit, out loud, that they had to plan out ‘smart things’ to say?
“Take your time,” I offered.
He stopped his nervous tick. For good measure, he sat on his hands. I leaned back against the couch, watching him, waiting for him to continue. I wanted to knock on the coffee table for good luck, for both of us.
“I guess I always had an inkling that you liked me,” he began. “Since that long weekend that I never got to ask you out, I’ve always thought it was a good thing, because in the last couple years I haven’t been ready to be committed long-term to anyone. I told myself that I could come back to you once I was ready and—”
“That sounds horrible, I know. But I don’t mean it in a bad way, I swear,” Kris cut off his own egocentric sentence hurriedly before I could even react. “If you liked me, I didn’t want to disappoint you just because I couldn’t handle it, because I wasn’t ready to be a grown up yet. When I found out I got traded to Toronto, you’re the first person I thought of. You and me could finally happen and this time Gavin wouldn’t be mad and threaten to break up with me because he’d see how I’ve matured. I thought it was perfect. But I should have known, when I saw you at my Cup party this summer, how much you’ve grown up too.”
A smile made its way onto my face. I could see the real Kris again as he spoke. We were in the middle of a serious conversation and he was being sensitive, but he was also being funny and he didn’t even have to try. The line about Gavin breaking up with him, as if their bromance was a relationship itself? So on point.
“You’re not Gavin’s little sister no more. You’re so…cool. Damn it, you’re this totally beautiful, confident little blonde ballerina. You have so much going for you.” Kris’ shoulders slumped. “No wonder you dismissed your crush on me. No wonder you fell for Luke. I never should have asked for his help. And he’s completely legit, too, right? The way he carries himself isn’t a front? A real fuckin’ heartthrob, that guy. But I’m just Kris.”
There was a lot I could say in response. For one, I still wasn’t a ballerina and I wouldn’t get the opportunity to be since I wasn’t a principal. I’d reminded him of the fact, several times over the years, but he still called me that anyway. It was kind of cute though. Maybe he did it on purpose. Maybe I kind of liked it.
His most ‘out there’ idea was that I’d ever dismissed my crush since meeting Luke. At Luke’s birthday he’d made up a lie and said that he’d hoped Luke would be enough of a distraction that I would stop crushing on him. Knowing that he wanted the opposite, that he wanted me to like him, and having already admitted to him that I liked him, I was surprised at what he said. Wasn’t he the one who’d tried to make me jealous when I hit it off with Luke?
He had started the game. He had also truly failed miserably at it. Kris still believed the charade. He hadn’t been entirely sure that I liked him, but he was pretty sure, and he’d left it alone for years. He really thought I would trade in my crush on him of multiple years for some other guy? Boy, he really was clueless. As he said, he was just Kris. But I liked ‘just Kris’. I had more than a crush on just Kris. It was time for just Kris to finally get a clue.
“Are you saying you’re jealous of Luke?” I asked.
“Well, he’s the one you ended up liking,” Kris nodded.
His jealously was what Luke and I had worked so hard on. We knew we succeeded because we’d seen it. But hearing Kris say it out loud, that was something else.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a moron. I just started to feel so bad for myself, because I’d created this grand scheme and it backfired. It was all about Luke. He had all the luck. I envied him and when I found out about his ex, I used it as leverage. I was so mean to you at his party. I can’t believe I made it seem like I was annoyed that you had a crush on me, like you were a nuisance. That was so awful and I’m sorry,” he apologized. “Obviously I don’t want to get rid of you. You know that right? Now I’m rambling. But just…everything I did…I created a grand scheme because I wanted you to fall for me.”
He could ramble all he wanted. I silently accepted his apology and I’d already fallen. I was right where he was.
“Look, I know I’m not Luke. I won’t be able to impress you the way he did,” Kris paused, and then he did ramble on, his voice going soft, “but I want the chance to. I’m ready to be the best version of myself. I want to be the one that makes you feel special.”
I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Because he was being genuine, it was the sweetest thing he’d ever said to me. Maybe the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. And, well, Kris had been my ultimate all along.
He removed his hands from under his knees. His eyes of baby blue kept shifting focus, searching mine. His hands clasped together as he leaned forward on the edge of the table. He urged, “Will you say something, Kaylie? Please say something.”
I was already impressed. I always had been. A total heartthrob wasn’t who I was after. But a guy who’d crashed and burned to win me over? I was into that. It was my kind of stupid. Kris’ imperfections were part of his charm. They were part of mine, too. For so long we wanted the same thing – apparently we just had a communication problem.
But no more. He liked me. He thought I was beautiful. He wanted me to feel special. It was time for him to know exactly how I felt about him. And damn it, he looked so cute with his five o’clock shadow and pouty lip.
“No.”
“No?”
“No,” I repeated, shaking my head. “I’m not going to say anything.”
My heartbeat was racing but I smirked. I leaned forward to meet him, our knees touching. My arms settled onto his shoulders and went around his neck. Then, with all of my confidence and all of my feelings, I kissed him.
Omg, its sooo good.
3/15/14