The Longest Time

With James as a part of my social media world I became acutely aware of what I posted, taking care to craft witty, light hearted statuses and share links that would lead him to believe I was far cooler than I actually was. He’d occasionally ‘like’ something or respond with a somewhat vacant unspecific comment and each time I had a notification reminding me he saw me, I felt my stomach tingle and turn.
My first American Thanksgiving was around the corner and according to Jessica it was going to be like nothing I’d ever experienced.
“I’m from Canada, not Siberia. We have Thanksgiving,” I chuckled at her enthusiasm as we folded laundry while watching the post game interviews after a Penguins 3-2 win over Montreal. The kids had been asleep for over an hour and I was too comfortable in the warmth of the Jones house to consider going home.
“Yeah, in October. It’s not the same. It’s an entirely different holiday and you’ll get to meet my husband. My parents are going to be there too, they’re dying to meet the girl who is virtually raising their grandchildren.” She tossed a tiny pair of socks into one of the baskets and grinned.
“I’m not raising them, I’m just a constant positive presence. Like a kooky aunt or stray dog who camps out in your backyard.”
“You might as well move into our backyard, are you ever actually home?” she gave me a curious look.
“Of course I’m home… sometimes. Where do you think I sleep when I’m not on your couch?” I nudged her playfully and moved my folded pile of Jack’s t-shirts into his assigned basket.
“I would have thought next door,” she looked at me with raised eyebrows then winked. “I would have hoped next door.”
“Pshhh,” I threw my head back dramatically. “I’ve told you, there’s nothing going on there. It was one time and we slept on the bathroom floor.”
“The bathroom eh?” Jessica wiggled her eyebrows up and down and shimmed her shoulders suggestively.
“You’re my boss, why are we talking about this?” I shook my head and covered my blushing face with my hands.
“It’d like to think I’m more than your boss, Colbie.” She patted my leg affectionately and her features softened. “You’re part of the family, which is why you’re going to be at Thanksgiving dinner.”
“I’ll wear a pretty dress,” I rolled my eyes and smiled at her.
“And bring a pretty boy?” She enquired.
“No, he’s going to see his parents in Vermont, thank god. He’d probably stand up in the middle of the meal and denounce America, pointing out all the atrocities and hypocrisies in this tradition. Then he’d analyze the colour of your place settings and tell you how inspiring you are as a working woman with so many children.” My voice was getting louder with every word until I ended with a huff, frustrated without reason.
“I thought James was from Ontario,” Jessica finally said after a lengthy pause. She looked genuinely confused and I couldn’t help but giggle at the image of James behaving anything like Leo.
“I…I was talking about Leo,” I said regaining my composure.
“Right, the painter guy. He sounds… special,” special was Jessica’s word for idiotic, weird, and occasionally insane. “What’s James doing?”
“I have no idea, probably something with the team. Don’t they have games?”
“Nope,” she popped the ‘p’ and smirked. “They have a home game the next day.”
“That’s nice,” I tried to avoid the question, averting my eyes from hers.
“If you don’t ask him I will. And trust me, you’d rather he hear it from you,” the threatened light heartedly. I shuttered to think of what she’d say. Jessica was young enough to know the delicate balance of getting to know someone romantically, but old enough to see the importance of being frank.
“Fineee,” I sighed and slumped back against the couch. “But he’s probably already got plans.”
“I bet he’ll be home soon,” she pointed to the clock which read ten past eleven. I’d be suspicious of anyone else who knew the rough schedule of her neighbours, but Jessica was harmless. She’d also lived on the same crescent as hockey players for years and it wasn’t hard to know what they were doing when after a while.
“I should go anyway,” I folded the last shirt in my pile and stood up, stretching my legs. “I have class in the morning.”
“Okay,” she smiled up from her seat. “Thanks for your help.”
“No problem,” I’d made my way to the foyer and grabbed my jacket from the closet. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Have a good night,” she called from the living room.
I noticed his car pull into the driveway and froze. I could either wait for him to go inside, standing like an idiot at the front door, clutching my purse. Or I could walk out at the same time as he got out of the car and find a way to strike up a conversation. I took a deep breath and settled on the latter, opening the door quickly and slipping into the cool air. I hurried down the steps and towards my car, the whole time wishing I had a remote starter. The leaves had fallen, leaving the trees bare and the streets dusty with crumbled foliage. I’d been expecting snow since October but was surprised to find the air crisp but the grass still visible. I definitely wasn’t in Northern Alberta anymore.
“Colbie,” I heard James call to me in a stage whisper. I found his concern for late night noise levels endearing and a grin threatened my lips before I turned to face him.
“Hey,” I called back casually.
“How are you?” he dropped his bag beside the car and started walking towards me. He’d bravely forgone his winter coat and instead stood in the cool air wearing a black and grey plaid suit. I bit my lip and tried swallowed a giggle, but it escaped through my nose in a noisy puff of air, like an excited horse.
“Nice game tonight,” I cleared my throat trying to cover up the embarrassing noise.
“Thanks,” he blushed and shoved his hands in his pants pockets. “You’re here late.”
“Yeah,” I shrugged. “There was a hockey game on, I couldn’t risk missing it on the drive.” I was dangerously close to flirting and reminded myself to tone it down.
“You watch a lot of games?” He shivered but continued to smile, watching me with his kind eyes.
“When they’re on,” I tried to appear casual, perhaps slightly apathetic. I didn’t want him to know I watched all his games and interviews. Goose pimples started to form on my skin in response to the cold air, and likely his presence. I hugged my arms against my chest to capture my own body heat.
“Let me know when you want tickets,” he was standing close enough to me that I could smell his sweet soap. “Like if you want to bring the kids or whatever.”
“Thanks,” I shifted my weight between my feet and tried to keep warm. “So..uhm…” I began nervously. He looked at me interested, receptive to what I had to say. “You probably already have plans, but Jessica is hosting this Thanksgiving dinner and she… I was wondering if you wanted to come? I mean if you don’t have plans already.” My face was hot enough to melt the frost on the grass and I momentarily regretted my proposal.
“That sounds great,” he smiled, flashing his surprisingly nice teeth. I wondered if they were real but didn't want to ruin the moment by asking. “Here, I’ll give you my number.” He held out his hand waiting for my phone and I took a second to study his face before digging it out of my pocket. He smiled hopefully, his cheeks and nose red from the crisp night’s air. He added himself to my contacts in the most casual way possible before texting himself from my phone then handing it back to me.
“Thanks,” I blushed, thankful that he wouldn’t be able to differentiate the redness from blushing from the redness from the cold. “I’ll…uhm… let you know what time and stuff,” I stammered, chastising myself for sounding like a nervous school girl.
We parted ways and I drove home with a growing excitement brewing in my stomach. A playful anxiety coursing through my veins. I had James Neal’s phone number to use when I pleased and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops. Instead I logged into Skype as soon as I walked in the door, not even bothering to take my shoes off first.
“You’re up late,” Mallory remarked after accepting my invitation to chat. Seeing her was comforting, even if it was through my dodgy internet connection.
“I just got in,” I pulled off my jacket and tossed it on the bed.
“And where were you?” She cocked an eyebrow and pretended to sound authoritative.
“Oh y’know,” I shrugged and plopped down on my bed taking my computer with me.
“Celebrating a win?” She winked suggestively and made a crude but hilarious hand gesture.
“You bet! There was underwear everywhere,” I played along and bit my lip dramatically.
“Wait, really?” she broke character and crinkled her eyebrows together.
“No,” I snorted. “I was folding laundry with Jessica. But you will be pleased to know that I now have a Mr. James Neal in my contacts… phone number and all!” I puffed up my chest in pride and looked to the side into the distance like a lion who had just conquered a gazelle, although I’d hardly consider James a gazelle.
“I… I’ve never been so proud of you in my life,” she wiped a fake tear from her eye and a smile broke onto her face. “Promise me one thing?”
“I can try,” I eyed her curiously.
“Promise me you’ll tell me about it when you get him into bed. Like every detail. All the moles and freckles. I want to know it all.”
“Oh good god Mal,” I cried. “You’re something else. I said I have his phone number not his letterman jacket.”
“NHL players don’t have letterman jackets…” She raised her eyebrow and snickered.
“Good night,” I rolled my eyes and waved before closing my computer and falling back onto the bed. It was no secret that I wanted to tell Mallory about every mole and freckle on James’ body, because that would mean I’d seen every mole and freckle. While I did my best to avoid noticing things about Leo, I wanted to create a detailed map of James and write a series of novels describing it all. Frustrated, I crawled under the covers and tried to push the thoughts from my tired mind.

Two days before Thanksgiving and the night before Leo left to visit his parents I lay on the floor of his shared residence. Leo’s house was exactly how I’d imagined it would be: a giant crash pad with mismatched furniture and empty beer cans on every surface. He’d painted the living room walls, strange patterns and characters from floor to ceiling and a giant water bong displayed above the empty fireplace. I had to admit he was talented, but his decorating left something to be desired.
“Are you going to miss me?” he sat down beside me, leaning against a worn out, dusty couch and taking my hand in his.
“Sure,” I replied unenthusiastically, my hand as limp as my voice.
“I’m going to miss you,” he kissed my palm.
“It’s only a few days, I’m sure you’ll survive,” I tried to hide my sarcasm but the words came out with a bitter edge anyway.
“I got the good shit!” One of his roommates burst into the room, interrupting the moment Leo had been trying to create. Three other grungy looking men came in behind him smiling and chattering excitedly. One of them wore thick glasses that I could see had no glass in them, but they all looked like dishevelled, less attractive version of Leo— tight jeans and all.
“Sweet!” Leo grinned and dropped my hand and stood up to greet them. “You guys know Colbie?” he motioned towards me and I sat up slowly.
“She in?” one of them asked, otherwise ignoring my presence.
“Yeah man, she’s cool,” Leo nodded. Despite my baby face appearance I knew what they were talking about. It was the same conversation I’d heard time and time again, the organizing of group drug taking. For the first time Leo was right, I was cool and I was in.
Leo placed the square of paper on my tongue as if it was a romantic act of intimacy, then kissed me obnoxiously. I didn’t make a habit of taking illegal substances, but I was no stranger to the feeling of my limbs going tingly and my mind drifting off to far away lands. It was a welcome escape and not long after the sloppy kiss I started to lose focus of everything around me, a hazy feeling taking over and my thought patterns shifting wildly. I could hear Leo and the other clones blabbering on about something inconsequential but was able to push them out of my consciousness. I stared at the ceiling and watched colour patters appear in the white stucco, the patterns turning into images and scenes before my eyes.
I stood up suddenly, overwhelmed with the need to explore and touch things. I wandered down the hallway and noted the moving doorways, in the living room someone was screaming about the coffee table being alive and even in my altered state of mind I rolled my eyes at them. It wasn’t that I didn’t see things coming to life, I just didn’t need to yell about it. I knelt down to touch the carpet, the swirling pool like surface beneath me and wondered if I could swim in it. When my hand touched the bristly fibres I was disappointed that I couldn’t dive in. Shuffling further down I tried to find a portal in the floor but instead found the bathroom. Closing the door behind me I noticed the hard floor under my feet, I wouldn’t be able to swim in it. For some reason I flicked the light switch seventeen times. Each time was like an atomic bomb, a new awakening, fire works, in some twisted way I was controlling the sun and after turning it on with the seventeenth flick I decided It wasn’t fair to confuse everyone and moved my attention to the sink. The taps dripped a green slime that I could see filling the sink. I wondered if the slime would fill the room, the house and eventually the city, suffocating all of us and creating a new species. I was the only person who could stop this disaster and something told me the only way I could do this was to turn all the taps on. Quickly, I gripped the hot and cold dials and turned them all the way on. The bathtub felt like a world away, to get there I had to pass the mouth of an undistinguishable beast. A porcelain monster that glared at me with shiny eyes and larger than life teeth. I needed to tame it, dominate it. In a sudden act of courage I reached over the beast’s large body and pulled off its tail. Holding the surprisingly heavy and unexpectedly cold tail in my hand I watched the beast fade out. The tail fell from my hands in a thud and shattered on the lava like floor beneath me, pieces of it skipping across the surface. A few more steps and I was at the base of the mountain. I had one final step and after getting tangled in the air, which was far thicker than I’d imagined and took a great deal of yanking to escape from, I twisted the taps as hard as I could and a vibrant, life saving liquid poured out.
Having saved the city, I quickly lost interest and left the loud bathroom in favour of Leo’s bedroom. Pushing the heavy door that seemed to be changing position I entered a room that seemed to made up entirely of technicolor clouds, ecstatic to find this wonderful land I couldn’t stop myself from sharing the good news with someone. I was John Cabot, an explorer who’d set off to find new land, only I’d found the coveted northwest passage. Letting my body fall backwards, the clouds caught me and I felt them cradle my body. I reached into my deep pockets, down to what I thought was my knees and pulled out my phone. I needed to tell him everything. He needed to know I’d found the perfect place for us.
“Colbie?” his voice sounded miles away and I remembered I was in another land.
“James,” I screamed, my voice was high pitched and echoed through our space. “James I found heaven,” I called to him, hoping he’d come to me. “James, I found a heaven!” I repeated. I wanted him to follow my voice and find me. To share my cloud and take my body.
“Colbie where are you?” he said through my hand, each one of my fingers turning into his face.
“James, I’m in heaven. I found a place for us.” I giggled and stared at the five tiny heads on the tips of my pale fingers.
“Are you okay?” They all said at once.
“I’m wonderful James! It’s all so wonderful! Come to the clouds with me,” I begged.
“Where are the clouds Colbie? How did you get there?” His voice was booming and warm, he was the sun singing loudly to me.
“I don’t know,” I looked around the clouds as they changed from pale blues to bright pinks. “I was at Leo’s, then I found them. It’s a miracle. They must have found me. Come to the clouds, James, you’ll like them!” I shrieked so my voice could reach the sun.
“Tell me more about them,” his face grew bigger on my finger tips and continued to grow with every detail i shared. I told him about the colours and the warmth, the sound of the air around me and the emptiness waiting to be filled my him. I told him everything I could think of until I saw him fully in front of me. Glowing and radiating so brightly that I couldn’t look at him directly. Everything around him danced and swam through space and time, I took his hand and pulled him onto the cloud with me.
“You’re the sun, in the clouds. You’re the sun in our land,” I told him and lay my head on his chest to feel the warmth of his fiery surface.
“I am?” he laughed and shifted everything around us. The crashing sound waves leaving his mouth and moving over me.
“Beautiful, beautiful sun. This is our heaven,” I grinned at him and closed my eyes, the sound of a clock inside him ticking in my ears. “Can we stay? Can we stay in our heaven?” I moved my hands along the soft surface of his body and was surprised that he was so, so soft.
“We can stay as long as you want,” he pulled me closer and I could feel myself dancing, everything dancing on the surface of the sun.

Notes

It's been a long time hasn't it? Sorry about that.

I've admittedly never done acid. But I listen to a lot of Jefferson Airplane (hence my username...) and my mind likes to go off in weird places regularly. To anyone who has done LSD, I hope I did the experience justice, and to those who haven't well I'm sure it's not as good as I made it out to be.

Things are getting places...

xx-T