Save Your Heart
Prologue
“I wish I never loved you...”
The rhythmic thump of my heart started to quicken as small beads of water formed and rolled down my pale, emotionless face. I wanted to cover my ears and scream like a child. I wanted to end the call and throw my phone into the streets. I wanted to correct my unbelievably stupid mistake. I wanted to hit pause, rewind, and stop myself from ever getting into this situation in the first place.
“You were a huge mistake...”
A sickness started to slowly poison my stomach. As seconds ticked by, the nausea gained momentum and started to rush through my body. The room I was standing in started to spin. Every inch of me was stiff, like I had just been dipped in cement and set under the hot rays on the sun to slowly dry in this same position, in this same moment, for the rest of my life. Standing here, listening to the words over and over again, feeling sick every time they resonated in my head, wanting to scream every time I realized what I had done, until I eventually wore myself down and crumbled into dust. Small, worthless, confused pebbles with no form or meaning, just a remainder of something that was whole, something that was strong, happy, human.
“I never want to hear you, see you, or even think about you ever again, Ryan Kesler. I hope you fucking drop dead”
The slick black phone that was spitting these words into the air slipped from my grasp and smashed against the hardwood floors beneath me. As the screen shattered, the call ended and the phone shut down, flashing a small silver apple before the screen went completely black. I wasn’t upset about the defacing of my cell phone. I honestly wish that was all I had to worry about, but I had more on my mind.
That phone call. The words she spoke. The girl that spoke them. The way it made me feel. It was all too much for me to handle right now.
“Hey Ry, you aright?” Alex called in the room, poking his head around the side of the door. I didn’t respond. I had no voice. When the man realized this, he disappeared from sight and softly shut the door behind him.
Minutes seemed to fall away as I just stood there, staring out of the window, hands on the top of my head, eyes in a steady gaze on the woods that surrounded the back of the apartment building. The same woods I would walk through thinking about her. The way her dark brown waves would flow in the wind. The small birthmark on her neck that marked her favorite spot to be kissed that made her moan in pleasure. Her bright green eyes shimmering in the warm sunlight. The perfect little smile she made when she knew I was having a bad day that instantly made me feel useful again.
A tear rolled down my face as every inch of my body started to shake as a sob crawled up my throat. Slamming my fists into the wall, my mind started to buzz about how stupid I was. Throughout my whole life, out of all of the girls I had ever spoken to, none of them had even been a competitor to this girl. None of them were within miles of coming close to how perfect she was. She was the kind of girl that deserved everything in the world but would never accept it, the kind of girl that deserved to be in the happiest relationship in the world, but wouldn’t break up with someone for it. She believed in love, in happiness, in me.
I didn’t just let her down.
I destroyed her.
The rhythmic thump of my heart started to quicken as small beads of water formed and rolled down my pale, emotionless face. I wanted to cover my ears and scream like a child. I wanted to end the call and throw my phone into the streets. I wanted to correct my unbelievably stupid mistake. I wanted to hit pause, rewind, and stop myself from ever getting into this situation in the first place.
“You were a huge mistake...”
A sickness started to slowly poison my stomach. As seconds ticked by, the nausea gained momentum and started to rush through my body. The room I was standing in started to spin. Every inch of me was stiff, like I had just been dipped in cement and set under the hot rays on the sun to slowly dry in this same position, in this same moment, for the rest of my life. Standing here, listening to the words over and over again, feeling sick every time they resonated in my head, wanting to scream every time I realized what I had done, until I eventually wore myself down and crumbled into dust. Small, worthless, confused pebbles with no form or meaning, just a remainder of something that was whole, something that was strong, happy, human.
“I never want to hear you, see you, or even think about you ever again, Ryan Kesler. I hope you fucking drop dead”
The slick black phone that was spitting these words into the air slipped from my grasp and smashed against the hardwood floors beneath me. As the screen shattered, the call ended and the phone shut down, flashing a small silver apple before the screen went completely black. I wasn’t upset about the defacing of my cell phone. I honestly wish that was all I had to worry about, but I had more on my mind.
That phone call. The words she spoke. The girl that spoke them. The way it made me feel. It was all too much for me to handle right now.
“Hey Ry, you aright?” Alex called in the room, poking his head around the side of the door. I didn’t respond. I had no voice. When the man realized this, he disappeared from sight and softly shut the door behind him.
Minutes seemed to fall away as I just stood there, staring out of the window, hands on the top of my head, eyes in a steady gaze on the woods that surrounded the back of the apartment building. The same woods I would walk through thinking about her. The way her dark brown waves would flow in the wind. The small birthmark on her neck that marked her favorite spot to be kissed that made her moan in pleasure. Her bright green eyes shimmering in the warm sunlight. The perfect little smile she made when she knew I was having a bad day that instantly made me feel useful again.
A tear rolled down my face as every inch of my body started to shake as a sob crawled up my throat. Slamming my fists into the wall, my mind started to buzz about how stupid I was. Throughout my whole life, out of all of the girls I had ever spoken to, none of them had even been a competitor to this girl. None of them were within miles of coming close to how perfect she was. She was the kind of girl that deserved everything in the world but would never accept it, the kind of girl that deserved to be in the happiest relationship in the world, but wouldn’t break up with someone for it. She believed in love, in happiness, in me.
I didn’t just let her down.
I destroyed her.
