A loud alarm sounded throughout the small apartment. The sudden spike in volume quickly shattered the somber sleep I was in and sent my body, nerves on edge, colliding with the carpeted floor beneath me. Pain vibrated through me, from the very tip of my head all the way down to my lower back. Parting my lips, a groan escaped and with a deep breath, I extended my limbs and laid on the floor, letting my blankets fall from the edge and cover my face.

There was once a time where waking up in the morning wasn’t hard. This was because during this time I had someone to wake up to, a smiling face with bright eyes and a soft kiss to my forehead or nose. Just the thought of what I used to have sent my stomach into a knot. It has been almost a yeah and six months since I started waking up alone. A year and six months since I told the only man I have ever felt feelings for to drop dead.

Then again how could you love a man that could do [i]that[/i] to you.

Rage gushed through my veins, the sick poison latching onto every blood cell in my body. I was hot, sweat was rolling down from my hairline, dripping off the tip of my nose like an icicle placed in the hot sun rays. My jaw clenched, pushing my rows of teeth together, sending a tightness throughout my whole face.

Water filled my eyes, making my outlook on my dim lit bedroom distorted. “I’m not going through this again”, I whispered harshly to myself, scolding myself for being so weak after so long. “It’s been months.” The shock of that statement immediately started to sink in. After months of not seeing him, not being bothered with the drama he caused, not being tortured with the horrible gut wrenching, mind numbing-

“Hey Abs?” A soft female voice flooded my mind stopping the self loathing ditch I was slowly falling back into. A ditch that took me far too long to climb out of.

I tilted my head to the side to see the girls fluffy blue socks against the beige carpet. “Hey Soapy, whats up?” I tried to make it sound like a normal greeting. Which was hard with the huge lump in my throat, but when a hearty chuckle echoed from her, I couldn’t help but smile in victory?

If there was anyone else that was taking my ‘breakup’ hard, it was my little sister, Sophia. Not only did she look up to Ryan for his perseverance and total dedication to his sport that she also played, but she also saw him as a father figure, something that she never had in life.

“You don’t look too good.” She walked over to me pushing a few strands of hair out of my face completely dismissing my greeting. Examining me for a few seconds, she huffed and quickly walked away mumbling something to her self making the only coherent word, a name I didn’t feel like hearing.

“I don’t have work today!” I called out using most of my energy to project my voice through the apartment. Not hearing a response, my body shifted and I stood myself up taking long strides to my door and out into the hallway. “I’m going for a little jog, you down?”

Sophia simply shook her head, clearly bothered by the previous events. I have always wished there was something I could do for her, some string of words I could spew to make her feel better, but it was a lost cause. The brunette was stubborn, close minded and emotionless. After everything we have been through together, all the funerals, rejections, and just normal daily life shit, the only tactic I have created in dealing with Sophia, was giving her space. No speaking, no comforting gestures, no eye contact.

The thought of food made me queasy, and the smell of Sophia’s Kashi blueberry waffles smothered in sugary syrup almost sent me sprinting toward the toilet. So instead of bothering her, I followed my guidelines and slipped back into my room. Changing into my shorts and under armor long sleeved shirt, I grabbed a pair of miss matched socks and my sneakers and headed to the living room.

“What the hell.” The last word that fell from her pink lips hung in the air as if another word was spoken, the earth would shatter. “Again.” She muttered and glanced over at me, now sitting on the edge of the arm chair, fiddling with the black laces of my running shoes. “It’s another lockout”, she stated simply, shoving a huge slice of the waffle into her mouth. With a shrug of her shoulders, she hit the button on the remote and shut off the three men in suits angrily speaking about the sports new issue.

“See you later.” I whispered softly and without another word or motion I left the apartment with a key locked in the single tiny pocket in my shorts.

My cell phone was at home, my problems were at home, everything that was weighing on my shoulders, was gone when I walked out of the door and into the crisp fresh air of Michigan. I would be clear minded, relaxed, and free. No one could find me, no one could call me or bother me about work, no one could tell me any bad news. I was in my own world for as long as I wanted, as long as my body could take running through the cold air of the park.

There was something intoxicating about being able to walk through a town without knowing anyone or seeing any building or street sign that held a strong tie to someone not worth the memory space. It was like you were a new person, after all the years of being someone, you could be anyone you wanted, anything you wanted, with any past you wanted.

“Hey!” My eyes quickly scanned the streets and dismissed the loud voice that had broke the serenity around me. My heart thumped loudly in my chest, and I felt like if I kept scanning the streets, I would see someone, I would gain my identity I hoped to drop.

Winding through streets, I eventually found the city park and when I entered the path covered with trees, a smile surfaced on my face. The only real smile that I could have anymore. This was the only thing that made me happy, down to my mere means of being human.

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After about a half hour, my heart was pounding roughly in my chest, the loud thump not allowing any stray thoughts to cross my mind. Keeping my breathing steady, I took in my surroundings. I was through the park, all the way to the opposite side. That meant that in a few minutes, I would be lying against the bench, eyes in the sky, letting the sweat drip off of my body before I got back up and ran across the park again and back to the apartment.

“Nah man, I don’t think it’s going to last too long.” I shut my eyes and focused on my breath again, trying to drown out the mans deep voice. “It’s just a bunch of bullshit, Alex. We will be back in Vanc...” The loud thump of my heart filled my ears again slowly silencing the rest of the sentence. My eyes shut tightly, angry that I wasn’t able to keep my focus. Crying babies, girls on their cell phones, car horns and police sirens weren’t able to break my clear mind while running, how could a random male voice break it with such ease.

A few minutes passed before I reopened my eyes and put all of my weight back onto my sore legs. The sun was hanging in the sky almost right above me, trying to spread its rays through the thick clouds. It failed, keeping the park empty.

It started slowly, the pound of my feet against the pavement, and soon as I gained some energy, I started my steady pace home. A random guts of wind would blow every now and again, sending loose strands of my hair into my face, causing me to trip a little or stumble. Besides that, I enjoyed the chilly air. It kept dog walkers and bike riders inside, and left an open park for runners.

Blinking some sweat out of my eyes, I quickly looked up and noticed a body moving through the park, in the same rhythmic bob that I had. It was rare you saw someone else running in this park in the middle of the day. I used to know a few people, we would meet up a go for a run and then grab some lunch but it never worked out. If they were men, they would want more than a friendly jog and I would break it off almost instantaneously. If they were female, they would find a replacement, a male replacement, and my name would be lost from their memory within hours.

As the body moved closer, I felt my throat close. The sweat that was running down my face sped up, like someone was pouring water onto my head and every inch of my body had cold blood rushing through it. As the shock started to fade away, my brain went into immediate denial. It was impossible. It was absolutely impossible for it to be true, for it to be him.

I moved closer to him, he moved closer to me, and it was nearly impossible for me to keep my eyes straight ahead instead of on him. My heart wanted to know if it was him, but my brain has learned to take over, thankfully.

The footsteps pounded heavier on the asphalt as my heart pounded heavier in my chest. I felt like my legs were going to stop working, like my body was going to crumble into a pile of dust. We were within a foot of each other. My breath was hiding in my lungs, my eyes were frantic and the thoughts in my head were so loud I honestly thought my head was going to burst open right there and then.

Then I was free. He was behind me and I was a few feet closer to home. My lungs started to take in fresh air, the pouring sweat dwindled to a few drips, and my legs felt like concrete pillars beneath me. I felt strong, like I had just won the most prestigious award on the face of the planet, like I was immortal.

And as soon as that smile crawled onto my lips, it disappeared.

“Holy [i]shit[/i].” The soft male whisper cut through the empty stretch of asphalt. The wind didn't blow. The leaves stuck to the ground, and the trees stayed statuesque, not allowing any other form of sound to be heard except the mans voice. “Abigail.”

I stopped, despite the screaming voices in my head and the giant knot in my stomach.

“Abigail?” His voice was in a frenzy as a few steps slowly got faster and faster until he was in a full sprint. He was coming toward me and I was standing there, like a deer in the headlights of an eighteen wheeler filled with bricks. I was in his sights, my hiding was over. My calm run was shattered, the thoughts were back in my head, the weights were back on my shoulders, and now the very thought of the park sent bad vibes through my body. He had ruined another place that brought me comfort.

“Ab-” His fingers fell short of my arm as my legs quickly jolted my body backwards. I couldn’t bring my eyes past the small logo on his shirt, the blue white and green mesmerizing me. “Just look at me a second, please”, his voice was strained, like if I didn’t move my eyes a fraction of an inch up, he would drop dead right there and then.

So I kept my eyes steady, hoping the ground would open up and swallow him whole.

Nothing like that happened though. Instead, his shaky hand carefully made its way to my chin, and lifted my head up ever so slightly. Just enough so that our eyes would meet. Just enough, so I could see how broken he was. Just enough, so I could get pushed back into the dark pit of self loathing that had taken so long for me to climb out of.

Notes

Let me know how it is :)