AAOOOSC! #3

In Marc-André Fleury's house, Iceburgh and Fleury are watching ROOT TV when commercials come on.
Fleury gets up. "Ugh, commercials are so boring, I'm gonna get more chips."
Iceburgh does some motions.
"What? Why do you want me to sit back down?"
Iceburgh does some more motions.
"Penguin commercials? By the Pittsburgh Penguins?" Fleury sits back down. "I wanna watch that!"
The first commercial by the Penguins comes on.
There is a white room and Chris Kunitz walks into the screen, wearing a suit and tie. "Do you play hockey?" Chris asks.
"Yes," Fleury answers.
"Do you have a hard time knowing when to hit the puck?"
"I don't hit pucks, I stop 'em."
"Do you wish that you don't have to swing your bat--I mean stick--every time you need to hit the puck?"
"Didn't you just hear me, Chris?! I don't hit pucks!"
"Well, look no further--your answer is here with the Auto-stick!" Chris catches a hockey stick thrown at him. "This stick will navigate you to the puck!"
The TV shows a clip of Tyler Kennedy being pulled by the stick on the ice. "AHHHHHHH!!!"
The TV goes back to Chris.
"It can cradle the puck by itself!" Chris exclaims.
The TV shows another clip of Tyler being dragged by the stick again, this time swaying back and forth. "AH! AH! AH!"
The TV goes back to Chris.
"Aaaaand it can shoot for you!"
The TV shows a clip of Tyler crazily whacking the puck at the goal, smacking Vokoun in the face. Tyler flips over and falls on his back. "GAH!!!"
Vokoun takes off his helmet in frustration. "HEY!"
Fleury starts laughing and rolling around the sofa. "Ohhhh Vokoun! You totally deserved that!"
The TV shows Chris again.
"Now, you don't have to do any of the work!"
The TV shows a clip of Tyler being driven into the boards by the stick. "AHHHHHH--" BAM!!! "Owww..." Tyler slumps onto the ice.
The TV turns back to Chris.
"Get your Auto-stick today! It's only for 50 dollars, I mean 50 Norwegian krones, no, no, 50 Canadian dollars. No, wow, it's 50 pounds. Anyways, get your's today! And if you order in the next five minutes, we'll double your order! Yes! Two Auto-sticks for 50 Australian dollars! But it doesn't stop there! Also get the Stick-a-Puck, which never leaves your stick!"
The TV shows Tyler trying to pass the puck to Pascal during a game, but the puck would not come off his stick.
"Come on, Ty!" Pascal exclaims. "Hurry up--this is a fast-paced game!"
"The puck just won't come off!" Tyler shouts back. The Auto-stick starts pulling Tyler away. "AHHHH!!!"
A bunch of Buffalo Sabre skaters start following him.
"Oh gosh," Pascal mutters.
The TV turns back to Chris. "Include the Stick-a-Puck for only 12 more Euros! But I haven't forgotten about you goalies, yet!"
"It's about time!" Fleury exclaims.
"There's also an Auto-stick for goalies as well!"
The TV shows a clip of Vokoun waving his stick wildly while he's screaming in Czech.
"Tento hloupý hůl nebude zastaví! Nenávidím ho! Je to nepříjemné! Pomozte mi někdo!" (This stupid stick will not stop moving! I hate it! It's annoying! Someone help me!)
Fleury starts laughing again. "Oh look at Vokoun yelling in his own cute language!"
The TV shows Chris.
"So if you get all these wonderful hockey items, you would only pay 120 Danish krones! I mean 120 yen! So get your's today!"
The TV shows all the information for buying the product.
And advertiser starts talking. "Get your Auto-stick, another one free, the Stick-a-Puck, and the goalie Auto-stick for only 120 pesos, handling and shipping not included. Call (412) 141-4141 or visit hockeyhelpfulness.com. Zdeno not included."
Fleury claps his hands. "Beautiful job there, Chris, but I will not buy your product."
Iceburgh claps his hands as well.
Then the next commercial comes on.
"Where should we eat tonight?" the announcer asks.
Matt appears on the screen, cooking. "At Chef Matt's"
The TV starts showing the restaurant and Italian food that is served at the restaurant. "Chef Matt's has really good Italian food from pasta, to pizza, to dessert. It is great for your family--" The TV shows Pascal eating with his family. "--the two of you--" The TV shows Deryk Engelland with his wife. "--your friends--" The TV shows Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin eating together and laughing. "--and your team." The TV shows the whole Pittsburgh Penguins team eating together. "But sorry, no Flyer fans allow." The TV shows a face of Claude Giroux and puts a big, red 'X' on it. "Watch a Penguins game here you'll get 50% off on your favorite beer, such as Dark Bud and Ryan Lite. Go here in the next five minutes and you can buy twenty bowls of pasta and get five Italian sodas free! And whenever the Pens win, you get a free basket of bread with the imprints of the Penguin players' faces."
Fleury frowns. "That's scary. I don't want anyone eating my face."
"So come over to Chef Matt's!"
The TV shows Matt again cooking. "In here, we're Penguins!"
Announcer continues talking. "Offer lasts from October first to whenever the Pittsburgh Penguins loses the playoffs. Got to be a Penguins fan to qualify for discounts. No lying, playing, imitating, mimicking, or disguising allowed. No over-eating, use leftover boxes if you're too full. No coupons needed. Zdeno not included."
"Dang it, Vokoun wasn't in it, but it was a cool commercial."
Iceburgh nods his head.
"I want to make a commercial."
Iceburgh makes some motions.
"It'll be promoting a game called: 'Piss the Vokoun!'"
Iceburgh looks at him.
Fleury chuckles. "I think it's funny!"
Iceburgh points to the TV.
"Oh! The commercials are over!"
Fleury and Iceburgh continues watching ROOT TV.

The End.

Notes