All of me

"I got the internship!"

I had to call Reilly right away!

"I knew you would babe! Congrats!"

"Thank you! It's only part time but they let me pick my own schedule which is awesome!" I couldn’t stop shaking.

"I’m so happy for you! I know how much you wanted this. Sorry I can't be there to celebrate with you tonight"

"It's okay! I'll see you in a few days! Good luck tonight!"

"Thanks Emms! Bye"

Reilly and I had been seeing each other for over a month now. I still couldn't believe it. He had been so busy with hockey and my workload was only getting worse but it worked out somehow. We made it work.

One day after practice, I meet Reilly at Cafeteria, a small outdoor restaurant on Newbury Street. I wanted to talk to him because I noticed that something was off, he seemed a little down lately.

I got there before him, found a parking spot and sat down. After a half an hour, Reilly pulls up and finds a parking spot right in front of the restaurant. I see him walk into the door, and he forces a smile.

"Hey!" I stand up and give him a quick peck on the lips.

"Hi! Sorry there was a lot of traffic getting here"

"It's okay, you got pretty lucky with the parking spot right there, took me 30 min to find one, and parallel parking sucks" I shook my head. He started laughing.

"You didn't hit anyone's car while parking did you?" He said with a chuckle.

"I would never! And I don't know what you're talking about, I’ve been told that I’m an awesome driver" Doing the classic hair flip.

"Uh huh" he puts his head down.

"Excuse you! Can you just pick what you want already. I've had 30 min to decide so I know what I want" giving him an attitude.

"Jeez so demanding” He winks “Okay, got it."

“So you start your internship this week right? Are you excited?”

“Yes! I’m freaking out though, but I’ll be fine!”

“You’re going to love it don’t worry! You’ll be good once you get the hang of it”

“Hope so” as I take a deep breathe. My mind was on something else and I didn’t know how to bring it up.

We got our entrees and I was debating on whether I should say anything. I figured I’d go for it.

"Reilly, can I ask you something?"

He lifts up his head slowly from the plate and looks up at me.

"Sure, what’s up?"

"Ok, Please don’t take this the wrong way. But over the past few days I've noticed that you have been a little off, Is everything okay? Is there something bothering you?"

He looks at me for a few seconds.

"No, I'm fine, really. Coach has been a little hard on us over the past few days. I'm just a little beat that all..."

"Oh okay, sorry." I grab the fork and about to take a bite of my salad.

He reaches over the table, grabs my hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

“I’m okay, really.”

I give him a smile and nod my head.I wasn't convinced but I let it go. If he wanted to tell me he would...when he's ready.

The next few days seemed a little better until I got a voicemail later on that week. I was at work and hadn’t noticed that he had called. As I walk to my car I listen to the voicemail.

"Hey Emma, it's me. Listen something came up and I have to go to home for a couple of days. I'm about to take off now. Everything's fine, I'll text you when I land. Talk to you soon. Bye."

What? He's in Toronto? It must have been a family emergency. Why else would he pick up and leave.

I called him a few times the next day but he would not answer. I barely heard anything from him those couple of days, he had missed one practice. I just got a text saying that he'd be home in a few days.

"Has Adam said anything to you about Reilly?" I ask Katie, hoping to get some answers or idea what was happening.

"I asked him today and he said coach said it was a family emergency and he needed to take care of a few thing but will be back before the game on Tuesday."

"Oh okay thanks!"

He needed to take care of a few things? Reilly, What is going on?

"Hey, Are you home?" I hadn't texting him that much since I was not getting any answers back from him and I didn't want to be annoying.

"Yeah, I just came home a few hours ago, I was just about to text you. Want to grab lunch?"

"Lunch sounds good. Want me to come over and make something real quick?" I didn't wanna go out to lunch. We needed to talk.

"Sure"

Ok...

“Wait, Is he back?” Katie asks

“Yeah today apparently”

“He didn’t text you though?”

“Nope, I’m going to go over for a bit. I need to talk to him Katie. Something’s wrong and he won’t tell me. Maybe he won’t tell me, I don’t know” as I put my hand in my hair.

“I’m sure everything’s fine. I’m sure he’ll open up to you and has a good explanation. He’s a good kid, you know that better than any of us.” She comes over and gives me a hug.

“Yeah” as I force a smile and grab my car keys.

I went to grocery store real quick and before heading over to his place. I figured the earlier I got there, the better because he did have a game later on that night and I didn’t want to keep him. I park my car and start to head up the stairs. As I entered his hallway, I heard people arguing and shouting. The closer I got, I noticed it was coming from Reilly apartment because the door wasn't fully shut.

"Why did you come here?! You need to leave! My girlfriend is going to be here any minute. What am I going to tell her?!”

What. My heart was beating out of my chest. I couldn't breathe.

"The truth Reilly! I couldn't go home, my parents kicked me out after they found out! They won't even look at me and it's not like its just my fault! Please I can’t do this alone”

"I can't do this right now! Wait, How do you know where I live?!"

"I followed you from the airport..."

"Great. This is fucking ridiculous!" Then there was a dead silence. I heard footsteps around the house.

I didn't know what to do. I was so confused. What was going on. Do I go in? No, I need to get out of there.

I put down the groceries and prepare to leave and as I put them down the pasta jar made a loud noise as it hits the ground. Damn it.

I began to walk out the hall and before I reached the door of the stairway, I hear footstep.

"Emma wait!"

I kept walking. He finally catches up to me.

"Please let me explain."

I just stare at him. My eyes start to tear.

"What are you keeping from me Reilly?" in a defeated exhausted voice. Tears make their way down my cheeks.

"I don't know where to begin..." Putting his head down. I could tell he was hurt and it killed me to see him like this.

That's when I see a blond girl walking out of his door and head towards us.

"I do! Hey there! I'm Jess!"

I just kept staring at her. What did she expect me to do? Give her a handshake or something?

"Alrighty then, how can I put this...I'm pregnant with his baby, as you can tell. Isn't that right Reilly?"

She opens up her pea coat and revels her growing belly.

She looks at Reilly as he looks at me with a defeated look and shook his head.

“See that wasn’t so hard”

"Can you give us a minute!" he said through his teeth, not even looking at her.

"It was a pleasure meeting you!" She smiles and skips back into his apartment. I couldn't stand her.

"Emma...I'm so-"

"Reilly, stop." As I put my hand out. “You don’t have to explain anything to me” as I try to walk past him. He puts his hand on stomach and stops me.

“Yes I do, Emma! You’re everything to me...Please hear me out”

I slightly nod my head.

“The truth is when I got to Boston, I was very excited at first but after the first month, I felt like I didn’t belong. I didn’t have any friends. It seemed like the guys here had already formed their own cliques and I was just the other guy from that Dallas trade that no one had ever heard off. I would go home whenever I had the chance because I need to get out of here. And in November we had a few days off and I decided to go home. My best friend Chris had thrown a party one night and Jess was there. We went to high school together, so we had been on and off for a couple of years. I don’t know what got over me that night, and all I did was drink. I blacked out so I don’t really remember most of it. She claims that we slept together and she is now pregnant with my child. She called me a few weeks ago, and told me what had happened, and how she had been keeping this for me. That’s why I left and went home. I’m going to have a paternity test but for now she claims its mine. Her parents kicked her out and that’s why she is here.”

He takes a deep breath and continues.

“I’m so sorry for not telling you earlier, I just didn’t know how to tell you. I’m embarrassed because I never get that drunk. It just felt right at the time and I was hoping it would numb away the pain.”

I just stared at him.

“Please say something...”

“Wow, this is a lot to process.” I take a deep breath.

“But for right now, I think it’ll be best if we...focus on our own things and go our separate ways...” I said as I tried to keep everything bottled up inside.I was ready to burst.

“What? No, Emma please don’t do this”

“Do what Reilly?! She has no where to stay and you can’t just kick her out! She’s carrying your child, what do you want me to do? You have a lot of things to talk about and straighten out. I think this is the best solution...”

“Please...I need you!” tears were forming in his eyes.

“She needs YOU Reilly! Now more than ever” Every word that came out of my mouth was like a bullet hitting his heart and I didn’t want to do this. It killed me seeing him like this.

“I don’t know what the future holds for us Reilly, but as for right now you have to focus and think about your child...I’m sorry.” I place my hand on his wet cheek.

“Emms...please”

“I knew this was too good to be true” I said under my breath.

“Bye Reilly” as I open the door and walk down that stairs.

Seeing him standing there hurt, confused, was so painful. I hated myself for doing it. I regretted it as soon as I walked down the stairs.

Keep it together, please keep it together. As soon as I get in the car, I drive to the nearest parking lot. I just wanted to get away. Away from him, away from her, everyone. I pull into a random parking lot, I turn the car off. I put my face in my hands and let it all out. My whole body numb. I couldn’t stop shaking. And I wasn’t even mad at him. Its not like he cheated on me, it was way before he even knew me. I was more mad at myself for leaving him like that, when he really needed me. I was being so selfish. I know. Pull it together. I take a deep breath. I turn on the car and drive home with the windows down. The cold crisp air felt good and soothing on my red puffy skin. I parked in front of the house and prayed the girls weren’t home.

I walk home and see Katie come out of the bathroom.

“Hey! How’d it go-Emma?! What’s wrong?!” as she pulls me into a hug.

Here come the tears again.

“Shhh, its okay sweetie!” I tried to open my mouth but nothing would come out.

“Reilly...” Thats all that would come out

“What about Reilly? What did he do?”

I calmed down until finally I could speak.

“I went over to Reilly’s apartment and he was having an argument with this girl. She claims that he got her pregnant a few months ago. He doesn’t remember because he was drunk and blacked out.”

Katie gets up and gets a box of tissues.

“Here you go sweetie” as she hands them to me.

“Thanks”

“I’m so sorry. Are you sure its his, that bitch could be lying”

“Maybe, I don’t know...I have no idea...he said he would have a paternity test when the baby is born but that’s not happening anytime soon. But he’s stuck with her the whole time. Her parents kicked her out and he can’t just abandon her. I’m not going to stand in the way between him and his child.” His child. Those words brought more tears.

“So where does that leave you and Reilly?” Katie said, afraid to ask.

I shake my head.

“I told him we should go our separate ways for now. He has a lot of things that he has to figure out and its just too much for me to handle...I can’t.”

“Everything’s going to be okay”

“Seeing him standing there as I walked out. It killed me. I regret saying all of these things to him. He needed me and I walked away.”

“I mean I understand why you did...Please don’t blame yourself.”

“everything was going so well...” I shake my head.

“I know, I know” as she pulls me into a hug.

Katie got me a blanket and we sat in the couch. I fell asleep and when I woke up, Katie was watching the game.

“I’m sorry, I’ll take it off” as she tries to switch the channel.

“No, its okay. I don’t mind”

“You sure?”

“Yeah its not a big deal, I’m okay”

Reilly was so aggressive during that game. He needed to let it out somehow. He got put into the penalty box, causing the Senators to have a power play in which they scored. Just hearing his name and seeing his face as too hard.

I laid back down, facing opposite of Katie and the TV.

“You okay hun?”

“I’m fine” trying to sound convincing as I cover myself with the blanket and tears make their way down my face, soaking the pillow. Kept closing my eyes, hoping to wake up from this dream. If only.

Notes

Hey Hey! Sorry it took me so long to update. The last few weeks of the semester are approaching and everything has been crazy. I'll do my best to update as soon as I can! Thanks again for all of your support! It means a lot!

Happy Easter! :)