Still There For Me

The way things happened between Sidney and I have gone the opposite of what people would have thought. From once being so in love to being as far apart as we possibly could be in the matter of a week. We haven’t really spoken since a few days after the fight. What was said that night was absolutely horrible, and over the few days after it got worst.

We got so heated in our arguments that we decided we couldn’t continue to be with each other for the next little while. I had already had my doubts that he could have been cheating on me, but seeing the kiss only made that feeling worst, and in a way, made that feeling a reality. I never wished to have ever seen that happen. But I did. I understand that Sidney wasn’t the one who kissed her first, but it was how he handled it was really what caused this.

Hearing him say those words that we shouldn’t get married crushed me. I have wanted to marry him all my life and I really thought we would get married. But the way things are right now, I don’t think it’ll happen.

Sidney and I have been living in separate houses over the past few weeks. He decided that it would be best if he lived somewhere else for a little while so we could figure our shit out. He moved in with the Lemieux’s and has been staying there while I’ve been at his house with our kids. He said it was easier since their stuff is already there and they were more comfortable there. He still comes over to spend time with them and see them when he’s home and not practicing or training. He’s been on the road a lot lately and I don’t think he’s fully thought it through.

It’s painful parenting on my own for the most part. I don’t like this lifestyle. It’s different now more than ever because he doesn’t come home at the end of the night and spends time with them the next day, or he doesn’t come home after a road trip to them and pick up the slack. I want him to see them as much as possible if we aren’t together, and I don’t want my kids to grow up not seeing their dad when he’s home. This is so hard for me but until this gets figured out this is how things need to be. I need an apology.

I will say, he has made a great effort of seeing the kids, but there has been none to me or to us. When he comes over it’s a quick hi, spends time with kids while I get things done, and goes home at the end of the day. It’s terrible. I wish he could have that conversation with me that I’ve been waiting for.

As I lay here curled up in bed with my two kids gently sleeping beside me, and I look over at them, I can’t help but feel like a failure. I feel like I’m responsible for our family being the way it is now, and that I’m the reason why Sidney and I have fought so much. They miss their daddy just as much as I do, and they don’t deserve this. I hate watching his games for them just to be able to see him. It hurts me more to see that he’s been playing poorly compared to what he’s used to.

Reflecting back on some of the things Sidney and I have said I think it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be mad about this anymore. Half regretingly I pull out my phone and text Sidney, “hey, wanna talk tomorrow?” I placed my phone down thinking I would wake up to a reply.

“Sure. Where?”

“You can come over here? The kids are spending the day with Vero and Flower so they can get used to having a child.”

“Perfect. 11 good?”

“Sure.”

“See you then.”

Well, I’m glad I got that out of the way. The real trouble is trying to go to sleep at night. Night is always the worst. I feel so lonely without him next to me. It’s almost like I forgot what it’s like not sleeping next to him, I’ve gotten so accustomed to it. I don’t feel as safe and I feel so much colder, and alone. There are those nights where I’ve been so upset that I just needed to be consoled by someone, and whether I was with someone or not, Sid was the one I’d turn to. And for the first time in my life I can’t go to him about something. That’s one of the hardest parts.

**The Next Morning**
Flower picked up the kids about an hour ago, so now it leaves me to talk to Sidney. Three weeks since we’ve had a real in depth conversation. I look at myself in the mirror, I look like crap. Hair is everywhere but in the bun I wanted it to be in. My eyes are swollen and puffy from crying. My skin has broken out from the stress. This is not how I normally am.

After a hot and peaceful shower I walked to my walk in closet. I look over at the picture on my nightstand of Sidney and I during my pregnancy photo shoot with him in the fall. We were so happy, and we didn’t even know we were in love with each other yet. I would kill to be as happy as that right now.

My outfit isn’t as confident as I would like it to be but beggers can’t be choosers. He’ll just have to deal with it. I cannot deal with this anxiety of seeing him. My heart is in my stomach and it feels like I’m gonna poop it out. Knowing Sidney, who is always on time, he came right at 11. Crap, here it goes.

I open the door. “Hey,” I said, “come on in.”

“Thanks,” he said, hands in his pockets, not making eye contact yet. He removed his beanie, revealing a hair cut. God I love his hair short like this. He put his coat where he always does, on the bench.

“Do you want anything?” I offered, going on my way to the kitchen.

“Can I please have a coffee?” he asked taking a seat in ‘his’ seat.

I picked up a mug and brought it in to him. He gave me a confused look, and I replied, “I figured you’d want one.”

He nodded and said, “thank you.” After an awkward silence he asked, “so what did you call me in here for?” I sat down on my spot on the couch.

“I think it’s time we have that talk. I don’t know about you but this is killing me. I can’t keep going on like this wondering what we are and if we’re together or not. The Kylie keeps asking about you and I don’t know what to tell her. I don’t want to use work as an excuse for everything of why you aren’t here. And Ty, he’s almost walking and I keep stopping him so you don’t miss his first steps. Especially when you’re on the road. What are we Sid, what are we doing?”

“I don’t know what to tell you. I mean, what we said in our argument was uncalled for on both ends. That night that Alexia kissed me I was never more scared of hurting or losing you in my life. I love you to death and I don’t want you to think I’m a cheater. I never have cheated on you, and never would. And to hear that you thought I was cheating on you and called me a stereotypical hockey player, that killed me. You know I’m not that guy Ashley. I understand you were mad and heartbroken, but so was I.”

“And I understand that, but I think it was just a build up of so many emotions that it all came out at once. Your comment on not wanting to get married hurt me more than anything. You know how bad I have been waiting and pushing for that and for you to say that in a matter of seconds and not take it back really stung. I don’t think you ever wanted to get married to me and just proposed to me just to shut people up.”

His head was down and knuckles were white. I could tell what he was thinking. “You’re right, I did that in a way. I wanted to propose to you for a while, and I knew I couldn’t just sit there and waste time. I wanted a special moment, and it was special when I did it. But to be honest I wanted to wait a little longer. I knew you’d be stressed about this season and I didn’t wanna make it worst by adding the stress of planning a wedding. And look where that got us. But I did step out of line. You’re not a crazy bitch, or any other names I called you. And I know I acted crazy and completely not like myself but I’ve been stressed out and I’m worried about my career more than ever. I know you know that but you will never know the level. I’ve been a wreck since the lock out was announced. I just want to support you and the kids as much as I can before this is all gone.”

“I know Sidney, and I didn’t mean anything I said either. I was just hurt that you weren’t saying anything about this and that everything was just one big argument. I don’t think anyone deserves that and we only created more stress on each other instead of helping each other through it.”

“So what do you want to do about this?”

That’s the real question right now.

Notes

Outfit for the chapter: http://www.polyvore.com/cgi/set?id=130136212
Interesting chapter eh? Thank you so much for reading! Just letting you know there are a few chapters left! Let me know what you guys think! Thanks for reading!