Either You Do...Or You Don't

Allison’s POV:

I pulled into his driveway right at 4:30 and headed up to his door. I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about, but I was nervous. Nervous about what it was, if it was serious or if it was about me…

What if he knew about me and Brian? What if one of the girls from work somehow managed to tell him? What if Brian had told him? I gulped as I raise my hand up to knock, but before I could, he answered the door. “I saw you pull in.” he greeted, kissing me on the cheek. “Come in.”

“What’s going on with you, James?” I asked, feeling my body tense up.

“It’s just some stuff with Jennifer…” he started

As always…that girl was always causing trouble. I don’t see what James ever saw in her. “Ok?”

James sighed, “Allison…there’s a lot more going on than you already know…”

“What do you mean? I know she took the kids…”

“Yes, but you don’t know why she got custody…or what all led up to this…” he began. I nodded, urging him to continue, “You see…Jennifer and I split the first time because I cheated on her with a stripper from Jordan Staal’s bachelor party. Well, there ay have been footage of said cheating…”

“You filmed it?!”

“Not on purpose…my laptop cam got left on…the only thing I purposely did was save it and maybe edit it. I know it was stupid, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. Anyways, it was saved on my laptop and I lent my laptop to Jennifer when we were on good terms and she must have found it and saved it.”

“Okay…what does this have to do with the kids?”

“She showed it to the judge and brought up some old stuff that happened in Dallas…I’ve done a lot of stupid shit, Allison, but I never did anything that would hurt my kids…all the stuff was in the past and she used it against me and won custody…So I called my lawyer and discussed my options…” he sighed. “I just wanted to be the one to tell you…I didn’t want you to find out by someone else telling you. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I’ve paid for them.”

I nodded, “Why is she doing this?”

“I don’t know…”

“Has she always been like this?”

James shook his head, “No. She used to be really cool and laid back. When we met in Dallas, she wasn’t crazy, vindictive, or anything like that. After she moved to Philly, something happened…when I got traded here and we got back together, things were different. Sure she’d still do anything and everything for me, but she wasn’t the same…I tried to find out what happened, but she never told me. We just started falling apart.”

“Is that why you cheated?” I asked, curious.

“Honestly? I was just really fucking drunk. Not saying that’s an excuse, but it’s true…she just came up to my hotel room with me and it happened…That was the first time…Jen caught me the second time, which I take full blame for. I was tired of Jen not being there, not telling me what was wrong…”

“I see…is that why you had sex with Melanie…”

James looked at me confused, “What?”

I sighed, “I’m sorry…I keep bringing that up…I just don’t get why…”

“I wanted sex and she offered it. It’s not more complicated than that.”

“There had to have been more than that!” I pressed

James blinked, “You and I had fallen apart. I was mad and angry at you for leaving with Max, so I had sex with your best friend, hoping she’d tell you so you’d get angry. But Melanie didn’t tell you…and after the first time, I wanted more. Wanted her more…that’s why it kept happening. Lust. Purely lust…she may have had feelings for me, but honestly? I just wanted sex from her. I’m a jerk, I know, but that’s the truth…”

I stared at him stunned. I had always felt that he had just used her, but hearing him admit it…that stung. “Does she know…”

James nodded, “Yeah…when we split because she cheated. She wasn’t mad about it…she said that she always kind of knew it, but she hoped that she’d change my mind…why are we talking about this?”

I took a deep breath and sighed, “I had sex with a guy from work…”

James’ POV:

“I know.” I replied

“You know? How do you know?” Allison asked, confused

“I could see the way he was looking at you at the game…like a hawk stalking his prey…and the way you looked back at him.” I shrugged, “But it doesn’t matter to me. I mean…it was just a hook-up, right?”

Her silence made my jaw tighten. Allison couldn’t look me in the eyes and her voice was barely even a whisper when she mumbled, “I don’t know…”

“What?” I felt my pulse start to beat faster and I tried to calm myself, remembering I wasn’t supposed to let my blood pressure get to high. I held my breath and counted back from ten before continuing. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

“James, I…I don’t know. I just…I mean I love you, you know that, but I…I like Brian.” That stung, but I knew how she felt. I had felt the same things with Jennifer and with Melanie. I just nodded.

“Fuck…I’m sorry…” she mumbled as she started crying.

“Don’t cry. I understand.” I said pulling her into a hug.

Allison sobbed, “I’m sorry…”

“Stop saying you’re sorry Allison…”

“Why?” she asked, looking up at me, her eyes puffy and red.

“Because you have no need to be. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I only had sex with him to get back at you. Isn’t that wrong?” she argued.

“I deserved it.” I shot back. She looked at me and choked back tears. “I’m not prefect either

Allison. I’ve done bad things in my life too. Things I’m not proud of.”

“I know…”

I sighed and said the one set of words I hated saying to her. “I think we need to put ‘us’ on hold until we figure ourselves out. You need to figure your things out and I have to figure my things out. I love you and I do eventually want to restart a relationship with you, but not at the pace we’re going right now…because where things stand right now, one of us is going to end up hurting the other…”

Allison nodded, “Okay.”

“So…I guess this is goodbye for now?”

Allison nodded before kissing me on the cheek and walking out the door…

Notes

So sorry for the long update!!! I have limited internet use at the moment:/