-Sean-
I had come home from our trip to New York and found my parents watching tv in our living room. They told me that Charlie had gone to take a nap about an hour ago, and that they were thinking about going sight-seeing for a little bit. While I live in the Philly area most of the year, they rarely come to visit and they try to see a little bit of the city whenever they can. Since they knew Charlie and I have to go to a doctor’s appointment, they decided to check out Reading Terminal Market for the afternoon.

Once they left, I quickly peeked into the bedroom to check on Charlie before heading to the kitchen to figure something out for lunch. I was half way through making myself a sandwich when I heard Charlie scream from the bedroom. I quickly dropped the bread I was holding and rushed to her.

When I got into the room, I found Charlie in a sweat, thrashing around on the bed. She was still asleep, so I shook her shoulder to wake her. She screamed again, out of pure terror and it, to put it mildly, was heart wrenching. I shook her again, and her eyes flew open.

I can’t even describe the amount of fear I saw in her eyes. I’ve never seen anyone that afraid in my life, and it instantly broke me that she was feeling that way. Her eyes quickly scanned the room and I began speaking to her in a soft tone, trying to comfort her in any way possible. She began shaking and crying, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I laid back on the bed and pulled her against my chest, continuing to talk to her.

That’s where we are now, with me holding her. She eventually stops crying and calms down enough to cuddle into my grip.

“It felt so real.” She whispers.
“It wasn’t, Charlie. It wasn’t.” I tell her.
“It could have been.” She says.
“But it wasn’t. It was just a dream.”
“I failed.” She sobs.

I have no idea what she means by that, but I continue to remind her that it was just a dream, and that she’s safe here with me. I keep thinking about what Christina told me when we left, about how wounded veterans always break. It sounds horrible to say, but I hope this is Charlie’s breaking point. I hope this is when she falls apart. Because then I’ll finally be able to help her put the pieces back together again. I can’t help her when she refuses to let anything be wrong.

“Oh God, your parents.” She says out of the blue. “They think I’m crazy.”
“They’re not here.” I tell her. “They left a little while ago. Before you started screaming.”

She sighs and I can see the relief in her face. She wants them to love her so badly. She knows they already do, but her confidence is shot. Something in her brain is telling her that there’s still a possibility that they might not accept her. Well, they have. And they always will. She’s going to be their daughter-in-law soon. They’re going to be her family. And family accepts you no matter what you’re going through.

“Charlie, I don’t want to push you... But I want to know what just happened.” I say.
“I-I can’t. You’ll judge me.” I almost don’t hear her she says it so quietly. I pull back and stare into her eyes.
“I will never judge you, baby.”

I can see her brain debating with itself, and I hope that she makes the right decision to talk to me. She takes a deep breath and begins telling me her dream.

The entire time she’s describing her nightmare I feel like crying along with her. I fight back my tears for the first part of the story, but can’t control them when she gets to the part with the five little kids. I remember how defeated she was after they died. I thought she had gotten past that, but I guess not. I feel helpless because I have no idea what to do to help her through this.

When she finishes telling me the story, we lay there for a minute, just holding each other in our arms. I’ve honestly never felt this close to Charlie in my life. I’m so glad that she’s finally opening up to me. I finally have some idea of what’s going on in her head, even if it scares the hell out of me. I have no idea how to help her, but I know that I’m going to do whatever I can.

Charlie stirs, and I realize she’s trying to sit up. I help her, and she quietly puts her prosthetic on, sliding on a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie as well.

“We have an hour and a half before we have to leave.” I say. “What are you doing?”
She doesn’t respond, but moves to put on her other shoe.
“Charlie? Where are you going?”
Her only response is a sniffle. She’s got her back to me, but I know she’s crying again.
“Charlie.” I reach over to grab her arm, but she pulls away quickly.
“Baby, what are you doing?” Panic is setting in, and it’s evident in my voice. She stands and walks over to the door before turning back to me.

“Kelsi was right. You deserve better than me.” She says.
“How can you possibly say that?” I explode, jumping from the bed.
“I’m not the same girl I was when you proposed to me. I’m an amputee, likely suffering from PTSD. I’m crazy and broken and there’s a possibility I won’t even be able to give you a child, which is the one thing you’ve always wanted. You deserve a woman who can give you that. Someone who isn’t a one-legged freak with nightmares about children being blown up. I love you more than anything, Sean. But you deserve better than me.”

I’m frozen in my spot, my heart shattering into a million pieces. How could she think that? Nothing makes sense. I can’t move. I can’t talk. I’m just too stunned to do anything.

I watch as Charlie slides her engagement ring off her finger and places it on the dresser. I want to scream out and tell her to stay. Tell her that I love her more than anything. That I don’t care that she’s different now. She’s still my Charlie. I still want her. Only her.

But I can’t. I’m choking on my words, my pain too strong to overcome. I can hardly see through the tears blurring my vision, but I watch her leave the room, and thus the house. I hear the purr of her car starting, the garage door shutting, and then nothing. I sink to my knees.

“Don’t leave me.” I beg, finally finding my words. But it’s too late.

Notes

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