The Maroon Beret

-Charlie-
It completely broke my heart to walk out of the house. Especially seeing Sean practically break down in front of me. I know I just crushed him.

But the reality of it is, my actions were justified. Sean shouldn’t have to be stuck with someone like me for the rest of his life. Amputees are too much work. I’m still working on it, but I still need help with some of the most basic things, like taking a shower. I can’t go certain places or do certain things. I constantly have people judging me for the way that I look. Unless I’m wearing a US Air Force shirt, people stare at my prosthetic leg and ugly scars like I’m a leper. Sean doesn’t need that in his life.

No, Sean needs a woman who’s going to look absolutely gorgeous on his arm. Someone who will be able to get up in the morning and not have to rely on him just to go to the bathroom or take a shower. Sean shouldn’t have to worry about going on long road trips, because no one will be home in case his wife falls and can’t get up on her own. And most importantly, Sean shouldn’t have to worry about if he’s going to be able to have children or not. The thing Sean deserves more than anything else in life is the ability to reproduce. I’m fairly certain I’ll be able to conceive a child. That much I’m not worried about. It’s carrying that I’m worried about.
I have a long time before I’m supposed to be at the doctor’s office, so I drive around aimlessly for a little. But my tears start to cloud my vision, and I know I’m going to have to pull over.
I end up parking right next to the playground in the park nearby our house. Well, Sean’s house. I turn the car off and let myself wallow in misery. But it doesn’t last long. I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of tears.

Hoping to feel something other than the devastating heartbreak I’m experiencing right now, I decide to get out of my car and sit on the bench. It’s absolutely freezing outside, and the wind is whipping the falling snow all over. It’s definitely not the type of weather anyone should be outside in. Especially wearing just a hoodie and sweatpants. But I don’t care. Ironically, it’s what I have to do to maybe start feeling numb to all this pain.

I take a seat on the bench and let myself zone out, trying to ignore my own shivering. I try to think about anything except Sean, but my mind keeps finding it’s way back to him. They way he rambles when he gets nervous or excited. They way he smiles in the morning. The way he bounces off the walls after a win, even more so if he scores a goal. The way his arms wrap around me, protectively, when he’s feeling sad. The silly way his beard grows in red, even though his hair isn’t. The way he jokes around with me when he takes his teeth out, sticking his tongue through the gap. Mainly the way he kisses me.

Romantic and loving when he wakes up in the morning. Soft pecks here and there throughout the day on my lips or shoulders or hands, even when they’re unnecessary. Greedy and lustful when the timing is right. Dominating and demanding when he feels like it’s been too long.

I miss him.

I can’t miss him.

He deserves better.

I’m sitting there alone for about half an hour before I hear another car pull into the parking lot. I assume it’s someone with their kids, so I don’t bother to look up. That is, until I feel someone sit down next to me and clear their throat.

“Half of the team is out in this ridiculously cold weather searching for you.” He says.
“They don’t need to do that. I’m not their problem anymore.” I respond, still looking at my feet.
“What do you mean not their problem?”
“I’m not a member of the Flyers family anymore.” I hold up my ring-less hand. “Not a girlfriend, not a fiancee, not a wife. I’m not important anymore.”
“You’re crazy if you think taking off your ring means you’re no longer a part of this family.”

I finally look up and meet his all-knowing eyes.
“Kimmo, I’ve already told Sean he’s better off without me. You all are.”
“That’s not true and you know it. I know it. The whole team knows it. Hell, every single one of your followers on twitter and Instagram know it.” He responds.
“They don’t know anything.” He sighs.

“Look, I’m not going to force you to go back to Sean. Not right now. But will you please at least come with me? You can’t stay out here in the cold. I mean, Jesus Christ Charlie. It’s snowing and you’re not even wearing a jacket.”
“Don’t tell him where I am?” I beg.
“I won’t tell him on one condition.” I raise an eyebrow at him. “Text him. Tell him you’re okay, and that you’re staying at a friend’s house.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because he’s going out of his mind right now!” He yells. “The love of his life just basically broke up with him and then took off. In the snow. With no place to go.”
I rub my hands together, thinking about it.
“Okay.” I say quietly.
“You can text him in the car.” He says, helping me stand up.

We walk to our cars and he tells me to park in his garage when we get to his house, so that no one driving by will recognize it. I make the short drive to his house, cautiously watching for anyone else who might recognize me. When I get there, I pull into his garage and head into the house where Johanna wraps me into her arms.

“Honey, you had us all so worried.” She says.
“Sorry.” I mumble.
“Did you text Sean?” She asks. I’m assuming Kimmo has already told her about our deal.
“Yeah.” I respond. “I turned my phone off after that though.”
“Okay. As long as he knows you’re safe.”
“Do you need anything?” Kimmo asks, joining us in the kitchen.
I take a quick peak at the clock and realize what time it is.
“Actually.....” I begin. “Would you mind taking me to a doctor’s appointment?” I ask Johanna. “I’m supposed to be there in twenty minutes. I-I just.... I don’t want to go alone.”
“Of course, darling. Where are you going?” She asks.
I glance at Kimmo. I don’t want him to know where I’m going. If he knows, he’ll ask how it went. And whatever I tell him, he’s probably going to encourage me to talk to Sean.
“You can tell her in the car.” Kimmo says, realizing my look.

Johanna grabs her keys and leads me out the door.
“So where are we going?” Johanna asks once we’re in the car.
“My gynecologist.” I respond.
She gives me a small look, but I turn my head so she can’t read my face.
“Okay.”

The rest of the ride is quiet, neither of us really listening to the radio. We get to the doctor’s office and head into the waiting room. There’s no one else around, and I know Johanna’s questions are building up.

“So....” She begins. I know she’s too respectful to push too far, but I also know she deserves some answers. I don’t look at her, but I give her something.

“In Afghanistan, when the bomb went off... a piece of shrapnel cut my stomach. It partially nicked my uterus as well. My doctor wasn’t too worried about it, since it wasn’t too deep. But he suggested that before I plan to have kids I talk to my gynecologist about it. Just to make sure I’m aware of any complications that could come up.”
“You and Sean are trying to get pregnant?” She asks.
“We were.” I admit. “It was kinda a spur of the moment thing, but we decided to make this appointment before things got too far.”
“That’s fantastic!” She exclaims.
“Not anymore.” I say.
“Why?”

“That was before I realized Kelsi was right.”
“What do you mean? What did Kelsi say?” She pries.
“She said Sean deserves someone better than me. She was right. He deserves a woman who isn’t a loose cannon. Someone who will look pretty and won’t have to rely on him as much.”
“Honey, if you think that’s what Sean wants, you’re wrong.”

I’m about to argue with her, but my name is called and I stand up.
“Come with me?” I ask, shakily.
“Of course.” She responds.

We’re led to a small room where the nurse takes my vitals and a brief medical history. Well, as brief as it can be with me. When she’s done, she leaves to get the doctor and Johanna and I can talk again.

“So if you’re really done with Sean, why did you still come here?” She asks. I can hear the hope in her voice, but she’s wrong.
“This is the best gynecologist in the area. I’ve been lucky enough to become a patient here, but they’re usually so busy. We got really lucky that they had an available appointment so soon, and I don’t want to have to wait. This is something that eventually I’ll need to know. Maybe. I’ll probably forget about it down the road, so it makes sense to find out now.”
Her face falls.
“Look, I know you don’t think I’m making the right decision.” I say. “But I know that I am. I appreciate you helping me right now, but soon enough none of you will have to think about me ever again. I just need a couple weeks, and then I’m gone.”
“What do you mean a couple weeks?” She asks.
“Drew is coming home next month. When they go away on road trips, I’ll go in and get my stuff. Then when Drew comes home I’m sure he’ll let me move in until I can get a job and get my own place. That’s what family does, you know?”
“Yeah, that is what families do. That’s why Kimmo and I are taking you in now. Because you’re our family.” She says.
“I appreciate that.” I say, just as the door opens and my doctor comes walking through.

“Hello, Ms. Coleman. It’s nice to see you.” She says.
“Hello Dr. Roberts. It’s nice to see you too.” I respond.
“I hear you have some questions you’d like to ask me.” She gets right to the point.

I explain my situation to her, and she listens intently to everything. When I’m done, she asks a couple questions about the injury and my sex life, and I answer them.

“Well, it sounds to me like there isn’t a huge problem with what’s going on. I’d like to do an ultrasound and look at the scar tissue. That’s the main concern I have.” I nod and she sets up the ultrasound machine next to me. “Depending on how much scar tissue you have, that could be the only thing that you’ll have to worry about.”
“Why is that?” Johanna asks.
“Well, scar tissue isn’t as pliable as regular tissue.” She squeezes the gel in a line over the scar along my stomach and begins probing around, looking at the monitor. “When you have some scar tissue in the uterus, it isn’t as strong and won’t stretch to accommodate the growing baby. This could cause either premature labor or a full tear in the uterus.”

I knew all of this, of course. That’s what Dr. Gwynn told me about. But this is the first Johanna is learning of this possibility, and her eyes are wide.

“So how am I?” I ask.
“Well, I do see a good amount of scar tissue on the outer lining of your uterus. Fortunately, you didn’t get cut too deep and the other linings haven’t been affected. I’d say you’re good to go, though. There are precautions I’d like you to take when you do get pregnant. And there are certain situations we’ll have to be really careful about.”
“Like what?” She begins cleaning off my stomach.
“Well, like a multiple-birth pregnancy. Do you know if you or your fiancee have any twins in your families?” She asks. My heart aches.
“Not that I know of. I’m not sure about my mom’s family, since I never really knew her.” I don’t specifically answer about Sean’s family. She gives me a small questioning look, but doesn’t press the issue.
“We just have to make sure that you don’t stretch your uterus too much. When you do get pregnant, we’ll have to watch your growth. If we feel that you are growing too large or too quickly, you’ll be put on bed rest and monitored closely, especially once you reach the third trimester.”

I breathe a sigh of relief.
“So I can have kids.” I state.
“Yes, Ms. Coleman. You can still have your own kids.” She smiles. “You just have to be incredibly careful.”
“Thank you, Dr. Roberts.” I say, pulling my shirt back down.
“No problem. I can’t wait until you come back!” She sounds excited at the possibility of working with Sean Couturier's fiancee.

I can’t bring myself to tell her that Sean and I are no longer together. I don’t even know if I could get the words out. So I just smile and say goodbye. Johanna is unnervingly silent until we get to the car.

“So you were worried you weren’t going to be able to give Sean kids...” She starts. “You just found out that you can.”
“I just found out that if I get pregnant, I’ll have to be incredibly cautious.” I correct her. “Sean doesn’t need that stress in his life. He deserves someone he won’t have to worry about.”

She sighs, and I know she wants to argue with me. But I can tell she doesn’t have the heart to do too much at the moment. When we pull up to their house, She shuts the engine off but doesn’t move to get out. I unbuckle and look over at her.

“Charlie... I know arguing with you right now is useless. But I want you to know that Sean loves you more than anything. I’ve known the kid for a while, and I’ve never seen anyone as in love as he is. Regardless of what you think he deserves, I think you should just remember how much he loves you.”

With that, the two of us head into the house and she shows me to their guest room.

Notes