The Maroon Beret

-Charlie-
It’s been two and a half weeks since I walked out on Sean. During their most recent road trip, I went back to the house and packed up my clothes. I left Sean a note, explaining all the reasons why I left, and wished him the best. I made sure to tell him how much I love him, which made me cry as I wrote it.

I’ve offered to help the Timonens out by picking up the girls from school every day, which has been pretty exciting for me. I’ve always loved these girls, so spending time with them is a real treat. Today, Fiona is telling me about teaching her classmates some basic words in French, like ‘hello’ and ‘goodbye’ and she’s so excited, it makes me smile.

“You know, Uncle Sean said he would help me with my French if I wanted him to.” She says, making my blood go cold. “Does he help you with your French?”
“No, he doesn’t.” I respond, hoping she’ll drop the subject.
“Well he should.”

The car is silent for a second.

“Aunt Charlie? Why have you been living with us instead of with Uncle Sean?”

Oh shit. I sigh.

“Uncle Sean and I aren’t together anymore.” I say. It’s the first time I’ve said those words out loud, and it cuts straight through my heart.
“Why not?” Fiona asks.
“We just aren’t meant to be together.” I respond.
She thinks for a second.

“I think you’re wrong.” She says. I give her a questioning look in the rearview mirror. “You and Uncle Sean look at each other the way my mom and dad do. They’re meant to be together. I can tell you’re meant to be together. You two love each other. Isn’t that all that matters?”

I feel the prick of tears behind my eyes. When did third graders get so knowledgable about love and relationships?

“You’re right. But unfortunately my relationship with Uncle Sean is just more complicated than that.”
“Aunt Charlie, what’s depression?”
Her question shocks me for a second, and I stumble over an answer.
“Why do you ask that?” I ask.
“I heard daddy and Uncle Claude talking about it the other day. They said Uncle Sean might have it.”

As if I wasn’t hurting enough. Sean is depressed? Why? I mean, yeah I left. But he should be getting over me by now. I’m easily replaceable.

“It-it means he’s really sad.” I respond, holding back my tears.
“Oh. You should go make him happy again.”

I should go make him happy again. But would being with me really make him happy? Maybe in the beginning. But what about down the road when he’s constantly having to help me do simple tasks? What about when I wake him up at three in the morning screaming because I’m having a nightmare and he has to go play a game the next day? Is being with me really worth all of that? Who am I that any of that would be worth it?

I don’t say any more as we pull into the driveway. I help the girls out of the car and head into the house where Johanna has already started cooking dinner. Since it’s Friday, she’s making Kaalikäaryleet, or cabbage rolls. Friday dinners in the Timonen household are always traditional Finnish meals, to keep the girls in touch with their heritage. I think it’s one of the smartest things I’ve ever heard of.

As soon as I get into the kitchen and smell the cooking cabbage, my stomach turns. I rush to the bathroom and make it to the toilet just in time. I hear Johanna tell Kimmo to watch the food and follow me.

“Honey, are you okay?” She asks, sticking her head into the bathroom.
“I think so.” I say. My stomach is starting to settle. “I don’t know what that was. I just smelled the cabbage and it made my stomach turn.”
“Oh.” She says.

She thinks for a second, and then her eyes go wide. I give her a confused look, but she just moves further towards me, closing the door half way.

“Charlie.” She whispers. “When’s the last time you had your period?”

My face goes blank and my stomach drops. I put my hand over my mouth. I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure she can see that on my face, and she calls Kimmo. She tells him to go to stay with me while she runs to the store. He helps me to my feet, and I’m pretty sure he’s figured out what we’re thinking. He leads me to the couch and sits me down.

“Do you want anything?” He asks.
“No thank you.” I whisper.
“Okay.” He sits next to me and puts his arm around me.

We’re silent for a minute before I turn to him.
“What will I do?” I ask him. He sighs.
“What do you want to do?”

I think about that question for a minute.
“I want to have Sean’s baby.” I admit. “I want to have a family with him.”
“So what’s keeping you from doing that?”
“I just feel like it’s better for him if he doesn’t have to deal with me. He deserves better.”
“Charlie...” He sighs again. “I can’t tell you enough times. All Sean wants is you. You’re what’s best for him. He’s happy with you, and that’s all that matters. He doesn’t care that he’d have to take care of you for the rest of your lives. He [i]wants[/i] that.”

“Is he depressed?” I ask. His face grows sad and I know my answer.
“G and I have been talking to the team shrink and we think he’s headed that way.” He answers truthfully.

What have I done?

Johanna comes back with a shopping bag and ushers me into the bathroom. She hands me a pink box and tells me to just pee on the stick. Then wait three minutes.

I can’t look at it. It’s the longest three minutes of my life.

-Sean-
I’m sitting on the couch in my empty house, not paying attention to whatever is on the television in front of me. I haven’t eaten. I haven’t showered. I haven’t shaved. I look like shit, and I feel like shit as well.

My parents offered to stay at the apartment until they leave, to give me some space, and everyone else has pretty much done the same thing. Janine and Johanna have both dropped off food for me, but it’s all sitting in my refrigerator, untouched. Giroux and Kimmo have both tried talking to me, but I don’t really even bother acknowledging them. I just show up for games and practices, do my job, and then go home.

I hear the front door open and figure it’s Janine or my mom, back to try to force me to eat something. I’m getting tired of arguing with them, so I’ll probably just say thanks and fake it until they leave. I hear their footsteps stop in the kitchen, but I don’t bother looking.

“Sean?” Her voice is small and timid, but it lights up my heart.
I turn quickly and take in her appearance. She looks as distraught as I do, and she’s clearly been crying recently.
“Charlie.” I breathe. She starts sniffling, but I’m not sure what to do. Normally I would run to her and comfort her. But I don’t know if she wants that anymore.

“I’m so sorry, Sean.” She sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
I stand and walk slowly over to her.

“I was so focused on what I thought you deserved I didn’t think about what you wanted. I was selfish and I hurt you so much and that kills me inside.” She’s all-out crying now, and I can’t help but wrap my arms around her. “I love you, Sean. It took me too long to realize it, and I’m stupid and selfish for doing this. But when I looked at that pregnancy test and it said negative, I died inside.” My eyebrows shoot up, but she just keeps going. “I realized I wanted it to be positive so bad. I want to be pregnant with baby Couturier so bad I would have given anything. I would give everything just to have a family with you.”

I’m still trying to process the pregnancy test thing. She thought she was pregnant?

“Please, Sean. I’m so sorry. Please take me back. Still love me, please.” She begs me.
“Of course, Charlie.” I breathe. “You’ve always been my one. You always will be my one.”
She sobs and a fresh wave of tears flood her face.
“I don’t deserve you. I know that. But I need you, Sean. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
“I understand, baby.” I coo. “It’s okay.”

It fees so good to have her in my arms again. I knew I would forgive her as soon as I saw her. She’s my Charlie. I can’t possibly stay upset with her.

“It’s not okay, Sean. It’s not. I shouldn’t have done that. I can’t believe how badly I hurt you. I-I hate myself for it.”
“Please don’t hate yourself, love.” I beg. “I forgive you. It’s okay. I love you.”
She wraps her arms around my stomach and shakes her head.
“Charlie, all that matters to me is that you’re here. You’re with me again. That’s all I want. Just promise me that you’ll never do this again. I can’t handle that.”
She nods slowly. “I’ll never hurt you again, Sean. I promise.”
“I completely don’t understand it, but if you ever feel like you’re not good enough for me... you need to talk to me about it. Tell me what’s going on in that beautiful head of yours so I can help you.” She nods and sniffles.
“I think I need to start seeing a therapist.” She admits.
“I’ll talk to the team’s tomorrow and set up an appointment for you.” I promise.
“I’m so sorry, Sean.” She sniffles.
“Charlie, stop apologizing. As long as you promise to never leave me again, I forgive you. All I want is you, baby.”
“And all I want is you.”

I guide her over to the couch and sink down into it, pulling her onto my lap. I wrap my arms around her and nuzzle my face into her hair. She lays her head on her spot on my chest, and we both take a deep breath, happy to simply be with each other again.

“Fiona said that we’re meant to be together. That we love each other, and that’s all that matters.” She says.
“It is all that matters.” I mumble. “Fiona is a smart girl.”
“I love you, Sean.” Those words are golden to my ears.
“I love you too, Charlie. I always will.”

We sit together for a while, just holding each other and occasionally kissing whatever bare skin is close by. Eventually my stomach rumbles and I realize that for the first time in almost two weeks, I’m actually hungry.

“Would you like me to make dinner?” Charlie asks.
“I have some stuff in the fridge that Janine dropped off. We can just reheat that.” I suggest.
“As long as there’s no cabbage, I’m good.” I give her a questioning look and she blushes and smiles. “Johanna was making cabbage rolls for dinner tonight. The smell made me throw up, which made Johanna ask when the last time I had my period was. That made me think I was pregnant, which made me realize that all I want is to be pregnant with your baby.” She explains.
“I officially love cabbage rolls.” I declare, though we both know I really don’t.
“I’m sorry I’m not pregnant.” She says, standing up from the couch.
“Don’t be.” I say, following her into the kitchen. “We’ll just have to work harder now.”

She gives me a small smile.
“I went to the doctor’s.” She says, rooting through the refrigerator for something to make.
“Oh?” I ask.
“She said I should have absolutely no problems conceiving. And that we have to be incredibly cautious about my size, but that there shouldn’t be too many concerns.”

She looks at me and chuckles at the gigantic smile plastered on my face.

“You can’t get me pregnant with twins, though.” She scolds, pointing a finger at me. “And if I get too big, I’ll have to be put on bed rest or else my uterus will tear and I’ll go into premature labor.”

“But we can have a baby together.” I say.
“Yeah... We can have a baby together.” She smiles.

I can’t help myself, I grab her by the waist and lift her into the counter, smashing my lips to hers. I transfer every emotion I’m feeling right now through my kiss, hoping that she can feel it all. Standing between them, I wrap her one leg around my hip and feel the other pressing against my side. I gently bite her lower lip and she parts them, allowing me to slip my tongue inside her mouth. I try to start slow, but I can’t control it. I essentially begin tongue-fucking her mouth, encouraged by her sexy moaning.

My hands slide up her shirt and I quickly unbutton the clasp on her bra. Her fingers grasp at the hem of my shirt, and I reluctantly pull my tongue out of her throat. She rips my shirt over my head and hers follows it to the floor not too long after, along with her bra. I press anther forceful kiss to her lips and my fingers begin exploring her naked skin.

I pull my lips away from hers, and attach them to one of her nipples, pulling it into my mouth. Her fingers weave into my hair and she gives me a light tug. The sexiest noise falls from her mouth, and I feel my sweatpants tightening. I need her so bad. I want to show her just how much I love her. I switch my mouth to her other nipple and give it the same treatment.

As my hands make their way down her gorgeous torso, we hear the front door open. Like horny fifteen year olds being caught by their parents, we pull away quickly and I grab my shirt from the floor, throwing it over her head.

“Fuck. Please don’t let it be my parents.” I murmur, causing her to laugh.

“Sean?” I hear from the front hall.
“In the kitchen!” I yell.
“Thank God it’s only Janine.” Charlie giggles. I laugh out loud and help Charlie slide down to the floor.

Janine pokes her head into the kitchen and her eyes go wide when she sees Charlie standing there in my shirt, holding her bra in her hand. A gigantic smile crosses her face.

“Thank fucking God.” She sighs.
“You just cock blocked me from some really heated make-up sex that was bound to be the greatest sex of my life, so you better have a damn good reason to be here.” I joke. Charlie blushes like crazy and Janine throws her head back and laughs.
“I’m sorry! I had no idea.” Janine says. “I’m so fucking glad to see you, though.”
“Yeah. I made a mistake. But I’m never going to make it again.” Charlie says. “I’m going to get help, and get better.” Janine crosses the kitchen quickly and wraps her in a hug.
“Like I said before, thank fucking God.”
I laugh and pull Charlie into my arms, kissing her forehead.
“So what’s up?” I ask.
“I was bringing you some food. But it looks like you’re finally eating all the other meals I’ve left for you.” She responds.

Charlie sighs, and we both look at her. I can see the sadness in her eyes. She excuses herself quickly, but I watch two tears roll down her cheek as she leaves the room. Janine looks at me and I’m torn between following Charlie and staying in the kitchen.

“She’s killing herself inside.” I admit. “She knows I broke, and she hates herself for doing that to me.”

Janine’s face softens.

“Go be with her. I’ll head back home and spread the word that you two are back together.” She says. I nod and give her a small hug. “Oh, and Sean?” I look at her. “Give her the ring back.” She turns and heads to the front door.

Couturier, you moron. How could you forget to give Charlie the ring back? I head to the bedroom where I know Charlie went, and find her sitting on the bed. Her head is dropped and she’s holding something. I shut the door behind me and she lifts her face to look at me.

“I’m never going to be able to apologize enough.” She says.
“You already have.” I assure her.
“Do I really deserve this?” She asks, holding out her hand. I can see she’s holding her engagement ring.

“Yes, Charlie. Yes a million times over.” I stress. “You’re my everything. You’re so strong. You’ve been deployed to Afghanistan twice. You’ve saved hundreds of lives. People who should have died within minutes are now home with their families because of you. You’re witty and brilliant. You have a smile that lights up the entire room when you enter. And you’re absolutely beautiful. I know you don’t think so because of your scars, but God Charlie. You’re so fucking gorgeous. And I think your scars just make you even more beautiful.”

I look at her and she’s got tears streaming down her face. I grab the ring out of her hand and take her finger.

“Tell me you still want to marry me.” I practically demand.
“Of course I want to marry you.” She says.
“Then there’s nothing more to say on this issue.”

I slide the ring on her finger and gently push her backwards on the bed, covering her body with mine.

“Put a baby in me.” She demands.

Notes

Hope you guys like this.