Of Icings, Halfpipes, and Pterodactyls

The credits to the movie had long since ended and menu had been on the 53 second loop for a 126 times--127 times now. Not that I was counting or anything. I was busy trying to slowly dislodge my right arm from its current location without waking the slumbering man who was using my entire body as a type of pillow.
My attempts were slow and not going so well.

Soon after we began the film he had fallen asleep, and promptly turned over and instead of using any of the numerous pillows on my gigantic couch, he was using my body. I didn’t mind; as normally it was me using him as a pillow. And more than anything, I felt great relief in finding him actually being able to sleep. I knew he really hadn’t been able to really sleep since before the end of the series. From the moment I had picked him up at the airport a few hours earlier, he had looked exhausted. Hell, from facetime, calls, and texts I knew this.

SInce I had gotten back to Colorado, everything on paper for me had turned well: my foot was progressing faster than I could have hoped and I’d even gotten back on the board doing some test runs on turf. And not just my foot was building up strength quickly, I was easily falling back into intense Olympic year training thus gaining muscle and setting the foundation quickly. But something still felt off.

Since I had left Pittsburgh, everything for Sidney had turned to sour: Sid’s goal drought continued. But what was worse, Boston had swept the Penguins. The entire Penguins organization and Pittsburgh was in shock. Naturally Sidney had blamed himself for the entire event.

Before the entire team left for Boston, Sidney had called. It was a short conversation letting me know that he was going to be focusing on hockey and to not worry but he would be not communicating really with me or anyone for the next couple of days. I assured him that it would be fine and that he needed to focus on himself and hockey. Inside it felt like my entire body had stopped functioning. About two seconds after we had hung up, I got a phone call from Taylor Crosby. Taylor ranted about what a “prick” her brother was and then asked if he was stopping the communications with me as well. I could feel myself breathing again when Taylor told me all of this.

It turned out not talking to Sidney for the couple of days was, awful. I wasn’t prepared for that. Still, I sent him messages, just letting him know I was supporting him and thinking of him. I didn’t tell Jen because I was pretty sure I was being borderline creeping stalkerish by sending him messages. But after they lost the first game in Boston, I couldn’t help it.

For game four of the series against Boston, I watched it in a bar with some friends after a training session. Jen was out of town for work and none of my friends knew about Sidney and I, but they were up for hanging out at a sportsbar. When the Boston player scored in the third finally breaking the 0 to 0 score my heart dropped. I sunk in the booth and stayed there feeling my body go continually more numb until the final buzzer went off. I stared up at the television watching them show different players up on the screen. The look on Sidney’s face seemed to make my body go even more numb if that was even possible.

I shot him a text on my way home as well as Geno and several of the other players and even Vero. I waited for a response I didn’t hear from Sidney. I didn’t hear from him for three entire days. Geno, Paul, Marc, Vero, James and other players all texted me in prompt fashion; Geno and I even had some video chats. They confirmed that Sidney was alive, just not doing great.

I was getting ready to attempt to shove everything in my life to the side and figure a way to go back to Pittsburgh for a couple of days when Sidney finally called me back.

He was on his way to Denver.

As in he’d be here later tonight.

When I’d picked him up, I’d never seen him so tense. We rode in a comfortable silence with music playing softly in the background. On the car ride back to the house he slowly, visibly began to relax. Once we arrived, he lugged his bags upstairs while I stayed in the kitchen fixing some tea. When Sid came back down, he just asked if we could watch a movie. I couldn’t help but smile when he picked a Mel Brooks flick.

So here we were. And finally my arm was almost free. Until I moved it a little too quickly.

I felt Sidney inhale and exhale too much for him to be asleep any anymore and I looked down to see his eyes begin to flutter open.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.” I murmured softly to Sid.

“I wasn’asleep,” he tired to convince me, his words jumbled together as turning his head to the screen expecting the movie to still be playing

I bit back a smile at the sleepy childlike Sidney. He stared at the screen blinking several times trying to make sense at the screen.

“I’m sorry, I’m not very good company.” he murmured unable to look at me.

“There is nothing to be sorry for silly,” I kissed his forehead.

He tilted his head up and caught the kiss on his lips. Pretty soon we were deepening it.
There was almost an mutual audible bell between us when we remembered the promise we both made about getting away after the post season to somewhere remote and private.

“Are you still sleepy?” I inquired playfully.

“Not particularly,” a much more perked up Sidney replied, “But I think a change in venue?”

I wasn’t about to argue, “Well then, let’s go upstairs to the real bed?”

Sidney’s head perked up, and a playful grin slowly took over the sleepy expression. He moved quickly away from me before scooping me up in his arms.

“SIDNEY PATRICK CROSBY!” I screeched.

“Easy way of transportation. And this way you won’t practice any yoga on our way upstairs,” he smirked a little. I grinned at his proclamation, so glad that he was starting to return to my Sidney.

“Get the light,” he ordered, dipping me down slightly when we reached the stairs.

“Okay bossypants.”

This trend continued as we continued all the way up to my room. I seemed to be quite the easy load for him.

We paused when we entered my room.

“Lights on,” he ordered this time.

“On?” I confirmed.

“I want to be able to see you,” his voice was soft and dripping with warmth and caused a shiver to run through my body.

I did as he said and once the lights were on, I noticed the addition of his bags to my room. I couldn’t help but smile.

He unceremoniously dumped me onto my bed when we reached the room. I lay on my back looking up at him with a little smile on my face

Sidney moved between my knees and slid his elbows on either side of me so he wouldn’t put his full weight on me. We continued kissing for a while but I couldn’t focus on him and me. My brain was moving a million miles a second. The ifs and whats and buts were jumping in and out.

Sidney paused and sat up on his knees. He had that half smile on his face and those amber eyes were glowing as he began to unbutton my shirt. I lay there watching him my heart racing and my stomach flipping. And then my brain was thinking too much again.

I couldn’t. We couldn’t.

I turned on my side and quickly buried my head in my hands.

“Lily?” the concern in his voice cracked my heart, but there wasn’t any chance I could face him at the moment. I kept my face buried in my hands

“Lils?” he tried again.

Sidney realized that a vocal approach to try to figure out what was wrong with me wasn't going to work. Thus, it quickly became a game of tug-of-war with my forearms, which I quickly lost. I saw he was sitting up now, cross legged next to me.

“Lily, talk to me,” he pleaded as he looked down at me.

I scooted up into a seated position beside him, biting my lip.

“I’m scared.” I admitted.

There was a pause between us that seemed to last years.

“I thought you--are you a vir-”

“No!” I looked up at him and began to ramble, “I have. I mean, it’s been since before, well, its been like, over two years. Oh my god this is fucking awkward. That’s not the problem. I just, it’s just, I’m--”

I was at a loss of words. Once again, I was the awkward incompetent one who couldn’t properly communicate. The progress I thought I had been making was down the tubes.

“You give me pterodactyls.” and then the words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.

There was a terribly long silence between us.

‘Well, once again he is seeing the crazy. He’s going to walk out now,’ the nasty part of my brain pipped up. I decided the worst thing to do would be to look up at him. So naturally, I looked up

Sidney’s brow furrowed and he looked utterly confused. Yet, I saw the tip of the right side of his mouth fighting hard to not curl upwards.

He cleared his throat before clarifying my statement, “I give you what?”

I sighed exasperatedly wondering how bad it would be if I grabbed my shirt and made for the door.

“Do you ever get nervous before a game?” I asked him finally.

He nodded slowly with a confused look in those beautiful amber eyes.

“You get those butterfly feelings in the pit of your stomach?” I pushed along.

Once again, Sidney nodded.

“I don’t get those when I board. Not really. I feel calm and free and ready to go. But when I see you,” I let my voice trail off, and my eyes flicked back down, “Every time, since the beginning when I see you, I get these feelings in the pit of my stomach. Except they aren’t butterflies because butterflies are much too tame.”

The curl on just one side of his mouth was now stretching on the other side. I had to look elsewhere, so I looked up at my peaked ceilings.

“Thus, you are give me pterodactyls,” I muttered.

There was another moment of silence as I waited for his reaction.

He started laughing.
“Don’t laugh at me,” the pitch of my voice was at least an octave higher than normal. Why would he be laughing at me? Was jerk Sidney back? I brought up my hand and pushed his shoulder.

“Pterodactyls? Is that what we’re going to call it?” Sid inquired as he caught one of my hands, “You give me pterodactyls as well then.”

Sidney was slowly rubbing his fingers on the palm of my hand and the mere feeling from that was shutting down my brain. I’d never really felt such intense sensation from such a simple touch, but I was turning into utter putty in his hand. But I guess I had never really put the time and effort into something--a relationship, this was a relationship-- before.

“Oh,” I breathed. I made him as nervous and nutty as he made me?

“Lily?” he asked.

I knew what he was asking, and my response was to slowly nod.

I felt his rough fingers carefully unclasp the back of my bra. Sidney ever so gently kissed the top of my right shoulder, my right collar bone, my left collar bone, and then the top of my left shoulder. I felt my chest expand ever so wider after each of the kisses.

He leaned backed and made eye contact as he slowly began to slide the straps of the bra down the sides of my arms. My entire body shivered in the delicate manner his calloused hands grazed my upper arms down my forearms until he pulled off the bra and flung it to an unknown area of the room. My attention to where the article of clothing had been flung, my attention was solely on him.

No. Not him. On us.

Notes

Dear friends.

I throw the feelings at you.