My stare is glued to the top of Sidney’s head, my heart racing.

His fingers work with practised skill and efficiency. My legs involuntarily twitch as he moves. There is a sharp jerk and I inhale sharply, which causes him to stop and look up, concern written all over his face.

“Don’t stop,” I whisper.

Sid grins widely, cracking his neck quickly to the left then the right before returning with a renewed vigor.

This was such a terrible idea.

“Sidney Patrick Crosby,” I warn softly, “If you let me break anything out there, you’ll have the wrath of the United States upon you.”

Sid tilts his head back up with that same broad grin on his face, “You really are that nervous, eh?”

I gnaw at my lip as I wiggle my feet, looking at the skates he’d just finished lacing so tightly onto my feet. We had arrived super early to the Penguin's Christmas family skate so I could get on the ice and be given a crash course lesson with Geno and Sidney as my instructors--it was more of a pre-cation so I wouldn’t run over any small humans.

“Come on slowpokes!” Geno yells poking his head back into the locker room.

Sid stands up and gives me a hand up.

I stand.

And immediately tip to the left.

Sid catches me, honking his loud laugh, “Lils, you have to widen your stance.”

Gripping onto his arms I carefully lift a foot and gingerly put it back down. I immediately feel much more stable.

“Ready?”

“No.” I answer flatly wondering when I had gone so insane and why no one had bothered to intervene.

Ignoring my last protest, Sid tugged me and we waddle out of the locker room and down the hall and eventually to the ice. It’s not pretty.

---

“I already know how to stop!” I laugh as I glide on my own, “I just need to find a person bigger than me or make friends with the boards!”

Everyone around me starts cracking up. Sid is skating backwards in front of me, close enough that if I needed I easily can reach out and grab him, while Geno is right behind me in the same capacity. James and Paul are flanking me, which once again, I am pretty sure is for the protection of the small children who are now zooming all around us.

It turns out that I am actually okay at skating; as long as I am clutching either Sid or Geno or one of the other guys. Or am not turning. Or trying to stop on my own. Or moving.

Paul and James had shown up before a lot of the other players and their families did and found me floundering around on the ice rather amusing. Actually, I was pretty sure all of the adults at the rink found my awkward shuffle amusing from the incessant chirps. Well, except for Sidney.

“You really are getting the hang of this,” Sid says causing me to preen even though I know his compliment is extremely over generous.

“You’re just saying that cause you want to get lucky,” I tease sticking my tongue out slightly.

“Who’s lucky?” James appears suddenly.

“Sid-” I begin.

“Lily-” Sid says at the same time.

“Me,” Sid and I both chorus together.

James rolls his eyes, “You two are either scowling at each other or just acting plain weird.”

Sid looks at me and we both burst out laughing.

“Where did you get the spiked eggnog? I thought this was a family friendly event?” James wails.

“James,” Paul sighs shaking his head, his exasperation directed at James or Sidney and myself, I wasn’t quite sure.

“We should probably tell him,” I sigh as I watch Paul skate away with James.

“Whenever we feel comfortable,” Sidney offered.

It was pretty strange about who knew and who didn’t; I wasn’t even exactly sure anymore about the complete list. The majority of the team knew, and a lot of the wives knew, but outside of the team, just Jen and my agent. Well, and some of my snowboarders knew there was a Sidney in my life, maybe just not the extent of what a Sidney meant.

“Lily?”

I jerked myself out of my thoughts, looking over at Geno, “Mmmm?”

“Told Mama I’d send pictures,” Geno murmurs.

“Oh, okay.” I answer slightly confused.

“We need Sidney.”

Glancing around, I feel myself frowning as I realize Sidney is not in the proximity and the frown promptly turns into a grimace when I where Sidney is and who he is talking to.

I had succeeded in pointedly ignoring McKinley the entire afternoon. Actually, I had done a bang up job not thinking about her since she had left Sid’s house a few days prior. Geno had decided the road we would take was to just not talk about it, which, I was following his lead even if I thought it was maybe not the best one.

“I’ll get him,” I mutter before I take a deep breath to prepare myself and push off to slowly, very slowly skate by myself to where the two of them are talking.

“Sid, are you coming?” I frown slightly as I bump into him to stop myself, interrupting the two.

“I’m talking to Tori right now. But I’ll be over soon, okay?” Sid is beaming at me. I know it has nothing to do with Tori, rather, it’s because I skated over here all by myself.

My eyes pause on McKinley as my lips purse, “Alright, we’re finishing up and heading over to go get a picture with Santa. I guess catch up later or something.”

And without another glance or without waiting for an answer, I push off (using Sid as my starting block) and head back towards Geno who apparently kidnapped Estelle in my absence.

“Now, when you are bigger, we will find you a nice Russian, no American or Canadian boys for you,” Geno coos at her in Russian.

“I don’t know, Canadians are not terrible,” I interrupt Geno’s master plan to have Estelle marry into the Russian hockey family, “Plus what Flower say?”

“Flower would come around,” Geno says sounding rather confident, “Ready?”

I nod and follow him to Estelle’s mom and dad. We deposit the sweet girl before beginning the trek back to the locker room. Geno has to help me as we waddle, though we giggle the entire time at my apparent lack of coordination on skates.

I collapse dramatically when we finally reach the seats where our shoes are and moan, “My feet are to fall off.”

“It’s good for you,” Geno complains right back at me, “Good exercise. And see you didn’t die or break.”

“How you say, Ish, in Russian?” I grumble back as I pull my tired feet out of the skates. Geno laughs.

“What are you and Sid doing tonight?” Geno asks hopefully.

“Just dinner,” I shrug, “Quiet night.”

Geno is silent for a moment and I see Sidney walking over.

“Geno is coming over for dinner,” I say quietly in English so only Sidney and Geno can hear.

“Are you two going to speak Russian the entire time?” Sid sighs as he plops down next to me.

I roll my eyes dramatically, “If you would just learn Russian, you’d be able to follow everything. And think about how much easier it would be in Sochi.”

“But then no secrets,” Geno says in a hushed whisper Sid can clearly hear.

I start to answer but Sidney beats me to it.

“You two will always have your secrets,” Sidney sighs as he starts to undo his own skates.

I bite my lip looking at Sidney, wondering at what point I had started feeling secrets were overrated.

---

Sidney’s lips move down my neck and slowly into the valley between my breasts. I feel his hand slid under my tank and slowly beginning pushing it up, exposing my stomach.

“Do you think he’ll be okay?” I ask biting my lip.

“What? Who?” Sidney pauses, looking up confused.

“Geno,” I blink at Sid. Who else would I be talking about? Dinner had dragged on for hours, which was followed by not one movie, but two. Geno really didn’t want to leave. I know I am one of Geno’s favorite people and Sidney is also somewhere near the top, but I knew what was really going on.

“Yeah, G is fine,” Sidney grumbles as I feel his hand return to working my tank upwards with a clear intention of getting it completely in the very near future.

“But he’s just all alone,” I huff wiggling my back into the mattress in frustration at the situation with Geno.

“Lils,” Sidney moans and flops his face onto my stomach, “Can you not talk about my teammate when we are about to have sex?”

“It wouldn’t even be a problem if you hadn’t invited that McKinley to New Years,” my voice totally wasn’t whiny at all nor was I being petulant. At all.

“Tori?” Sidney sits back looking confused, “Why is Tori a problem?”

I glare back at him scathingly. Where the hell had Sidney been?

“Because McKinley is engaged,” I state the obvious, sitting up myself.

“Tori isn’t engaged,” Sid is looking at me like I’m crazy.

“Yeah she is. To that Toes or whatever,” I shoot back indignantly.

“Tori is definitely not engaged to Toews,” Sidney starts honking.

“But she said--the phone call--the--,” I stammered.

“It’s a joke or like something. You should just ask Tori about it. But I know that Tori isn’t seeing anyone,” Sid answers confidently.

“What.” my voice is flat.

“Her last boyfriend was a while ago, but they ended on platonic terms,” Sidney answers as if he is extremely knowledgeable in all of the gossip, “But she hasn’t dated anyone since.”

I stare at Sid as I try to put all the pieces together.

“Jesus Christ! Thank God we weren’t this fucking complicated when we got together!” I exclaim flinging myself back on the bed. I shake my head, letting out the biggest exhale as I continue to wrap my head around this new information before I glance back at Sidney.

Sid is giving me the most incredulous look I think I’d ever seen in my life. Incredulous, but something else. That warmth and depth is there that I crave so much from him.

“What?” I ask.

“I just. I,” Sidney pauses.

And I actually stop functioning. My heart feels like it stops beating, I know for sure I’ve stopped breathing, I think all 5 liters of my blood has stopped pumping, and I am pretty sure the rest of everything my body normally does has stopped.

“Lily? Lils?”

“Yeah?” I snap back.

Sidney looks worried, but asks, “So is that why you avoid Tori?”

I don’t answer partially because I was still silently freaking about what just might have almost happened, and partially because I was wondering how much

“Well, sorta.”

Sidney’s captain face was on instantly, “Sort of?”

“First I thought, well, I thought you might be interested in her,” I admit. Sidney begins to squawk in indignation but I continue ignoring him, “I realized how stupid that was really quickly, I’m sorry. But then I was super stressed coming here, especially with all the Olympics stuff, and I wasn’t expecting to meet her right away, and she was just there and then she said something nasty about me being a terrible mother. And then I realized she and Geno both had things for each other. And it’s Geno. So I tried to give her another chance, kind of? And then she didn’t seem like a completely terrible person but then she was engaged and Geno’s broken hearted and I hate her because no one messes with Geno. So, I guess G and I messed up on that because she isn’t engaged?”

I finish all of that in one breath and finally look up at Sidney.

Sidney’s staring at me like I had kicked a puppy or something.

“I know, it’s bad,” I wince.

“She said you would be a bad mother?” Sidney’s voice cracks.

I laugh humorlessly. Out of all of what I had said, that was what he latched onto?

“Yeah. She and everyone saw me holding Estelle. And then we got into an argument and,” my shoulders droop, as does my head, “I mean, it’s pretty obvious I’m-”

“I think you are going to be a great mom,” the conviction in his voice forces me to look up.

With everything that happened the last time I was in Pittsburgh. With everything with Sid, and his seemingly unwavering faith in me.

‘I love you.’ my brain says.

But my mouth can’t.

“C’mere,” I wriggle down as I reach for him to bring him to close to me.

---

For the first time since arriving in Pittsburgh, I woke up alone. Well, that was only half true. Sid had away games, but I was expecting to wake up alone. Slowly, I open my eyes glancing around the room.

I slip out of the giant bed and hunted for a pair of sweats and tugged on one of Sid’s shirts before padding downstairs.

Sid was bent over placing presents around the tree.

I stood in the doorway watching him add some presents to our stack.

“I thought we had a deal,” I finally say, once he stands up to admire his work.

Sid jumps a little as he turns around, clearly startled.

“You’re supposed to be asleep,” he answers frowning.

“I was cold.”

Sid comes over and tucks me into his arms. I melt into him and we stand for a while, staring at our first Christmas tree together.

“Hey, can we do presents?” I mutter, interrupting our kinda adorable moment mostly because I can’t wait to see his face when he opens his gifts.

We had set rules prior to gift shopping that sorta turned the event into a competition. Because, well because of course we did. The objectives were to spend the least amount of money as possible, and attempt to be practical. I couldn’t help but smirk as I glance up at Sidney who was looking at me curiously at my sudden excitement.

“Alright, you should go first,” he said with a raised eyebrow as he studies me for a second before leaning over and picking up several packages.

“Crosby,” I scowl as I handle the multiple packages, “I thought--”
“Followed the rules,” Sid replies looking mostly innocent.

I sigh before opening the first one he handed me.

Blinking several times, I look at the jersey slightly confused. The colors are a deep shade of maroon and black striped across a white base with the letters SSM emblazoned diagonally across the front. I turn the jersey over and see Crosby on it, but it’s not the 87 I was expecting it was--

“Taylor’s jersey?” I breathe out. Taylor had sent pictures of her in gear before, wasn’t 29 her number? What was the name of that school? Shattuck St M-Something?

“Yeah,” Sid was smiling nervously, “I knew you didn’t have one of hers.”

His voice trailed off or I think it did, I was pretty lost in the meaning of the jersey. I mean, wearing his jersey was one thing, but Taylor’s? Being part of the family? That was--

“I love it,” I interrupt Sidney as I yank it over my head, “Give me your phone.”

Sidney hands me his phone, and I quickly take a selfie in which I am beaming at the camera and send it to Taylor with a million emoji hearts and a ‘Look what your brother did’.

I look curiously at the next lumpy package, which was roughly the same size. Glancing back up at Sidney, I scowl at him before scowling back at the package.

“I know what that is,” I mutter mutinously, “And I am not going to be wearing that in Sochi.”

Sidney is grinning ear to ear, “But you’ll wear it here?”

I squirm as I start to open the package which I know will reveal a red jersey with a proud maple leaf on it.

“That is left open for discussion,” I reply with my nose scrunched as the second jersey is revealed. It was just as Canadian as I thought it would be. I gently set the jersey down, as to not hurt his feelings of course, before swooping up a pair of gifts awaiting to be opened.

“Okay, first,” I hand him the lumpy wrapped present, knowing that I am practically beaming at this point.

Sidney looks slightly worried as he takes the present from me and begins to tear the paper off of the gift. His eyebrows came together immediately as he saw blue fabric, “Lily-”

“Keep going,” I squirm in delight

Sid humors me with a look as he unfolds the Team USA shirt, “I didn’t know we were doing gag--”

Sidney stopped talking and I knew his eyes had stopped on the name that was on the back of the shirt. The shirts weren’t anything really special, just a navy blue shirt with Team USA across the chest, and on the back in bold white it read ‘Rivers’.

“So, they gave a bunch of team gear out for the families. As samples or whatever,” I shrug, suddenly wondering if maybe it was too much, “I mean, I know you can’t exactly wear it out in--”

“It’s perfect,” his tone is hushed as he pulls off his sweater and replaces it with the t-shirt.

I feel my mouth go dry and my stomach starts flipping out and I suddenly understand the big deal about seeing someone you care about with your name on their back.

“I, uh, have ones for Taylor and your parents if they want them,” my voice sounds strange to me, probably because my mouth is so dry.

“They’ll love it,” Sid is beaming at me.

“Right,” I shake my head a couple of times before handing him a small, neatly wrapped gift.

Sidney unwraps it and finds the flash drive, to which he raises an eyebrow at me. I raise an eyebrow in return and watch as Sid pulls out his laptop which was sitting on the coffee table.

“The password is ‘pterodactyl87’ all lowercase,” I volunteer as the little window popped up asking for the password to the protected folder.

Sid types the code in and a file filled with photos popped up. I bite my lip as he opened up first one. On the screen, a picture of me in lacy lingerie pops up.

“Uh, so I know we are apart a lot, and skype and calls aren’t always an option,” I could feel my face turning red, “So Jen helped with this.”

He clicks through more of the pictures.

“Lily, these are--”

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!” a voice yells simultaneously as we the front door crash open. I jumped about 5 feet in the air, but a cracking sound made me startle again. The cracking sound had come from Sid’s direction, specifically, from Sid’s laptop.

Apparently Sidney had slammed shut his laptop so fast and with such determination, he actually broke the device, my guess the screen.

There was a moment of silence before I couldn’t help myself but I began to giggle without any end in sight. Sidney joined in quickly, because how could he not at the ridiculous situation.

“What I interrupt?” Geno came clambering in, arms full of gifts.

And yet, Geno couldn’t get an answer because Sid and I were much too busy laughing.

---

I rush inside of the building, fleeing from the snow. I loved the snow and didn’t mind the cold when I was boarding, however, any other time I wasn’t a fan of the white stuff. Carefully as to not track, I slip off my boots and head up to the second floor to the cardio part of the gym.

Christmas had been a boisterous affair. Geno’s arrival had shortly been followed by all three of us heading over to the Lemieux’s. It had been a while since I had actually been around a family or felt part of a family for Christmas. Everyone ended up eating way too much and laughing more than I thought was physically possible. It was me who got up first this morning, leaving a sleepy Sid in bed to come to the gym and get several hours of serious work in.

However, upon entering the gym I freeze. McKinley is at one end of the room stretching.

Right after the lunch with the ladies and disastrous hang out at Sid’s, it was Sidney who had asked for the gym information for me. To which, McKinley had given me free rein to come in whenever. I came at odd hours; when kids who would have lessons would be at school or most people would be at work. All the times I had come to McKinley’s gym, there had been one or two people but they kept to themselves and ignored me.

The gym itself was quite an impressive set up. The room I had headed to is a large cardio padded room and though the rooms are a shade of light gray, it is mostly decorated with accolades of the prodigies developed from this particular institution. And of course, covering one entire wall is an American flag while the opposing wall has a set of windows that opens into the tramp area of the gym. The first time I had come, I had slipped an envelope with a generous check made out to McKinley under the office door. I knew it was slightly sketchy, and I hadn’t heard from her, but whatever.

I blink out of my thoughts and realize that McKinley’s staring at me intently. Carefully, I put my boots next to the other snow boots, which must be hers, and hang up my coat before stripping off my sweats leaving me in a pair of spandex shorts and a sweatshirt. I grabbed my foot wrappings, i-pod, and water bottle from my bag before taking a deep steadying breath and starting the trek over to where she is stretching.

“Morning,” I call as I approach.

“Hi?” she looks surprised maybe even a bit nervous.

I sit carefully next to her, leaving a good amount of space between us, and began wrapping my feet.

My brain isn’t exactly sure how I feel. The revelations of a couple nights ago were obviously huge, though I hadn’t told Geno yet. What if Sid was wrong? Plus we were in the middle of Christmas and between splitting time with Sidney and Geno and the Lemieux’s it hadn’t felt like the right time to bring the subject up. And did I really want Geno with someone like McKinley? But that wasn’t exactly a fair assessment. I hadn’t really given her the fair attempt. I’d been defensive from the start and then automatically shut down.

‘Don’t do it. Don’t say it. Don’t get involved. Let it be. Let Geno sort this all out,’ my brain chants.

“Are you engaged?” I blurt out.

She looks up sharply at me, “What?”

“Are you engaged?” I huff at her again.

“No,” she looks slightly alarmed.

“Not to that Toes or Toews?” I maybe allow myself to scowl a little more than I should.

McKinley definitely looks alarmed now, “No. I am definitely not engaged to Jonathan Toews.”

I purse my lips as I realize I might as well go for broke, “Are you currently in a romantic relationship? Of any kind?”

She shakes her head, still looking quite alarmed and rather confused.

“Right, okay, good talk,” I nod several times before standing up and heading towards the far end of the room to start a dynamic warm up knowing, and not really caring, she is staring after me utterly confused.

---

“Fuck!” I yell as I land on my back again. Again. For the millionth--no billionth time.

I’ve been at the gym for a solid 3 hours already and I hadn’t made any fucking progress on this new trick. Sure I was trying to pull it together a little close the Olympics considering it hadn’t ever been done before and I couldn’t even nail it on the god-damn tramp but I was always one for innovation and pushing boundaries. And I was going to be able to do it come hell or high water. Just maybe not before having Christmas Eve dinner.

And, as I laid on my back, a little break right now wouldn’t hurt.

“Are you trying to cork multiple times or something, and land on your feet?” a voice interrupts my moping.

I slowly drag my elbow away from my face and flick my eyes to the left.

It’s McKinley. What was she still doing here?

“Trying,” I sigh discontentedly with my failings and dramatically threw my arm back over my face and went back to my morbid ponderings. If I could manage it 5 times then I could pull 4 in competition right? Or I could kill myself in the process but hey.

Blackstreet's No Diggity is playing on the overhead speakers, and the chorus runs through.

“What if you-” McKinley’s voice pauses.

I withdraw my arm again and tilt my head up to look at her. She actually looks well, McKinley is shifting her weight side to side as she looks at me, almost as if she is nervous to talk to me.

“What?”

“If you try twisting your arms like this instead, and move your legs like,” she motions hesitantly.

I purse my lips slightly as I tilt my head slightly as I watch her movements. It is definitely not a traditional snowboarding technique, but hell, I’d try anything, so might as well try to work with her….

---

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT!” I scream as I come down on my feet.

McKinley claps and grins at me as I keep bouncing, “Again!”

I pull it again. And again. AND AGAIN.

“Oh my god,” I babble as I slowly bounce to a stop, “I can’t wait to try it out in powder. It is going to blow minds, McKinley, seriously blow minds. What is old Rivers going to bring to the Olympics this year? A trick no one has been able land before, watch me quadruple cork it up there. Bah, old my ass.”

She is giving me an odd look again. I bite my lip. I actually think the strange look may be because it’s the most I have said to her in go since I met her.

“Sorry, I-uh,” I mutter looking around the gym as I step off the tramp.

“You’re fine,” she replies with a genuine smile.

I bring up the hem of my shirt to wipe the sweat dripping off of my face.

“I should probably cool down anyways. I’m supposed to meet--” I stop myself as I was about to say Sidney.

“Geno?” McKinley supplies for me in a rather amused tone.

I glance down at my stomach to see if there is something there, like marks from a certain someone who tends to bite, but my stomach is bare of any type of marks.

“Uh, yeah,” I answer feeling an odd pang in my stomach as I do. I scowl at the mat, why should I feel guilty about not telling McKinley the truth? Dammit Rivers, pull yourself together.

I start to head over towards my stuff piled up against the far end of room before I pause.

“Tori?” I call back to her, turning as I do so.

McKinley pauses in her stretching and looks over at me.

“The New Years Eve party at G’s, I’m sure Crosby didn’t tell you but it’s a formal dress type of party,” I inform her trying to extend, or attempt to, some sort of continued tenuous peace between us.

“Oh,” Tori looks surprised, “How formal?”

“I’ll get your number from Crosby and send you a picture of my dress,” I offer a small smile, “See you later.”

Notes

HI FRIENDS!!!!

WE ARE BACK IN ACTION!!!!!! I have missed you all very much!!!! Thank you again for being patient!!!!! I send you all hugs!!!