Never Again

** LACEY'S POV **


It has been a long month. It wasn't a bad month per say, but it wasn't a great month either. I mean, it had its moments. I met Patrick, which is arguably one of the best things to ever happen to me in my life. Alex had been my only other relationship and he created walls so tall around me, and I was pretty confident that no one was ever going to be able to knock it down. Although Pat doesn't have it completely down yet, it's severely damaged. Give it another few weeks, and I won't have a wall around me anymore. To be honest, the only reason that it's still there is because of the seed of doubt Grace has placed in my mind. She never straight up said anything about him and I knew that they had become close while I was in the hospital, but she would occasionally make comments that are concerning to me.

As if on cue, my phone vibrated on the table in front of me. I looked around, knowing that Pat would come back from the bathroom any second to talk to me and I took advantage of the coast being clear to quickly open the text.

[i] Grace: How's Patty Cakes treating you? He hasn't gone out to a bar and left you alone, has he? [/i]

I internally smirked at the irony of the situation. Speaking of texts about Pat that are concerning to me.

[i] Me: No, he hasn't actually. He cooked me dinner, gave me a 'welcome home' balloon, and I just convinced him to tell me what happened to me, since you don't want to. Stop thinking the worst of him, Grace. For the love of Christ. [/i]

I knew that I probably would piss her off with that reply, but I didn't really care. Quite frankly her text pissed me off to begin with. She's always asking me if Pat's with the guys, if Pat's drinking, and if Pat's treating me right. Despite my telling her numerous times that he's wonderful to me and that he's spending as much time with me as he can, she questions me like that at least once a week. It pisses me off, and it's preventing my walls from falling.

Out of anger, I turned my phone off and slammed it down on the table a little too hard.

"Lacey? Is everything alright?"

I turned my head in Pat's direction and gave him a small smile. I could feel my mood becoming a little sour for multiple reasons, but I didn't want Pat to change his mind about telling me what happened. One of the reasons that my mood was decreasing is that I was mad at Grace. She's my best friend and the only one who's stuck with me so long despite my problems, and fighting with her always and without fail upset me. Secondly, I was extremely nervous about talking to Pat about what happened to me. As much as I want to know, I genuinely have no idea what Alex did and I know that he has no limits-- and that thought scared me. I kept reflecting on why he started abusing me in the first place and I was going back and forth in my head, telling myself that it was my fault and then telling myself that it wasn't. I was yanked out of thought by Pat taking my right hand in both of his and rubbing his thumb across my knuckles slowly.

"If you don't want to talk about this Lacey, we don't have to. I'm just telling you straight up -- I'm not going to sugar-coat anything because I honestly don't know how. It's not pretty, but if you change your mind, that's okay. I would understand."

I intertwined our fingers and gave his hand a squeeze. "I need to know, Patrick. Please."

He took a few deep breaths, and a look of panic overtook his features. His normally lovely blue eyes became dark, his eyebrows were pinched together and he was avoiding any and all eye contact. I put my free hand on his cheek, and waited until he looked at me.

"Pat. Just spit it out. I can take it, I promise."

"You sure?"

"Stop asking me that. Just tell me." I didn't intend to snap at him, but I was growing frustrated. I just wanted to know. It felt like a gap in my memory; a gap in my life. Without closure, I wouldn't be able to go on. I felt tears start to emerge in my eyes and I squeezed Pat's hand again as a silent apology and an encouragement for him to talk.

"He tried to rape you."

I sighed, and let the tears freely fall.

"The whole story, please."

"After Alex knocked you unconscious, he dragged you to your bedroom. I guess you keep a pair of scissors in your bedside drawer, and he used then to cut the clothes off your body; he appeared to be in a hurry to get you unclothed. You were lying on the bed, naked, when I walked in the apartment to look for you. I was calling out your name and the police say that my presence most likely scared Alex, and that he fled out the bedroom window. That's all we know."

"Did they catch him?"

"No. He's at large. That's why you're staying with me and Grace, we don't want you at your own place. That's where he would look for you first. We're doing this to protect you, baby. Neither of us could carry on if we let you get hurt. It would be too hard."

That's when the sobs started. My whole body started to shake and I was finding it hard to breathe. Alex was still at large. He could find me and do it all over again, and nothing could stop him. I mean, Patrick and Grace would try to protect me, but I can't possibly be with one of them every minute of every day. I would be left alone at times, and Alex could find me. He could find me, and he could rape me. He could beat me to death. The possibilities were endless.

Pat let go of my hand, stood up and walked away. That brought on a whole new round of sobs. Why would he just leave me here like this after telling me that? Patrick has been my rock the last few weeks, and I needed him now more than ever. Never in my life have I felt so abandoned and alone. Here I was, on Patrick's couch, crying miserably. Although I can't say I didn't expect it. I assumed that Alex had attempted to rape me; it would have been more of a surprise if Pat told me that he beat me and left me after that. I was about to get up and leave, but then he came back with my asthma pump and a box of tissues. Without a word, he wrapped me in his arms and pressed my body to his as tightly as he possibly could. He wasn't moving his hand against my back; he wasn't saying anything to me. He was just being there for me, and despite not being able to get any closer to his body, I sure as hell tried. I [i] needed [/i] him more than anything.

After what felt like a very long time, Pat pulled back and handed me my asthma inhaler. I took two or three pumps of it in attempts to get my breath back, and he soothingly started rubbing my arm with one hand while the other wiped away stray tears. When I regained my composure enough to talk, I brought my knees to my chest and mumbled into them.

While still rubbing my arms, he looked at me in the eyes as best he could with me hiding my face.

"What was that, baby?"

"It was my fault. The whole thing was my fault. I'm so sorry that I dragged you into this situation Pat, if you want to leave and never come back I would completely understand, just do it now. A clean break, please. That's all I can bear."

"Lacey!" Patrick's raised voice brought my head up to look at him and he was staring at me with tears in his eyes, too.

With his right hand he locked my gaze on his by holding on to my chin between his thumb and forefinger. "Listen to me, Lacey. I. Am. Not. Leaving. You. No way. I told you that in the hospital, and I'm telling you that now. I care about you far too much to even fathom leaving you, so get that idea out of your head." He paused to bring his lips to my forehead, placing a soft, but sensual kiss on the skin there. "And this is not your fault. I don't know why you would even think tha--"

I cut him off, "I didn't sleep with him. That's why it's my fault."

"Lacey, you're allowed to say no to sex. It's your body. Every time he wanted sex, you weren't obligated to give it to him. You were allowed to say no."

"But I never gave it to him, Pat. Ever."

"Ever?"

"Never."

"Why not, baby? It feels so good."

"I wouldn't know."

"Come on Lacey, you can't deny that sex feels good. It relaxes you, it calms you. It's good."

He clearly wasn't hearing what I was saying in between the lines, so I decided to straight up tell him.

"I'm a virgin, Patrick. I've never had sex. Alex was okay with that, and he was so nice and caring to me. He promised me that when I was ready, he would make me feel special and loved, but I never really felt... ready. That's when he became violent." More tears fell from my eyes, and Pat was quick to wipe them away.

"Oh my God.. Lacey. I'm [i] so [/i] sorry. You don't deserve that, no one deserves that. You have every right to decide when to have sex, and he has no right to try to decide for you."

I kept crying harder and the tears kept flowing. I know that what Pat was saying was true, but I couldn't help but feel guilty about everything. Had I just slept with Alex, this would have never happened. I wouldn't have endangered Patrick, Grace, or anyone close to me.

"Baby, come here." Pat said, while tapping his lap.

I crawled over on his lap, wrapped my arms around him and squeezed his chest tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder. I felt Patrick's hands against my legs, and he brought them around his torso so I was hugging him like a koala would hug a tree. All of a sudden, he stood up and brought us to his bedroom where he gently placed me down on the bed, while placing another kiss on my forehead. This was when I noticed a little bear on the bed, and I picked it up to look at it more closely. It was brown and it had a little Blackhawks jersey on, with the number 88 and 'Kane' on the back. It was holding a heart which held a picture of Pat and I just a few days before I was discharged from the hospital, and we had just found out that I could go home soon. The smiles on both of our faces were huge and we truly looked like a very happy couple. Pat noticed me observing the bear and he smiled at my interaction with a stuffed animal.

"I noticed that you always clutch a pillow to your chest when you sleep, so I figured that now you can clutch the bear and think of me when I'm on the road. It even smells like me, too." He smiled.
I didn't even give him a chance to say anything else because I crashed my lips on to his, immediately running my tongue along his lips and I was pleased when he granted me access so easily. Our tongues battled for dominance, but it wasn't really a competition. I was dominating everything about this kiss, and he had no control whatsoever. I felt Pat start to lose himself in the moment, as his lips trailed from my lips to my jaw, down my neck, and up to my ear. His hands tightened on my waist and I pressed my chest against him, hoping to arouse him with the feeling of my breasts against his chest. I slowly moved my hands from his shoulders down to his shirt, and I started undoing the buttons when my small hands were grabbed by his large ones, frozen in place.

"Lacey, stop."

"No. I don't want to." I reattached my lips to his, put he pulled away instantly.

"But I do. Lacey, please stop."

I felt more tears fall from my eyes as his rejection washed through me, from my head to my toes. I had just opened up to him so completely, I showed him my soul, I shared my deepest secret, and he doesn't want me. He must have caught on to my feelings, because his lips were on mine again briefly.

"Believe me Lacey, I want to. I do. I want you so bad it hurts, but not tonight. You don't want this tonight. You're upset and you're vulnerable. You're not yourself, and that's why we can't do this."
I sighed, knowing that he was right.

"You're completely right. I'm sorry."

Pat took my hand in his again, "You don't have to apologize; I'm not going to take advantage of you."

"I just want to feel loved and protected, Patrick. That's all I want." I said in a barely audible whisper.

"Baby, you are loved and protected. Here, I have something for you." I felt my hair being pushed back from my shoulders, and a necklace being tied around my neck. When I felt his hands pull back, I picked up the necklace and looked at it.

"Patrick, it's beautiful."

It was a necklace of the Blackhawks logo, with wings coming out of the side instead of feathers. It was my own personal guardian angel Blackhawk, and it was gorgeous.

"Turn it around."

I did as he said and I saw it was engraved with the words [i] I'm always with you [/i] with the number 88 underneath it. I was twirling it in between my fingers, when Pat spoke.

"You are loved and protected Lacey. So many people care for you and worry about you, me being one of them. I want you to feel like a part of me is always with you and looking out for you, so I figured the necklace would be a part of me that you could keep with you always. I care about you a lot baby, know that. Now come on, you've had a long day. Let's go to sleep."

I snuggled myself up like a burrito in the blanket that my parents send me, and Pat brought his big, strong arm down and draped it across my waist, pulling me to him. I took comfort in his chest and the blanket, and I closed my eyes, exhaustion finally overtaking me. "Goodnight, babe," he said but I was already asleep, and the last thing I felt was his lips on the top of my head.

Notes

Oh my goodness i'm SO sorry. Life got really hectic, but a good hectic! I got promoted at work so I'm now full time and then some, and I'm working crazy hours. I've been doing doubles which for me now entails starting at 9 am and leaving work at 3 am, so you can imagine that when I come home the only thing I want to do is sleep. But I had around an hour today to sit around, so I spat this out for you guys. I'm sorry it's so bad, but exhaustion does that to you. But I have the day off tomorrow, so I'll try to pre-write as many chapters as I can so that I can update in 30 seconds while I'm working.
Once I get into a new routine I promise I'll update this more.
Thanks for all the comments, subscribers, and readers! When I don't check this in a few days and I see a new comment telling me they miss the story, it definitely get the creative juices flowing.
Happy reading! :)