Hopeless Wanderer

"So how was your trip?" Kathleen asked one lazy Tuesday afternoon while Sidney was across the country training in Colorado. Carrie drove the hour to her sister's house to enjoy the day minus the kids before the baby came.

"What trip?" Carrie asked distracted by the condensation running down the side of her glass of lemonade.

"Your little weekend rendezvous to Spain? Did you lovebirds have fun?"

"Oh, that. It was...interesting."

"No fun was had?" Kath asked wiggling her eyebrows at her younger sister.

"No. None." Which was a lie. She had a good time the first night they were there.

"Alright, spill it."

"I'm thinking of quitting and getting my own place."

"What? Really? Why?" Kathleen tried to sit up as best she could given her protruding belly.

"Well, I have enough money to feed a small army and I'm really just not sure this is what I want or need right now."

"Like a relationship or this type of job?"

"Both."

"Carrie, what happened in Spain?" Kath asked after a few minutes.

"We got into a fight. It was silly and we both admitted we were wrong. And I don't want to bore you with those details. But ever since I've been thinking how insanely stupid he and I are being about all of this. We can't be in a relationship! And we can't have one while I am employed by him. I'm just happy that we didn't tell a bunch of people already."

"I'm not going to argue with you. You're old enough to make your own decisions. But may I ask one thing?"

"Shoot."

"Won't you divulge a little about what happened in Spain?"

Carrie wanted to, so badly. But she didn't know if she should tell someone what happened. Everything had been perfect up until the day of the concert, and they were having a great time together with no cares in the world. That was until a few hours before the show and Sidney dropped the L-word on Carrie. She freaked out, took her ticket for the show and left the hotel. It wasn't until after the concert as they were walking back to the hotel that she addressed what was said.

"He told me he loved me."

"Oh my God Care! That's fantastic!"

"No, it's not."

"Why?"

"It wasn't supposed to get like this. He wasn't supposed to fall in love with me. He was only looking for an assistant to help him with his hectic schedule! I didn't do anything to make him like me or fall in love with me."

"Except that you dated him, slept with him, played house with him. And if I'm correct you probably started exhibiting the same feelings."

"Yeah, thanks for pointing that out." The thought of being that serious made her nervous.

"Carrie, you're an amazing woman. What made you think he wouldn't fall for you?"

"Because.."

"Because why?"

"Because I don't deserve it! I'm a broken, sad excuse of a woman and I don't deserve to drag him down."

"Fine. What are you going to do?"

"Can I stay here until I find a place to live?"

"You're just going to leave him high and dry. You're being ridiculous. And you already have all your stuff in your shiny new SUV don't you?"

"He bought all the furniture! I don't need it."

"This is not how you should be doing this. And you're being an idiot."

"It's the only way I know how."

"Yeah, whatever."

*****
Sidney was happy to be back in Pittsburgh. He had a busy summer with all the traveling and training that he did. After spending nearly every day for the last four months with Carrie, he was lonely and anticipated seeing her when he arrived home.

But he knew better. After the disastrous trip to Spain Carrie began to act sketchy and when they returned to the states she insisted that she needed to stay behind when he went off to Colorado to train. All week he tried to reach her and all week she dodged his phone calls and texts. He resorted to email too, but to no avail.

He scared her off. He knew it. He knew this was why he never got serious with women. It was easier to just have his fun and leave the feelings behind. But it was hard with her.

His assumptions were correct when he got to the house. Her car was gone and peaking through the open door to her suite he could tell she had gathered her things and left. If only he could talk to her.

But the more he thought about it, the more he realized that she chickened out and ran. That he should be mad, not sad that she gave up. Things weren't hard for them. In fact, their relationship came naturally to them. They fell into a routine and were happy. That was until he let slip that he loved her and her entire demeanor changed. Then everything became awkward and a break was needed.

He thought the week apart would be good. He figured it would give them time to be themselves without having to hide their feelings. He looked around the empty house, dug into his pants pocket and pulled out his phone. Without hesitation he dialed the first person who came to mind.

"Hello?"

"Hey, can I come stay there for awhile? I'm having the interior painted and the fumes are irritating and causing some headaches."

"Sure, the guesthouse is always yours. We can talk about how your training went and the upcoming media tour."

"Sounds good. See you soon Mario."

When Sidney arrived a couple hours later he was greeted immediately by Nathalie Lemeuix.

"It's just like old times!" She beamed.

"Yeah, it won't be long though. I promise."

"Nonsense, you can stay as long as you like. Leave your bags here. I'll get Austin to take them to the guesthouse. Mario is in his office, if you would like to go in."

"Thank you Nathalie," Sid said and gave the older woman an appreciative hug. Very few women does Sidney allow in his life in such a personal way. Nathalie had been a second mother to Sidney since the day he was drafted nearly nine years ago.

He went on down the familiar hallway and knocked softly on the slightly ajar door. When he heard he was welcome to enter, he did.

"Sid! How are ya? Where's your shadow?" Mario chuckled at his joke, but Sid only cracked a half-smile.

"Ah, I let her have a couple weeks off to go visit her parents and spend time with her family before the season gets crazy."

"That was very considerate of you."

"I try." Sid tried to brush it off with a shrug of his shoulders.

"Now tell me the truth. No one is around and I'm not stupid." Mario leaned back in his chair and watched his protege slump in the seat across from his desk.

"She left. I didn't want to be there by myself and none of the guys are back full time yet."

"So no more assistant?" Mario asked.

"I guess not. If I ever get ahold of her maybe I will have a definitive answer."

"Just when you need the assistant the most, she quits. What did you do to run this one off?"

"To be honest, she didn't need the money. She settled with the guy who killed her husband and son. The first check was hefty and she is set for two more of equal amounts. She didn't need to work."

"Gotcha."

"She even offered to work for free. I told her that made me feel bad, so I continued paying her. If only she would call me back so I can mail her the last pay and be done with it. I won't feel so bad."

"Maybe you should consider a male or just let Nathalie and I help you out."

"Yeah, I need to consider other options. That's for sure." One that he wouldn't be capable of falling in love with.

*****
Sidney ended up staying for three weeks. Three weeks away from his house and with the company of his second family. He never told them that it was because he was mending a broken heart. But he didn't have to. Mario and Nathalie knew that he wasn't having work done on his house, which he occasionally checked in on. They knew that Carrie leaving crushed Sidney even if they didn't know the extent of their relationship. And they never brought it up.

He finally felt he could handle the big, empty house and packed his bags for home shortly before the start of training camp. He stocked his fridge and did his own laundry, dusted around the areas of the house that he frequented the most and as he finished up decided to run out to get the mail. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and pulled it out to answer.

"Hey Suds, what's up?"

"Dinner tonight? Maybe some beers after? Last hurrah before camp starts?"

"Sounds good to me. Where?"

"I'll text you details. Trying to round up as many of us around as I can." Sidney nodded his understanding as if Brandon were standing next to him and reached for the door handle as his teammate was going on about who else he was inviting.

"Hey, I have to go. Let me know where we are going."

"Alright dude." And Sidney ended the call without taking his eyes off the figure that was standing in front of him.

"Hi, Sidney."

"What...what are you doing here?" He asked hesitantly.

Carrie looked away and fidgeted with the buckle on her cross body bag. He studied the way she stood, nervous energy pouring out. "I was hoping you weren't home."

"Why?"

"So that I would be able to chicken out for showing up here."

"Well, you're here. What do you want?"

"I want you," she whispered, her head now bowed and studying her ballet flats. She thought she said it softly enough that he didn't hear her, but he heard. And it ignited everything he had been suppressing for weeks now inside.

"But, I shouldn't expect that. I messed up. I freaked out and chose to leave rather than just tell you I was scared. But after I left I realized that I am more scared of my life without you in it. And not knowing if you would let me be in your life to some capacity has been killing me."

He sucked down his feelings and decided that the best thing for both of them was to be apart. "I don't...I don't know Carrie. You left and left me hanging. You didn't answer any of my calls or texts. I resorted to emailing you and even that didn't get a response. I put myself out there for you and you crushed me."

"Because I wasn't ready."

"But you're ready now? What if I let you back in my life and I do something else that sets you off? Then you'll leave again. It seems like a vicious circle and I don't have the time for that."

"I had a feeling you would say something like that. Can I tell you though that this last month has been awful without you. And I thought losing my husband and child would be the worst pain I would have to live through. But I was wrong. This is. Because that pain never truly goes away, but I know where they are and I will not get them back. This pain is worse because I lost you and I have the ability to try to win you back only to be rejected. Then knowing someone better will come along and replace me."

Sidney listened to her rant and considered her words. "Where are you staying now?"

"I found a place in Lawrenceville. And I have a job with a little boutique that does party planning in Shadyside."

"Are you happy?"

"With that aspect of my life I am."

"Listen, I'm not ready to welcome you back with open arms. But I'm willing to be in your life. Just answer my calls and texts will you?"

Carrie nodded furiously, "If that's all I can have then it's better than nothing at all."

*****
They were being loud and drawing some attention, but the guys didn't care. For some it had been a couple months since they last saw each other, and for others it may be the only chance they have to see each other as some may not make the active roster. Sidney was happy to be around his teammates after the last few weeks and his encounter with Carrie earlier.

He fought with himself to keep from running after her when she left. But he wanted to make her wait like she made him wait. It seemed logical to him even if he knew if he were to bring this up with anyone that they would disagree.

"Sid! Spend all summer living in abstinence?" Bortuzzo asked causing the rest of the guys to erupt in loud raucous laughter.

"What?" Sid was thrown by the question. "We're guys. Are we really going to sit here and discuss whether we had sex or not?"

"No, just you," Beau piped in.

"Remember how I'm your captain and I have just as much control over practices as the coach?"

"Remember how I had wrist surgery and won't be starting training next week with you guys?"

"Damnit."

"He totally fucked someone or ones. How many dude?"

"Why is this my life?"

"Come on! You're always so serious! Live a little dude," Brandon said.

"You don't have anything to say?" Sid directed his comment towards Jason Megna.

"Hell no! I'm trying to secure my roster spot at the start of the season this year."

"Smart kid."

"Come on!" And several other shouts came from around the table, making Sid groan inwardly.

"One! For fuck's sake. But more than once."

"Like in one night?"

"Throughout the summer. Now can you guys knock it off?" Sid was feeling his ears heat from embarrassment.

"Alright, alright. We don't get to torment you much during the season. We needed to get it out now," Rob explained.

"Whoa," Beau said as he and Jason stared past Sidney towards the entrance of the restaurant they were at.

"Yeah," Jason said without blinking.

"What now?" Brandon asked and turned to see what they were staring at.

"Hot group of chicks just walked in."

"I call dibs on the blonde!" Rob exclaimed before anyone else could. Sid tried to be discreet and check out the group the guys were ogling over when he instantly noticed the blonde Bortuzzo staked a claim in.

"No you don't," Sid stated and stood before he could be stopped then proceeded over to the group of women.

"What the fuck is he doing?" Brandon asked in hushed admiration. Never had they seen their captain be so forward with a group of women. They watched in awe as he walked right up to the woman Rob wanted, lean down to say something in her ear then place a kiss on her cheek. She smiled at him and took his phone from his hand. She typed something in and handed it back to him. He smiled and turned back without another word.

The table was completely silent when Sidney sat back down in his seat. When the group of girls had been seated out of view of their table Rob spoke up. "What the fuck was that?"

"What?"

"You just walked straight up to that woman and spoke to her, kissed her cheek and give her your phone."

"Oh that's my former assistant, Carrie. Nobody on the team fucks her." Little did they know was that he talked her into giving him her new address. Because seeing her again, dressed all sexy with a group of equally attractive women, and having his teammates want her made him completely possessive. He knew in that instant he wasn't going to freeze her out for long.

Notes

This was long overdue and I apologize for the wait. Real life got in the way as the summer break came to an end. And honestly I've hit a bit of a roadblock with the story. I have an idea where I am going now, and this chapter is is building this towards that. I don't really know how many of you are still reading, but it would be great to hear from those of you who are still out there! I promise the rest of this story won't suck like this chapter. (It sort of leaves holes I feel.) Thanks!