Hopeless Wanderer

"I know it's been awhile," Carrie started as she settled on the soft earth. She crossed her legs and played with a piece of fringe on her worn jeans. It was October and the air was becoming cooler. On this particular day her mood reflected the dreary weather. "But whenever I come here I get sad, and it's been a long time coming, but I am actually starting to feel like myself before you two left."

Carrie leaned back, her hands supporting her thin frame, and she took in both headstones. "Since we are on the topic of me being happier than I have been in awhile, I thought I should share with you that it's because of a man. And he's not anything I ever expected, but you see, we both needed each other at the time. And we still do."

She sighed, regrouped her thoughts and begun her speech for her husband and son again. "I miss you two terribly. And I love you both more now than ever before. But I can't let tragedy rule my life anymore. I need you two to know that not a day goes by where I don't think about you. But Sidney has helped me move on from days when I would weep uncontrollably for the two of you. He knows he isn't replacing you, and he loves me nonetheless. And I didn't ask him to love me. But he does and I need to be sure that I can love him back. Because deep down I know I do. Admitting it, though, feels like I am letting the two of you go. And I can't let you two go."

"Sweetheart, I've told you time and again that R.J. wouldn't want you to forgo loving someone else because he is not here. That was what made him such a compassionate person." Carrie jumped at the sound of her mother-in-law's voice. She didn't move from the ground, but watched as the older woman knelt down beside her.

"I..I was going to come see you when I left here," Carrie stuttered.

"I know," R.J.'s mom said, "But I needed to see my boy on his birthday. Just like you."

Carrie bit back a silent sob threatening to escape and leaned close to the older woman as she accepted a comforting hug. Roxane was happy to hug her daughter close and provide added comfort. "You love this new guy and you're afraid to accept it?"

"I'm afraid to tell him."

"Has he said he loves you?"

Carrie shook her head yes and let the tears fall. She should have been relieved to have Roxane supporting her, instead she was feeling even worse about her revelation. "Come on, let's go get some coffee," Roxane coerced Carrie to her feet and the women walked away from the cemetery and towards their cars.

*****
"So, tell me about this guy," Roxane encouraged as Carrie settled into the booth at a nearby coffee shop.

"You really want to know?" Carrie was hesitant. She didn't want to hurt her mother-in-law.

"Of course or I wouldn't have asked sweetheart!" Roxane gave an encouraging smile and nodded as if to tell Carrie to go on.

"Don't make a big deal about this." Carrie hesitated in saying Sid's name, mostly because she didn't want to have people look at her like she was crazy.

"Okay." Again an encouraging smile appeared.

"I have been seeing Sidney Crosby." Carrie watched for a negative reaction or any sort of disbelief appear on Roxane's face.

"The hockey player? Where did you meet him?" She asked after taking a sip of her coffee.

"Well, I was working for him for a little while as his assistant." Carrie noticed how her mother in law was piecing together the little bit of details she had given her.

"So this relationship was born from convenience," she finally stated as she reached to freshen her cup of coffee.

"At first I thought so, but the more I got to know him and spend time with him the more I realize that he is exactly what I needed after everything." It was nice to finally say that to someone.

"And you want to be with him?" Roxane asked, knowing the answer already.

"I do," Carrie said sincerely, "I left him for awhile. I shouldn't have. But he took me back when I went to him."

"What is it about him that makes you happy?" She asked.

Carrie waited before she answered. She needed to be sure she said it just the right way.
"He calms me. And makes me forget how I hurt, but he understands when I have bad days. He waited until I was ready for something more. He's been absolutely perfect."

Roxane smiled wanly at the younger woman. "You know it's okay to love him more than R.J. This love is new and exciting. What you had with my son was special, but you are so young. I want you to enjoy your life."

"I know. It just feels like I am writing them off though." That thought was always in the back of her mind and she never said it out loud until recently.

"But you aren't. What happened was an unfortunate accident. Nobody expected them to die so young. But it happened, and we can't change that. But we can choose to embrace our lives and enjoy every moment because this could all change in a blink of an eye, as cliche as that sounds."

"How are you so adjusted?" Carrie asked softly, but curious to know The answer. Roxane lost her only son and grandson.

"Because I choose to live," Roxane said with a simple shrug of her shoulder.

*****
Game four of the season and the Pens were looking for a rebound from a terrible loss against the Stars. Sidney believed that if any team in the league could stop the undefeated Islanders, it would be them. Then the team could feel a bit more at ease for the loss two days before and the subsequent injury to Pascal.

Thankfully, his teammate only got a stinger, but watching him on the ice was scary and reminded Sidney of getting a puck to his face in 2013. He played awful after that and he didn't have Carrie around after to provide him some distractions from it all. He barely slept the night after that game even after getting an encouraging phone call from Carrie.

"I bet he will be fine," Carrie whispered into the phone. She was half asleep on her sister's couch.

"I wish you were here. I could use some cuddles," Sid said as he climbed into his large, empty bed. He cracked a smile as he listened to what he said in his head again.

"I'll be back Saturday and I promise I will take the ticket you left for me. Let Mike know I'll be there with him."

"Oh he is looking forward to it."

"He creeps me out some."

"He thinks you're hot. Which I can't disagree with."

"The only difference is that I let you see me naked."

"Ha! So I am creepy?"

"Just trying to distract you. Is it working?"

"A little," Sid paused and he could hear her yawn on the other end. "Go to sleep, I will see you in two days."

"Call me tomorrow?"

"You got it. I love you," Sid didn't expect a response. He never did, but he wanted her to know that it didn't change how he felt.

"I know. Goodnight, stud," Carrie hesitated.

Now Sidney was itching to show Carrie how his wrist didn't hurt and that the new coaching staff has been doing their part. That he was enjoying the game again.

"What are ya thinkin' about Cappy?" Brandon Sutter asked as the team dressed for morning skate.

"Oh, nothing of importance. Carrie is coming to the game tonight," Sid gushed slightly. Not many of the guys knew that Sidney even had a girlfriend. It wasn't something he went around advertising.

"So things are better then?" Brandon asked. He had trusted Brandon enough to give him the details of their relationship hiccup and how they managed to patch it back up.

"Yeah, I think so. She's been out of town for a couple days. She should be on her way back now."

"Does this mean we can't go together to the Halloween party?" Brandon asked.

"Nah, she isn't coming to that. You're still my handsome date."

"Fuck yeah I am!"

Sid shook his head and groaned at the absurdity of the situation. He finished dressing then checked his phone to see a message from Carrie saying that she was leaving and was excited to see him. He smiled, shot back a quick reply and grabbed his helmet. He was looking forward to having a good day.

*****
"Incredible, wasn't it?" Mike asked as he and Carrie watched the thousands of fans vacate the arena.

"They look great. It was awesome to see them shatter the Islanders winning streak," Carrie agreed. She tolerated Mike as per Sidney's request, but as the game ended she wanted to get away from him.

"Want to come down and wait for Sid? He will love to see you," Mike said. Carrie was already shaking her head no.

"Let him know I went on home. Tell him to call me, okay?" Carrie slung her bag across her shoulders and turned away from him.

"Ah, alright!" He responded as she walked away.

She needed to get home and ready. She knew she had a pretty important conversation ahead of her. She wanted to get her words together so that she didn't blubber in front of Sidney when he got to her place. Which she knew he would show up to her place.

She got back to her place in record time given that it was a Saturday night game and traffic was a mess. She quickly hid her dirty laundry, like that was going to make or break what happened next, and made her bed. Which, if all went well, she and Sid would be messing it up for reasons other than sleep.

The time between Carrie returning home and when Sid would show up she had time to consider how to tell her boyfriend she loved him. Which she knew that she did and she was willing to accept it. It wasn't much, but it would change the entire dynamic of their relationship. And she was excited to see where this little revelation goes.

Nearly two hours later, close to midnight, Carrie was still waiting to see or hear from Sidney. She suspected that the media would be all over the captain considering the huge victory. She checked her phone one last time, glanced in a nearby mirror at her reflection, and sighed. She decided to start shutting off lights and roam back to her bedroom.

As she began her nightly bedtime routine, washing her face and brushing her teeth, she heard the soft knock on her door. She was relieved that he finally showed, even if she was expecting him sooner than midnight. She kept her toothbrush perched in her mouth as she wandered back out towards the front door and flipped on the light before she unlocked the door.

When Carrie finally had the door open, she peered at Sid and cracked a toothpaste filled smile. She truly loved him and she knew he loved her. He didn't hesitate in telling her.

"Sorry, media took longer and I had to drive Mike home," Sid explained without waiting for a greeting.

Carrie shrugged her shoulders as if to show she didn't mind, even if she had a little, and pushed the door open further to allow him to pass through. His scent was intoxicating, so fresh and clean, yet still slightly sweaty. She noted he had changed out of his required suit and had a backpack slung over his shoulder. And she found comfort in knowing he just assumed to be staying the night.

She pointed at her brush and walked quickly back towards the bathroom, leaving Sid to lock up behind him. She was rinsing when he finally showed up at the bathroom door and she collapsed into his welcoming embrace.

"I missed you," she whispered against his neck.

"Yeah?"

"Uh huh."

"Good. I missed you too."

"Can we talk? I need to tell you something kind of important." Carrie knew that response could be taken either way. She could be gearing up to tell him something bad or good.

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Where?"

"Just... Come with me," she decided her bedroom would allow for them to talk and fall right to sleep. Or a second option if it led to that.

"Okay, what's up?" Sid asked as he sat on the edge of the bed. Carrie moved about the room, feeling nervous and anxious to get her speech over with. It was now or never.

"I didn't imagine I would find someone to fill this void left behind when my family died. I was resigned to the fact that I will always be sad and depressed and that I will just live out my days that way. But then I met you and you changed that for me. I'm forever indebted to you for that."

"Babe..." Sid cracked his crooked smile that Carrie knew he flashed when he was feeling humbled. She loved that smile. She loved everything about him.

"No, no. I'm not finished. But this isn't coming out as eloquently as I had hoped earlier. Anyway.." She let out an embarrassed giggle and looked at him. He was still flashing her his little smile and she knew that moment was it. "I'm in love with you, Sidney. And I've denied it I think for awhile now. Mainly because I was concerned about feeling guilty for loving you. Because I'm pretty certain that I love you even more than I loved R.J. And that scared me."

"Does it now?"

"No. Does it scare you knowing this?"

He shook his head no slowly and larger smile spreading across his face. "Because I'm completely in love with you too."

"This is how this moment should have happened. But I wasn't ready to admit it earlier."

"Everything happens for a reason. You needed time."

"You are so freaking perfect. How did this happen?"

"I was always taught how I should respect women. Especially the one who captures my heart. And you did just that. I'm pretty certain it was the day you stumbled into the meeting room and made an ass out of yourself."

Carrie threw her head back and laughed a raucous laugh, one that Sidney rarely ever heard, but knew he would cherish every time she let it loose. "I did, didn't I?"

"A little bit, but I found it endearing. You were honest and wasn't fazed by my celebrity status."

"Ppshh, you are barely famous."

"Yeah, you're right. Not Brad Pitt famous at least."

"Thank God," Carrie rolled her eyes and smirked at him on his perch at the bed. He reached out and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her onto his lap.

"You know I'll protect you from anything," he said as he rested his chin on her shoulder. She leaned back against him and sighed as she felt his grip tighten around her waist.

"That's one of the many things I love about you."

"And never for a second do I want you to think that I want to replace them."

"You've been wonderful with keeping them alive in me so far. But I want us to have memories that we want to keep alive of ourselves. You know?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not just in this to goof off. I've been there, I married someone. We had a baby. I'm not looking to go back to how I was before I settled on marriage. I am serious and I hope you are committed enough to take this as serious as me."

"I'm committed and ready to enjoy my future with you."

"Good," she replied and leaned in for a kiss.

"Good," Sid whispered just as he allowed Carrie to kiss him. With his grip around her he made them fall back against the mattress and sighed. This wouldn't be the last time they cling to each other. And he was happy with that.

Notes

This is update one of two!