Hopeless Wanderer

"Have you heard from Sidney lately?" Kathleen asked as she watched Carrie fuss over her new baby niece.

"No." Carrie was grinning and leaning over the baby, kissing her little sock covered feet. "You just smell so good!"

"I thought you guys were working things out?" Kath asked, wishing Carrie would focus but couldn't help but feel warm at how her little sister was acting towards her daughter.

"I thought so too. But his season is just starting and he is busy." Carrie looked up at Kath briefly, shrugged her shoulders and went back to fussing over the baby.

"I read that his grandmother died and he missed several days." Kath stood from the couch and started towards the kitchen for a couple bottles of water.

"Where did you read that?" Carrie asked loud enough that Kath could hear her from the other room.

"In the paper. He was supposed to start a game and he ended missing because he went home." She had returned as quickly as she had left and was placing a bottle down on the coffee table near Carrie's feet, which she had propped up in order to cradle the baby in her lap.

"Well, that tells you how long it has been since I have spoken with him. I had no idea." Carrie was making a goofy face as the newborn lay across her lap. "Why Madison?"

"We just liked it. No one in our family has it." Kath sat close to the girls on the love seat so she could join her sister in making silly faces at the baby.

"I just didn't know if there was a story behind her name."

"Nothing worth retelling. Back to Sidney."

"Why? Let's just leave it at the way things are. He's a busy man."

"Promise me you aren't avoiding him again?"

"I promise I'm not. Apparently taking things slow is hooking up once, taking me out to dinner then not call for weeks."

"First game is Thursday. Maybe he will reach out to you before then."

"I don't care." Kathleen could see a difference in Carrie that was difficult to go unnoticed. She seemed calmer. More like herself and she only hoped that because she no longer spent every day with Sidney that she wouldn't lose that easiness about her. "See, Maddie, your Aunt Carrie doesn't care about boys. She is just content sitting here making you giggle."

"She is a week old. She doesn't have the ability to giggle. She is probably gassy."

"And mommy is a butt who likes ruin all the fun for Aunt Carrie," Carrie said in a sing-song voice as she lifted the baby to a cradle position.

Carrie stayed for dinner and for the chance to hang out with her nephews before she left towards her place in the city. As she drove back she reflected on her conversation with her sister and how Kathleen had been pressing the Sidney nonissue. Carrie had made it clear that she wasn't ready for something serious when she left Sidney in August. She was happy to be able to be in contact with him again, as she had hoped, but she wasn't upset that she hadn't heard from him. In fact, she was content in how they were moving. If nothing happened again, she would expect an explanation. But she wouldn't hold a grudge. She wanted Sidney happy.

She did wonder why Sidney said he loved her if he was able to stay away from her for so long. But she was trying to have a new lease on life, and she wasn't going to dwell on it. It wasn't necessary. What was necessary was a piece of pie. She had just turned onto her street, but was considering turning around and heading towards Squirrel Hill to Gullifity's. As she started to drive by her building, she recognized a charcoal gray SUV parked out front.

"You've got to be kidding me!" She exclaimed. She parked her own car in front of Sidney's and hopped out to find Sidney sitting on the top step of her porch.

"Did Jen corner you or something?" She asked by way of greeting. It startled Sidney and he stood quickly when he heard Carrie speak.

"What?"

"Did Jen go out of her way to say something to you about me?"

"Well.." Sidney started.

"Unbelievable! I am never speaking to my family again," she huffed past him to her door to let herself in. She wasn't sure if she was going to invite Sid inside.

"Carrie, you've lost me."

"Nothing, you can go. I am fine." She thought she was okay with the no contact, until she saw him. Then the anger and hurt started to surface startling her.

"Wait, I came to see you. I... I miss you."

"Oh really? That's nice," she said sarcastically.

"Babe..."

"NO! No you don't get to call me babe. I am not your babe."

"Carrie, please let me explain."

"Sidney, I was actually not mad about not hearing from you in three weeks. I was thinking 'he did say take things slow.' And I realized that taking things slow at the start of training camp meant even slower. That's fine. I get it. I experienced hockey season from an assistant's perspective before. But don't come traipsing out here telling me you miss me when you probably haven't even thought about me all because Jen put a bug in your ear when she asked how things are going between us! I deserve better than that!" Carrie ended her rant satisfied with what she said. She stood in the door frame of her home, the door behind her open and a soft light from the hallway was shining out and reflecting on Sidney's features. He looked hurt by her words, but she didn't regret saying them. He needed to hear it.

Sidney knew everything she said to him was true. He chickened out and didn't call or text her. He knew seeing her in front of him, being all angry and bothered by his presence, made his heart race. She was filled with a fire he had never seen and it turned him on beyond anything he ever imagined. He knew that with two long strides he could have her pinned against her door, but he wasn't sure how she would respond. Did he really want to take the chance and be rejected even more? He knew his feelings haven't changed for her. Even when they weren't talking she evaded his thoughts.

Instead he stuck his hands in his jeans pockets, shrugged his shoulders and said the first thing that came to him. "I got a new assistant."

"Oh, good. I am sure the two of you will foster a relationship out of all your time spent and be very happy together one day."

"Your sass is really fucking hot, Care," Sid growled back.

"Save it for your new assistant."

"I'd rather not. He's not really my type." That caught her off guard. She was beginning to think he had a type, then remembered he had only had male assistants before her too.

"You have a guy living with you?"

"An old friend. He lost his job back home and didn't have any prospects. I told him he could give me a hand. So he is here for the season on a work visa."

"I'm sure you two will be very happy."

Sid nodded and turned his head to watch a passing car before he looked back at Carrie. "My grandmother died."

Carrie bit her lip, the way she was feeling and how she was firing shots at him she knew she wouldn't be able to be sarcastic towards that. "I heard, I'm sorry."

"I wanted to call you then, when I found out. I really needed you then. But then I thought about the situation and I wasn't sure how you would have reacted. You know."

"I know," Carrie said softly. She appreciated his concern for her even when he was experiencing his own distress.

"Carrie, believe me when I say I'm so sorry for not calling you. Not a day went by where I wasn't thinking about you though."

Carrie nodded her head in understanding, refraining from saying anything again and paused, "Do you want to go get some pie?"

"What?" Sid asked, confused.

"Pie. I was about to just go to Gullifty's when I saw you. I really want some pie."

"Uh, sure. I'll go with you. I probably won't eat anything."

"Blah, stupid hockey player diet. Come on."

"Aren't there restaurants closer than Squirrel Hill that serve pie?"

"Not as good as Gullifty's. I'm driving." She closed and locked her door and led Sidney down to her car and on their way across town for some delicious desserts.

*****
"Where were you?" Mike asked when Sidney came home later that night. Sid had a smile on his face that he couldn't get rid of and had Carrie to thank for that. "Were you with that girl? Did you two hook up?"

"I went to see Carrie, yes. And no we didn't hook up. We talked and then we went to get dessert and then we watched a movie at her place." Sidney placed his keys on the hook just inside the garage door and floated over to the fridge.

"You didn't sleep with her?" Mike followed him into the kitchen and sat at the island. Sid watched his friend between the low-slung baseball cap and the bottle of Gatorade he was drinking.

"No! I'm trying to have a relationship with her, not fuck her and forget her," he said between gulps of his drink.

"Alright! Alright! My bad. But if you had been trying so hard, why haven't I met or heard of her until today."

"When have you known me to ever talk about women?"

"Almost never, to the point where celibacy was a running joke."

"Good. Glad we cleared that up."

"When are you seeing her again?"

"Ah, tomorrow. We have plans for the afternoon and early evening since it is the day before the opening game."

"And she just let you back in just like that?"

"Well, she kinda did the same to me so we are even now."

"That's messed. You two are playing games with each other like that. Someone is liable to get burned."

Sid just shook his head in disgust and thought to himself, 'Not this time' and left Mike sitting in the kitchen to go to his room.

*****
Carrie called her sister as soon as Sidney left. "What the hell?"

"What?" Kath asked. Carrie could hear that she was feeding the baby and the quiet sounds of the television in the background. The boys were most likely in bed.

"I saw Sid tonight. It is pretty coincidental don't you think?" Carrie asked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Oh see, I knew it. I had a feeling."

"Stop, please. You and Jen need to stop meddling. Let this happen naturally!" Carrie pleaded.

"We aren't meddling. I don't know what you are talking about."

"Yes, you do. Sid and I compared conversations we have had with the two of you. And you have a new baby at home. Wouldn't it be wise to focus on her needs and not mine?"

"Carrie," Kath started.

"No, Kath. I love you, but I am so pissed at you right now." She said her peace and listened for a response, but it was several long pauses before Kathleen spoke.

"Did you at least talk and hang out?" She asked.

"Well, yeah. But that is besides the point."

"The point is you two connected. So Jen did a little nudging on her end. And I just prodded you for information whether you still love him or not."

"Argh! I never said I loved him!"

"You never denied it. And now things are rolling again on this whole relationship, so you can tell him."

"That's what you think." Carrie had no intention of saying those words any time soon.

"Listen, you two are perfect for each other. Jen and I can see it." Carrie let those words sink in. They were words she had heard before from her sister. Years before she ever met Sidney.

"You said the same thing about me and R.J. too." Carrie hung up the phone before Kathleen could respond and chose to ignore the call back from her sister. The more she thought about what her sister last said made her think more about what she had lost. And it made her feel as though she was drowning in a pool of her own tears. The only person she knew who could calm her and make her see that this life was worth living was the one person she couldn't deny she loved, but was too cowardly to say it out loud. She hurriedly pulled up Sidney's contact information and called him, if nothing else just to see him again.

"Hey you," he said on the second ring.

"I really need you right now. Can I come over?"

"Yeah, yeah of course you can." He didn't hesitate and that started to help Carrie calm.

"Thanks. I'll be over soon."

*****

"Okay," Sid hung up the phone and turned to Mike. "She is coming over."

"Nice! Get it!" Mike tried to fist bump Sid, but Sid didn't return the gesture.

"No, no. It's complicated. I don't need to give you her life story, just know she had a husband and kid before and they were killed in a car crash. There is something about me that calms her when she gets worked up about things. Oh, and she is older."

"No shit? How old?" Mike asked making Sid realize that he didn't seem to really care about what he just told him.

"She is thirty."

"Oh hell, I thought you were going to say like 45!"

"Anyway, when she gets here I'm not introducing you. Not until I know she is okay. Which she won't be at first. Just don't follow me into the kitchen? She will come to the back door."

"That sounds dirty."

"Shut up." Sid groaned and left Mike in the entertainment room with the baseball game playing.

*****
Carrie drove through the familiar gate and parked next to a beat up Toyota Corolla. She immediately regretted showing up when she knew that Sidney's assistant was inside. But if Sidney didn't want her there then he would have offered to come back to her place. She didn't know, and she didn't care. All she knew was that she was feeling lonely and sad, and Sidney was the only person in months that could make her forget her sadness and feel somewhat human again.

Carrie grabbed her bag, filled with a change of clothes, and rushed towards the back of the house where the kitchen was lit up and Sidney was waiting for her. She quickly opened the door and was in Sidney's arms before the first tears escaped.

"Shh, I've got you," he cooed in her ear. Her sobs were louder than expected.

"She won't just let things go," Carrie said between her cries.

"Let's go upstairs. We can have some privacy. Mike is in the other room still." Sidney picked up Carrie's tote bag, slung it on his shoulder and then pulled her close to his side as he led her to the steps. In the minutes that it took for her to enter the house and get to Sidney's room, Carrie felt so much better. She couldn't describe it, but she knew Sidney was the reason she felt that way.

She entered his room first, a room she had gotten familiar with over the summer months. She turned around to face him as she stood at the foot of his bed and watched as he locked the doors to his room and turned around looking sheepish for having gotten caught doing it. "He likes to just bust in without knocking. I don't think you'd...oomph!"

Sidney was stopped mid sentence with Carrie colliding into his sturdy frame, knocking him slightly off balance. Her lips were on his upon contact which Sidney couldn't complain about. He didn't hesitate to wrap her in his arms, lift her up off the ground and carry her over to the bed. All the while never breaking the kiss. When his shins hit the bed's edge, he stopped briefly and through heaving breaths asked, "You don't want to talk?"

Carrie shook her head no, running her fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck. "I want you to make love to me," she whispered just before they went crashing down onto his bed.

Notes

This one is winding down folks. Only about two chapters left. I hope you all are enjoying it!